Weekend Leftovers

This week is the deadline to choose our insurance plan. Based on the economics, especially now that Is.aac is out of work, I think we are forced to try out the HMO for the summer. I did go to the insurance fair the district offered and spoke to a woman in their pediatric division and was assured that they have people to meet our needs in all of our specialties.

I am not exactly happy with the decision, but there are not many options. My plan is to do all of this year's summer appointment (ped, neurology, neurosurgery/CT scan, possibly explore new walkers) through them and "meet" their doctors.

I am sad, though, to have to leave the doctors we have now. I trust them. They understand us and our needs. I hate that we don't really have much choice.

If I don't like the new HMO, it's open enrollment again in September (for November 1 start) and I can switch back. It will always be an economic gamble if we went with the PPO option, but I will do what I need to do if needed. 

*On a side-note, it does not make me feel all that great to hear all of this noise about a pharmacy strike looming for our new HMO. :/

~~~

Latest email from the teacher...

Can you believe how far we've come with these boys of yours? There has been so much progress and it has been so exciting to be a part of it. I could tell by their answers [on their teacher appreciation questionnaire] that our day-to-day has impacted them and that makes my heart smile! 

 

I love her!

 

I asked her if she's going to move to first grade because I don't know what we'll do without her. I was kidding. Mostly. Alas, that pesky issue of meeting the school's needs is going to prevent that. Bummer.

 

~~~

 

It had been hellaciously hot last week.

 

I know you guys are probably rolling your eyes at me, but in my neck of the woods, it is a rare day when the temp is in the mid 80's. It is even rarer when it hits 90's. I live two minutes from the beach, so it just doesn't get hot. The last two days, though, we were in upper 90's and broke 100 degrees.

 

My classroom does not have air-conditioning. With every single window and door open, it was still 93* in my room at 1:00. My document camera/projector even quit because of the heat. It was brutal.

 

I am so, so relieved that temps should be back to normal for us this week.

 

~~~

 

I got a tiny bit sunburned this weekend. I managed to miss a two inch by 1/2 inch section of my left upper arm when I was applying sunscreen. It's an angry red. Fortunately, other than when I directly touch it, the burn itself has been no problem.

 

The real issue is that I have hives. They started right on the sunburn and radiated out from there. It is the oddest thing.

 

And they itch like crazy!

 

~~~

 

5.weeks.left.thank.GOD.

 

~~~

 

I bought tickets to take the boys to a Se.sa.me Street show on Saturday. Now I'm wondering what the heck I was thinking.

 

I am really nervous about it. Am I the only one who breaks out into a sweat at the thought of taking her children out into the real world? I do take them out and all, but holy hell the stress involved in trips like this wears me out. The mere thought of trips like this wears me out.

 

This is clearly a case of the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.

 

 

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers. :)

Weekend Leftovers - Short and Sweet

The countdown to the end of the school year continues. 29 days. Just under 6 weeks.

I can't wait.

Now I'm in the rush to finish everything I can before the end of the year. As much as I long for summer, I never feel like I have enough time to get through everything I need to teach them before they leave!

~~~

Sh.awn lost his fourth tooth tonight. Fortunately, we managed to get it out of him without him swallowing it. Score.

The Tooth Fairy needs to remember to visit tonight.

~~~

Ja.son blew my mind when he...wait for it...JUMPED TWICE in a row without holding anything. He fell after the second hop, but it was pretty amazing.

He's getting so strong and brave all of a sudden. He walks around the house fairly often, now. He turns mid step. He walks over things. I just watch him in awe. :)

~~~
For more Leftovers, stop by Danifred's. :)

Parents of Preemies Day

Yesterday, May 4, was Parents of Preemies Day.

Few things in my life have shaken my core like having my boys prematurely. While giving birth in itself is a life changing event, watching your desperately wanted babies struggle to breath and come to the brink of death more times than you'd care to count has a way of altering your very being in an overwhelmingly profound way.

Maybe we did have a more traumatic NICU stay than many. Maybe we faced a few more long term complications than most. But, I'd venture to guess that even the "easiest"* NICU stays have the potential to teach a person to never, ever take children for granted. The way a person sees the world will quite possibly never be the same.

