Let's start with the obvious: I want to be excited. I want this to work, and I want to have a baby somewhere around nine months from now. But, I fear that if I get revved up about the possibilities of this cycle, something is going to happen to derail things. I almost expect for it to come, and I hate that I anticipate that other shoe to drop and crush me again. I hate that there always seems to be that other shoe there to drop.
In the beginning of us trying to conceive, three and a half years ago, I would just pick myself up, focus on the path ahead, and continue chugging along. I was always optimistic. I believed things would eventually work out for us. That belief was my fuel to keep me moving.
Then the boys came.
With them came incredible joy and so much uncertainty.
Even with something so wonderful as my little men, there is still that giant foot waiting to stomp on us at any moment.
When we decided to have more children, we knew that it probably wouldn't be easy. That isn't true. We hoped it would be easier. I hoped that we had found the magic combination to bring us a quick completion to the dream. Alas, that was not to be.
Our hope (and our hearts) was dashed again with the miscarriage. And again because my body didn't cooperate and suppress like it should have.
My fuel is depleted with each additional barrier we face. And damn it, there have been many. Lately, each new low is darker than the low before it, which scares me to no end. I am still able to pick myself up, but it takes longer; it's harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel; and my belief is waning. Now I question if there will be the point when I can't dig myself back out to rejoin the world. How much longer can I continue even if that means I don't reach the dream of adding to our family?
The emotional spiraling that happens after a bad cycle or heaven forbid, a loss, almost frightens me to the point of immobility.
I hate that fear can is dictating how I live. It rules with the boys a lot of the time. Now it rules here, too.
I want to be excited, but I just can't find it in me right now, which seems so......wrong.
Like now I am already failing this possible child to be.
Like now I am dooming us to not succeed.
Sigh.
Shot two was yesterday. My next scan is Tuesday. I suppose that will be the real test. I expect that I'll probably have another follie in bloom. It just sort of feels like there is too much activity in the ole abdomen for things to be going smoothly.
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I remember feeling like that and I remember each set back spiraling me deeper and deeper. I hope you have success soon because that is an awful place to be. {{{Hugs}}}.
PS...the only thing that dragged me out of that deep, dark hole was lexapro...but that is just me.
You are so normal. These thoughts are also expected.
I will tell you something that I finally said to myself during the first 5 years of it, after my miscarrage and before my conception with Syd.
I was in a negative place. I was like you, trying to be excited but doubt filled my heart and mind to ease the pain of the negative.
Thing is. If I was negative or positive...the outcome was the same...as were my crushed dreams.
So I chose to be excited and happy and positive. Because all I was doing was wasting the 2 weeks before my period started being a miserable black hole.
It only kind of worked. I was a bit leary that first cycle after because I was SOOO crushed and then there are all of the studies about how fertile you are right after and blah blah blah. but I made it through. and I think it did help to change my attitude. It didn't get me pregnant sooner than I was supposed to....but it helped me be in a place that was better for me.
You don't have to publish this :) I didn't expect to take over your comments.
Thinking about you and your scan. Crossing my fingers for quiet ovaries !!
You are right, it is hard to be optimistic when so many other things have hit you guys. I take the route of not believing anything until it happens. I don't allow myself to get too excited nor too pessimistic, I'm just living through the moment.
Praying that this works for you guys.
I will pray for you for sure, actually have been every day for some time now..
I understand the depth's and i also understand from reading the short time i have that you are a STRONG woman and will be ok in the end.....
You do have 2 awesome miracles to go home to every day :-)
Here's the thing... I don't want to be the one insisting that everything is puppies and rainbows, because that would be ungenuine and untrue. You have had some horrific experiences that validate your worries, and I can understand why those would linger.
Here's some great advice I got once, when I was gripped by depression. "You're already worried and stressed and low. Why compound it by worrying about worrying?" What a funny, yet revolutionary, idea, at least for me... What if it's okay to worry? To doubt? For some reason, this also gave me a little more space to relax and to hope. When I wasn't beating myself up for thinking what I was thinking, my mind just got a little freer.
You're not hurting your chances for this cycle by feeling ambivalent at times. You're just feeling what you're feeling, and I'm thinking about you.
Know that I am thinking about you!
Hugs,
C
{{{{HUGS}}}
It's so hard to hope when you've been through what you've been through.
But know that the rest of us will hope for you, when you just can't.
Remember...something can happen right when you least expect it. Chloe was our little miracle...and the boys were pretty miraculous too. I know that sounds a bit Disney-ish, but you know what I mean. As (gasp!) George Michael would say, you have to keep the faith :D
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