NIAW - Bust a Myth: A Higher-power Is Telling Me That I Should Not Be a Parent.

Myth: A higher-power is telling you that you should not be a parent.

Is.aac and I have been in the trying to conceive business for a long time now. We've been lucky, and have been blessed with three beautiful boys; however, even with our success, I still have moments when I struggle with the basic idea of this myth. The question of "What if all of this was God's way of telling me I shouldn't be a parent?" has haunted me off and on throughout the entire journey.


We started trying to have children in the spring of 2004. I remember the excitement I had when I finally threw out the last pack of birth control pills. I was 32 and totally ready to embark on this new journey in life.


I figured that having a baby would be just as easy for us as it was for so many others I knew. Only for us, it of course wasn't easy.

"Maybe you're not supposed to have children," said a family member after one of our losses.

"Maybe you're supposed to focus on "parenting" your students and not a child of your own," said a coworker after we'd been trying for nearly two and a half years.

People don't hold back opinions on the topic of baby making, whether you'd like them to or not. I mean, everyone is an expert, right? I think the speakers thought they were being supportive, or at least I hope that was their misguided intention. It didn't fail, though; time and again what was said seemed to radiate around the idea that I was somehow tampering with fate or God's will by moving further and further into treatments. Ultimately, I'd be so much happier if I just followed God's plan. Well, according to them I'd be happier.


At first the thought that maybe I wasn't meant to be a parent never entered my mind. It was easy to ignore what was said and focus on my quest to motherhood. (I have to admit that I vividly remember every hurtful word uttered by loved ones. Each scarred my already wounded heart. I didn't really believe them, exactly, but the damage was done anyway.)


The miscarriages brought some doubt. Am I really doing the right thing?

Then I got pregnant and it stuck.


With twins!


But there were complications, bed rest, cerclages, and prematurity.


There were brain bleeds and surgeries and wondering if my sweet little boys would live.


With all of that drama, the questions came back to haunt me: What if a higher-power was telling me that I shouldn't be a parent? What if because I didn't listen to that simple message I caused all of the problems for my amazing twin boys?


Those words shared as support? as judgement when I didn't want them, were now used for torture and fueled my guilt and self-doubt.

I shouldn't have had kids and now look what I did to them...

It is such an awful but very real thought of mine during that time.

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   The myth Busted:   Infertility isn't a message from God telling those inflicted that they are somehow not worthy to parent. It is, like any other disease, is an incorrectly functioning part of the body--plain and simple.
Those who suffer from infertility deserve to be treated with the latest technology without judgement just like those with any other disease are treated.

You would never consider telling someone with some other disease that "God wants you to suffer," or "God wants you to die." Those words would be unforgivable and so very untrue! By telling someone with infertility that his or her disease is a sign that he/she should not have kids, you are doing the very same thing. It is just cruel and hateful to cause more unwarranted suffering to an already painful situation.

As Resolve states, "Infertility is a disease of the reproductive system.  It does not discriminate and affects all races, religions, men and women equally and people all over the world...Parenthood is attainable, if that is truly your goal.  You may or may not be fortunate enough to have a biological connection to your child, but if you want the experience of being a parent, you can achieve that dream."

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It was that ridiculous myth from above that exacerbated all the turmoil in my life.

I believed them.

I lived them.

Those tiny words held such power over me for such a very long time.

Those of you who have been around a while here know how hard I've worked to deal with the guilt and doubt from the time that surrounds the boys' birth. It truly has been a long, painful process. For the most part, I have put those feelings behind me.

I finally realize that I didn't break the rules when I got pregnant and had children. I may not be overly religious, but I do believe God wasn't telling me not to parent through my infertility journey. If anything, God was showing me what I am made of...that I am stronger than I ever imagined.

It feels good to know I truly deserve parenthood just as much as anyone else.


And maybe I'll even be pretty good at it. :-)

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For more information on infertility go here on Resolve's website.

For more information on Resolve's National Infertility Awareness Week® and the Bust a Myth Movement click here.