Things around here haven't been going very well. My husband and I have been fighting like crazy. Not little spats. Fights. I don't like you very much fights. Over and over again. About big things, little things, things that matter, things that don't. Fighting for the sake of fighting it seems.
It is making me incredibly sad and more than a little depressed. I've been crying a lot more than I would care to admit.
I do love him. But, all of a sudden, it is bad.
We've been together since high school. It will be 19 years in August. We have had our ups and downs, just like everyone else, but this scares me. I don't really want to talk to him and it seems like every time he opens his mouth he's criticizing me or complaining about something. I haven't been much better.
I don't know if it is all the stress from the months since the boys' birth that is catching up to us. I don't know why it is happening.
I don't know how to stop it, either.
Today is Father's Day, and I don't want to celebrate it for him. I am being petty, I know, but he was so cruel when it was Mother's Day, so why should I celebrate for him what he wouldn't celebrate for me? I have two little cards, picked out yesterday, for each baby to give him. I just don't know if I will. That is just plain sad.
Right now he is making a grocery list so he can do some shopping. Why him and not me, you ask? Because he just bitched that he doesn't like it when I do the shopping because he doesn't always know what is there. Fine then. Do it yourself. Stupid. But I am mad and he is mad and we aren't talking.
His tactic is to just disappear and not talk about what is happening. That drives me up the wall. I need to talk. He doesn't and won't until he wants to. So the fights continue...
Sigh.
Today is Father's Day. Today is my parent's anniversary. My dad is gone. Isaac is being a prick. I am sad.
**Updated**
My mom and I went to Tar.get for a little while. I think it did me some good. There is something about that place that can usually make me feel a little better. Anyway, I did decide to give him the cards this afternoon. He did appreciate them and was really cute with the boys afterward. Sigh. If only that was all it took to make everything better again...
Posts
1 day ago
15 comments:
I am sorry you are having such a bad day. After 19 years, I'm sure you know that there are phases. Maybe this is just one of them - try (hard as it sounds) to talk to each other. You know that nothing gets resolved if you dont talk. Also, maybe the two of you need some time away together (if possible) without the boys.
Been married 24 years myself, and there are BAD DAYS. Try to work on it though.
I'll be thinking of you.
::HUGS::
ok see now this I get. I TOTALLY understand all of this behavior.
I think things have finally settled down enough for you to both feel the stress and the tired and the emotional draining that you've both gone through for the last 7 1/2 months.
You've had more than most so it's going to hit you both harder.
My advice...give each other space. Tell him when things are calm...that when things get ugly (and they will) that you both need to TRY and not hurt each other with mean words. You can say that you are pissed, you can say that you feel the other person isn't doing shit...but you can't say, you are a worthless piece of shit and I wished I had never married you. :)
19 years only means that you have THAT much more to hold on to. Your rope has that many more threads and is that much harder to break.
Stay strong. Even if it's YOU who makes the effort and becomes (yet again) the hero.
I was thinking about you today with the loss of your dad so recent. I'm sorry, sweetie, that things are so bad right now.
My dad is gone, too. I'm sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now. You both have been probably storing up a lot of hurt from the past year + and I hope you can get it out and be happy together again.
(((hugs, hugs hugs))) to you. This is a part of motherhood/parenthood that we don't know about or don't think about. I am so very sorry that this is hitting you both so hard.
You are both good people; you wouldn't have married your DH and gone through so much if he was a jerk at heart, right? You are both just overwhelmed and in a spiral of trying to cope, taking it out on each other.
Is counselling available to you? It might help to vent everything you want to vent to someone who's paid to listen to you, who won't hold grudges against your hubby (as your friends might if you tell them all the dirty laundry??) And maybe a counsellor could see some ways of breaking through for you both.
Counselilng for both you would probably be a great idea but getting DH to agree to it might be tough. There is a possibility that your marriage is in real trouble, but hopefully it is one of those really tough times that any marriage faces, which you can get through on your own or w/ help.
One way that I know is very, very hard - but it has worked for me - is to do stuff for him, little thoughtful things, things you know he will like/appreciate. A massage maybe, a little gift, pushing him out the door for time with his buds or hitting golf balls or whatever. If you can get yourself at all in the mood (pretty darn tough to do if youi're feeling disconnected), maybe a bit of seduction or something. This kind of thing can be really tough to do and may not even be an option for you depending on how you are feeling. But if you can get to a point of wanting to do any little thing to make him happier, to show him you appreciate him, it can crack open the bad cycle. Even just searching for 1 thing a day you can say, that you appreciate what he is doing/has done.
