My closest friends only know snippets of my life over the last few years. They know the boys, and it is obvious that there are delays, but they don't know everything. For some reason, I can't tell them all of what we went through. I've even tried a few times. I get into a little bit of it and will just stop, unable to finish.
I think the only person who knows the majority of our story is my mom, but I will admit to even omitting details when I speak to her.
The omission of those very important details is bothering me. A lot.
Contrary to what you see on this blog (because really, what haven't I told you), I am a relatively private person. I am a great listener. I am an awesome at commiserating when needed. I will even share select things about myself. The info that I do share, however, is revealed on a need to know basis and is definitely said as a version that is wrapped in a pretty package.
Rarely will I ever admit that I am upset, struggling, or stressed to anyone--that even includes to my husband. (When I said I was stressed over some major junk at work the other day, everyone was very concerned, almost to a point that was comical. That is how seldom I say those words out loud.) To me, it feels that an admission like that implies I can't handle things; it means I am weak, and weakness is something I've learned to avoid at all cost.
So I don't let on how challenging things have been at our house at times.
I don't write about the freak outs I have because Ja.son's neck was sore last night and how I googled the hell out of what that could mean. (Can I just say I am so thankful the boy seems to have pulled a muscle in his neck? No fever. Seems to be better for the most part today. But last night, the thought of meningitis scared me to no end.)
I might say that someone threw up in a casual way, but I never acknowledge that seeing my boys vomit ignites a fear so deep inside me that I can almost no longer think.
I don't discuss my love/hate relationship with therapy, or my fears that I am not doing enough to help my boys, or how stressful things have been to my marriage.
The problem is those omissions are my life.
Now, it is starting to feel these omissions mean I am hiding.
Like I am lying.
What if these omissions are hurting my boys because I am not completely celebrating them in their own uniqueness?
But...
What if these omissions are protecting them, for the time being, from all of the ugliness in the world--from ugliness like I felt the other day?
So I am here struggling with these emotions. I am struggling with whether I should just lay it all out there for the world. I am struggling with whether I should consider what I am doing as protecting my boys from the stupidity of others.
I am struggling with the question of whether there is a middle ground where I can feel comfortable.
Did I mention I hate to struggle?
Um, yeah.
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18 comments:
I think your questioning and the struggle is healthy. Looking at a problem from different angles makes you see the best way to address it. You are a strong woman, but being strong sometimes mean allowing yourself to show weakness.
Lots of love!
I hear you on this one. It's hard to share some stuff, and it gets tiresome.
I hit a point last year when I finally said screw it. I'm tired of trying to sort out who knows what. My kid has hydro and a shunt. His liver is fucked. His digestive system is a mystery and he has a feeding tube that keeps him alive. Can't deal? Get out of my life I have no room for you.
It was really freeing. I recommend it, insomuch as you're comfortable. (I only share facts, not feelings.)
Oh wow, Stace. This is such an exquisite heartfelt post. Straight from your depths.
You say whatever you need to. Everyone must hold back a bit, especially in blogland. Hell even I do sometimes.
But I do find, that getting it out ... getting out the hurt and yuck in me, whether it be through a blog post or a conversation or an email ..... man I feel good. You gotta let some steam outta the pressure cooker.
I usually forget, that you face a few hurdles with your beautiful guys. And then you say something and I'm reminded again, I usually always feel surprised, like WOW. StayLow is going through that.
You've been through so much. You really look inside yourself, you know? It's a wonderful trait to have.
Love you mate XOX
I have a love/hate relationship with therapy too.
So I quit for the summer. The thought of driving to and from 4 days a week was killing me. So far, I am enjoying being a hermit.
:)
Just muddle through. That's all anyone can do.
For a long time, I kept my depression hidden from everyone. My husband, my parents, my best friends. I felt that I would be looked at as trying to gain sympathy or that I wanted people to feel sorry for me. It didn't help my condition at all. It only made it worse. Talking about things helps you realize you are not alone. And you aren't. By admitting what you're going through, you're not admitting defeat or weakness. You shouldn't have to worry and you certainly shouldn't have to do it alone. Furthermore, you aren't lying. You are trying to protect the people in the boys' lives from knowing the ugly truth. But sometimes, the ugly truth needs to be addressed. My advice? Talk to your mom about it. She sounds like a wonderful, supportive woman who won't judge you for the way you feel or the things you are forced to go through.
You are not weak. You are not defeated. You are not paranoid. And you are not alone. Hang in there Stacie. You are a strong woman and this too shall pass.
Even though I am pretty "out of the closet" when it comes to my crappy health and infertility, I sometimes have doubts. I have been unfriended on FB because uber-Catholic childhood friends view all treatments as sinful. My intention is to teach and de-stigmatize, but I doubt that is 100% successful all the time.
