I am mostly back to normal energy wise. Finally. The time on bed rest and all of the hospital drama really kicked my butt. The only thing I am struggling with is some weird head rushes/light headedness that I get when I get up from sitting or laying. Not sure what is up with that.

I made my 6 week appointment with the OB. I must say that have enjoyed having my girlie parts to myself for awhile so I am not really looking forward to the appointment. It seemed like everyone was visiting down below while I was trying to get pregnant and during the pregnancy itself. Everyone but Isaac was getting lucky. IVF cycles tend to put a crimp in the actual love life. Plus, we were on TOTAL pelvic rest for the entire pregnancy with an exception of about four weeks. Anyway, Isaac is excited to get an all clear so he can't wait! :-) I have to admit that I'll enjoy the all clear, too!

I am now eight pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself. I lost all that I gained from the babies by the first week after delivery. The rest was all of the extra I put on while on the fertility meds. I am a little loose in the belly still, especially right above my incision so I need to tone up a little more. People seem surprised when I tell them that I just had twins.

I have spent the day cleaning my garage. It is still a mess from when we remodeled our kitchen--ourselves. I got pregnant before all of it was finished, so there is still stuff to do: finish tiling the back splash (mostly done, it just needs the pieces around the window), grouting, installing the trim around the new cabinets, and painting the inside of the window. I would love to have it finished before the babies come home. I think I can do it, but I need to get going on it.

Of course, don't get me started on the fact that I have concrete floors right now or that I haven't finished the babies' room...

So much to do and so little time...

Let's Be Positive Today...

We finally got ahold of THE doctor yesterday. Say Amen for small miracles! Well, she was one of the doctors we were trying to get ahold of. Anyway, I got a good feeling from her. She seems to be pro-baby and not as much "let's do all the procedures we can".

The goal is to try to get the babies in tomorrow for their reservoirs. While the babies are not symptomatic yet, the doctor doesn't want to wait until they are symptomatic to act. (I agree with this.) Apparently, though, the evasive neurosurgeons are putting the boys at the end of their patient list because they don't have symptoms. The catch twenty-two. The doctor we spoke with was trying to work on that problem.

She also said that they would let the babies tell them what to do next. For once, she actually said that we want the bleeds to resolve themselves without further intervention. (the doctors at the other hospital had said that all along) If the babies can't resolve the bleeds, then they would proceed to shunting.

She also said that they don't like to shunt babies this little so after the reservoirs are placed, she would have no problem with them returning to our local hospital. I almost fainted at that! And I could have kissed her.

That has made sense to me all along. If they are only going to observe them and tend to their daily needs, I didn't understand why it had to be there and not at our local hospital. Especially after they place the reservoirs. I was under the impression when they were moved that they would tap their ventricles and then return them to our hospital anyway. Finally someone understands that.

Something to feel positive about, right? I am taking whatever I can get now.

More exciting news is that Sh.awn tried his first bottle today. The nurse said he looked like he was ready to try nippling, so she gave him 5ccs in a bottle. He apparently wasn't ready for all of the hard work and didn't enjoy it. No worries, he'll get more practice! I sooo wish I was there. Hopefully, we'll try it again when I am there.

Weights continue to rise: Sh.awn is 4lbs 5ozs while Ja.son is 4lbs 13ozs.

All in all, today is a good day!

So Sweet...

Our first family picture...



The boys together...

It is a good thing that my tears don't compromise my strength because tonight has been a night full of them.

We finally got to see a doctor. Not the doctor we wanted to see, but a doctor with some information. My mind is still reeling from what she said. It was so surreal to watch her mouth move and know that what she was saying was so important. I just couldn't process it all. Or so I thought. I really had been listening to her. I knew what she was saying. I just didn't want to hear it.

While she said she wasn't part of the "team" for the babies, she had "heard" that we wanted to talk to a doctor. (Wonder what gave her that idea? Suppose it was the MANY calls all day or the I want to talk to a doctor speech we gave when we got there?) Both boys have hydrocephalus. The neurosurgeon (who we have yet to talk to) has decided that they will have a reservoir put into their heads so they don't have to have needles inserted repeatedly in their heads to relieve the pressure. Then, when they get to 2 kilos (which they both are already so she must be wrong with this number) they will put in shunts.

Shunts. That scary word. It gives me chills.

She gives us all this second hand info and proceeds to take her two little med school flunkies (sorry to those of you in the medical field--I am just not in a good place right now) a few feet away and talks about the other babies in the room. "So and so has had this happen...I would not try that anymore, it is useless. Go to (insert something awful) and then do (insert something even worse). You guys should be there when they do that. It is a fascinating procedure." Blah, blah, blah.

They weren't that far from us. I could hear it all. And it broke my heart to know that they talked about my babies that way, too.

I just started crying and couldn't stop.

I cried all the way home and still cry when I think about it. The guilt is back big time. If only...

I want to talk to the neurosurgeon.

I want all of this to go away and for the babies to be healthy.

What if they aren't? What if they have permanent damage because I failed them? What if, what if...

