Finding Peace of Mind

I was doing some research online and came across this article by Su.san Je.ffers, Ph.D. (Okay, I'll admit that I was trying to earn more Swag Bucks. I won 22 bucks, so it was worth it. :-) What? You don't look up random key phrases like "ways to look for the good in life" in your free time? Ahem.)

Anyway, the point is that I found this article, and I like what it has to say.

I want to stay "awake." I want continue that feeling I had on the weekend--to embrace the todays and feel good about the tomorrows.

My plan for a while is to take each of the nine strategies Je.ffers suggests and play with it...Explore it...Conquer it...Change my way of thinking...and ultimately rewire this old brain of mine a little bit at a time.

I think I can do this.

I am making this my own little experiment.* When I am done, I hope wonder (look there! I already started using principle number 2!) if this will become a habit. How cool would that be?

Let's begin:

#1. "'Un-set' your heart." Definition: Un-setting your heart means letting go of your picture of how you want it all to be. It means letting go of trying to control things over which you have no control.

Starting with a biggie, huh Je.ffers? It's alright. I can take it.

Je.ffers states that "One of the prime causes of our suffering is our wanting things to be different than they are." I can see how that is the case in my life. Life didn't go as planned, and I clearly didn't get a life that matches the ideals I set for myself. So, it makes sense that the first step to mastering this principle is to figure out what the hell my expectations are.

Part 1: My expectations...

1. ...to have baby making be as easy for us as it seems to be for so many other people.


2. ...to take home my babies straight from the hospital when they are born.


3. ...to have healthy children.


4. ...to be able to play ball with my kids outside.


5. ...to feel connected to and loved by my husband.


6. ...to be blissfully unaware of the bad things life can bring.


7. ...to live normally and have a family like everyone else.


8. ...to be able to do it all--and do it all well.


9. ...to have both my parents enjoy their long awaited grandchildren.


10. ...to not have to fight so damn hard for what seems like everything.


11. ...to have my confidence and not be so afraid of so much around me.

There are many more, I am sure. I might just continue to add them as they come to me over the next several days. These listed are just the ones that immediately popped into my head as I was sitting here writing.

Part 2: Now that I am thinking about the ideals I had created in my head, the next step is to un-set my heart from the reality that I imagined--and can't achieve. That's easier said than done.

I guess I first need to work on realizing that I can and do have now (or the opportunity for) a version of everything I have listed above.

I never really thought about it like that. Um, that is a pretty mind blowing thought right there.

I can and do have a version of everything I have listed above...

Really?

Seriously?

Why hasn't that occurred to me before?

I don't have to drop my expectations, just redefine them to something workable with the life we have now.

Whoa.

Now I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings when I explore this topic further!

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*Anyone else wanna play along? Let me know. Shoot, all I need is a nifty badge and we'd be all set!

Such Is the Way of the Universe

I had been feeling all positive and...dare I say happy? this weekend.

Then, Whammo.

The universe, true to form, has dealt another blow.

Little No.ah passed away this morning.

I am in tears for them.

I need to figure out what I can do for them...



I am back to being shaken and unsure--afraid of the ugly side of life.

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I am home today. It just worked out that way. (I can't imagine holding my shit together in front of 130, 7th and 8th graders.)

Last night my back started hurting and the left side of my uterus is sore, especially if I try to lie on my right side. Not sure if I pulled a muscle or it is something more. This morning I have the intense urge to go to the bathroom only to produce two or three drops. When I get up to leave, I feel like I have to go again immediately. There's no pain or burning.

Good news is after a slow start today, the baby is back to moving and kicking. Whew.

I am going to be safe and not sorry, so I have a call into the OB to get checked out.

I don't need any more whammos.

Updated: Bladder infection. 5 days of antibiotics. If I don't feel better in 2 days, I go back.

I Finally Woke Up

Over the weekend, I woke up.

Not in the "Hey, I woke up this morning and and gee. Look. It is raining outside!" sense of the word. Instead, I finally looked around and felt that huge WTF? sensation.

I woke UP with the clear realization of all we've been through to get here.

IF. 3 IUIs. 3 IVFs. 2 m/cs. The boys! Bed rest. Prematurity. Hydrocephalus. Shunts. A lot of surgeries. Death. Therapies. CP. 3 FETs. 2 more IVFs. Another m/c. Another cerclage...

And now 21 weeks pregnant and praying with all I've got I don't deliver early again--half believing that I may actually make it to term! while torn that I am going to lose everything tomorrow...just because that is how life can be.

Silly, isn't it? I mean, I know everything we went through to get to where we are today. I can list it without missing a beat. You should hear me talk when I discuss our medical histories with a doctor at one of our appointments. Oh, how I know exactly with what we've dealt.

I also knew I already felt the last several years in ways that continue to surprise me.

But I guess I've never really allowed myself to digest the enormity of it all and how these events have changed me.

And changed me they have--in some ways positively. In many ways negatively.

