Friday Night Leftovers

The last couple of days were somewhat better, so I think I am on to something with this whole schedule thing. Yea.

~~~

Ja.son deliberately lied to me yesterday. Twice.

Oh my heart.

I knew he was lying at the time, although I couldn't get him to admit the truth in the moment. (Yes, Sh.awn was there to rat him out, but I would have known he was lying just by how he looked when he said it.) I later got him to confess, and he was remorseful, but still. We have many more discussions about trust in our future.

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My hair is falling out. Sigh. It just isn't right for your hair to fall out without the snugly little baby to come with it.

I'd be out of the first trimester by now. You know, if I was keeping track of things like that.

Also, if I was keeping track of things like that, I'd know I am on cd21 and should start af in a few days. I'd know that I would test positive by now if it was going to happen. I'd also know that I wasn't testing positive. If I was keeping track, that is.

I hate that I want to get another chance at this.

~~~

I think I need to stop thinking now.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

More Work to Do

I am surrounded by newly pregnant people. There are ultrasounds to discuss and plenty of morning sickness to sympathize.

It's tiring.

I knew a whole new can of worms would be opened after all of this. It's one thing to want it but not really expect it. It's quite another to want it and have proof that it could.

With this month's appearance of my period, right on cue I might add, I was shocked at how crushed I felt. I had been holding my breath...hoping, more than I realized actually, that the miracle would happen again.

“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck” (Dalai Lama)

I'm trying to get to the point where I feel like this.

I definitely have a lot more work to do before I'll get there, that's for sure.

What?The?Hell?

I got this in the mail today.

I had an ultrasound on the 8th that showed no growth. Results were faxed to my OB that afternoon.

I miscarried on the 11th.

I had an OB appointment on the 13th, during which we discussed my fabulous Mother's Day weekend full of bleeding and cramping.

Blood work #2 confirmed declining beta.

We were all clear that there was no hope here; yet someone still felt the need to get an authorization for a c-section anyway.

Worse yet, someone felt the need to get an authorization for a tubal ligation while they were at it.

Not only is this a dagger to the heart, but I am beyond angry about the tubal ligation. I never suggested that I wanted to tie my tubes. It was never mentioned because hello! I was busy fucking miscarrying a much wanted miracle pregnancy.

Tell me this is common practice everywhere, so I don't lose my shit all over again.

Never mind.

It's too late. My shit has been lost.

Sometimes Most of the time I hate doctors.

Le Sigh.

The OB finally called me yesterday to tell me the "stat" results of last Monday's beta. Apparently, "stat" means results will be in a week later.

It was 214.

Of course they want me to test again and chase the number back to 0. I go pick up the slip tomorrow or Thursday, depending on if I can make it there after therapy tomorrow.

I took an hpt today. Still positive. Grr. It's light, though, so I am hoping that the next beta will be close enough to zero that I won't have to do another. Hopefully Friday will be enough time to get me there.

I just want it all over.

I want to be able to squash the devil in my head that has begun to chant maybe lightening can strike again...maybe I'll get another positive soon. It can happen. It just did.

That line of thinking is going to lead to nowhere good.

Sigh.