Ten

Yesterday was the 10 year mark for blogging. It seems a bit surreal to see that number. I started this space the day I started stims for the cycle that brought me my boys...

So much has happened since then. I don't think the me of ten years ago could even fathom how different life would be right now. I can't even fathom it, and I'm living it. Sigh.

Anyway, while I don't blog here as much as I used to, I do still care deeply about this place and all of you who have been here for the journey. Thank you. For everything.

Stac

Keep On Keeping On

It's been 6 weeks. An entire month has passed without her in it. Sigh.

~~~

I'm on spring break right now. Instead of relaxing and regrouping for the last 43 days of school (yes, I am counting down), I've been spending my time at my mom's house packing up her belongs and starting to prepare her house for sale.

It's a heartbreaking thought, really. Aside from the memories and people who love and miss her terribly, her life has been reduced to the contents of a 1500 square foot house. The task has been both infinitely harder than I expected and simultaneously easier. It's...

I don't know.

I do know that here I am going through the things she collected over the years while trying to figure out what they meant to her or why she felt like each particular thing was worthy of keeping. I know so many stories behind the things...but there are so many I do not know. How could I have spoken to her every single day, spent countless hours at her house, and yet know nothing about so much?

There are things I've found that have made me laugh. Her insane amount of undies in her drawer, enough where she could have gone months without washing had she wanted. 

Yet, she had gotten rid of so many of the clothes in her closet that she had 12 shirts and a few pairs of jeans she cycled through regularly. Not much else was in her closet clothes wise. I wonder if that was restraint on her part. I know she worried about money. Did she not buy clothing for herself because of that? It makes me sick inside to think that could be the reason.

It has made me think about what my own children will find when they go through my belongings once I've gone. Will they wonder why I have so many damn jackets and purses when I always use the same ones over and over? Will they look at the set of pregnancy tests I've kept and be grossed out rather than sentimental like I am? Probably. Sigh. 

~~~

My intention was to do the probate of mom's estate myself, saving a substantial amount of money in the process. I purchased a book that told me how to probate an estate in 132 easy steps. At least it seemed that way. I started the process. I completed several forms, but I was just so stressed about it all that I decided my sanity is worth more than saving money. I went to a lawyer - where I found my paperwork was done correctly, thank you very much - and turned it all over to him. The hearing is in May; I'll be moving forward with selling the house once I've been named executor. (I continue to fly solo on decisions, despite the fact that both my brothers live within a mile of her house. I sure hope that changes, but I don't know that it will.)

~~~

Both of my parents requested to be cremated. Their current happily ever after location is my kitchen table. It's somewhat surreal. I'm not all together comfortable with that location, but I am not sure where to put them. They didn't exactly want their ashes spread anywhere, and I'd have to admit the conversations about cremation never extended to what would happen after. So, there they sit.

I did decide that I am going to have a cremains necklace made for myself. (Funny that the thought of wearing their ashes wigs me out so much less than finding a place in my house for their ashes.) I've also decided to make memorial necklaces for the grandchildren as a gift. Of course, to do this will mean I will have to open the urns to extract the ashes, but I am trying to not think about that part.

~~~

We are all still processing the loss. My knee jerk reaction to call my mom whenever something happens or to just talk has lessened some. It is a little scary to realize that something has happened and that desire to talk to her about it didn't come like before. I miss her terribly, but the tears have stopped (for all of us) for the most part. The sadness isn't quite as crushing as it was a few weeks ago. Progress, I suppose.

Ja.son has selected some mementos from mom's house and has put up several pictures next to his bed, which seems to bring him comfort. He, too, is now able to talk about memories and fun times without the immediate welling of tears, although he still does well up from time to time. 

Ja.ck's concept of what is going on has been harder to gauge. He is still so young (just turned 6) and he wasn't as close to grandma as his brothers were. He knows and says that he misses her, but we haven't got a lot more out of him than that. 

Sh.awn is the one I am most worried about, in particular because he does have an expressive language delay and it is hard for him to articulate the thoughts he has. He has also never cried, even though, he, too, talked to my mom almost daily, and I think feels this loss on a much deeper level than his brothers because of that. When she first passed, any time we talked about it or mentioned her name, he would suddenly state he wasn't feeling well and needed to go to the doctor. Thankfully, that has passed. Now, he will randomly ask where she is, even though he knows the answer, and tell me that he misses her. He even pretended to call her on the phone the other night to talk. That just about broke my heart, I have to say.

Overall, though, we are as good as you could expect in this kind of situation. We're doing lots of talking, lots of snuggling, and we keep on keeping on.

Numb

My mom passed on February 24th...man, that is still hard to write. She passed peacefully while listening to a video of my Shawn singing "You've Got a Friend In Me." I hope that brought her some comfort...

While I know with every fiber of my being that she is no longer here-how could I not with this permanent ache that I have-I think I'm living just this side of denial for the time being. Maybe that is okay? Or maybe it's not? I don't know, but for now, I am able to keep getting up and doing what needs to be done. Because really? There isn't anything else to do. 

Children still need to be cared for. 

Bills still need to be paid. 

Things I would rather not have to do have to happen.

Like it or not, life continues. There's no pause. No stopping. It just continues, even during those times you wish desperately that it wouldn't.

Hospital 2

They called me this morning with news that she has had a heart attack. They took her down for an angiogram where they found a tight blockage of her main artery. They placed a stent. The procedure went very well.

