The Results Are In...

The clinic wants 100 at 15dpo.

My level is 99 at 14dpo. (and dude, the hpts were totally making it seem like there was less in there with the lighter than previous year's lines)

I am pregnant, but dang if that number isn't freakishly close to the pregnancy last year. To all of the pregnancies that I lost.

This time will be different.

I am on Lovenox.

Right?

I spoke to the RE. There is no problem with waiting for a repeat draw until Saturday of next week when I return. He said should my levels decrease, the PIO wouldn't hurt me. Besides, I was going to stay on the progesterone longer to prevent starting af anyway.

He did say that my level was "strong" and levels like this are usually indicative of a viable pregnancy. The spotting, because it was brown and sparse, does not concern him at all. He says fifty percent of pregnancies will see some sort of spotting. (IVF pregnancies? All pregnancies?)

Yes, but. This is me we are talking about. When have I ever followed the "norm" and do what ever else does?

I didn't say that, but the thought was there.

Sigh,

So, there it is.

99

A "good" number.

Not what I was hoping for but what is expected at this point.

It still makes me worried.

Stream of Consciousness

Updated to add: So just as I am finishing getting ready, I discovered that I spotted. Brown. Not much. But enough to rattle my already shaky confidence. It's old blood. I know that. It hasn't reappeared yet. It could be implantation. I am on Lovenox. Blah, blah, blah.

Trying to focus on the fact that today's test was darker than yesterdays. The lines are no where near as impressive as the boys' lines, but my beta was nearly 300 at 15dpo. That makes sense to me.

Still. It makes me worried!

---

I am about ready to head out to the clinic for my beta in a bit. My appointment is at 10:30. I have to say that I am very nervous, almost to the point of panicky.

I know it makes no sense on the surface. Let's face it, even I will admit that the test will likely be positive.

The part that makes me sweat and nearly drown with worry is the question of HOW positive it will be.

Each time I take a test I wonder.

Is dark enough?

Will it be enough to make this positive last?

Will it be enough to keep us from another heartbreak?

What will I do if it's not?

The beta level that scares me most is 100. I know 100 is the number that all the clinics will say they want to see your levels at by this dpo.

But you see, all three m/cs had initial betas around 100. One was slightly under 100 at 15dpo, although it was close enough that no one was worried. Another was 104 at 15 dpo. "Perfect," was what the nurse called it at the time. The pregnancy last year was 101 at 14dpo.

For me, 100 equals the kiss of doom.

It has got to be higher than 100 to keep me sane.

Anything less than that will shatter me.

I am afraid that what I see on those pee sticks is not going to bring me that high number I desperately crave.

Sigh.

I will update when the nurse calls.

---

There is also the little issue of being gone for a week and not being able to have the repeat test until next SATURDAY. I will not be taking hpts with me on my trip, either. I am not sure how I will be able to keep myself together for that long. Seriously. (How will I manage?)

I can't see how I will be able to take and store daily hpts and not tip everyone around me off that something is happening. As it is, I am going to have to hide the fact that I am shooting myself up twice a day with PIO and Lovenox. I am not ready for the people in my real life to know yet. I am still too fragile.

This...pregnancy is still too fragile.

The whole event should be interesting.

---

Being gone for a week from the boys is freaking me out.

I am dying about it actually. It would be so easy to just say I can't go for any number of reasons. I am trying to remind myself that I am getting paid my daily rate for the entire week, and we could use the money. It will benefit us for me to take advantage of the opportunity.

I don't want to go.

But.

I feel like a terrible mother, and I hate to admit this. Part of me is looking forward to a break, even if it is to work.

Vlog - My Obsession

Against my better judgement, and without a lick of make-up or cleaned bathroom, here it is...



Today is 13do.

Beta tomorrow.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday - Darker Is Better :-)

***In my delirium, I didn't hit publish last night. Here is last night's post.

11dpo:

11dpo vs. 10dpo (darker = check!):

11dpo 2010 vs 11dpo 2007:

Whoot!

---

I put my Lovenox prescription in today. I'll pick them up tomorrow. My insurance initially denied my 30 day prescription pending authorization from the doctor. Ugh! More insurance issues. I asked the pharmacist how much a 30 day supply would be. Get this. 30 shots are $958.00. F*ck I say and ordered two weeks worth because I am not going to let insurance bull crap be the thing that keeps this from happening for us.

The pharmacist called me back a few minutes later to say that my insurance company covers 14 shots every 23 days for the $30 copay. Only 14 shots is a problem when you take the shots every day. So, We decided that she would call the doctor for the authorization and give me the 14 days now for the copay with the understanding that worst case scenario will be I'll have to pay for 9 shots every 23 days. Best case scenario is that the authorization is approved and I'll get the entire month's prescription for the $30 copay once it is approved. (She swore that I could add the remaining 14 shots once the insurance approved it for no more money this month. We shall see. I have my bets on having to pay about $350 or so out of pocket for shots every 23 days. sigh.)

The important thing to remember is that I'll have my shots and start taking them Thursday.

---

***Added today:

Still not feeling the best, but I am at least functioning. Today's been filled with 2 hours of therapy for the boys (an hour each) and a visit from a sister-in-law. I did test today, but the test looks just like the one last night. (Wonder why? I mean 14 hours is enough time to make it look loads darker, right? Yep. Duh, Stacie.)

