Not Yet, But Soon Enough

The last week definitely ranks among the crappiest I've had in a long while. I officially miscarried on Saturday, and somehow I can't help but think that losing a pregnancy over Mother's Day weekend is the ultimate middle finger from the universe.

Sigh.

I thought I was managing things as well as could be expected. I was teary, but not overly so, until yesterday. Oh holy hell how I struggled yesterday. Even the tiniest thing was enough to send my emotions in a tailspin of despair. I did everything in my power to keep myself from falling apart (hello, stupid here went to work yesterday), and by mid afternoon the inside of my mouth was chewed to pieces in my attempts to stop the tears from falling. I barely managed to make it through an OB appointment before completely losing it in the car on the way home. But I survived, which I guess is the important part to remember. Thankfully, Is.aac was kind enough to let me just have some time to have a really good ugly cry last night.

I am not okay yet, but I hope I'll get there soon enough with time.

The problem, though, is that this experience has strengthened my desire for another baby. When I didn't think it could happen without medical intervention, I was trying to let the dream go. Now that it has happened, it's definitely renewed all of the feelings I tried to squash. I can feel myself being pulled into thinking, planning, and counting days until I ovulate like some sort of infertility addict. At the same time, the prospect of hoping for lightening to strike again only to be let down month after month tears me up inside.

It makes me wonder why something like this happens. Is it the universe trying to fuck with my head? Was it just for the experience of surprise? Maybe it's a sign to not give up believing? I don't know. I wish I did.

I'm sure it would make things a whole heck of a lot easier in my head.