There's a Jumbled Mess In My Mind

The last few days have been physically and emotionally draining to say the least.

Kidney stones are no fun at all. I think I am finally feeling better. (Oh, please let me be on the upswing.) Let's just leave it at that.

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The service was...very, very hard and affected us both deeply. So much so, that we've only been able to talk about it in very small spurts between the two of us. I don't know how to explain it, but we have agreed that we both felt as if we were living through what our alternate universe very likely was. No.ah was 4 months old. When Sh.awn was struggling so with his surgeries, he was so was 5 months old--incredibly close in size and in age. Too close.

No.ah's mother's pain tears at me. My heart physically hurts for her and will continue to for some time I am sure. I talked to her briefly a few times. She pulled out the journal I had given her right after the boys were born. She carefully showed me a few of her entries...and my heart shattered even more. She said it is her most treasured gift.

She is such a strong person, filled with faith and beauty within. Seeing the testament to her love for her boy on those pages was proof.

I know she doesn't even realize that yet, but oh my goodness she is.

She regularly apologizes to everyone for her tears. Sees them as weakness. If only she could see that they are not weakness. Each one is filled with only strength and love.

I gave her this quote on a sheet of paper the last time I saw her:

'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.” --Washington Irving

I hope can she see the truth in it.

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Ugh. I wish I could figure all of these emotions swirling around in my head. My thoughts are still too jumbled to make any sense of it all.