The experience and its aftermath has haunted me for many years. Slowly but surely I've come to no longer say I failed my boys. Maybe I've even gotten to the point of mostly forgiving my body (and myself) for their early arrival. It's been, and continues to be, a painful process, but I think I'm getting there.

I know I'm getting there.

This year has been momentous for us, as I suspected it would be. After many, many years of keeping ourselves wrapped in a predictable, safe little cocoon, we let our fragile little preemies fabulous boys out into the big, big world of kindergarten. There were a few adjustments to make, but adjust they did.

They are succeeding.

They are thriving!

With each achievement they make on their own, I feel more and more confident in their future. I feel my need to shelter them lessen some. These boys are going to do amazing things and nothing is going to stop them.

It's been a different story for Is.aac, though. While I have felt my urge to protect them from the world ease, he has experienced the opposite reaction.

He's wrestled with new demons of fear, which leave him wanting to real in the boys' freedom. He's become the parent walking behind the boys with his hands out, waiting to protect them from the next hazard.

It could be, in part at least, due to the fact that he's now more of a caretaker for the boys since he's been laid off.

I think it's also because he's never had the chance to really deal with all of the emotions from the boys' early days. Now that there is no other direction for his attention at work...well, he feels the responsibility of keeping them safe in a much keener way.

We've been doing a lot of talking lately. About those days. About the feelings behind that time.

I've had a hard time working through how I've been affected, and I've had outlets to direct my emotions.

He's not had anything.

How powerless he must have felt during those days. The doctors and nurses told him much bleaker updates than they ever told me. (Which? I'm choosing not to really think about this.) His wife was an emotional/hormonal mess/guilt ridden mess. He was expected to be my rock, and yet he had no rock of his own on which to rely.

I feel for the him and what he endured during that time. I feel for him now.

So yesterday, on this year's Parents of Preemies Day, I spent the day celebrating my husband and his resilience, courage, strength, and commitment to his family. I thanked him for his support while I healed. It's now my turn to support him on his journey toward healing, too.

*I don't care how long you stay, or what the circumstances behind the it, no NICU experience is easy.

Friday Night Leftovers

My birthday was last Friday. I wonder if it means something special if your birthday falls on Good Friday, like this year will be extra Holy or something? I don't know. It would be nice, though.

We had a quiet celebration. We went out for brunch with the crew, which went a heck of a lot better than I had expected. That afternoon we went to go see the Easter Bunny and get the car washed. We are WILD around these parts.

So this marks the start of year 42. I am still struggling with that idea. 42. The idea of it is foreign. How can I be 42? I don't feel 42. What does 42 even feel like anyway?

I guess it feels like this...like normal.

~~~

I have a group of students that like to come into my room and hang out during their breaks and after school. They're great kids.

One of the boys was talking about his older sister. When I asked him how old she was, I was surprised to learn she was 33.

He's 13.

I asked him how old his mom is. She's 51. I immediately thought, "Wow. She's pretty old to have a 13 year old!"

Then I remembered I'll be 52 when Jack is 13. Holy crap. Talk about a moment to deflate my happy bubble.

~~~

The boys had an award ceremony this week. Everyone was recognized for something. The teacher would call out the child's name and then give a few comments about why he or she earned the reward.

By the sounds of the comments the teacher made about the other kids, my boys are doing just fine. I'm just so, so proud of them! There are a few pictures on the boys' blog if you're interested.

~~~

Speaking of the boys' rock star teacher, I am already thinking of what we might give her for a thank you gift. She has done so much for the boys, really going light years beyond anything expected, so I wanted to do something a little more significant that the traditional gift.

Any ideas?

~~~

Heard two very load booms outside my house. Now I'm listening to the police scanner to make sure something isn't happening around the house.

They just discussed a former student over the scanner. At least it was on something unrelated...sigh.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Happy Easter!

Thank you to everyone who left me a line about reading the blog. I'm working my way through responding to all of your comments via email. I sure hope that replying to your comments via email actually works...

Anyway, this was a pretty eventful weekend, so I definitely have to do an update post tomorrow. Until then, I just wanted to say I hope you all had a wonderful Easter. :)



It looks a lot better if you click on it to enlarge.

