I've had that quote play around in my head from time to time over the years. Sure, I've even said it to myself out loud on the occasions when one or the other of the boys tested my patience. I don't think I ever really believed that I would have an issue with my little fighters. Some days were harder than others, but there was always enough light in the day to make it all okay.
If anything, I was only incredibly PROUD of the fight my boys put forth in their early days. They make my heart swell with pride as I watch them continue to knock down any boundaries or limitations in their paths today.
But now? I think I am starting to understand what she was talking about back then.
That fight that was essential to their survival and growth is now just plain frustrating. OMG is it frustrating. Everything has turned into a battle of wills, most especially when it comes to my sweet, little Sh.awn.*
Oh this boy is tough.
If I want him to do A, he'll refuse and insist on doing B. If I try to hurry him or redirect him or get him to do ANYTHING he didn't think about doing all by his lonesome, things get Ugly. I do mean Ugly.
I am trying very hard to not get sucked into his temper tantrums and frustrations.
I try very hard to stay a step ahead of him and figure out ways to allow us both to get what we want. (Like arranging situations where he thinks something is his idea even though it was really just how I needed it to be. I can thank my junior high experience for helping with this.)
I am trying very hard to be consistent with consequences in regards to discipline. I think I am. (Seriously, if you saw the woman in Tar.get today with her crying child sitting on the edge of the bottom shelf in a time out because he had thrown his glasses yet again, that was me. And why did he throw his glasses--under another customer's cart, mind you? He was pissed when the cart he was riding in did not turn right down the aisle like he insisted. Ahem.)
But dude. There is never a moment's peace.
I am tired.
I love his independence.
I love his determination.
I definitely want him to push--to want for more. I believe it is the single most important thing contributing to his incredible gains. I don't want him to lose this trait that is clearly helping him thrive.
But...
I somehow need to teach him (them) that there are times for fighting and times for not, and I can't quite wrap my mind on how to go about teaching that lesson effectively.
I am hitting the wall.
Is this just a stage that kids go through? That? Will? End?
Hopefully?
Any suggestions on what can help?
*That's not to say that Ja.son is Mr. Angel and never throws a fit. Right now, though, he's quite content to sit back and watch the Sh.awn show. I am hoping that by being consistent with Sh.awn, I am also showing Ja.son the expectations and boundaries that he is expected to follow. Probably, though, he is just biding his time until Sh.awn starts to calm and then he can take over.
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Hear hear Stacey! My darling ex 25 weeker twin girls are also pushing pushing pushing the whole time. It is finally easing a bit at nearly 3 and a half years old but I'm not so sure they are not just regrouping;0).
Yeah, here too. Daniel is the easy child (who'd have thought) and Andrew is ... stubborn.
Like you said, I try to frame the environment to get what I want and make it seem like it's what he wanted. I also use a lot of bribery.
Mostly though? I try to make MYSELF realize when it's not worth the fight - like I'd have turned down the extra aisle to avoid the meltdown. Or at least paused and asked what was down that aisle that he wanted so much.
Boundaries and expectations are important. Consequences to actions are, too. I just try to make sure that I'm not saying "no" to something that doesn't really matter, and that "no" always comes with a reason I can clearly explain on his level, and is more than "because I said so". (Like in the store "we can't go down that aisle because we're running late and Daddy will be worried, but we'll go next time.")
All that said? I sure hope it's a phase. Because duuuuude it's exhausting.
Hahaha, maybe the NICU is to blame for Ava's strong will, too! :D She's "independent" and "strong-willed" as well! LOL
I have no real suggestions....so far we do time out a LOT and even swat on the bottom if it's harmful enough to someone/something else. We take things away. We make her fix things she does. But nothing helps!
Kids are fun?
I think part of the struggle too might be the age. I remember plenty of times that I put eliza.beth in time out at stores for doing something I asked her not too. That poor corner in Ik.ea will never be the same.
She's a lot better now, but seriously 3 is tough...
((HUG))
I think we must have had our dates off with Syd. I'm CERTAIN she was a 26 maybe 23 1/2 weeker. They just got my dates wrong. ;-)
You'll also get sick of saying and hearing the whole...these are qualities that will help them in their future. That is...if we don't beat them down too much before then :)
No, really, I think that it's just very important to try and channel all of that good stuff....and when you figure it out...please let me know.
Wow, it sounds like fun over there! I have no real advice, but I'll lob one over to you anyway. Feel free to discard it at will (my twins are only 17 months old, so we have juuuuussst started with the temper tantrums). Have you tried asking your Early Intervention caseworker (assuming you kids were/or are still doing EI). She was telling me that one of her clients was having a hard time and really acting out. She was about 3, I believe. The EI person was having her work on expressing her feelings in a constructive way. Specifically, by setting up situations in which the little girl did not get what she wanted--something in which she would throw a minor tantrum. Then teaching the little girl to talk to the EI person about it. "What you did made me mad." Now, this girl had a problem with biting, so I am probably comparing apples to oranges. I am just starting to realized how fruitless it can be to "talk" down a child having a temper tantrum. Good luck!
I can tell you that it really only gets harder but the one thing that REALLY WORKS when they are little for making the fits less often is to offer them tons and tons and tons of "stupid choices" as I call them... Let them choose everything that's not a big deal for you ie: brush your teeth or pj's first, play with the crayons or playdoh first, and for sure what they want to wear, I only choose for a special occ. or church, otherwise they get to pick(within reason) otherwise I get out cloths but they can choose between 2 shirts, pants etc.... make sense???
It's always fun to stumble on an old friend's blog during ICLW!
Sending you encouragement and strength for your parenting your Fighter!
Oh no.. does this mean that my sweet, content, easy going Hunter is going to grow into a tantrum-throwing toddler? Hold me. I cannot reconcile that thought with his present personality!!!
When I was pregnant, I was irritable. At that same time, Ella went through a phase much like what you are describing. Eventually, she came out of it..but just when I was getting used to peace, Sophia would hit a stage. They seem to ping back and forth, never hitting at the same time, so that it seems we are constantly in a terrible stage! Not really, I don't mean to sound so negative. But, I do get what you are saying. I told the pediatrician (who has twins) and she said "anytime a household has two kids the same age, there is going to be more chaos than if they were - say, a year apart - because when they are going through a tough stage, they are trying to figure stuff out developmentally and when there is two of them having to do it at the same time, they just get confused b/c it's not like one can role model for the other." DId that make sense. I'm not sure if I quite got that right...Mine are 4-1/2 now, so it's been a bit since we had the 2 and 3 yr old battles.
And it is hard, b/c you want them to keep the spark, the fight, but you don't want it to be the only thing they have. You want them to know HOW to use that attribute without squashing it completely and making it go away. I struggle with that...
Anyway....
Just stay consistent. You are doing a good job, or so it seems to me...and staying consistent is just what he needs right now. Consistency, limits, and follow through on consequences and eventually you'll come out on the other side. BI
I have zero helpful advice, as we are struggling with the same thing. J yells at us if we turn the car in the direction he does not want to go, and refuses to use the potty at home. Doesn't it get better at 3?
I'm ashamed to say that we have been using the "Santa's Watching!" threat and it has actually been working.
What we will do after Christmas I have no idea.
And we have also found that our boys tend to take turns in "misbehaving". Or having particulary defiant stages.
Can't wait to read other people's suggestions. We need help too.
:)
Carrie
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