A Strong Person...

I used to be strong. Not physically, but emotionally. I always felt like I could handle anything that came my way. Stressful things never defeated me. I would just think and plan through any obstacles. I was proud of that. It made me feel capable and steady.

Now, I am not strong. I am weak, and each day proves to me over and over again how weak I really am.

Gone is my confidence.

Gone is my ability to overcome obstacles with ease.

Gone is my willingness to tackle what comes my way.

Now, I just want to run and hide. From everything. Everyone. I am tired and beat up and done with it all. I have no strength left.

It isn't pleasant to be in this place, but here I reside.

The time since my last post has been so draining and difficult.

On Monday of last week, my grandfather passed away. He had been ill, so this wasn't totally unexpected, but it hurts all the same. The worst part was that I knew from the second I heard the news that I would not be able to attend his funeral. I am on bed rest. I feel incredibly guilty about it. I realize that no one would ever expect me to jeopardize the safety of the babies to go to the funeral. In fact, I had several family members call me and stress that they didn't want me there. Still, not being able to attend the funeral, hug my grandmother and mother, and just be with the family on an occasion like this was almost too much. I let them down.

Then, on Wednesday, I woke up with the need to go to the restroom. The urge was incredible, and woke me up from a sound sleep. Before I could make it the ten or so steps to the bathroom from the bed, fluid started rushing out of me. I couldn't get it to stop. When I finally reached the toilet, I sat there, with fluid still streaming out, in a complete panic.

I tried to tell myself that it was incontinence. Just one more thing to add to the list of pregnancy issues I have wracked up or something. Shaking and filled with dread, I just sat there waiting for it to stop.

After what seemed like a lifetime, the water gush stopped. I got up to go clean myself up when the second gush started running down my legs. In tears, I made it to the phone to call my husband.

My stomach was lopsided. My right side was squishy and soft. I was so scared because everything was crashing down around me at that very moment. I must have done something to make this happen. I had let the babies down, too.

My husband came home and took me to labor and delivery. We didn't even know where it was. During the walk down the halls of the hospital, I had a third gush of fluid, which filled the pad I was wearing and again started to stream down my legs. It was horrible.

I was admitted to labor and delivery, attached to monitors, and an iv was started. They tested me and found that I was positive for fluid although I wasn't "pooling" fluid (which was good). I was having contractions that I wasn't feeling and was given a shot of terbutaline. Antibiotics were started and I had the steroid shot series to strengthen the babies' lungs. A technician from Dr. Doom's office came to scan the babies. We were told that I had lost fluid for baby A, but it looked like there was still sufficient fluid left.


I was hooked to the monitors for 48 hours straight. My contractions stopped relatively soon after the terb shot thankfully. I was given antibiotics every four hours to prevent the onset of infection, and we waited.

We prayed.

I got that scary speech about the odds if I delivered early. They would most likely survive, but they were at risk for blindness and brain issues. Plus we were told that boys are often weaker and experience more complications than girls.

We continued the waiting and praying.

The thought is that I had a tear in baby A's outer sac which may have healed over to stop the amniotic fluid loss. They did allow me to come back home on Saturday--back to bed rest. However, I continued the heavy duty antibiotics (every four hours) to prevent infection. I still leak something (not sure if it is fluid or urine) all the time, but the babies are looking okay so far. Scary as heck to go through this...

This week's OB appointments (I have been there twice) have discovered another infection, most likely brought on by the heavy antibiotics, and major hemorrhoids (sorry for tmi) to which even the doctor said, "Whoa!" when he saw them. I have been in MAJOR pain all week.

Tomorrow is a visit to Dr. Doom to reevaluate the babies and their fluid levels.

My confidence is gone.

I am weak and scared to death that something else will happen.

A Hard Day

This week has been filled with doctor visits. On Monday, I had a regular OB visit. These visits are pretty boring if you ask me. I go in, pee in a cup, they check my weight and blood pressure, and the doctor comes in to dopplar me. There is no ultrasounds to watch, no cooter cams, no "main event" so to speak. I did get a prescription for yet another UTI. Woohoo. Wild day.

Of course, I had to take a nap after the excursion...getting off of the bed really exhausts me now-a-days!

