The Blahs

You know how when you get overwhelmed with life and you just can't seem to come up with the words to purge your brain of all the insanity? I'm in one of those phases right now. There's so much to talk about, but I'm just struggling to actually write it all out. Clearly I'm having the blahs.

School for Sh.awn is better in some ways, not better in others. It is obvious that the school is completely unprepared to deal with kids in walkers/with different needs in the regular classroom. That makes me very nervous.

We have an SST meeting with everyone on Tuesday. I have this feeling I'm going to have to take out my claws and start fighting. Again.

I'm so tired of fighting all the time.

~~~

Here's a sweet story the teacher told Is.aac on Friday. Ja.son asked if he could collect the papers from his table group in class. As he handed them all to his teacher, he very proudly said, "This is the best day ever!" and gave her a kiss on the arm. His teacher said it was one of the sweetest things that had happened to her in a long time.

Meanwhile, Mr. Sh.awn thinks school is for talking to people. He can't understand why the teacher won't answer all his (unending) questions. He thinks that his hand up in the air means he should have an immediate response from his teacher, and boy does it make him mad when he doesn't get that!

Hard Week

School has been a huge adjustment for all of us, and I have to say that things are far from perfect. To recap:

Day one was okayish but hard on Sh.awn. They did not have an aide in place for him. There was an aide, but she was suppose to split her time with some other kids in the school. The principal stepped in to help be his aide when the other aide was gone. That didn't go well. Sh.awn is not his best when there are a lot of transitions. He didn't know these people who were coming and going. It was just...not an ideal situation. Then they decided that the boys won't leave out the same exit as the other kids because there are other parents lined up with the afternoon kinder kids where we'd need to exit. The walkway isn't big enough for us to get through if other people are there. So now we go through the school and out the front exit. It adds a lot of extra walking for the boys when they are already just tired. Sigh.

Day two was a little better, but still not without issues. The aide was now going to be with Sh.awn all day, but how effective can she be when she has to ask Is.aac what to do when Sh.awn tells her "no." Um...tell him yes and get on with business? When I talked to her after school, she said she wanted me to come 10 minutes early to pick the boys up because she had to go to lunch before she had to work with another student. Again, um...No.

Day three was the day the boys were kind of done going to school. There were tears and they just didn't want to go. Got them calmed down and in school only to find there was yet another aide in there for Sh.awn. He spent the day crying off and on, asking for me. The principal was again in and out all day long trying to help out, but let's face it. They made a hard situation even harder by given him yet another change to have to deal with during an already traumatizing week. Sigh.

I ask them how the day went and don't get much info from them. The second day they forgot to pick up the boys' homework and didn't give us that night's homework. We didn't get it the next night either. I don't know if there was homework for day three.

According to the other teacher in the room (the kinder teachers share a room and help the other out when not teaching), Sh.awn is ready for school. He makes it about half way through (until recess) before he just falls apart. He knows so much, but he is just really struggling with the transition.

Sigh.

I knew there would be a challenge in the transition to school for the boys, especially Sh.awn. But I have to say that watching him go through this is really, really hard. My stomach has been a mess for days. Is.aac and I are at each other's throats over the stupidest things. It's just...ugh.

To top it off, the boys are sick with fevers and throwing up. (although I did paste in Is.aac's texts to me about Ja.son getting sick over on the boys' blog because it was pretty funny how he described it)

It's been a hard week.

Tomorrow I go back to work, so I'll be even more out of the equation. I can't help but think things are spiraling out of control and I don't know how to stop them.

~~

Forgive the crappy writing. I just can't bring myself to even go back and reread what I wrote. Blech.

Kinder

