Ahh...Poop...

Shawn finally pooped today, a mere SIX FREAKING days after his last bowel movement. Of course, this was after pedia.lyte, pear juice, prune juice, suppositories, more screaming than I thought anything could ever possibly scream, countless diaper checks after semi-encouraging gas explosions, an x-ray (which said, "Hey, your kid has some poop in his bowels" - so enlightening), three frantic doctor calls, a doctor visit, a potential hospital visit if things didn't improve real soon, no sleep for anyone in the family, a volatile few nights between me and the hubby, and me going insane.

Today the poop finally came. He is feeling better, I think. I hope. Let this poop thing continue, please...we love poop.

But now Jason is constipated, too.

Seriously. Who did I piss off up there?

I am incredibly sad that I am not pregnant. More sad than I would have thought. Being late does that...lets that little hope in and brings up all the possibilities. I should have known better than to hope.

I know that having another child would probably be more than I should take on right now. Then I think about my ever increasing fsh number and I get panicked. That stupid number was elevated at age 34. What is it now? I just feel like I don't have the luxury of waiting until the time is "right," whenever that may be.

Shawn is home from the hospital. Apparently, his ventricle collapsed around the shunt catheter and blocked it. He had swelling on both sides of his brain this time because of it. The doctors believe that it is a good thing that the swelling was distributed over both sides; they say it means that the shunt is placed well and that both sides are now communicating.

Whatever.

I just want it fixed and to not have to spend another weekend there.

Right now the poor thing has terrible constipation. He hasn't pooped since Friday. While he has never been an every day kind of guy, it is unusual for him to go this long in between. Personally, I believe it is because they gave him morphine after this last surgery. Morphine kicks my ass and makes me feel horrible. He hasn't had it before after one of these surgeries, and it is the only thing done differently, so that is my uneducated guess at the cause of the problem. (and I wasn't there to make sure they didn't give it to him) Of course, it could also be that his system is rebelling because they have played in his head so often in the past month. Whatever the reason, he is suffering.

The doctor gave us some tricks to try (I am paranoid of having to actually take him somewhere, so please don't let it get to that), but there hasn't been relief yet. If you have any suggestions, we're all ears.

My period started. I suppose it is just as well.

On this day last year, I had my retrieval from the cycle that brought you to me. Happy conception day, boys--I so wish we would have been able to celebrate it in such a different way.

The fourth surgery in a little over 4 weeks is happening now.

My poor baby. I am so very sorry you have to go through this. I can't help but to think that I have failed somehow. I know that I did all I could to make you whole, but sometimes that isn't enough--for that, I am so, so sorry.

I pray that this is it.

I don't have any confidence in myself at this point to know if it will be. I thought the last time was it. How wrong I was.

Isaac is taking Shawn back to the hospital now. I was so filled with hope. And now this.

It is just so unfair.

I'm staying with Jason. I am in no state to drive the hour it takes to get to the hospital with Shawn anyway. Plus, there is no one to watch him, so here I sit--the loser between the two of us--the one who can't get her shit together enough to be there for her son at the hospital.

I am so angry. I am scared to death, frustrated, hurt, and so much more. Why does this keep happening? Why can't they just make him healthy? What happened to the confident "this is it" crap? Why can't we just get more than a week of seeing him smile and be happy? We didn't even make it to the stupid follow-up visit this time.

Who did I piss off in this universe that finds it so necessary to keep punishing us over and over again?

Yeah. I need another baby. Sure.

Now I am officially late two days. My very regular period, so regular that I started exactly 28 days after birth, is now late.

I can't bring myself to test.

I can't believe I just posted that. Forgive me.