We are now hopeful that this will allow her to oxygenate better and focus on improving. She was starting to show some signs of responding to the treatment for pneumonia before the angiogram. Now we can hope for even more of a positive response. She is still very sick, though. 

And I am still really worried.

Hospital

If you could keep my sweet mom in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. She was hospitalized on Wednesday with bilateral pneumonia. She was doing okay. Oxygen levels were lower than they'd want, but she was hanging in there. This evening, I got the call that they needed to intubate. She has been through so much...she refused. Was adamant. I went to the hospital to convince her to keep fighting. Finally, she agreed to be intubated.

My gut said that after everything she's been through, this isn't going to be the thing that takes her. I told her that. Now I'm questioning myself. Is my "gut" nothing more than some stupid Pollyanna reflex, and I'm full of shit? Denial? I don't know. 

I do know I'm shaken. She is very sick. This could be very bad.

Now we wait and pray her body and the meds are able to do what they need to do so she can heal. 

This and That

The plague is upon our house, and everyone is sick except me. I have, however, been coughed, vomited, and snotted on, so I imagine is is just a matter of time. The joy.

~~~

My mom has completed her 7th of 12 chemo sessions. She is hanging in there, but it is clear that the full dosage of chemo is too much for her body. We did a trial session with a reduced dosage (80% of the dose) for session #6, and she did so much better physically. On Thursday we are to discuss how to proceed. 

Reducing her meds is a scary prospect. There are no studies on the effectiveness of a lower dose, so to change the plan will bring in questions on the long term outcome. :(

~~~

We will be headed out to a camping weekend this month. The camp is designed for kids with serious medical issues and their families, so I am really hoping the boys love it. I, on the other hand, am pretty equally divided between dread and excitement, depending on the time/day you ask. 

I'm feeling 90% positive about the whole thing. That 10% that is questioning though? Sheesh, it's loud and persistent. Sigh.

~~~

We just celebrated the big boys' NICU Homecoming Days. It's mind blowing to think that it's been 9 years since our time in the NICU. Seems like yesterday in a lot of ways. It also seems like centuries ago.

Ready for 2016 to Hit the Road. Bring on 2017.

Tomorrow my mom goes in for the start of her third round of chemo. She does as well as can be expected, but she is pretty miserable from the side effects of all the meds they give her.

She had a PET scan last week that showed DRAMATIC improvement. Looking at the difference between the scan from a few short weeks ago to now are breathtaking. Her body was riddled with tumors before she started chemo--more than I even imagined. The sight of those images made me ill. Now, thankfully, tumors that had blackened her internal organs on the first image are nearly gone. Her lungs are clear. Her stomach looks to be pretty much clear. Her liver still has a small spot, but overall, the difference is striking. It really is an incredible sight.

Her oncologist was beaming. "Just what I expected to see!" he declared.

I am slowly starting to exhale and a tiny bit of the dread has lifted. I'm still guarded, but there is hope there, too. My mom, however, is still in the thick of bimonthly injections of poison and will be until the first week of April. She had hoped that a good scan would mean a shorter course of treatment. It was hard for her to hide her disappointment when she learned that wasn't to be the case. And, well, my heart hurts for her.

~~~

With my mom being ill, it has fallen on me to coordinate and execute the holiday festivities. It was definitely a challenge for a number of reasons, but mainly, I just haven't been in the mood for celebrating this year. Plus, I was reminded why I do not care for cooking.

Thankfully, I managed to pull it off while not poisoning anyone in the process. I'll call it a win.

~~~

At the start of December, my husband received a frantic call from his brother. Their mom was missing. She had never arrived to a destination that should have been a 5 minute drive from her house. They did end up finding her some four hours later. She was in a city 30+ minutes away in the opposite direction of where she was headed. She had totaled her car in a single car accident.

The scariest part is that she had no idea why she was there or how she got there.

Fast forward to a "family meeting" that included my husband and his brothers, their mom, and their aunt (mil's sister) in which a letter from a doctor was provided that was dated TWO years ago stating that my mil showed symptoms of dementia. It was the first time any of the brothers had heard that news. The aunt said, "oops, sorry" about not telling them, and that was that.

So...yeah.

The boys are now cycling through taking her dinners and scrambling to get info that has been slow to come/non existent. The aunt has not exactly been forthcoming with information. (She took mil to the doctor and mil got two new scripts since they all had their meeting, but the aunt didn't tell the boys about it. I actually found out through another source which led to my husband asking a direct question about. SIGH) The mil is showing some concerning behaviors, which isn't looking great. She's not even 70. :(

This is yet another situation in which I can only do so much. I'm tired of these situations.

~~~

We have finally squared away oldest child's IEP. It only took two months and 4 meetings totaling over 9+ hours of discussions to get there, but hey. One has been signed that I can live with. Oh, and as a bonus, they finally delivered on an accommodation (adaptive keyboard) that was written into the IEP in May...of 2015!!!!...just before break. How awesome is that?! (eye roll)

I am frustrated with the whole lot of the people at their school. I know they would rather I disappeared. I'll say it again. If a school/district can be this inept when they KNOW I am an educator and that I KNOW what they should be doing, I shudder to think what other parents without an educational background goes through.

~~~

But you know what? I have these guys...



They're pretty awesome, too. :)

~~~

So, needless to say, I am over this year. Let's bring on 2017, and with it bring on a year of health and happiness for all of us.

xoxo,
Stacie