Yesterday we had another appointment with doctor doom. Again, I was up the night before, unable to sleep. I always worry that this place will give me some other bad news to add to the list. My husband had planned to come home to get me and then go with me to the appointment (like usual). This is kind of an inconvenience for him because he has to back track to our house a little to get me and then go back the same way to get to the doctor doom's. I am not supposed to drive, though, so this is how it has got to be.

It takes him about 20 minutes to get home from his work. It takes us exactly 1/2 hour to get to doctor doom's office when all of the traffic gods are lined up in our favor. I had asked my husband to get home a little earlier than that so I didn't feel so rushed.

(This is the story of my husband's life. He is NEVER early for anything and it drives me crazy. I am the kind of person who likes to have some breathing room before an appointment/event so I leave early. He thinks that if it takes 30 minutes to get to the doctor's appointment, then you should leave your house 30 minutes before the appointment.)

Well, he wasn't home early, and it isn't that I really expected him to be. It would have been nice, but I wasn't really going to complain about it. I called him to see if it was about time for me to start heading outside so we could just leave when he got there. This is the conversation we had...

Me: "Hey. Where are you?"

Him: "I am on ----." (still a good 15 minutes away from our house)

Him: "Shit...."

Me: "What!?"

Me: "The appointment is scheduled for 3:45! What is going on?"

Him: "Nothing. I'll be right there."

Two seconds later, he calls back to say...

Him: "Call your mom and see if she can take you down there. I'll meet you there. We'll never make it on time if I come to get you."

Me: "I can't call my mom. She isn't home. You were supposed to take me so she is off running errands!"

Him: "Well, you'll just have to drive yourself then."

With no other options, I grabbed my keys and took off.

This was the first and only time I've driven in five weeks. The driving itself was no problem, but I was having a lot of trouble breathing. The seats in my car are not comfortable, never have been, and never will be. Plus, it is a manual transmission. So, needless to say, I was getting quite worked up about the whole thing.

And, the traffic gods were not in my favor, of course.

So, I get to the appointment about 15 minutes late. Exhausted. Pissed. Still stressed about the appointment itself. Did I say PISSED?

The funny thing about appointments is that when you are late for yours, you have to wait until they can fit you in. That took a total of one hour. Yes, one hour. I sat for most of the time until the waiting room cleared and I was able to lay on their very uncomfortable couch.

So much for bed rest.

We did get to have our favorite ultrasound technician. That was a plus. She is just really good about walking us through what we see on the screen and she immediately tells us when things look normal or not. That is a tremendous relief.

The boys are doing well. Both are still ahead in growth. They are definitely cramped now, too. Both are 1 lb 14 ozs. Fluid is good. Cervix is holding for the most part. It went down to 1.3mm from the 1.4-1.5mm it was the last time. All in all, things are looking as good as can be expected.

Dr. doom came in and said that he really wants me to get to at least 29 weeks. I think he wants to start 'roiding me then. He doesn't really want to do it before then unless I have some turn for the worst. He said that both babies would most likely live at this point, but the possibility of brain issues or cerebral palsy is increased before that time. He also said that if I do have them early that it isn't anything I did to make it happen. That was nice of him. Again, I guess things are going as well as can be expected at this point.

Then I had to drive home. At 5:45 on a weekday. In southern California. Not fun.

I think I cried the entire way home. I was uncomfortable, tired, and still pissed at my husband.

He took a back road and apparently got home about 10 minutes before me. When I walked in, he was eating chips and watching TV.

Did I say I was PISSED! This did not help matters at all.

I went to bed and cried some more.

Today I am super sore under my ribs and on both sides. And I am still tired. And I am still a little mad. Sigh.

Happy Birthday! **Updated With U/S Photos**

Today is my husband's 35th birthday! Happy day to you!!! I love you!

It has been a little strange to celebrate his day without the usual fanfare. I haven't been able to even go out and buy him a card! I did find some things for him online, and I know that I can make him a card, but it just feels so different this year.

I wanted to pop in for a few moments to update you on doctor doom's visit on Monday. Things are holding steady with the cervix. It measured the same as it did at the visit before so that is good. My cervix still has funneling, but it looks the same also. Baby B has taken to resting his foot in the funnel. Apparently it is just the right size to give him a little extra room.

