On Blogging

Reading my last several posts might make you wonder about how I am really doing. I am, for the most part, okay. I have my moments of utter fear, but I'd like to think that anyone who has gone through what we went through over the years would feel those feelings too.

Blogging is an interesting experience for me. I don't often sit down at my computer with an idea about which to write. Instead, I sit and let the words sort of pour out of me. Granted that means that what you end up reading is usually unrefined and maybe a bit boring, but it is the true me at that given time.

I use this space as my personal diary. It's a place where I can just let it all out there and not worry about what people may think of me. (If you knew me in real life, you'd know that I am not much of a talker as a listener.) I try not to censor what I write, but I am well aware that this is a public space. I really don't want to outright offend someone if I can not, so I have quite a few posts in my dashboard that I've never published. More often than not though, I make a few tweaks and let the words stand for themselves.

Sometimes, what manages to make its way to my computer screen is a complete surprise. I can get so wrapped up in the day to day living, I don't give myself a chance to really think and reflect about things that I see and hear.

Other times, in the process of writing, a light bulb goes off in my head and I'll suddenly understand why a day was as crappy as it was. I'll finally figure out that I was more hurt by something than I might have realized or that an event has triggered my insecurities and fears.

I think I like it that way. I like that I am learning about me through this space.

I made a mistake last week and inadvertently posted a link to this blog on the public family blog. My niece found this space and sent me a text message about things she could have only learned here. I was panicked.

Actually, I was devastated.

I thought for sure I'd have to do something drastic to keep this space away from the eyes of people I did not want to read it.

In the end, I asked her not to read. She said she'd not, but really there isn't much I can do if she decided to go against that promise.

Once again I'm thinking about why I am so reluctant to allow people in my real life to read this space. Yes, people know about it, but very few read here (that I know of).

I don't think I write about things that would be hurtful to people in real life. Yet, I do think that if many people in real life were reading I'd hold back and not be true to myself.

Plus, I certainly don't want them to think I am a total nut job when they may think I have my shit together. My mind wrestles with the idea that it doesn't really matter if they think I am a total nut job anyway, so who cares?

Oh, I don't know.

The one thing blogging doesn't do for me is give me all the answers. Bummer. It would be really nice if it did.

What it can do, though, is allow me to connect with other people in the world (who are much wiser and more brilliant than I could ever hope to be) who have been there before me. So I ask all of you. If you are an anonymous blogger, why do you blog anonymously? If you blog under your name, do you feel you hold back in what you write? I'd love to read your thoughts on the matter.