One of my own what ifs is part of that incredible list. It pains me to admit that this thought plagues my heart and mind on a regular basis, and frankly I am not even sure why this what if was the one that my fingers typed that evening (because oh how I try to avoid it), but it is telling nonetheless.
What if I can never get over the feeling that my body has failed me...has failed us?
I suppose this question speaks volumes about what our infertility journey has done to me as a person. Once upon a time I was a confident, capable woman. If I wanted something, I knew that hard work and dedication would make that want attainable. I was optimistic and generally carefree. I was outgoing and took risks because I expected that things would work. It always had before.
But now, those parts of me are gone hiding deep inside. The confidence, the optimism, the expectation that all would be well are no longer the norm. Our life after that day I threw out my birth control pills in November, 2005, has taken its toll on me.
You might not even really understand at first why someone with amazing two year old twin boys (who continuously light up my waking moments with incredible amounts of joy I might add) would even consider her body a failure, but I do. Sometimes, the emotions and guilt I feel about this issue are so intense it can bring me to tears.
- My body was the one that brought infertility to my family's doorstep.
- My body was the womb o' death for two little lives and 10 embryos before I was diagnosed with high FSH at 34, MTHFR and a Protein S deficiency. Sadly, it continued to be the womb o' death for another little life after diagnosis.
- Once I got pregnant, it was my body which had an incompetent cervix that required an emergency cerclage at 20 weeks and strict bed rest.
- It was my body that PPROMed at 26 weeks and delivered my boys at 28 weeks and 3 days which created countless complications and pain for them (including a total of 14 surgeries between the two of them), some of which are likely to remain for life.
Intellectually I KNOW that I am not the cause of all that has happened. I KNOW I am not at "fault." Sometimes, though, the heart is a little slow to understand such logic. The heart just knows what it feels. In all of these cases, it feels like I should have been able to do something different, something that would have made things so much easier for all of us. And in each instance, my body failed -- I failed.
It is hard to be confident, when you feel like you failed so miserably at something it seems anyone can do without a second thought.
It is hard to be optimistic when it seems the universe takes every chance it gets to make things challenging and painful for our family.
It is hard not to expect the worst sometimes.
A part of me wonders if all of these feelings are not a large part of my need to have another baby. I wonder what if I get pregnant again and have a healthy, trouble free pregnancy? What would it be like to forgive my body--myself--for the previous failures and pain?
It would be so healing to be able to have another child and expand our family like I've always dreamed we would.
Because you know...it is so hard not to have hope that it won't always be this difficult. It is hard to not have hope that next time it will be better. What if it is?
---
I wanted to add that on this day three years ago, I had six embryos transferred. It was my third IVF after two early miscarriages.
I often wonder which of those little six embryos were the ones that became my miraculous boys.
I came home hopeful and excited. My husband, Is.aac, wrote a message on my belly welcoming our little embabies into the family. (It is our tradition for every transfer.)
I am so grateful for the two little boys who are now sleeping in their beds.
For some reason, I think it is fitting that this monumental event in our lives is tied to the National Infertility Awareness movement that is happening this week. It is my family's way of flipping infertility the bird--and boy does that make me smile. :-)
April 21 - May 1 is National Fertility Awareness Week, a movement to raise awareness about the disease of infertility which affects 7.3 million Americans. For more information about infertility awareness go here or here. To read more about how you can contribute to Project IF visit Mel’s Stirrup Queens.
Ja.son pre-op, just after he took his little cocktail. He is quite loopy here. (Notice his right eye is turned. They alternate turning in, which meant his surgery was bilateral.) I look like shit here. I had only had an hour and half of sleep because of the mom drama.
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