A Friend...

A friend of mine sent me an email today.

i am glad you are doing well. i don't know how. it seems your year has been more trying than mine and yet you still give so much hope. i wish i was the same.

This friend is hurting so much, and I so wish I could take away some of her pain. She has been through one hell of a year with what happened at school, and a new baby born just weeks before my boys arrived. As you can imagine, this has put a strain on her marriage.

That line in her email haunts me. "I still give so much hope." I am somewhat ashamed to read that line. She has such a limited view of the feelings I have had throughout these last months. I have purposely kept most of what I have been feeling away from the general public. I haven't even really opened up to anyone, not even Isaac about all of this. I speak, or write, freely here, but how sad that I feel the ability to only expose myself to a sea of anonymous readers.

What my friend has seen has been my alter ego blog about the boys. It is all blue skies and sunshine on that blog. I don't really talk much about my anger or my fear of what may lie ahead for us. She has heard me say the boys are doing well even when we were going through the darkest of days with Shawn. She hasn't heard my fear of what Jason's future may hold.

And in so doing, I have made her feel so alone--like she is somehow not, oh I don't know, good enough to make it through what is going on in her life with the "optimism" I have.

And my optimism has been such a lie!

What does that say about me, this not being able to be the real me to the people in my regular life? Why do I feel like I must sugar coat everything and make everyone else feel better? Why am I not okay enough with myself and my family to just lay everything out there?

I struggle for answers to those questions. I do know that my lack of confidence in myself probably has more influence on me than I ever really admitted before.

My friend is able to talk about her darkest worries and fears. This friend wears her heart on her sleeve. I so admire her for that. I so wish I could be like that. It just seems so much more healthy to me. But, she went on to write...

i haven't wanted to really reach out because it just seems futile and gets more people upset**

Doesn't that break your heart?

I suppose it doesn't really matter which tactic you take, whether that is to bottle it up like me, or put it all out there like her; both can be just as isolating. People don't really want to hear the dark feelings. They want to change the subject to sunshine when the darkness eeks its way into conversations. They like the sunshine instead.

On a whim, I sent her a link to this blog. (and I do hope she is reading these lines right now) I must admit that I almost had a heart attack pasting this address on the reply I sent her. I almost didn't have the courage to hit send. She will be the only one in real life to read these words. I won't have my sunshine to hide behind with her. It scares the shit out of me to know that.

But I hit send anyway. I hope, that if nothing else comes out of this, she'll know that she isn't alone. And more importantly, I love her.

**Yes this friend is seeking professional help from a trauma counselor.