PAIL Theme of the Month: High Standards (Edited)

This post is in response to PAIL's monthly theme on High Standards.

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How has infertility affected you as a parent now?

Sometimes I wonder which one has affected me more as a parent -- the length of time it took us to finally have our children or the prematurity. My guess is that while there are some lingering confidence issues from the infertility (it's hard to have confidence in your ability as a woman when you can't do something that is so very womanly), it is the trauma of the prematurity that has had the most impact on how I parent.

Did having more time to think and plan (due to infertility) make you a more ‘researched’ parent? If so, do you feel it has paid off?

Before the boys were born, I had actually done very little as far as research on parenting. I researched how to actually get pregnant relentlessly. Once I got pregnant, I read one baby book. I was so early when things went south on the pregnancy, and researching parenting during that time seemed too confident about the what the outcome would be. After the boys were born, I was given a book on parenting a premature baby (of which I read one chapter and cried so hard I had to put it down). My focus of the research I did while they were in the hospital centered on medical procedures. When the boys came home, I became the google queen on all things to do with prematurity/medical implications of their condition/therapy.

I will admit to succumbing to an informational overload about two years in, or right about when they were diagnosed with CP, and have relaxed some about constant research. Now I just do what I call a "problem" search. If I have a question on what I can do to solve a problem, I look it up.

Even with all that research, I still have no idea what I am doing. I've come to realize that none of us know what we are doing and every child is different even if someone did know. What works for them very likely won't work for us. And that's okay.

Do you feel the time you spent trying to become a parent means you should know more than the ‘average’ parent?

Believe it or not, this is not an area I beat myself up over. (As you could tell from the above answer.) We all do the best we can. Just because it took us longer to establish our family doesn't mean I should know more than everyone else.

Do you hold yourself up to a higher standard? What specific parenting standards do you have for yourself? (Are they about feeding, sleep, education, etc.)

Yes about certain things.

I very desperately want to do a good job and enjoy parenting my trio. When it takes years to finally reach what you've longed for, it feels downright ungrateful to not at least enjoy it.

The problem is that my kids are like all other kids. They push my buttons. They are not always well behaved. They challenge me and my parenting skills. They wake me up all night. They are kids.

I don't always respond to their behavior in the "best" way. I sometimes yell. I get frustrated. I go hide in the bathroom on occasion, so I can catch my breath. At those moments I don't enjoy parenting...

and I feel an immense amount of guilt over my weakness to be a better parent in those moments.

I love my boys with everything I've got, and dude, I don't think anyone can honestly say she enjoys when her child starts screaming and tantruming for who knows what at what always seems like the most inopportune time.

Still, it's hard to not feel like I should love every single second I've been blessed to have these boys in my life. I'm pretty sure these feelings are directly related to our battle with infertility.

Edited to add - You guys get that I do enjoy parenting my boys, right? I love being their mom and I love being with them -- 99.5% of the day. Yes, that 0.5% of the time can be challenging and rough and make me want to scream, but I still wouldn't trade my life or my kids for anything. I definitely don't want it to sound like I don't really like being a mom. Nothing is farther from the truth!

Is trying to be ‘succesful’ at parenting one of the ways you cope with having struggled with infertility?

I'm not sure my wanting to be "successful" at parenting has as much to do with my coping with our struggle with infertility as it does with me wanting to do everything in my power to give my boys the tools they need to be the best people they can be. I want them to see me try to do my best at being their mom, admit when I make mistakes, and apply the lessons I've learned as I go.