I Lost Another Ten Years Off My Life Tonight

I nearly had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on Ja.son. It was one of the most surreal/scariest moments in my life. It is a moment I hope to NEVER experience again in my life.

I swear it happened in merely seconds. He was fine.

I turned to help Sh.awn with his food.

Ja.son started to make this strange noise.

I looked over my shoulder and watched Ja.son grabbing at his chin and kicking his legs. My mind didn't recognize what it was seeing, though. I almost turned back to Sh.awn. But then it finally hit me.

He was choking!

I tried to get the food out of his mouth. He fought me. I got a tiny bit, but not enough.

Oh, man. His eyes scared the shit out of me. They were pure fear.

I couldn't get him out of his chair. My hands were barely steady enough to unbuckle the safety belts. I think it was at this point that Sh.awn started to freak the fuck out, too, and cry at the top of his lungs. I finally got the belts undone and pulled him out of the seat. I swung him over my arm, and the next thing I knew, he was in front of me and I was trying to decide where to put my hands on his belly.

At about that time food flew across the room.

Ritz crackers.

I think.

I don't know if I thrusted. I don't know if it was swinging him over my arm to get him in front of me. I don't care. All I care about is that he was okay.

He coughed and cried.

I cried.

Sh.awn cried.

Holy hell.

Ja.son is fine.

Once he stopped crying and calmed down some, he went about his business like usual. He even told Is.aac that he scared mommy.

I think I've finally stopped shaking.

Fuck.

My boys are trying to send me to an early grave.

Letter to the Stupid, Annoying Nurse

Dear Nurse,

Thank you for your cheery attitude. I love that you say all is going well and to proceed as planned. It does instill confidence in your patients.

Well it did until I asked you the level of my E2. (Were you hoping I wouldn't ask? Do people really not ask you what their hormone levels are? They just take your word on things? Yikes.) The upbeat attitude began to darken some when you told me it is 35. Yes, I am fully aware that that is 1 whole precious unit BELOW where it was FRIDAY of last week. (Yada, yada, yada, acceptable percentage of lab fluctuation so it may be a bit higher and Friday's results may have been a bit lower yada, yada, yada.) I am keenly aware that this lower E2 level is AFTER nearly $1100 worth of medication already shot into me.

But, I guess I am the only one keeping track of said levels.

I hope your insistence that the birth control pills would not suppress me too much will ultimately be correct. I'd hate to think about the alternative.

Oh, and thank you for the nice explanation of how E2 levels balloon toward the end of a cycle. Yeah. I am such a novice at this type of thing that I didn't realize estrogen levels increase as follicles mature. That was helpful.

Your annoyed patient,

Stacie

---

This isn't boding well for IVF #5. Yes, it is still early. Yes, I saw some pretty black blobs on both ovaries on the u/s screen. Still, it would have been nice to see something tangible from the blood work...

And We're Off...

It's official. Shot number 1 - 300 gonal f - was this morning. We both took our first dose doxycycline like good little patients, too.

2 vials of Menopur tonight.

Grow follies.

Grow lots of great quality eggs.

Let's show the doc that we aren't so "old" after all!

Friday Night Leftovers

Yeah, yeah. I know. It's Saturday and not Friday. Does it help to know I started this yesterday?

• Did my estrogen recheck on Friday morning. I was most upset about the whole thing. The clinic is 26 miles away from my house, and there was absolutely no traffic. I left my house at 7:15 am but didn't get back home until 9:15. There wasn't a lab slip written up for me when I got there, nor were there any notes about why I needed blood work. They finally had to ask me why I was there. Sigh. Anyway, my estrogen was 36. I got the go ahead to start stims on Monday. Next appointment is on Wednesday.
• The new phlebotomist asked if I fainted at the sight of blood. I wanted to smack her. I've probably had my blood drawn more often than she's ever done it herself. You can't have a five inch medical file (which she had in her hands, mind you) and not be able to make it through a blood test.
• Speaking of file thickness, I am extremely jealous of those women with the nice thin files who are obviously there for pregnancy scans.
• Does that make me a hard core IF'er now?
• Sh.awn ruptured my eardrum this week. He turned his head and hit my chin just left of center. It wasn't even hard, but I immediately felt an intense pain in my left ear. The pain was followed by the feeling that I had water in my ear and this weird whooshing sensation. Freaky. Anyway, the doctor confirmed that my eardrum was ruptured. Now I get some antibiotic drops for my ear to ensure it doesn't get infected.
• Remember how I said that my insurance was changing? Well, the last day of one provider's coverage was the day my eardrum ruptured. I hadn't yet got my new insurance cards, so I had to call to get my member ID# to fill my prescription. After an HOUR and four different phone calls, I found I am not in the new insurance company's system yet. My district office still had the forms I hand delivered to them nearly two weeks ago. My district said (when I asked WTF?) I needed to fill out a form before they could send my enrollment papers to the trust (we contract for insurance with several other districts in our area to save costs. That is all overseen by the trust). They didn't bother to check to see if the trust already had these stupid papers (which they did), they just picked their nose and made my life more challenging.
• I had to pay full price for my prescription and will have to go through the hassle of getting reimbursed once I know that I am officially insured.
• Oh, and the best part was that I found out the district office sent an email about me to the insurance trust and said I was Stephanie. WTF? I've worked for this district for over 12 freaking years as a contracted teacher and 2 additional years as a sub. Shouldn't they know my NAME by now? There are only 12 schools in my district, people.
• Stupidity makes me go insane.

• Sh.awn had his left bottom molar break through. He is still a bear and is hit and miss with his eating, but seeing that little fleck of white sure made me feel better.