I can really relate. Like you, part of it is my personality -- not wanting to admit weakness; knowing that pity from people only makes me feel worse. And the other part of it is optimism and protection of my son. I keep feeling like if we work hard enough, we can get him past these issues. And I don't want him saddled with a label if I don't have to. I feel strongly that when you label a kid with a specific thing, people tend to attribute absolutely everything to that label. The kid never gets to be a kid who is just having a bad day or be a kid who doesn't like sports or just be a two year old. Instead, it is their diagnosis that explains everything.
But of course there are huge costs to not telling people the struggles you go through. It's lonely. Sometimes it can feel like you are hiding. I see some people who embrace labels wholeheartedly and find a wonderful community of friendship and support for themselves and their kids. (I also see people who use a label as a reason to pull away on the parenting. "What can I do? He is disabled." And kids who really suffer under the weight of a label.) Honestly, the right answer undoubtedly depends on what each kid is dealing with, what the parents are dealing with, and what approach is kinder in the long term to all the members of the family. You have to find what is most comfortable. And maybe it has been one way so far; but perhaps it is changing for you?
If these people are in fact your close friends and relatives then no, I don't think they would treat you like the people on the street.
I think that by not telling them isn't like lying, but it would make you seem ashamed of the details. and we all KNOW that's not true. I'm sure that if your family is anything like anyone else's family...they already know the details through gossip.
It may help you to let them know. Get it out. Another outlet of support.
I say...GO FOR IT !
Tell the most chatty Kathy in the group and then it will spread like wild fire and you won't have to say a thing :)
ALSO....mention the feelings that you have about certain reactions to your children and their issues. Get it out there right from the start.
I know what it's like to "be in the closet" with certain people. It's not healthy for me or my kids. Honestly. it's better to be OUT AND PROUD ! ha ha
What if you gradually step out of the closet and if you don't feel like coming completely out, then you can close that door again? Only you know what is most comfortable for you.
I get to the point in my life that I can't hold things in any more because the weight of it all becomes too much.
{{Hugs}} It can be really hard to only tell people half of the story. I did that for years (for other reasons) and I can tell you even though I felt a bit vulnerable and exposed for awhile it feels much better to just be able to tell people the whole truth now. Hope things feel better for you soon.
P.S. I don't know about the other blog but would love to read there too if you will alow it.
*sighs* I wish I had any advice for you. I've learned that sometimes it's easier to keep your trap shut when it comes to that stuff. It's worse to say nothing than to have people look at you like you're freaking insane.
I'm sorry, for what it's worth.
Stacie,
You have to do what's best for you and for the boys. If it helps you share the load and share your troubles with us, then do so. We are here for you.
If it's best to protect them and you and keep quiet, that's fine too. You don't have to struggle with this decision. We accept you no matter what. You are an amazing mom. Clearly amazing. That's all that matters.
I'm sorry that you're struggling.
I think there's a degree of safety in the omissions (definitely from other people) that I can relate to. I tell my closest friends a lot and every further out gets less and less information and I think I do it so that they don't know that side of me or what can hurt me.
That was really rambling compared to your post.
((HUG))
I'm a long time reader, delurking to just say ****hugs***
I don't think there is a right answer to this- but you're doing a great job with them, dont' ever forget it.
It can be so hard to figure out where to draw the line. Good luck {{{Hugs}}}
Hey. It's me. The one who insists that the "whole world know" about Ben. And I think I may have a been a catalyst for this post?
I will admit that I am a big fan of sharing FACTS. Not such a big fan of sharing FEELINGS! A few people in my life get to see SOME of the FEELINGS. My husband, my Mom, and 2 very close friends. That's it. The rest just know the facts.
Just do what you're comfortable with...and it would seem that you are no longer comfortable with being in the closet. There are many ways to get the facts out there. And I would suggest that telling everyone yourself may not be the best way...just too damn hard on you.
I like the "chatty Kathy" idea someone else suggested.
If you need to chat about this, I'm here. Just email me at aboutthesmallstuff at hotmail do com. Or leave a comment on my blog.
Hugs.
Cary
I can really relate to this post. I seem to be an all or nothing kind of talker - I don't really know how to draw the line on what I share and what I don't - and know I will probably end up bawling if I venture too far into feelings instead of facts - so I end up not sharing anything. It's a tough balance.
Hi Stacie, thanks for your really nice comment on my blog. I really hear you on this post. I felt like the entire time I was reporting my boys' hospital stay I was never being really truthful. Because I only told people what I thought they could handle, and alot of time that was a lot less than what the boys were actually going through.
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