At the time, I am sure not really thinking about what was happening was a good thing. If the momentum that propelled me forward had somehow stalled, there is a good chance that I may never have been able to start myself up again. My tactic during the times I felt sad or fearful or unsure, was to berate myself until I was "over" it. I actually convinced myself that I was incredibly weak to feel like I was feeling then.

I convinced myself that others who experienced these types of events handled things so much better than I ever could. I never allowed myself the option of thinking that I might have been going through a shitstorm that most people never have to endure in their entire lives, much less the idea that others would struggle through it.

That was how it had to be for me to survive. I had to move on to the next thing. There was no other way, and there was certainly no other choice in the matter.

Merely surviving is such a crappy way to live for sure. Yes, it is necessary when we are in the trenches of the major challenges in life. Necessary, but it sucks.

It is sad to me that I was in that place for so long. It is even sadder now that I realize how just surviving has colored the moments of that time.

I have many very vivid memories of our life over the last few years. Of those memories, though, most of them are not of sweet moments like a first smile or some other such milestone of the boys. There are not many of loving moments with Is.aac.

I know those moments happened. I have pictures and videos to prove it! I am even there in the pictures and videos, smiling and happy. I am sure I felt those emotions at the time.

But...

Most of the vivid memories I have from the time are tied to sadness. To overwhelming fear. To shock and horror.

Such an awful realization to have, you know.

It was the kick in the butt I needed to move forward.

Finally.

My boys are three and I've spent a majority of their first years being afraid of the yesterdays...the todays...and especially the surprise of tomorrow.

So I've decided to wake up.

I don't want to be that way any longer.

I don't want to be afraid of what will be.

I want to enjoy the now!

I.

Am.

Ready.

Now I need to work on how to get there--how to find the joy. While I have plenty of experience looking for the other end of the spectrum, I am a little (or a lot) rusty on how to focus on the positives.

To start, I am forgiving myself for the boys' pregnancy, their birth, and what they endured because of their prematurity. (That is not to say I won't slip from time to time. You'll help me during those times?) Each time I have one of those negative thoughts, I will counter it with at least one positive thought about how AWESOME they are now to help remind myself of how lucky we are.

I am releasing myself from the self imposed punishment with the knowledge that I did the best I could at the time through all of those events.

I will find at least one thing to celebrate each and every day. The logistics of how I am going to record that (because I need to have some sort of accountability if I'll stick to this and not slip back to the old habit) is still playing in my mind. Any ideas?

The Mom Competition

From what I can tell, these videos come from this blog. I am not sure if they created the videos orginially or are just the ones to upload them to the Tube.

But, this one cracked me up, too. It does seem that moms are in some sort of eternal competition of who parents best or who has the "best" children. I hate these wars...but I can laugh at them when I see it in action!

Moms of Multiples Are Freaks of Nature

This cracks me up. :-)

I've had some strange conversations in my time...thankfully they are not too bad now that the boys are a bit older and look less and less alike. I wish I would have played it as cool as the woman here, though.

A Lot About Nothing...

• Is.aac just cleaned the kitchen counter and used a gallon and a half of 409. Now I am hiding in the bedroom trying to breathe. Does it really take that much 409 to clean the kitchen? I think not.
• Yes, I know that some of you may hate my guts because my husband is cleaning the kitchen. He is very sweet. I am very lucky. And still a tad annoyed that I can't breathe.
• Ahem.
• I have a half day at work tomorrow. I am ready for it. It always seems when I have a short week at school, all the normal amount of crazy has to fit into a smaller number of days. It. has. been. a. week.
• My boys are working on driving me crazy. Today I had to have both of them sit in time outs a number of times because of their fighting. I thought we had turned that corner and now liked each other. I was wrong.
• I cleaned our bedroom last night. I have decided that we are officially filthy pigs. Yuck. It's just that the bedroom is the one place no one sees but us, so I never seem to get to that room to clean. It definitely showed.
• How come the morning comes so quickly? I swear I lay in bed for just a second and the stupid alarm clock is already waking me up for the next day.
• Apparently the kids are starting to talk about me at work. They "think" I may be pregnant, but they are afraid to ask in case I am just getting fat. ("We don't want to hurt her feelings!") It makes me laugh. I can't wait until one of them actually asks me...heh heh heh.
• We are going to get an artificial Christmas tree this year. I think my allergies have finally dictated that the time has come. My plan is to set it up this weekend. We shall see how that goes. I plan to do that every year, but I am lucky to finally get it up before winter vacation.
• I love it now that I just randomly win Swagbucks. Just won one whole buck while I was typing this post! If you don't use Swagbucks, you should try it. I have earned about $80 worth of Barnes and Noble gift cards this year just for using Swagbucks as my search engine (it is run by google and ask.com, so it gives you the same info). If you're interested, you can sign up here. :-) Seriously, it is totally free! Oh, and last year around New Year's they ran a bunch of special deals so you could earn prizes with less "bucks." I totally scored!
• I have Nelly's "Just a Dream" stuck in my head.
• I have pretty wide range of musical taste. I have favorites in just about every genre from country to rap, but if I had to say the one style I identify with most, I'd have to say heavy metal. I know! Me? It goes back to growing up with two much older brothers.
• I was saddened to hear that a coworker lost her 22 year old son to a drug overdose this last weekend. We just found out yesterday. The funeral is the day after Thanksgiving. My heart hurts for her...she had been through so much to help her son. He had even been clean for 8ish months before this. So heartbreaking.
• Couple that loss with No.ah's battle, and well...it seems there is so much loss all around me now. Makes me want to grab my family and hide in a hole somewhere. (No.ah still continues to fight, but he is weaker and weaker every day. Even on 100% oxygen, he is laboring so much to get each breath. I don't think it will be much longer before his little body gives out.)