Program Interruption

We interrupt the regularly scheduled updates with some sort of intestinal issue. (In other words, I've been sitting on the can all day long.) I don't know if it is something I ate yesterday or stress or that P word thing I might be working on, but I have been seriously not feeling well.

Still, you'd think that while sitting all! day! long! in the bathroom, I would have tested, but...well, it had been a long night and I actually FORGOT to pee on the stupid stick this morning. That isn't exactly true. I remembered about half way through my fmu but was way too tired to stop the flow long enough to open the hpt and hold it there.

I know what you're thinking.

The super insane, crazy peeonastickaholic is slipping.

If nothing else, that ought to tell you just how badly I was feeling this morning.

Is.aac is on my list today, too. When I called him to tell him I AM DYING! COME SAVE ME!!!, he simply said he couldn't get away and hung up the phone.

Dude. Not cool.

I don't know why he didn't believe me. It's not like I've been all dramatic or anything all week long.

Sigh.

I am finally feeling a bit better (hence the updating), so I will see if I have the energy to POS tonight.

If it's any consolation, the boobage is still killing me. That's got to be a good sign, right?

Good grief. I really do have no shame.

Let's Try This Again...

Maybe it was just the box of tests, because there is a big difference between what I took this morning (barely noticeable and way light-so light I couldn't even get the line on a picture) to the test I just took.

You're looking at 10dpo tests from the boys' pregnancy (black lettering) and the test I took a few minutes ago.

I...um...well...oh boy!

Can you see the line this time?

Now this is more like it! It's darker, it's darker! This was after water and with minimal pee. (Sorry for the TMI. Ahem. I apparently have no shame.)

Woooowhoooooo!

Dare I hope?

Mindf*ck

There is still a positive, but it is definitely not any darker.

It isn't any lighter either, exactly.

I am slightly concerned.

Okay maybe more than slightly concerned.

Yesterday's entire test was light. Today's was no better. I am trying to tell myself that it is just a bad box of tests...

...or maybe there was a tiny bit of trigger in my system and then a positive started making the test look darker than it would. Then as the trigger finally left, the hcg sort of leveled out, making the line look the same.

I know, I am crazy.

But.

At 10dpo, well...usually there is no mistaking things by this point for me.

I am trying to focus on the fact that there is still a line.

It's there.

It's still early.

---

I did talk to Is.aac last night. After pantomiming shooting himself in the head (far too many times) he did finally talk to me about what he was feeling.

He said that he has a strong feeling that we'll get pregnant and that is making him a bit freaked out right now. He thinks we'll get a baby out of this one.

Let me just say that Is.aac gets these "feelings". He calls them deja vu experiences. Every so often, he'll come up with something that there is no possible way he could know. He once told me that my mom was going to come into a store we were standing in. I laughed at him because the place we were at was way out of my mom's way, and she was headed to the other side of town. He went so far as to tell me what she'd be wearing. He nailed it. Ten minutes later my mom showed up, totally shocked to see us. He hadn't seen her before that, so there was no way he'd know all the details he knew, but he did anyway. I have loads of stories like that about Is.aac and his feelings. They're kind of freaky, although I have to say that if he tells me he has a "feeling" I tend to listen.

I told him he always says that I'll get pregnant. He just tells me what he thinks I want to hear.

(insert more finger shots to the head here)

He admitted that for the FETs he didn't have the feeling. He wasn't surprised that we didn't see a positive because he just didn't have the same feeling. (Dude. Couldn't you have said something sooner?)

He admitted that he is really worried that we'll find more than one cooking this time, not so much because of the more babies but because of what that would do to me and my body.

Okay, I'll give him that. That would be a concern.

And then he fell asleep. I couldn't for the life of me wake him back up for more info. Ugh.

---

I want to believe him that this will be successful--that this time will bring us a baby.

I think I'd be done ttc at that point.

But I do worry about this cycle not ultimately bringing us a baby. There is a limit to what we can keep funding. My last thoughts before sleep were my mental calculations of what we've spent on ART over the last years.

3 medicated iuis + 5 ivfs + 2.5 FETs all without insurance.

All in the last four years.

It made me sick to my stomach, and I was being conservative. I am sure there is more that I didn't include in my total.

Are you surprised to learn I didn't sleep well? Yeah, me neither.

If this one doesn't work, can I find the money to try again? Should I find the money to try again?

Sigh.

---

As Eden said, the two week wait is such a mindfuck.

Mindfuck indeed.

---

I go in for my estrogen and progesterone check today. Why won't they just do a damn beta and put me out of my misery?!!???!!!?

Update: 6dp4dt No beta. The bastards. Sigh.

E2 = 538 (should be >300)
P4 = 44 (should be >30)

Seriously? My progesterone is only 44? Dude, my boobs are freaking killing me. Glance at them and they ache. And the boys have got bat shit crazy with the rough housing and aim straight for my chest, the sorest place on my entire body, every. single. time. Ouch!

Not cool, especially with a P4 level of "only" 44.

This soreness better mean something good. Otherwise, this is just plain mean. You hear that up there?

Updated again:

Here is what I wrote for the boys' pregnancy at the estrogen/progesterone check at 6dp4dt:

"I went in for my progesterone and estrogen check today. My progesterone level was 34 (above 30 is what they want to see) and my estrogen was 400 (they look for above 150). "All looks good," said nurse Michelle."

Seeing this made me feel better. Oddly enough, I talked to the same nurse today, too...

I'll take it as a sign.