Few things in my life have shaken my core like having my boys prematurely. While giving birth in itself is a life changing event, watching your desperately wanted babies struggle to breath and come to the brink of death more times than you'd care to count has a way of altering your very being in an overwhelmingly profound way.
Maybe we did have a more traumatic NICU stay than many. Maybe we faced a few more long term complications than most. But, I'd venture to guess that even the "easiest"* NICU stays have the potential to teach a person to never, ever take children for granted. The way a person sees the world will quite possibly never be the same.
The experience and its aftermath has haunted me for many years. Slowly but surely I've come to no longer say I failed my boys. Maybe I've even gotten to the point of
I know I'm getting there.
This year has been momentous for us, as I suspected it would be. After many, many years of keeping ourselves wrapped in a predictable, safe little cocoon, we let our
They are succeeding.
They are thriving!
With each achievement they make on their own, I feel more and more confident in their future. I feel my need to shelter them lessen some. These boys are going to do amazing things and nothing is going to stop them.
It's been a different story for Is.aac, though. While I have felt my urge to protect them from the world ease, he has experienced the opposite reaction.
He's wrestled with new demons of fear, which leave him wanting to real in the boys' freedom. He's become the parent walking behind the boys with his hands out, waiting to protect them from the next hazard.
It could be, in part at least, due to the fact that he's now more of a caretaker for the boys since he's been laid off.
I think it's also because he's never had the chance to really deal with all of the emotions from the boys' early days. Now that there is no other direction for his attention at work...well, he feels the responsibility of keeping them safe in a much keener way.
We've been doing a lot of talking lately. About those days. About the feelings behind that time.
I've had a hard time working through how I've been affected, and I've had outlets to direct my emotions.
He's not had anything.
How powerless he must have felt during those days. The doctors and nurses told him much bleaker updates than they ever told me. (Which? I'm choosing not to really think about this.) His wife was an emotional/hormonal mess/guilt ridden mess. He was expected to be my rock, and yet he had no rock of his own on which to rely.
I feel for the him and what he endured during that time. I feel for him now.
So yesterday, on this year's Parents of Preemies Day, I spent the day celebrating my husband and his resilience, courage, strength, and commitment to his family. I thanked him for his support while I healed. It's now my turn to support him on his journey toward healing, too.
*I don't care how long you stay, or what the circumstances behind the it, no NICU experience is easy.
Posts
3 comments:
Such a good post. Brought tears to my eyes. You are such a strong person, MOM, Stacie. You are a rock, even if you don't feel like one. You are such a strong advocate for your boys and I believe they are thriving because of you and Isaac.
I would most definitely say that my babies had one of those "easy" NICU stays. I think there is lots of emotions no matter the situation, but I truly feel for those parents of preemies that have months on end in the NICU where you are constantly in fear for your babies. Mine were healthy, just early, and I was still afraid for them. Makes me feel almost guilty.
I had no idea there was such a thing as Parents of Preemies Day. I'm glad you were able to spend the day celebrating!
I loved this post. As we approach our 4 preemies' 4th birthday (Sunday!) I have been doing a lot of contemplating myself.
You're right that the dads have to be the rock for the whole family and don't get their own rock. Thanks for the reminder -- I need to be aware of that more when things are especially difficult.
Great post Stacie, and so true. On the one hand we moms have so much to deal with, with the guilt that our bodies failed us (even when we should be kinder to ourselves about that, as you and I both know). But the wonderful dads like Isaac and Jordan (and countless others) are left to be the rocks for all of us and that is a tough, TOUGH role. My God am I ever thankful for him then, and now, but thanks for the reminder of it :)
Post a Comment