Calm Is Not My Friend

While my life is often filled with happiness and lots of laughter, it's damn hard, too.

I forget to give myself credit for the living with and being happy in spite of the Hard. I'm tired, though. There is a lot of stuff to have to juggle. Rather than recognize that, I tend to beat myself up for not doing enough! being enough! saying enough! and a variety of other verbs listed before enough!

I even beat myself up for beating myself up. (I get caught up in that vicious cycle, as I am my own worst enemy.)

Sigh.

~~~

It's obvious that things have been rough lately. I thought I had handled everything well enough; I was upset and angry, but not "overly" so. I was worried about our financial welfare, but I put it into perspective the best I could. One by one, I ticked through the crises that crossed our paths, dealing with what I (we) could while dismissing what was out of my control. I was cool and deliberate as I (we) did what needed to be done.

In general, things are now okay.

And it's not like the things that are not okay are any worse than they were.

In all reality, things are actually calmer than they have been for a long, long time.

Without anything demanding my immediate attention, there is nothing left to do but deal with the emotional toll all this craziness has taken. My energy is spent, my patience is shot, and my sleep is challenged. Worse, it doesn't take much to push me over the edge. (You would not believe the meltdown ants on the counter again warranted. It wasn't pretty.)

Now I am wallowing in the Sad.

Frankly, the Sad can suck it.