The babies are on the larger side and are measuring about 10 days ahead of schedule. Baby A is 1lb 10 oz and Baby B is 1lb 12 oz. They are starting to look a little cramped now, too. The doctor suggested that I get my GD test done sooner rather than later just in case this is the cause of their big growth. (Dh was 10lbs at birth and is over 6 ft, while I was 9lbs and am 5'9" so that could be the cause too.) The concern about Baby A's foot was brought up again. They are still unsure whether he has a slightly clubbed foot or not. They keep going back and forth. The doctor did say this time that if it is clubbed, it would be only slightly as far as he could tell. That would mean casting his foot as soon as he's born to correct it. I suppose we can handle that.

Four weeks of bed rest down...four to go for 95% viability. Getting closer!

****Updated with baby pictures***

Baby A:


Baby A trying to block his face:


Baby B chomping on Baby A's nose:


Baby B trying to make off with Baby A's nose:


P.S. I think they look a lot like my side of the family...sorry, honey! Shh! Don't tell him!

I Am All Screwed Up!

Well, that says it all, doesn't it? Actually, it is my sleeping patterns that are all screwed up, not me. It is now 2:19 am and I am wide awake. Sad. This is after almost four weeks of bed rest. What will I be like in four more weeks? I guess I'll be ready for the night time feedings when they happen!

Poor dh has taken to sleeping on the couch because I just can't get to sleep. No sex (thanks to pelvic rest and I.C.) and now no bed. Jeez. Bet he wonders what will be next!

We have a doctor doom visit this afternoon. Maybe that is part of the reason for my inability to sleep. It will be nice to see the babies again (I pray they are well). Still, I have that anxious feeling I always get before we go to him.

Hope the cervix is nice and long. I don't really want to know what happens if it isn't.

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Hey, have you tried the Bionic Assessment Test that is on the right? I have hooked several of my friends on it, so watch out! Something happens when you get to 75% bionic...if you get there before me, tell me what it is!

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Thanks to Gemini Girl for an award! I feel so honored! She also honored two of my favorite reads, Topcat and Role Playing With the Kids, so that leaves me with three people to nominate. Now it is time for me to pass this baby on to some other deserving bloggers out there:



Carey from Uterus X 2: This blog is about Carey and her wife's quest to start a family. First, Steph became pregnant with "The Boy" and now Carey is pregnant with twins! That will make three babies in six months! I am in awe!

Dawn from Nearlydawn...Nearlypregnant...Nearlyoutofsteam!: Dawn just felt her first kicks this week! Congratulations, Dawn!

RC from Confessions of a Rotten Correspondent: RC is nominated frequently for such awards, but she is very deserving of each and every honor bestowed upon her. She is an absolute riot and very insightful! I'm sure you'll love reading her blog just as much as I do.

Day 21 of Bed Rest...

Tomorrow will be week 23. Yay. Both my babies are looking good and my cervix seems to be holding steady due to the cerlage and bed rest. All of these things are pointing to a happy ending with this pregnancy. I couldn't be happier (well I guess I could be happier if I wasn't on the bed rest, but you get my point).

At the start of this confinement, twenty-one days seemed like a lifetime away. I was sure that I would lose my mind. I must admit that I had several dark days in the beginning. I am okay about doing this now and the time seems to have blended together. It doesn't really seem like that long. I wonder if I'll look back at the end of the pregnancy and think the same thing?

But...

I am still struggling with the fairness of it all. Not so much with is it fair that I have to be on bed rest after working so hard to get pregnant in the first place while the rest of the world seems to go on blissfully in their easy pregnancies. No, I am struggling with the fairness of me being on bed rest while my husband is able to go do what he wants. How sad is that?

I still have considerable anger inside toward my husband. It doesn't show up very often and I don't think of it really, but it is there. I know it isn't healthy. I know it hurts our relationship. It is there none the less. We even went to counseling for it. Still there.

I blame my husband for me having to do all of this infertility shit. I blame him for making me wait until I was old and had high fsh and few eggs before he would even think of having kids. I blame him for the shots, the procedures, and maybe even the miscarriages. That "if I was younger I wouldn't be going through this" feeling was/and now is there.

Now I blame him for the bed rest. I can rationalize that it isn't his fault that my cervix is shortening. It isn't his fault that my body is reacting this way to being pregnant. But then I think "Or is it?" and I am back to the "if I was younger I wouldn't be going through this".