 

 

A new thing the mall did this year was to take pictures before you actually get to see the Easter Bunny. My guess is that the reason for it is twofold: 1) give those waiting something to do, and 2) try to extract more money from everyone. Fortunately, we didn't need to worry about number 1, as there was absolutely no one in front of us. As you can see, they nailed us with number 2, though. :) How could I resist? Look at how cute that picture came out!

 

After the family picture, we walked around to visit the Easter Bunny. Jack was a little unsure of the big dude, but he managed fairly well. Jason could not wait to see him. Shawn was not going to get anywhere close to the Easter Bunny. In fact, Shawn was most annoyed we weren't going to see Santa. He went so far as to insist we just head on up to the North Pole so he could have his visit. Cracked me up!

Thanks again, everyone!

Blogoversary - 7 Years and Counting

Yesterday was my seventh blogoversary. It seems pretty surreal that it has been this long.

I'm not usually one who sticks with things. I enjoy getting started in activities, but I am guilty of growing bored and leaving things unfinished. Blogging has been a different story for me. Even when I don't think I have anything else to say, I come back. I can't seem to ignore the pull of writing in this space.

Time and time again, I sit in front of my computer and wait for the words to flow. For me the fingers don't lie; the words on these pages are an open window to my true self. While I tend to censor myself when I am in the real world, here I try to just go with where my emotions take me. I blog because it helps me process the craziness of my life. It's exhilarating and frightening all rolled into one.

When I first started blogging, it was easy to connect* with others following the same path I was. I read the blogs stories about the lives of a close knit circle of beautiful, strong women. We laughed and cried, shared our inner most thoughts, and supported and encouraged each other through the trials of life. We celebrated births and mourned losses. We rallied together for those who were in crisis. We left tributes for those of us who have sadly passed from our Earth. I invested in their lives, and I think (hope) they invested in mine. I still feel a strong tie to those women. I blog because I love the friends I've made along the way.

I write from the heart my truth as I know it. I am far from perfect, and as I'm sure you realize if you've been around for any length of time, I don't try to be perfect. What you see is what you get with me. Well, you would probably actually get less if you knew me in real life because I am fairly tight-lipped on personal stuff. I blog because it frees me to just be and feel.


*There is still the connection on the internet today, for which I am thankful, but the circle is no longer as tight now that there are so many blogs.

~~~

I appreciate people who are real and true to themselves. I read blogs that are similar --written by real people who own their struggles and mistakes, and try to learn from them. I shy away from blogs that depict that perfect life. Who in the hell has that?

 ~~~

Would you mind waving your hands at me in the comment section? I have no idea who's around here anymore. :)

Bittersweet

Ja.son has slowly adjusted to life without his glasses. He struggled the first day. He asked for them once the second day. Today, he didn't ask for them at all.

Sh.awn, however, is still struggling with the change. He frequently reminds Ja.son to go get his glasses. He argues with Jay when Ja.son says he doesn't wear them anymore. I guess it makes sense; Sh.awn is the one who saw the glasses all the time. It must be so strange to see such a huge change in the familiar face.

As much as I hate those glasses, I must admit that this new milestone is a little bittersweet for me. The glasses were a visual link between the boys, a small sign that yes, they are more than brothers when there is so little else that implies they are twins.

Sure, they still have a few parallels to their lives. The CP is one. When they are both in their walkers, it's obvious the two of them are connected in some way. But really, that's the end of their similarities.

The boys have always been very different. Aside from the brief time during their very early days, they look different. One is tall and lean with a mass of coarse, thick hair. The other is more average in size with fine, straight hair. They have always been different in their strengths and interests. One likes numbers and math. One likes to read. Their differences go on and on, and for the most part we celebrate them as individuals.

The differences ended when you looked at their faces; the glasses and even their scripts were the same. They both had them, one of the few remaining things they still shared. To some extent, the glasses became a symbol of their twinness.

Each is his own person, yes, but they will always be twins.

I've always thought that being a twin is something interesting and unique. I hate that this feels like yet another way they've been cheated from the specialness of their birth.

I don't know. Maybe they could care less.

Maybe this is something that bothers me a whole hell of a lot more than it will ever bother them.

As much as I am happy that his eyes have done just what we wanted them to do when he first got his glasses on his first birthday, and even thought it may be silly, there is that part of me that is feeling melancholy nonetheless.