We have the first day under our belts. It went better than I expected, although there are still a number of things that need to be ironed out (more on that later-too exhausted tonight to go there).

I dreamt of forgetting about my children at random places and leaving Jack in the car overnight. (Issues much?) It was a night of tossing and turning with little sleep for me. Is.aac and I even had a huge fight last night. We were pretty stressed.

It's that feeling of anticipation. I hate it, which is why I try to not think of things until the very last moment. I can't deal with the build-up and get so anxious. Just get the day here and get it over so I can regroup. Sigh.

Anyway, we decided that Is.aac would take the boys into the school. Sh.awn is in a long standing "mommy only" stage, and I thought maybe my presence would make him be more upset than he'd be with his dad. So...as hard as it was, I stood back on the sidelines. Like all the other parents, I stopped at the gate, kissed my boys, and sent them off to school. I smiled and waved to them as they entered. Then I watched Is.aac (the only parent beyond the gates) go in and do the part I wanted to do but knew I shouldn't. It isn't about me; it's about them.

I held up pretty well. Not a single tear even. (Go me!) That was until Is.aac sent me contraband pictures from the inside.

Story time on the rug- Sh.awn in the black shirt with the name tag
on his back. Ja.son in the upper left hand corner in the striped shirt.

My boys at their desk. Do you see his hand raised...
oh I am so proud!

There is still some tweaking to do and some things I am not exactly please with at this point, but it's an okay start. Fingers crossed that as we get into the routine, each day goes better than the last.

They said they had fun. They said they liked their teacher and made friends (no names, however). That's all that matters.

I wrote about the day on the boys' blog if you want to read more and see some more pictures. No pretty first day of school picture. It just didn't happen. :(

A Moment and A Fear

Today, Sh.awn and I sat on the floor and played with magnetic letters. He would choose one, we'd sing the Letter Factory song, and then put it on the fridge. Every few letters or so, we'd see if we could make words.

He was just sitting there, having the best time. As tedious as the Letter Factory song is for me, I had a lot of fun playing with him and watching him enjoy himself.

Once upon a time, there were so many unknowns about the future Sh.awn would face. He had a massive brain bleed at birth. He had thirteen brain surgeries before he was even two. How would all of that trauma transform his life? Would he sit? Use his arm? Walk? Talk?

Would he be cognitively typical?

I marvel at this kid and all that he has accomplished. Seriously, I am in awe of his determination.

In moments like this today, I have to remind myself that he was fifteen months old before he was able to sit, and even then that was with a whole lot cushioning around him in case he toppled (which he did a lot). His ability to establish a regular four-point position to crawl on his hands and knees didn't come until he was over 2.

And now?

Now I see this charming, funny, amazing kid who knows all of his letter sounds and is starting to string them together to make words. (OMG when he realized he read a real word it was the best look ever on his face. He was amazed!)

He is sitting criss-cross applesauce style in textbook fashion. For those of you who don't know of such things, this is a pretty big deal.

We're just a few days away from the start of Kinder. I can't really wrap my mind around how this milestone will change life as we know it right now. Yet even with my anxiousness, I am excited for them. I have no doubt that they are going to love learning and playing. I am fairly confident they are going to love school. Both of them will. I hope so, at least.

But there are moments when I get overwhelmed with the worry that the world won't see the fantastic kid(s) I see. The fear of sending him(them) out into the cold, hard world almost takes my breath away.

What if he isn't pushed or given high expectations or asked to perform to the best of his abilities?

What if they can't see past the walker and motor issues?

Worse yet, what if he internalizes other people's prejudgment and discrimination and allows them to extinguish his light?

It would kill me to see him hurt like that.

Because this boy?

He has a sparkle that lights up the room.

He has a laugh that will make you smile.

It's my job to make sure he stays that way.