I have tried talking to my husband about these feelings and I thought he understood where I am at. I feel like this bed rest thing is a COUPLE issue not just a ME issue. I believe that we both are on bed rest now. That doesn't mean that he shouldn't go to work or do the things that need to be done to keep the house working. I just thought that it should be that he does the essentials and then spends the rest of the time at home.

He, however, has a different perspective. He feels that he is doing all of this extra work now and he needs some time away. So, he went to go to his cousin's football game on Friday and a poker game on Sunday. He spent most of both days out of the house. I am the one on bed rest, not him.

I have a problem with that.

Am I wrong to think that?

I realize he is doing a lot around the house and for me. I do appreciate it very much. I know it isn't easy for him either. But, if the tables were turned, and he was the one on bed rest, I would be there with him as much as possible.

Sigh...only about 12 more weeks of bed rest to go...

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Here are some pictures of the babies and my expanding stomach

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Me at 19 weeks (the week before bed rest):



Me at 22 weeks:



The babies looking at each other. They are elbow to elbow with their foreheads together. You can see the back of one baby's head and his ear (in the center of the picture) and the nose, lips, and chin of the second baby (in the bottom left hand corner of the picture).

Television

I have become a watcher of television. Now, that is not to say that I never watched television before, just that I didn't watch that much of it before now. I have books, which I am looking forward to reading, crossword puzzles, my computer, and other distractions around me, but the television (and computer) wins my attention most of the time. There is something about the mind numbingness of it that is VERY appealing to me right now. No thinking is allowed. Just watching. Maybe laughing. That is it.

Now that I am watching so much television, I am becoming quite the critic. There is definitely a lot of, for lack of a better word, crap out there. I wonder how some of these shows ever made it past an executive at any network. Along with the crap, thankfully, there are some really good things that I have discovered.

Commercial:

My favorite commercial right now is one of the Master.card "priceless" series. It is called "The Robot" and has the three dancing boys in backpacks who are returning to school. The tag line is "finding people who understand you: priceless." Love it! It always brings a smile to my face.

Reality TV Series:

Now this one isn't out yet, but I am awaiting the new show "Kid Nation." I know there has been some controversy about this show already, and I am hoping that this doesn't become some distorted version of Lord of the Flies. Although, after working in a junior high school for ten years, I have seen a lot of the Flies type behavior. It is just the nature of the beast I work with I guess. It has one chance to hook me...

And say what you will about "Survivor", but I am a fan. I am happy that it is starting soon, too!

Sitcom:

I am a fan of "Everybody Loves Raymond", "Scrubs", "I Love Lucy", and the "Simpsons". They make me laugh whenever I see them, even if I have seen the episode a hundred times before!

I have discovered "The New Adventures of Old Christine" this summer and enjoy that show. There is something about Julia Louis-Dreyfus that just makes me laugh. Her reactions were priceless on Seinfeld and continue to be priceless now.

Talk Show:

"Ellen" is da bomb! Enough said.

Cooking Show:

"Everyday Italian" reallllllly hits the pregnancy cravings spot! I'd be in heaven if I could just get her to transport all that yummy food into my living room! :-)

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Okay all of you television watchers out there, which shows are your favorites?

Backgammon and Scrabble

I am officially hooked on two games: Backgammon and Scrabble. I play mostly on the computer, but I do also enjoy beating (I mean playing with) actual humans. After long attempts to recruit my husband and mother, they are now hooked, too. (Or, at least they are being very kind to me and indulging my desires to play.)

I even purchased a Backgammon board game on ebay for only $5.76, the score of the week for me! It should be here today or tomorrow. I am excited.

Such is the life of the bedridden!

I did have an excursion to Dr. Doom yesterday. I think the man was actually chipper! I didn't know how to react, and kept looking at Isaac to see how he was responding to the unusual pep in the doctor's step. Isaac thought it was odd, too.

Anyway, my cervix is holding at the same measurement and the babies are still progressing nicely. Both babies are over a pound now. They were head to head, facing each other. I have the cutest ultrasound picture to post when I get it scanned. They were in exactly the same pose. So sweet!

The verdict is that I am to continue to stay on bed rest and go back in eleven days for the next check. Sigh.