The evening had started off so well, too. I got to hold both babies at the same time. It was heaven. They were so comfortable there together. Then the nurses put little Santa hats and Christmas socks on them and took our first family picture. It was so nice...

and then back to reality at a hospital I hate with doctors that I am beginning to hate even more.

I feel like I have a split personality going.

I have two blogs. There is this one, where I feel comfortable posting thoughts and feelings about almost anything. Mostly. It is anonymous for the most part and not read by family or friends in real life. Is.aac doesn't even read it unless I show him a particular post I want him to see. Then there is the babies' blog, where I post updates and pictures of the boys. That is read by family and friends.

I haven't said anything to family outside of my mom about the boys' bleeds. I don't know why, but I just don't want anyone in the family to know. Maybe I am trying to protect them. Maybe I am trying to protect myself. All I know is that I don't want them to know about all of this.

That makes for some interesting blogging and question dodging. Because no one knows about the bleeds, no one knows about the new hospital. If they knew, they would want to know why they were there. Then there are questions about when they can come visit the babies. Well, I don't know! (Is.aac has not felt comfortable letting people except my mom in to see the babies. We were fortunate, though, that the babies' beds were by a window that could open to allow people outside the NICU to see just our babies without them coming inside.)

On this blog I can just let things go into the universe--positive and negative. I can talk about fears and doubts. On the babies' blog, I have been trying to keep things upbeat and positive. I only write about the good things that are going on with the babies.

Am I making things more difficult for myself this way? Maybe. Probably. Sigh.

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We are not going to the hospital until after Is.aac gets home from work. The NICU is closed from 6:30-7:30 for the shift change. The thought is that we are going to try to meet the night shift right after it starts. Not sure how that will work out.

We've been on the phone all day, trying to get ahold of a doctor there. Any doctor. The only one available is that second year (doesn't she ever leave) and we don't really want to talk to her again. She doesn't know much so we just end up frustrated. This is ridiculous.

Supposedly one will be available at 2:30. Why am I not holding my breath that he'll talk to us?

The first neurosurgeon we talked to is supposed to be there tonight...wanna make a bet about whether or not we get to talk to him?

Nothing new to report so far. We left for the hospital this morning at 9:30 am (to avoid the traffic), hoping to see the doctors during rounds. The neurosurgeon was also supposed to be there at around the same time. The only doctor we got to talk to was this very young second year. And we had talked to her the night the babies were admitted. She couldn't tell us much more than they were stable. Very helpful. We waited until 4:30 for the neurosurgeon before someone got ahold of someone to find out that he wasn't sure when or if he was coming today. Sigh. This was definitely another case of hurry up to wait...

On a good note, we got to hold both babies for quite some time. They are soooo sweet! I still have to resist the urge to grab them and make a run for it.

Weights are up too: Jason is 4lbs 9ozs and Shawn is 4lbs 1oz.

And I got Shawn's umbilical cord. He finally lost it last night. Not sure what I am going to do with it exactly, but I just had to have it!

Today just kept getting worse by the hour.

The NICU doctor called the house pretty early today to say that he wanted to have the babies transported to another hospital--an hour and a half away (without traffic). Both babies' head circumferences were growing at a rate faster than what the doctors wanted to see. Both were diagnosed with hydrocephalus, which apparently isn't uncommon in babies with brain bleeds. There are no pediatric neurosurgeons in my county, so we had to go to where one was.

They were taken one at a time via ambulance to the new hospital. Sh.awn went first because he had more swelling than Ja.son. I held him for about forty-five minutes before they loaded him into his little travel incubator and whisked him away.

I wasn't allowed on the ambulance with Sh.awn. I could follow behind them in my car, but Is.aac wasn't home (wouldn't you know it) and I didn't want to leave Ja.son behind.

So I stayed with Ja.son for an hour and a half until Is.aac got there. I kissed Ja.son goodbye and we took off to the new hospital.

Talk about culture shock. I like my "old" NICU so much better. The nurses and doctors all seemed to be efficient and nice, but the place just seems so cold. Plus, we were wanded with a metal detector at the entrance and there was a security guard at the entrance to the NICU wing. Scary.

After what seemed like forever, Ja.son arrived at the new hospital, too. We had to wait another eternity for the pediatric neurosurgeon to show up. He said the boys would have ventricular taps in the morning. (This is like a spinal tap, only they go through the soft spot on the babies' heads and pull fluid directly out of the ventricles in their brains.) I pray that this relieves the pressure and stops the swelling.

Now I don't know how long the babies will have to stay at the new hospital. I am not sure I can take it if they have to stay there from here on out...

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My milk is officially dried up. I have been pumping ten times a day and taking fenugreek since Tuesday, and I have 7 ml to show for it. Total. All together. Combined. I decided to stop pumping today. I can't describe how emotional it makes me to think about it. And to think I didn't even want to have anything to do with breast milk while I was pregnant.

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I started my period today, too.

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Today just sucked. There is no other way to put it. S.U.C.K.E.D.

****Updated to add that the ventricular tap was a no go today (Sunday). They will be evaluated again tomorrow (Monday) morning. That is great news that they are not as bad as the first doctors thought. Plus, every extra day gives them the chance to start clearing up their bleeds on their own without intervention. That would be the best case scenario.