The Beginning of the End

Six years ago tomorrow, we were celebrating our first really good beta. On Mother's Day two days later, we learned that the beta more than doubled. That positive brought us our boys.

Tonight I marked the anniversary by starting my period, which as if the ultrasound wasn't enough, removes all hope about the possibility of viability. There is no mistaking that this is the end of a much wanted and longed for "miracle" pregnancy.

Sigh.

I am so angry at the universe...at my body. All I want to do is crawl into my head and throw a tantrum of epic proportion, one full of kicking and hitting until my muscles ache and screaming until my throat is raw. But I don't have that luxury. There are three little people to raise. Work to do. Important school meetings to attend. Holidays to celebrate.

I feel so broken.

This one is hard.