The boys are 10 weeks old today. Wow. My babies are getting so big, but I still feel a little like an observer in their world. Who am I kidding? I feel like a part time parent--like a fake.* I know they are mine, and I love them with a fierceness I couldn't imagine before having them, but it just won't feel real that I have two babies until they are home.
On that note, things are really starting to happen here now. I walked into the hospital yesterday to find that Jason was taken off of his oxygen! I had no idea this was coming, and it took me by complete surprise.
I just kept telling him how proud I was of him over and over...and it felt so good...I can't do justice to the feeling with mere words...the closest I can get is "wonderful". It felt wonderful!
Homecoming is in the air. It is so close I can almost taste it. The doctor hasn't said anything about a date yet (and I must admit that I am afraid to ask point blank for some reason), but it is near. For Jason, at least.
Shawn is still having difficulties with nippling. He can go to town on the pacifier, but when we get to the bottle, he does NOT like it at all. He manages to get through about a third of a bottle before he just gags and spits it out. It's hard to not be discouraged.
The boys are also now considered the big bruisers of the NICU. Both are now over 7 1/2 pounds. They no longer fit in their preemie clothes and have been wearing size 1 diapers for quite a while now.
I tell myself that I am not really missing much but watching the boys sleep, poop, and eat.
You're not buying it either, right?
Sigh. I am riding a roller coaster of emotions all of the time. I'm tired and so ready to get off. Still, I am in a much better place than I was a few weeks back. Thankfully. That place was scary. This place, not so much.
Next weekend my SIL is throwing us a baby shower for all of the family. Isaac's family is quite large, so I know there will be a lot of people there. I am excited and nervous about it at the same time. I am still not used to crowds and noise, which is strange for me because it is always so loud in my normal** world. Plus, I don't really like to be the center of attention very much. It makes me anxious to have people looking at me.
The girls at work threw me a small shower before Christmas, but it didn't go well. I was late (got lost getting there), so by the time I arrived, everyone was totally toasted. I think they had finished off a bottle of tequila and three bottles of champagne in under an hour and a half. It got a little loud and rowdy--and freaked me out. I know they meant well, and we did get some really cute things, but umm...it wasn't exactly how I had pictured it. And now I am more than a little shower shy.
* I went to register at BRU today and got the same reaction I get everywhere else I go. It makes me sad...
It starts with a surprised look which ends with, "Are you pregnant?" (insert a tone that drips with sarcasm)
"No," I say, "I just had twins."
Then I get a once over glance before their eyes settle back on my face. "Really?" (again with that sarcastic tone)
"Yeah. They are in the hospital now. I delivered at 28 weeks." I manage before I look away. (why do I always look away?)
"Oh." the person will utter before changing the subject.
I always leave these encounters with that "I am a fake" feeling. I know it doesn't sound like it is a big deal. It is to me, and I hate it.
**What is normal now anyway? Is this hospital stuff normal for me? It is almost starting to feel that way. My life as I knew it seems so far away that I am not even sure I can call it normal anymore.
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Congrats to K. She just found out she is expecting her second set of twins! I am so excited for her. She is an amazing mom, and her little ones are very lucky!
The 2007 Creme de la Creme is up and running. As Mel, from Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, puts it, "Other prizes honour only a small handful of blogs. Forget that! We've expanded the idea of presenting "the best" to include a post from every blog in the infertility/pregnancy loss/adoption world." I have been working my way through the list of over 120 posts and have loved every minute of it. Go check it out!
And lastly, my sincerest condolences go to Our Own Creation. Her twins, Zoe and Lennox, were born at 24 weeks. Zoe is holding her own, but sadly, Lennox passed away on Saturday at two days old. Please send your prayers to her and her husband as they deal with what lies ahead.
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1 day ago
6 comments:
Rather than you feeling "fake" at BRU I think those clerks need slapping. Next time someone asks you if you're pregnant in that tone of voice you need a good snappy comeback that will shut them up. I'll work on that!
Seriously, this is not 1950. There are surrogates, adoptions and more, in addition to your situation. If you're going to work at a place like that you need to be sensitive to all the options.
Humph.
You are going to walk in one day and they will be in carseats and waiting to go home :) How exciting.
I know EXACTLY what you mean about showers. It's like the stuff is for the babies, not you...but you are the one in the middle of it all with all eyes planted on every facial, and reaction. UGH ! and you get a little sick of sighing and saying...oh my gosh this is so cute...over and over and OVER AGAIN !
In the end though...it's nice. You will totally score and your boys need the stuff. Good luck on diapers. I hope everyone brings a case of them !
Thanks for the shout out.
How terribly sad for Our Own Creation. It makes you want to kiss your kids again and again.
Just tell yourself that you look fabulous after having twins--so fab that no one else can believe it ;) And you do--you look terrific!
As for the NICU fake parent feeling--it will feel much more normal after everyone is home and you guys are in a routine. DH and I had a big discussion when we were in that boat about how we didn't even feel we were real parents. Esp. after you left the NICU--the house seemed so lonely and it seemed as though a party of me was always somewhere else. Now, 3 months after they came home, we can't believe that they were ever anywhere but home.
I know what you mean by that fake feeling- I mean no one should dare ask you questions anyway (What i you were an adoptove mom?) but it's just a feeling you have with no belly or no babies. my baby is not yet here but I do feel like I know where you're coming from. You dont have the belly to register with. You just don't feel like a 'normal' pregnant woman or a 'normal' mom whose babies are home or with her 24 hours a day. But let me tell you something....you are the most REAL mom there is. You have dealt with more than any other 'normal' mom has. Your babies need you more than anyone else and you are there and have been there- and look how well they are doing because of your love and your momminess (is that a word?) :)
You may feel fake or jipped, but you are more real than anyone. You have done an amazing job and it is so evident in how far these lil men have come. And wait until homecoming!!!!! OMG I can;t imagine how exciting and emotional that day will be for all of you!
Sweetie--I could have written some of the first part of the post. I had the same thoughts when the twins were in the NICU. But you are the parent. Not a fake. I hope they come home soon.
I registered online at BRU- you didnt need to go into the store! I know the looks too. I got it everytime I told people that I had twins and they werent home yet.
A week after my girls were born I went to a children's store to buy them some preemie clothes. I asked the salesperson if they had a preemie section. She looked at me (still thinking I was pregnant- since I looked it) and said "Dont go having no preemies". I answered "That's a little late- I have two preemies in the hospital".
And about the baby shower- you know I just had mine a few weeks ago as well. It's strange to have a baby shower when your babies are already born and in the hospital- but people are so sweet and go out of their way to make you feel good. I cleaned up at my baby shower- so enjoy!
I understand the part time parent feeling. Those of us who have been NICU parents know the feeling. You feel as though you are in limbo. As though you cant start your new life yet. Stacie, I promise you that they will be home soon and the NICU days will be a distant memory. YOu have many, many sleepless nights ahead of you. You will be running to see if your boys are breathing in their cribs every 5 seconds- Like I do! If you need advice on baby items- let me know!
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