This is the third time I've tried to start a post over the last few days. I sit here and stare at the keyboard waiting for the words to come. I've even managed to write a few words, but the words just seem...off somehow and never quite capture what I want to say.
But the problem is that I don't really know what I want to say. I just know that when I see my previous attempts, they weren't it. I'm not really sure why.
I don't think I am feeling especially down either. I'm just blah. Not good, not bad.
This week brought with it ovulation and now the two week wait. I hate this time. Sometimes, and I am slightly embarrassed to admit this, I just wonder why I should even bother to have sex. Well, that is not true. I can actually enjoy things until I get to right around time when I should be ovulating and once again about a week before my period. To have sex during ovulation just sends the rest of the month in the funky state of what if that ends with a no. How contrary is it to NOT want to have sex when I know I'm ovulating? Sigh. When we don't have sex during ovulation, there is no wondering. I know the answer and I move on. When we do, well, you know how it gets.
But we do, and then I wonder and drive myself crazy with that hope that always manages to sneak in and hurt me. Stupid hope.
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1 day ago
8 comments:
Yeah. I know how it goes. And it sucks.
We were always and still are "unexplained" though..obviously PREEEEETTY adamantly infertile. However, the unexplained kept us feeling the need to "try" even if we weren't cycling. Always, always, always to no avail. It DOES make you start wondering why bother. But then again, what if...
I hope you get suprising news.
I NEVER "enjoy" sex during O-time. I guess its because I just cant relax then. And I almost never want to have sex during the 2WW. I feel your pain girl!
Since getting pregnant for me REQUIRED some devine intervention I think I may know a little bit of how you feel.
It's hard to separate the two. sex, making babies. Wouldn't it be so nice if the two just came together so easily.
Fingers, toes and everything crossed that you get a BFP in 2 weeks.
Stacie,
Don't know if you remember me from our old days back on IVFconnections message board. I am in Kentucky and was cycling in Nashville right when you got pg with the boys. I didn't pop up and post when you were getting a head count a week or two back.
I could have written this post myself. We are completely done with doctors. We did one hail Mary cycle at Cornell last June and came away just more in debt. It was one of those things we wanted to try so we wouldn't be second guessing ourself years down the road.
I hate that time of the month but now I am getting more reconciled with the notion it's just me, Howie and my precious Emma. Do I still have those thoughts from time to time that it could still happen... Sure. But at the same time it drives me crazy. I had the crazy idea of just going back on the pill so I wouldn't have to "worry" about it.
Just know that you aren't crazy. If you were then I would be too :) People tell me to keep the Hope going... They just really don't get it though. Some days my level of Hope are stronger than others...
I'm so proud of you and for what you have overcome. You have two beautiful boys who are alive and growing and meeting milestones that some docs thought they never would!!
I will start doing better about posting. I started a blog when we were in NYC last year. I update it every now and then :)
Lisa
But sometimes...in a blue moon...that hope actually turns out to be justified....
I totally know what you mean about the pregnant therapist...I see pregnant women everywhere these days. I did when I was going through IVF as well...
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you...you send me sunshine, I'll send you babydust. Sound good?
i'm crossing my fingers for you and i am there with you. we're starting to try again, on our own, without fertility treatments. i'm not looking forward to the feelings/emotions i may have as we ttc #2. stupid hope... sigh... anyway, i just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you and i really, really hope you get preggers soon. ((hugs))
Hello, lovely Stacie. Just caught up on what's been happening in Storkeeyland.
Why the f*ck are so many people telling you you remind them of octuplet woman? You are TWIN woman, f*cks sake.
I hope you are feeling ok. Aint no fun in fun-kland. Not good, not bad, just blah. Sometimes that's the worst.
Hoping along with you, in the 2WW. It must be hard really mate, I'm sorry. Sending you my love, I really am.
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
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