What Do You Do When You Can't Let It Go?

I started my period today.

I know full well that my body just won't do it on its own, but I still can't let go of the hope that maybe, just maybe I could get pregnant the old fashion way.

I can't help bu think maybe we'd get lucky this one time.

To make matters worse, my stupid brain heart latched on to the coincidence that I had the big O on Valentine's Day and believed---BELIEVED--that it had to be some sign that this was going to be the month. As much as I knew better, I wished that I would be sitting here today with a smile on my face and a positive pee stick in my fist.

Having hope quietly swell to a crest only to have it crash at my feet still makes me sad. And yes, seeing the bright red stain of failure still stings, three boys or not.

~~~

Right now, my refrigerator is fairly empty. I haven't had a chance to go to the grocery store, probably won't be able to until this weekend. Normally it doesn't make much of a difference outside of causing me to be a bit more creative when it comes to cooking. Today, however, an empty refrigerator means that there is nothing covering up the box.

The box that is usually hidden at the back of my produce drawer.

The box that holds a two-thirds full gonal-f pen I last used during the cycle that brought me Jack.

The box that I've been unable to get rid of all after of this time.

I've always known the medication is there, but it honestly never comes to mind unless I see it while stocking or cleaning out the fridge. I look at it wistfully while I push it to the back of the drawer.

Once, I even had it in my hand to go dispose of it. I made it only a few steps before I turned to put it back. I couldn't bring myself to throw it away then any more than I can bring myself to throw it away now.

I can't let that box or that pen, go because I can't let the dream go.

As time passes, I imagine that my hand will be forced soon enough. I mean, we've not used birth control since 2004, and I'll be 41 in a few months. It took seven IVF's to have two successful pregnancies. So in all reality, I know there isn't much chance. We'd need medical intervention to get pregnant, but I can't in good conscious spend that kind of money on another pregnancy attempt when I have the boys to consider.

Sigh.

So what do you do when you can't let the dream go?

I don't know.

Someone Stole My Baby

and replaced him with this huge boy.

There's only thirty-three days until he's two years old. Where has the time gone?

36 1/8 inches tall

You know, sometimes I look at him and I am in awe. It boggles my mind how he just develops as he's expected. There is no struggle. He just does it. It is such an amazing gift to watch.

I've tried to articulate the feeling I get when I look at him, but I can never get the words right. Is.aac just shakes his head in agreement. He knows. He feels it, too.

The sight of him fills me, an overwhelming sensation that is as unique for him as the love I have for his brothers. I love them all the same, yet differently--each carries a different piece of my heart.

But this one? This one has also brought healing to my battered heart.

I am so, so lucky to have been blessed with my three boys.

Weekend Leftovers

It has been a nice lazy weekend with lots of this:

and this:

I just noticed that the big boys are dressed alike. How weird!
I never dress them the same.

I swear if feels like this is what it's like much of my time at home. Someone (usually more than one) is always on me. On those rare occasions when I have my lap to myself, the cats are vying for position. It's crazy.

~~~

Jack swallowed something this evening. It scared the crap out of me and nearly sent Is.aac over the edge. He was watching Jack when it happened, so he felt super guilty over it happening in the first place. (Which? These things happen with kids, especially when you have older brothers around.) He wanted to take him to the emergency room immediately. It was all I could do to talk him down.

Is.aac has always been hypervigilant about the boys and their safety. I know that feeling has everything to do with all trauma with Sh.awn back during the dark days. He is just lately talking about that time; it's been bottled up so long and he was so, so hurt. It makes my heart break for him.

~~~

Jason had electrical muscle stimulation at therapy on Friday. We'd been working our way up to it over the last few weeks. It started with "homework" in which I put the electro stickers on his legs for twenty minutes. Then we talked about what was going to happen when they hooked the stickers to the device and what it might feel like when the pulse went through to his leg. He was not impressed at the thought of doing it AT ALL.

The thing that finally changed his mind was having him earn a trip to Target if he went through with it. (Target was his choice out of the park or the zoo. He knew that the trip would not mean we bought anything unless he used his own money. I'm not sure what that says about our family. lol)

We had a great time at Target on Saturday. He used his tooth fairy money to buy two Hotwheels. ;-)

~~~

I submitted the picture of the boys blowing on the dandelion to Multiples and More as a picture of the month. You don't get anything if you win, but I love that picture so I thought I'd go for it. If you have a minute and want to vote, here's the link:

Multiples and More: February Photo of the Month

Thanks.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Parenting Pains

I love my boys fiercely, and I am all too aware of how lucky we are to have them here with us.

But.

These boys Sh.awn is a challenge to parent.

Eighty percent of the time, my boy is the sweetest, most lovable child around. He loves to snuggle, laughs easily, and talk to everyone he sees. I'd love to clone him during those moments and have a room full of kids exactly like him.

Then there is the other twenty percent of the time--the moments when he screams and whines and spits and does exactly the opposite of what you say simply because you said it and when the naughty chair or time outs or removing him from a situation or distraction or (in a moment of weakness) the small pop on the mouth after he spit on me (which in no way actually hurt him and resulted in him telling me to smack him again) all fail and I am left a giant bundle of frayed nerves wanting to pull my hair out in frustration.