I hope some of that may be helpful to you. DH and I have been through our moments - discussed splitting up (pre-kids, about 5 years in) - counselling. We learned alot about how we communicate differently & how to spend time together. It was one of the toughest, soul-wrenching experiences I've ever had. It also enriched our marriage so much. Maybe "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger?"
I wish you the very best in getting through this.
Peace to you, your DH and your wonderful boys.
Andie
Just found your blog via a comment you left for someone else. Wanted to send some sympathy and a virtual hug your way. You seem like you need it! I know life has its ups and downs...I hope this down won't last long. I won't offer any advise, but I do hope you gave him his cards :-)
Good luck! We've all been there--just maybe not with twins, bless you!
I am so sorry. I have definitely been there, but I don't have any answers. I will be thinking about you.
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Just from talking to other parents of multiples, this is NOT uncommon. Things have definitely changed between my husband and I since our boys were born. I'm sure all marriages have issues once kids are thrown into the mix, but multiples adds a whole new level to a marriage. I do'nt know what to tell you, we haven't made much progress in the past 2 years. It sucks. I have always heard if you would do a graph for marital satisfaction, it is always lowest when you have children betwween the ages of 0-18. Surprisingly, the adolescence of your children is supposed to be the lowest point in a couples marriage. I woudl love to see a study based on paretns of multiples though. Ok, enough of a psychology lesson, just know you are not alone. We're going through it too!
i pop into your blog now & then & just want to send a prayer your way. marriage is great, but it also has it's share of "suckiness". that's ok, we married couples ALL go through it. i too have the hardest time when my man refuses to talk & make time to work it out. Just hang in there & believe that your husband is a good-willed person. I am confident that deep inside he really does LOVE you & wants the best for your family. Keep pushing THRU!
E~
I firmly believe that Target retail therapy can fix anything. ;)
I hope things settle down soon with you and your hubby. I think haven't kids is a big adjustment, but I'm sure you will get through this difficult period. *hugs*
I'm sorry to hear about the "rocky road" you are on right now with DH. (maybe some Rocky Road ice cream would help...?)
We have twins and our lives have never been the same since they were born. Lots-o-stress in your household with the boys health issues.
Hold on. Be nice to him as hard as that may be. He'll be nice to you in return, I hope. :)
Awwww, so sorry. I hate it that it wasn't a good weekend. You guys have worked so hard to get here. It is a real shame that you can't enjoy it.
My hubby and I are having a rough time of it too, so I understand how much it sucks. It's never fun having a sucktastic time with hubby every time you see him.
I do wonder if some of your issues are trauma based. You guys are just now coming out of the fog, so it seems very likely. I know our troubles started just about the time our lives seemed to get back to normal (in a routine). Hope that's all it is and it will die down soon.
Please know this is normal. It's not something people talk about so you can end up feeling alone.
The first year is the hardest although I can't say things are exactly smooth over here 15 months later.
I've spent many days resenting him for not helping more, he's super critical, ugh, I could go on and on.
I really have no advice since I'm experiencing the same thing but I wanted you to know it's normal and it will get easier.
hugs!!
I def think this is normal. Having twins is hectic and does effect the relationship btwn husband and wife. I think you are feeling it now bec everything is settling down (thank GD). You didnt have too much time to dwell on anything when Shawn was in and out of the hospital. I def feel that my husband and I fight much more than we did pre-babies. I mean now we just complain about who did what when- we get no breaks from it all, so obviously there is tension. Maybe it would do you good to go away alone for the weekend if you have someone you trust to watch the boys. Or maybe just send jason over to grandma's for the night. I think you guys need some sort of break.
Maybe try to talk things out when you guys are OK with one another? Myhusband hates to talk when he's angry. He needs time to himself. So when everything is well take him aside and have a discussion.
hugs
I hope things are looking up soon, I'll be thinking of you and I'm glad the Target trip helped a little. I've been catching up on your blog and you've been through a lot! Hope this week is going better than the weekend :-)
Post a Comment