I Am Sick, I Know It!

The obsession continues. I know. I am a freak. Can't help it. Here is today's test...

I am glad it is getting darker. Thankful is a more accurate word. Blessed is an even better one. One hurdle down...the bigger one to go.



I don't know if I told you my history, but this is my third ivf after two mcs. I have success with the first part of ivf only to later fail at the pregnancy part. It has been very hard emotionally, but I keep trying to pick myself up and work toward the goal of a baby.



After miscarriage #2 in March 2007, I finally convinced my RE to do a recurrent miscarriage panel. He kept saying that he thought it was bad luck, which to me was interpreted as "you've got old eggs, honey." Anyway, they found that I am compound heterozygous MTHFR and I have a Protein S deficiency. Basically, I don't process folic acid and the b vitamins AND my blood doesn't have enough protein in it to stop it from clotting. (I have the womb o' death for an embie is what I think a lot of the time.) Still I have tried to be positive (for the most part) and believe that all will be okay. We found a problem that we can solve--that has to be something, right?



The clinic wanted to retest this Protein S activity again (in case it was a false positive although my levels were really low), but for the second time, they say there are no results. The first time I went in for the retest, they did the wrong test, so the test had to be done again. I was assured the results from the second attempt at the retest would be in by retrieval. No. Then I was assured they would be in by transfer. No. Now I am told they will have to redraw my blood because the lab never got the specimen. This is the third attempt at a retest. Is God trying to keep me from knowing the answer here, or what?



Now I have tested postitive on my hpts. I am pregnant. Each time I test, I pray that the line will be darker. I get even more afraid every time it is. Let this one stick!



I would have to go on lovenox if the Protein S Deficiency is still positive...with no results, then what will happen? I am feeling like I have doomed 6 embies to the "womb o' death" because my clinic keeps screwing up. I am sitting here still trying to be positive, but I am failing miserably. Sniff. Sniff.



Dh has been on the phone all afternoon trying to clear this up (I have been teaching and proctoring the state testing, so I haven't been able to do it).



It is still up in the air as to what will happen. I pray that this will work out and that my little baby(ies) will have a chance this time.



There is always something to worry about...will it ever get easier?