When things finally settle, and every time his outbursts happen I know they will eventually, I sit, exhausted, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. I can't decide if what is going on is poor parenting on my part (because it feels these episodes are reserved for me more often than they are for his father although admittedly I am with Sh.awn much more), a personality quirk of his, general frustration for both of us, or even a residual from his brain injury.

I mean, I am conscious about trying to be very consistent with consequences, so I don't think my lack consistency is at play. I think I'm giving him plenty of attention at times when all is going well, and I try my very best to not give him "wanted" attention during disciplining. I am not having the same issues with Ja.son or Jack. While they are by no means perfect children and have their own behavior problems, correcting their behavior doesn't come with the same kind of stress that correcting Sh.awn's behavior does.

Sigh.

I know I need to figure something out because this twenty percent is rapidly wearing my down, and I'm starting to worry about when the next fit will show. There is a huge part of me who feels incredibly guilty that I am struggling with this, especially with him in particular. He has been through so much, the least I can do as his parent is to help him thrive and become the best person he can be. I've been failing at that. The added pressure of school fast approaching has me worried that if I don't get a handle on things soon, it will impact him there as well.

So, I am asking you, oh wise Internet. Do you have any suggestions?

Mostly Wordless Wednesday

They were planning something, I just know it. :)

Actually, they had a dandelion and were trying to decide who got to blow the seeds everywhere. In the end, they blew it together. How sweet is that?

Perfect Moment Monday

I just downloaded our zoo pictures from the camera this afternoon. I totally love this shot of the big boys...

Sh.awn was sitting at this picnic table all by himself. Ja.son saw him there alone and had to go over to sit there, too. They started out talking to each other across the table, but after a few minutes, they were sitting next to each other on the same side.

And I melted on the spot.

I always have had a nagging worry that my boys would be missing out on the twin bond. They were born so early and separated so much when they were young. Plus their ability levels (both cognitive and physical because Sh.awn has always been about 6-9 months behind his brother developmentally) have also been so different all along. I feared the damage that might have done to the chance of them fostering that special closeness. To be honest, the fear has really stung because it's hard not to view it as yet another way that they were cheated because of thier circumstance of prematurity.

Scenes like this, however, show that they really are beginning to enjoy being around each other now. It is so heartwarming to see their relationship develop into something more than just brothers. And while I know that they may still not be as close as some twins may be, there is something more there between them than what I'd expect from many siblings.

It makes me so, so happy to see.

Friday Night Leftovers

Short work weeks = the same amount of crazy crammed into fewer days. Oh. my. lord. Let's see: one of my girls was involved in a sexual harassment incident, I had a parent call to scream at me about her 8th grade baby missing the bus (because he didn't do his homework and had to stay to do it), and I found out that my principal had no idea that I was the coordinator of a major academic program we have at school. (Yeah, that last one pissed me off, especially considering I've been doing the job for 9 years now AND she comes to me regularly to ask about funding for it. So, why would she do that if I wasn't actually in charge of the program? Grr.) By the time Thursday rolled around, I was pretty much spent but still had to deal with the fun of Valentine's Day on a junior high campus. Drama city. Plus, the place looked like the 99 cent store exploded on campus. Sigh.

The high note is that I have a four day weekend! Whoot.

~~~

Our Valentine's Day was pretty low key. The boys got to make cards for daddy and grandma. They also talked me into ordering chocolate covered strawberries for him. lol. They had their favorite dinners and ate strawberry cupcakes. We topped the evening off with a movie.

Hope you all had a nice Valentine's Day, too.

~~~

Tomorrow is the anniversary of when Is.aac proposed.* Eleven years ago, he took me around to all of our favorite places and told me memories about each spot. At our last destination, some random man was walking by, so Is.aac asked if he'd take a picture of us. The man got ready to snap the shot, but Is.aac got down on his knee and asked if I'd marry him. It was perfect.

(The poor man looked like he wanted the Earth to swallow him whole, but he took the picture before he hurried on his way. The look on his face still cracks me up.)

*His plan was to propose on V-Day, but the ring wasn't ready on time. It bothers him some that his plans didn't work out just how he'd pictured them. I think it's better that the 16th was the day. :)

~~~

It just so happens that we get to go out for dinner tomorrow. A girl could get used to this whole date thing!

~~~

Is.aac took the day off and we took the boys to the zoo. It was so much fun! Jack managed to walk around much of the day, which is so different from what I am used to but pretty amazing. The big boys were in a great mood, too. Loved it.

When we got home, I was exhausted. The boys, however, were full of energy until they crashed at bed time. Here's hoping they sleep in a bit tomorrow.

~~~

I'm watching The Princess Bride right now. It's one of my favorites.

Speaking of The Princess Bride, did you hear about the man on an airline who was asked to take off his t-shirt that had a quote from the movie? Had I saw the shirt, I wouldn't have thought anything about it (except that I'd want the shirt, too). It's such a sad state of affairs when people have reason to be afraid of everything.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.