~~~

Make me feel better and tell me you were worried about your kids starting Kinder, too, please. Then I won't feel like such a helicopter parent freak. Ahem.

Friday Night Leftovers

On Sunday we headed out to Disneyland with the boys. I have to say that it went so much better than I anticipated. We met several characters and watched parades (which was hard last time because everything was so loud). We even ventured on quite a few rides! The boys were pretty well behaved the entire time, despite staying up late, getting up early, and not really napping. I couldn't have asked for much more than what we got, it was that nice.

I did a few posts over on the boys' blog here and here if you'd like to see pictures.

~~~

When we got home and I had yet to see any information from the boys' school, I called to see when we'd get something. Come to find out, the boys had been registered for first grade rather than kinder because of their birthdate. (They made the cut-off for kinder last year by four days. I held them out another year any way.) They also were not in the same class like we were told would happen.

Um, hello? Why would I have filled out KINDER registration forms if I wanted them placed in first grade?

A few phone calls later and everything was cleared up, but still. It doesn't instill confidence when that kind of thing happens.

And WTF??? about every single thing we try to do becoming an issue? Come on, universe, this is ridiculous!

Anyway, Tuesday is a meet and greet with their teacher. They start school on Wednesday. I started hyperventilating yesterday. It's all good.

~~~

Ja.son asked me what would happen if someone brought a knife to school and cut his leg in half.*

OMFG! There is never anything on the television other than Nick Jr. or Disney Jr. while they are awake. I don't watch the news until 11 pm. Frankly, the boys are as sheltered from violence as much as I can possibly make them. I have no idea where that kind of comment could have come from, but it rattled me.

I don't know if maybe this is some kind of response to the recent walking and standing (20 seconds so far and counting!) that he's doing, or if he really did hear something somewhere and internalized the fear. Maybe it's a combination of both. It makes me sad, though, that he has that kind of thought floating around in that brain of his no matter what the reason behind it.

*I told him that he did not have to worry about that kind of thing happening. He will be very safe at school. He then went on to ask what would happen if he fell down at recess. Sigh.

~~~

On Wednesday I read in the newspaper that the Ea.ster Se.als pool at which the boys get their therapy is going to close. Apparently it would be costly to make repairs to the 40 year old pool, so they decided they'll close it.

Today. They closed the pool today. The employees (and therapists) were told the pool was closing four days ago. So...yeah. It looks like we won't be doing swimming therapy for a while. Bummer.

Universe, please see the above WTF item. Sigh.

~~~

I start school on the 26th.

What happened to summer?

It went by too fast!

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday - Makes My Heart Sing

He's been practicing, which is definitely not something he wanted to do before now.

He was always so afraid.

Lately, though, he's changed. He wants to practice.

And when he does, it makes my heart almost explode from my chest in happiness.

My eyes instantly flood with tears.

I bet you can totally understand why when you see for yourself. :)



It makes my heart sing! I'm am so proud of him!!!

I Swear This Kind of Crap Always Happens to Me

Thursday started wonderfully, with even the boys cooperating for the most part (they slept in!), for 4 and a half hours. From about 12:30 forward, the day slowly and surely started spiraling out of control.

 

That's when I got a call from a nurse coordinator from our insurance company asking if I had any questions or needed any help managing my prenatal care. When I told her I miscarried in May, she said she was sorry, and she'd update my files. She added, "Have a nice day!" before she hung up.

 

There's nothing like a little sucker punch to the gut to make the day cheery, right? Apparently the universe didn't get the message that it was my day off from crap. Sigh.

Then, to add more fun, I started my period on CD17. Cue freaking out about what this all means about my fertility because oh my god this has never happened before and I'm so old and how can this possibly be okay? (TMI - Lest you think that this might be a good sign or something, we're not talking about a little well timed spotting to indicate wanted things like implantation. Oh no. We're talking about a heavy bleeding episode that was at least equal to if not more bleeding than my usual af.)

I made it through the rest of the day. It clearly wasn't the best days I'd had, but I tried to salvage as much of the "day off" mentality as I could. As I was getting ready for bed, I went to grab my toothbrush in the holder and found a spider sitting on my toothbrush. The stupid thing had started webbing from the brush to the holder. (Yes, I had used my toothbrush that morning!) I swear the sucker was shaking his legs in defiance while I stared at it in disbelief and rapidly building horror.

I lost my shit.

I do not do spiders. By that I mean I really don't do spiders.

I ran to get Is.aac to make him destroy my bathroom as there was no way in hell I was going back in there the spider. Upon inspecting the one spider (he did not agree that it was shaking its legs), he found ANOTHER SPIDER right NEXT to my toothbrush. I am so glad I had missed the leg shaker's little friend. Seriously. I would never be able to brush my teeth, much less pee, in that bathroom again had I seen it.

My shit was lost again. Thinking about it still makes me shudder.

Needless to say, I did not brush my teeth that night. I am now the proud owner of a band spanking new toothbrush located in the other bathroom.

It was the ultimate bad day trifecta.

This kind of crap always happens to me.