Updated at bottom--

At least once a day, I come on here to update the blog. And then I reread my last post. And then I can't update.

The whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. They are charging my student as an adult--murder 1, use of a fire arm to commit a crime, and a hate crime special circumstance. He has been 14 for three weeks and 1 day. At 14, you can be tried as an adult. If he was 13, he would be unable to think as an adult. Three weeks later, he is. I am struggling with that. He is looking at life. I struggle with that even more.

My sweet, always polite, and incredibly funny student is looking at life in prison.

I think about him off and on throughout the day. Was there something that I missed? Was he a ticking time bomb ready to go off while I had him?

I think the answer is no. Whatever happened to him occurred this school year.

The story is starting to be pieced together from bits of information we get from students and teachers. All of it is sad. The saddest part is that the other students knew something might happen and NO ONE said anything to an adult at school. One of our counselors had talked to the victim just minutes before he was shot (and she was just a few feet away from all of this when it occurred), and he said nothing about whatever was going on between him and the shooter. A different counselor had talked to the shooter a few days before (because of a schedule change he had just got) and he said nothing about an issue with the victim.

I read what the newspapers say and hear what is aired on the television, and it all slants toward the suspect being a horrible kid. They call him a bully and say he was full of hate for the victim. I feel bad when I want to defend him. He did, afterall, kill someone. Apparently planned that he was going to do it, too. How can I defend someone who does that?

And then I remember him as my student. And I remember how totally out of character this action was for him. We are all shocked by him choosing to do this. I want to go see him (although I do realize that isn't wise at this point). A big part of me wants to tell him that I don't think he is a bad person--he is a person who made a horrible decision, did a horrible act, but he isn't a horrible person. But is that possible?**

And I ask why? Why would he throw his life away like this? Do I really want to know the answer to that? I guess I don't really. What difference would it make? The victim would still be dead. My student would still be going to prison for murder. My school would still be known as an unsafe place. The wonderful teachers at the school would still be questioning everything they have done this year and all they will do for the remainder. Everyone is hurting. Knowing why he did this won't take that pain away from anyone.

Sigh.

Thank you for sticking with me while I sort all of this out in my head. I am using this blog to work through all of this.

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I haven't written about the boys here for the past few days because I don't really want to connect them to this topic. It somehow makes me feel dirty to do so. I did put some cute pictures up on the other blog if you would like to pop over for an update there. Just remember that the people in real life don't know about this blog, and I definitely want to keep it that way.

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**Strangely, we had read a novel, Whirli.gig, in his class that dealt with the issue of whether something you do makes you a bad person. He enjoyed the story, and the class had some rather lively discussions about that theme. I remember that this student was very involved in the discussions--his perceptions were spot on.

Update--
They consider this a hate crime because the victim was gay and exploring the idea of being transgender. He was coming to school dressed in dresses, make-up, and jewelry**** (you can imagine what that did to a junior high campus. anything out of the idea of "normal" is difficult for 12-14 year olds to deal with. this kid had a bulls eye on his back from the moment he walked onto the campus in a dress. Is it right? No. Does it show a lack of tollerance on the students' part. Yes. Does this make it a hate crime? I am not so sure.) That being said, it has also been said that the victim had a crush on the suspect, and went around telling other students that the suspect was bisexual and liked the victim. (apparently the suspect wasn't the only student he had said this about) The Rain.bow Co.alition became involved when they had heard that the victim was bullied for being different (whether that was from the suspect or just the general school population was unclear), and then the hate crime charge was added at about the same time.

****I am also struggling with the whole idea of the administration allowing this student to dress outside of the dress code and wear the clothing described above. He even wore stilletto shoes! And we have uniforms at my school! I am all for personal expression and I have absolutely no problem with transgender issues and sexual orientation. But, I do know that the school cannot require a student to wear a uniform, although they can prevent a student from wearing clothing that would detract from the learning environment. This student was clearly a distraction because of what he chose to wear to school. And let's face it, we DON'T let the girls wear stillettos, so why would they let this kid? Would the victim being in a uniform have made a difference? Probably not, but maybe.

And, I often have students who are just discovering their sexual orientation in junior high school, so this is not a unique issue at the school--junior high is the time for those hormones to come alive. I offer my support to students and make sure that my classroom is a safe place to be.

And lastly, I personally think that the main cause of this incident is that the victim was telling others that the suspect was bisexual and liked the victim back. Why the suspect wasn't able to ignore the talk is the question.