I am about ready to head back to the hospital. I spent the day lesson planning, cleaning everything around me (my stress reliever) and spending quality time with Jason. I am dragging my feet here, I know. I want to be there at the hospital for Shawn, but I am having trouble getting myself to the door.

Sigh.

The surgery to remove the shunt went as well as could be expected. The surgeon said that the shunt did indeed look infected--she said it was brown on the inside. They took more fluid to test, but that is coming out negative for the staph bacteria still and we are coming up to 30 hours. We passed the dreaded 26 hour mark with flying colors. Now we wait.

They won't put a shunt back in until his fluid tests clear of the bacteria for 72-96 hours. A lot can happen in that time.

I asked if it was possible that the infection was localized in the shunt still and hadn't really made its way into his system. That sort of explains to me why the bacteria is taking so long to grow out. To draw out the initial fluid for testing, they had to go through the shunt we know was infected. I wanted to know if the shunt could have contaminated the sample they sent for culture. The surgeon agreed it was possible, but I think she was placating me (as I was not in the best of moods) so I don't know how plausible that theory is. I guess if this new sample, taken after the shunt was removed, fails to grow out the staph I will declare myself a genius for figuring the world out and move on. It doesn't do me any good one way or the other if I am right, though. I suppose it is just my way of wrapping my mind around all of this.

I am not good at waiting. I hate it with a passion. It stresses me out more than anything else.

Isaac is with him today. He started eating with earnest once we convinced them to drop the IV fluids down some. The blood and urine cultures came back negative, so we got them to drop one of the "blanket" antibiotics they were giving him just in case. He had a sponge bath today, too.

The smiles are gone, though. He still doesn't feel well. Poor baby.

There is a patient in the next bed who is also dealing with a shunt infection. Interesting isn't it. My question was how are they going to prevent another infection with the new shunt they place later in the week. I didn't get a satisfactory answer. "There's always a risk of infection..." blah, blah, blah. Wouldn't have to worry about it if you would just get it right, you stupid people!

UUUUUUUGGGGG!

I can't get Internet reception at the hospital. I can't use my cell phone in the room with Shawn. I feel disconnected from everything. I feel alone. I feel like the world is out to get us. I don't have confidence in anyone at the hospital, so I feel like I always have to be there paying attention to everything that happens. I can't sleep there. It is impossible to sleep at a hospital when you're a patient, but it is even more difficult when you feel like you can't let anything get by you or something bad might happen. And I get to do it in a space that is about 6 feet by 6 feet and contains a crib, two IV stands, two monitors, and the stupid fold out bed for me. I hate it all. It can make me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

I am going to spend the next several nights at the hospital with Shawn alone so Isaac can come home and go to work. We've used up all of his vacation time and sick leave for stupid hospital visits. He has to work. I have to work. But we need to stay with Shawn, too. (I know that work isn't as important as Shawn is. It's just that we live in California and the bills don't pay for themselves. Plus, we get our insurance through my work, and well, we can't lose that.) He'll come back to the hospital on Wednesday night to stay while I go to work on Thursday and Friday. That is the best we could come up with.

I suppose I have stalled enough. I need to go. I don't want to...sniff, sniff. Jesus, Stacie. Put on your big girl panties and get on with it already.

My baby needs me to be strong. I will be strong. I just don't know how much strength I have left before it becomes too much. And that scares me to death.