Just Because It Could Happen Doesn't Mean It Will.

Today was one of those really hard days with the boys. Thankfully, I don't have these kinds of days often, or I might have to run screaming for the hills.

Mr. Sh.awn is starting to sow some royal two year old oats. He is a bear. A lovable and cute little bear, but a bear all the same. He wants everything to happen as he wants it, exactly when he wants it. It's pretty typical stuff. It's the same kind of behavior Ja.son has been exhibiting for what seems like years, now.

Except with Sh.awn, it is different. With Sh.awn, all of these tantrums could mean other things.

While I suppose they could mean other things with Ja.son, we've been so lucky with him. That luck allows me the luxury to not constantly worry about what his behavior could mean. His quirks are most usually chalked up to just regular toddler behavior. Outside of him throwing up, I rarely think about his shunt.

With Sh.awn, though, I worry. I worry about the fact that he is so much smaller than Ja.son. I worry when he doesn't eat the same amount. I worry when he doesn't drink the same amount. I worry about it all. He is my wild card. I worry because I never really know what is going on with him.

Sometimes I wish I had a portable CT scanner. It would be nice to really KNOW if a new quirk or fit or behavior or whatever you want to call it was caused by just the "normal" terrible twos, or whether it was something more sinister.

Of course if I had a portable CT scanner, the poor boy would glow so brightly you could see him from the moon. But damn. I would sleep so much better.

I am joking of course.

Mostly.

Sigh.

Sh.awn didn't eat much today. We're talking he ate two bites of his grilled cheese and one chunk of pears for dinner, three quarters of a granola bar and a few bites of banana for lunch, and maybe half of his normal breakfast. Oh, and part of a bowl of Tr.ix because I was so desperate to get him to eat something I was willing to give him the crap I don't usually give him. It just wasn't the norm for him to not eat all day long. The quantity in itself shouldn't be that big of a deal because it's only one off day of eating.

Kids do this.

I know food tends to become a power struggle. He knew I was feeling anxious about his eating, so he pulled the stubborn card and did the opposite.

Yeah, yeah.

My rational self even knows there are logical reasons for a change in his eating today.

Yesterday I started adding Carn.ation Instant breakfast into his milk to help beef him up a bit (he likes it so I thought why not). Maybe he's just fuller than he's used to being? (It fills me up, which makes this a huge possibility.) Plus, he has been chewing on his hands a lot this last week. I suspect the three missing two year molars are about to make their debut.

See? Logical.

If freaks me out nonetheless. I hate that it freaks me out. It doesn't help that his last shunt malfunction started with a major decrease in food consumption.

I am trying with everything that I've got to NOT do this.

To NOT treat him differently--them differently.

To NOT feel like or make it seem that I give more attention to Sh.awn simply because of my anxiety.

To NOT have Ja.son feel that Sh.awn gets more attention...which could translate to more love.

To NOT make their childhood any less than the BEST they can be because I am afraid.

Tonight I had a weak moment. I had to leave the room during dinner, I was so upset.

Sh.awn wouldn't eat; he'd just throw his food to the ground. He take of his glasses and throw them, too, while he cried and screamed, "No!" He got to the point where he'd just raise his hands in the air and pound them on his tray demanding things or cry or both.

I just got so angry at Sh.awn. At the situation. At the fact that I was worried about why he was doing this.

At the fear that it could mean something else.

At the insistence of my head to go to dark places when it probably doesn't have to.

At the fact that worry is there in the first place.

At my inability to focus on the idea that just because it could happen doesn't mean it will.

At the helplessness of not knowing what is ahead for us.

It's been a year ago this month since we've had troubles with Sh.awn's shunt--long enough that shunt failure isn't a daily thought, but apparently not long enough to allow me to believe that we are out of the woods.

I keep telling myself that this area of our lives will get easier as time passes.

It has to.

IVF #5

Had my scan today. All is well and things are quiet. Lining is thin like they want it. Did blood work. Waiting for the results. We are looking for estrogen to be over 25. If it isn't, I go back on Monday for another test. They want the estrogen to be over 25 to show that my ovaries are "no longer resting" and are ready to stim. (Whatever. This part is new.) Updated: My estrogen level was 23. I couldn't get just 2 more so I would be free of blood work. Oh, no. Not me. I go in on Friday for a repeat blood draw. Sigh!


GnRH Antagonist Cycle Calendar:

Wed 6/30 - take last of my BCP (Dude. These things suck.)

Mon 7/5 - Start stims: 300 Gonal F in the mornings & 2 vials of Menopur in the evening; also start Dexamethasone at bedtime; baby aspirin daily; folgard daily; both of us will take a 7 day course of doxycycline 2 times a day.

7/7 - monitoring appointment

7/10 - monitoring appointment

7/12 - stop doxycycline

7/13 - monitoring appointment; tentative trigger date

7/15 ish - tentative date for retrieval

7/20 - tentative date for transfer

7/30 - tentative date for beta

The meds prescription has been sent to the pharmacy. I'll hear from them today. (Interesting tidbit: Some of my meds should be covered by insurance, so I'll only have to pay $10. The snag is that my new insurance plan starts tomorrow. I don't yet have insurance cards. You can see how this should be fun, right?) I'll probably have a heart attack with the bill. I haven't used that much gonal before. Sigh. Updated: That $4000 we saved thanks to the RE? Well, it almost covered most of the meds. Dude. I almost had a heart attack when they quoted me the price. I guess that is what happens when you have crappy FSH numbers.

What...

...do you think Ja.son was thinking here?

It probably wasn't something nice, now was it? :-)

Now, I know what Sh.awn was thinking...



He's saying, "Cheeeeeeeeessssseee!"