I Finally Woke Up

Over the weekend, I woke up.

Not in the "Hey, I woke up this morning and and gee. Look. It is raining outside!" sense of the word. Instead, I finally looked around and felt that huge WTF? sensation.

I woke UP with the clear realization of all we've been through to get here.

IF. 3 IUIs. 3 IVFs. 2 m/cs. The boys! Bed rest. Prematurity. Hydrocephalus. Shunts. A lot of surgeries. Death. Therapies. CP. 3 FETs. 2 more IVFs. Another m/c. Another cerclage...

And now 21 weeks pregnant and praying with all I've got I don't deliver early again--half believing that I may actually make it to term! while torn that I am going to lose everything tomorrow...just because that is how life can be.

Silly, isn't it? I mean, I know everything we went through to get to where we are today. I can list it without missing a beat. You should hear me talk when I discuss our medical histories with a doctor at one of our appointments. Oh, how I know exactly with what we've dealt.

I also knew I already felt the last several years in ways that continue to surprise me.

But I guess I've never really allowed myself to digest the enormity of it all and how these events have changed me.

And changed me they have--in some ways positively. In many ways negatively.

At the time, I am sure not really thinking about what was happening was a good thing. If the momentum that propelled me forward had somehow stalled, there is a good chance that I may never have been able to start myself up again. My tactic during the times I felt sad or fearful or unsure, was to berate myself until I was "over" it. I actually convinced myself that I was incredibly weak to feel like I was feeling then.

I convinced myself that others who experienced these types of events handled things so much better than I ever could. I never allowed myself the option of thinking that I might have been going through a shitstorm that most people never have to endure in their entire lives, much less the idea that others would struggle through it.

That was how it had to be for me to survive. I had to move on to the next thing. There was no other way, and there was certainly no other choice in the matter.

Merely surviving is such a crappy way to live for sure. Yes, it is necessary when we are in the trenches of the major challenges in life. Necessary, but it sucks.

It is sad to me that I was in that place for so long. It is even sadder now that I realize how just surviving has colored the moments of that time.

I have many very vivid memories of our life over the last few years. Of those memories, though, most of them are not of sweet moments like a first smile or some other such milestone of the boys. There are not many of loving moments with Is.aac.

I know those moments happened. I have pictures and videos to prove it! I am even there in the pictures and videos, smiling and happy. I am sure I felt those emotions at the time.

But...

Most of the vivid memories I have from the time are tied to sadness. To overwhelming fear. To shock and horror.

Such an awful realization to have, you know.

It was the kick in the butt I needed to move forward.

Finally.

My boys are three and I've spent a majority of their first years being afraid of the yesterdays...the todays...and especially the surprise of tomorrow.

So I've decided to wake up.

I don't want to be that way any longer.

I don't want to be afraid of what will be.

I want to enjoy the now!

I.

Am.

Ready.

Now I need to work on how to get there--how to find the joy. While I have plenty of experience looking for the other end of the spectrum, I am a little (or a lot) rusty on how to focus on the positives.

To start, I am forgiving myself for the boys' pregnancy, their birth, and what they endured because of their prematurity. (That is not to say I won't slip from time to time. You'll help me during those times?) Each time I have one of those negative thoughts, I will counter it with at least one positive thought about how AWESOME they are now to help remind myself of how lucky we are.

I am releasing myself from the self imposed punishment with the knowledge that I did the best I could at the time through all of those events.

I will find at least one thing to celebrate each and every day. The logistics of how I am going to record that (because I need to have some sort of accountability if I'll stick to this and not slip back to the old habit) is still playing in my mind. Any ideas?