And I physically jumped every time the phone rang--my heart sinking with the feeling it was them.
They sent a text at about 10:00pm. He is still alive, but fading. She said that Noah was ready--that they were ready. I've been crying ever since.
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It physically hurts me to see them--when they come home from the hospital or even when I see that their car is gone because I know where they must be. I get a familiar pang of sadness when I see their haunted expressions or hear the latest updates on the baby. Ugh. I can literally feel the emotions of our own experience almost as if I am living them right now.
My neighbor's pregnancy and birth/NICU experience has truly sent my PTSD issues into a tailspin. I suppose it was bound to happen, as you can only bury things for so long before they find their way to the surface. Yet, it surprised me that I was having this effect from watching their experience mirror my own.
I also have to admit that I am not prepared for dealing with these feelings. My impulse is to squash them and push them neatly back into the compartment of my brain from which they came.
Oh boy have I tried to squash them.
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If it can happen to my neighbors, who is to say that something won't happen to us? So, I've been second guessing myself today--afraid of all the negative that can/might happen. Because they do happen, even when it isn't fair.
Should we have tried for another baby?
Should I have been more aggressive and pushed a transabdominal cerclage rather than a vaginal cerclage? What if this cerclage isn't enough?
Should I assign myself to bed rest, even if the dr. doom isn't yet worried about my cervix length?
What if my body fails...again?
Are my worries just fear of the "what can happen" or intuition that I am not fully paying attention to? How do I know the difference? How can I truly trust myself anyway?
Sigh.
I recently told someone who was worried about the risk of another pregnancy that "you just take all the precautions you can. As you know, there never is a guarantee. I suppose there is a lot of faith that goes into that part. But, I will admit that having faith that things will work for you is incredibly challenging when you are used to life shitting on your head."
My faith has been shaken. That familiar fear of being shit on yet again is back. It feels today like it is just a matter of time before my world will shatter apart.
Again.
I wonder if this time I'll be strong enough to pick up the pieces.
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As miserable as I've been all day long, it is nothing compared to what my neighbors are living. Oh how I feel for them...
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7 comments:
I am really sorry to hear of your neighbor's loss. My thoughts are with them.
Only thing I can share in how it relates to you? I had a due date buddy who delivered her son stillborn at 36w. I panicked, had many of the same thoughts you did (and I had a very normal pregnancy). So I can understand, just a little, about the panic.
Here's what helped me a little bit. I made it my mantra. Repeated "I have no information to suggest that this will not work out." Because it's true. Thus far the cerclage is working. Your cervix length is fine. Etc.
Take it easy, keep breathing through the panic, and put one foot in front of the other.
Hugs hon.
xoxo
Stacie, I am so sorry you are going through this. And I am especially sorry for your neighbors. I have thought about them often when you first mentioned that their son was not doing well (a few months ago?). Yesterdays news hit me hard. And I have never met them. And one of my twins only spent 2 weeks in the NICU, with a slight breathing problem. Nothing like what you and your neighbor have experienced.
While I do not consider myself a "true" soldier of the NICU, can I give you some assvice on stress, as I am a veteran of war on that front. I have spent a lot of my time trying to bury my anxiety over a myriad of things, but it just seems to catch up with me. I have found that I feel better if I write it down or say it out loud. Everything. Every crazy idea that pops into my head. All the stuff that might seem crazy to other people. All the overwhelming things that just seem to snowball. Then after saying it out loud (or writing it down) I do tend to feel better, at least for the moment, and then have a better time of living in the moment.
There. Here is my large piece of assvice. I wish I could offer something better, both to you and to your neighbors. Know that I am thinking about you all and sending a prayer for baby Noah.
Brenda
It is a terrible, terrible thing that has happened to your neighbors. And their little boy. And it makes sense that it has you worried. But going over all of it in your head gets you nowhere. All of us worriers tend to think that if we noodle through all of this stuff, we will do some good. But it rarely does us any good. And the stress certainly doesn't do us any good. You are taking care of your pregnancy and yourself. Those are the things you can control. You have done it and will continue to do so. Let the rest go. You cannot control the rest. None of us can; and if you try, or worry too much about it, all you will have done is help to ensure that you are stressed out.
Breathing techniques can be incredibly helpful when you are stressed out. They can clear your head and help you get grounded.
Again, it completely makes sense why you are stressed out -- but see if you can't give yourself some peace by asking "is there anything useful I can do about this concern?" If the answer is no, then do your very best to not think about. Keeping busy with something else (like two adorable boys) helps too!
Oh Stacie...that feeling of incipient doom is so very hard to escape. I hope and pray that all goes smoothly for you. And, I pray for peace for your neighbors.
So very unfair!!! My thoughts and prayers are with them and you.
I am so sad for your neighbor and family. How heartbreaking for everyone involved.
Like the others said, you are taking control (as much as you can) of your situation. And that has to be enough. Give yourself permission to live without guilt and worry. (easier said than done) and what the pp said about worry not helping anything - it's true. Put a penny in a jar every time you have a worrying thought and see what happens...
Hugs to you.
Sending you cyber hugs. And your neighbors.
Karen
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