A Few Follow Up Questions on the Previous Post

There were a few more questions that came up from yesterday's post. note: I am not a doctor, but I did do a lot of research when I was pregnant with the boys. What I am writing here is my take on what I found out...

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From what I understand, choroid plexus cysts are actually fluid filled pockets of space within the part of the brain, the choroid plexus, that makes cerebrospinal fluid for the brain. They usually appear in the second trimester (most people find them during their 18 week scans) and are often gone by the third trimester. These cysts are found on anywhere from 1-3% of all babies and do not affect the baby's brain's function or the baby's personality.

There is quite the debate over these cysts. For some time, these cysts were associated with a higher than average risk of Trisomy 18 (I think the highest I saw was an increased risk of 1:300, although that was from dated data). But, with no other abnormalities to indicate Trisomy 18, many doctors now believe that the risk of miscarriage from an amnio is higher than the risk of a genetic disease. Often, the only recourse needed is to do a thorough ultrasound to check all major organs, etc. and wait/watch. An amnio would come in to play if the detailed ultrasound showed some other abnormality.

I believe that Dr. Doom was under the old school belief that the risk was elevated for Trisomy 18. Then when he couldn't rule out the clubbed foot problem for one of the babies, and I was nearing the 35 age mark, he pushed the amnios.

Had Is.aac and I been the patients we are today (and more prone to research the hell out of EVERYTHING before we agree to a doctor's suggestion), we would have came home and likely not had the amnios done. Besides, by the time we went back for the next ultrasound, the cysts were gone, so the point would have been a non issue then anyway.

As for the guilt, I don't know why I continue to hold on to that. I guess it is my attempt to have a reason...a cause...something...anything to blame the whole clusterfuck that was that pregnancy. Yes, I know the doctor recommended the amnios. Yes, he did tell us the risks. Yes, he was the one in the know and we do have to trust the doctor's expertise to some extent. But, we ultimately made the decision to do it. I end up blaming myself because...at least there is a reason then.

Do I carry that guilt with me at a conscious level on a day to day basis? No.

Do I wish that everything went a completely different way and I had the voice to say no to that amnio that I wish I had? Yes.

Does the guilt still shows up on occasion to say hello? Yes.

I KNOW that I made the best decisions I could make at the time. I really do.

I KNOW I tried everything in my power to keep those boys in me as long as possible.

My heart still struggles there, though. Sigh.

I suppose it is a way to continue to punish myself for my heart's belief that my body failed.

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There hasn't been any conclusive reason to why my membranes ruptured. There are a couple of possibilities: 1) incompetent cervix in itself runs the risk of premature rupture, 2) the emergent cerclage also had the risk of premature rupture (infection was also a possibility, and we were all sick at the end. Don't know if the infection was there to begin with.), and 3) contractions that I didn't feel (I didn't really ever feel them even at the end before I delivered) that led to the rupture. Like I said, I had to have terb several times over that first day I was in the hospital for the rupture. Whether the rupture or the contractions came first is up in the air.

My OB was equally confused as to why Doom was saying to send me home. It makes me think all over again that he had really written that pregnancy off as unsaveable.

Sadly, I would have went home, too, had the OB not fought to keep me there. Thank goodness for him...he saved the boys with that call. I believe that with all of my heart.

This time, I will have the first course of steroids at 24 weeks as a precaution, with another series later in the pregnancy.

We're pulling out all the stops.

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I have a hard time with the memory of Doom's continued comments on whether the boys were genetically normal. I do think it directly affected how he dealt with my pregnancy the entire time. I strongly believe that he would not have "helped" us had one of the boys been genetically abnormal. Is.aac feels that way, too.

I don't get that feeling from him this time, though...his office hasn't even bothered to call me about the results from the screenings. I have to ask. It's almost like they don't even care what the results are now. (although I am sure that the results are there for them to check before we speak to anyone) It's strange. It doesn't make me trust him any more than I would have otherwise, though.

I feel he is one of those "fair weather friends" who is wonderful as long as all is going well. As soon as a complication starts to brew, I am sure he will be completely different. Sigh.

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Thank you for asking the questions. This really helps me clarify some things in my own mind, too.

The "punishing myself" part was an eye-opener...maybe just realizing that will help me combat those thoughts?