Thanks to Caryanne, I was introduced to a new blog that has me absolutely rivoted. The author, Kelle, anxiously awaited the birth of her second daughter, Nella, only to find after the birth that her beautiful new daughter has Down Syndrome. This post describes Nella's birth and her realization that things are not how she expected them--have your Kleenex handy because you will need them.
This blog has touched me deeply. The author uses the metaphor of going on a trip and expecting to land in Italy, only to find that you have instead been forced to land in Holland. There is beauty to be found in Holland, but that isn't where you wanted to go. She is still struggling to learn to love life in Holland and is mourning the loss of her trip to Italy.
That's exactly how it feels for me. The life I pictured...and so wanted...didn't exactly turn out the way I planned.
I envisioned Italy with all the bright lights and fanciness it holds.
I never wanted to go someplace else, yet here I am anyway. While the boys don't have Down Syndrome, and it a lot of ways are doing very well, I feel like my family has been sent to Holland, too.
And it hurts more than I could ever really express.
I love Holland. Yet I hate it passionately too. LIFE can be hard in Holland.
I wonder how I can hate something that has anything to do with the boys. It makes me feel awful to even say it. What kind of person am I? That--hate--isn't even exactly right, anyway.
This weekend has been rough for me. I am really feeling the challenges we have faced in the past and the ones that still lie in our future.
I suppose I am just jealous of all of you who get to live in Italy.
I tried to force myself out of this funk, but it just isn't happening. I can't even bring myself to write my Sock It to Me post--and that is something that I was looking forward to doing.
I suspect that some of this has to do with a period that is now late (and no, I doubt I am pregnant) which is making me a hormonal mess. It doesn't help that I have the anniversaries of miscarriage number 2 AND my dad's death to get through this month. There's a neurologist appointment for the boys (and you know how I LOVE those appointments), and then there's the due date from my last pregnancy...
Sigh.
March is definitely not my favorite month.
---
It occurs to me that by dwelling on all that I am missing in Italy, I am preventing myself from enjoying Holland. That realization, though, doesn't mean that the sadness instantly disappears. I know I have an issue and just need to deal. But I am a fighter. That fight has gotten me --and us-- to where we are today. I need to figure out how to fight while allowing myself to relax and enjoy.
I also hope you understand that for the most part, I am happy with my life. I love my boys with a fierceness I hadn't known possible before they were a part of my life. Sure, there are things I'd like to improve, don't we all have that?
Posts
11 comments:
Geez I admire you StayLow.
I think that somedays, you are allowed to hate Holland. I mean, I'm sure it's great there with all the clogs and shit ... but sometimes Holland is grey and dreary and the tickertape parade was cancelled and you are left in the rain. And all your arsehole friends are living it up in Italy.
Sending myself to Holland, stat. To give you a shoulder to lean on, a tissue, and an umbrella. A bright pink one, because you live in a household of stinky boys and you need something pink sometimes.
I read your post title, and I instantly knew what you were referring to and a felt such a rush of love for you mate.
Now I am putting on my clogs and doing a tapdance for you.
XOXOXOXOXOXO
Love the metaphor. What a great example.
It helps explain how you can love something so much but wish so hard it was different.
Hope you can find a happy place in Holland.
Lots of {{{hugs}}}. Stacie, we all have days when the reality we live vs the dream we've dreamt can really get to us. That is normal. I've seen enough of you here to know that most of the time you live in Holland joyously. Don't beat yourself up over occasionally lusting for life in Italy.
I, too, have been touched by Kelle's story.
I find "Holland" difficult too.
For me, the challenge is navigating between Italy and Holland gracefully. Both places are great in their own way, but sometimes I wish I could just "stay" in one or the other! :-)
You know? Sometimes I feel like I didn't even get to HOLLAND. I'm somewhere in Siberia. And then I'm jealous of the people in Holland AND in Italy.
It's hard. And you're right, "hate" isn't quite the right word. It's coupled with a lot of guilt for not loving it, but how CAN you fully love it? But how can you NOT love it?
But really. REALLY. Why couldn't we have just gone to Italy, instead?
Big, big, big, big hugs. Sometimes Holland sucks. that's not to say that maybe Italy wouldn't have had sucky parts, too, I suppose.
And yeah.. I feel bad that I feel sad/mad/disappointed at all regarding anything about Robbie, but you know, we're human.
I'm just pulling out of a pretty dark fog I was in for probably a month or 6 weeks. I was just sick of it all.. therapists and fighting to get food into him and doctors and explaining the same shit to the same people over and over and over and over again and and and..
Then I snapped and went OFF on some woman in the Sam's parking lot (she was out of line, but my reaction was *WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY* over the top) and I realized how far I'd spiraled down and have been actively working on trying to be less dark.. but it's still a struggle.
Okay. I'm babbling. I'll shut up now. Just know you're not alone, girl.
I'm so sorry for your losses and the reminders of them-the unfulfilled EDD's.
Please know that your love for your boys comes out in every post.
Sending you love, Stacie, and I am proud of you for your honesty. Your love for your boys is so apparent. I think you are an amazing mother. {{hugs}}
Sometimes living in Holland isn't as bad as it sounds (I actually live IN Holland, like, geographically ;-)), but yeah, the weather in Italy sure is a hell of a lot better!
Not loving everything about your life (or even hating big parts of it) doesn't mean not loving the important people IN it, the ones that matter, the ones that are dear to you. Living in Italy WITHOUT those people would most likely suck more than living in Holland (or even Siberia, right, Cathy?) WITH them...
*hug*
Mijke
When I was fighting with my Mom as a teen she used to tell me. "I love you, but I dont have to like what you are doing."
I think that is like Holland. You may love your boys, but you dont have to like the situation you were put in.
That is natural.
I pray with all my heart that my two children are more like their Dad. I dont want either one to have the Learning Disabilities that I have and I Pray even harder that they dont have the mental illness of depression and anxiety that I have dealt with my entire life.
For me the month of Feb. sucks for me in so many ways. Very similar to your situation. It's been four years since my Mom has past and I hate that. I hate that she isn't here to experience Bugs personality. Or to meet the granddaughter that has her name.
It breaks my heart.
I remember talking to my Mom's priest after my Mom passed. I asked her if it was OK to hate God. She said, Yes. God can handle it. It took me almost three years to go back to church because of my hatred towards Him. So yeah. Be pissed at the universe. You have a right to be and that doesn't mean you love your boys any less.
Hang in there sweetie. remember you love your Boys. You dont have to like the situation your family was put in.
I wish we could all live in Italy sitting around chatting about our "perfect" lives. Even Italy has some dirty, dark areas.
Feel as you do, there is nothing wrong with wanting more or better.
You have a lot to trudge through this month, and I know you'll come out of it all with your head up.
Post a Comment