You're probably wondering about Shawn. I really have no idea when they'll release Shawn. The only hurdle he has is his bottle feedings. It is a struggle to get him to eat by bottle, and he fusses a lot of the time, especially in the beginning. He will take it, and he wants it, but you must have patience and persistence to get him to finish. I attribute this difficulty to acid reflux. When he eats, a little of the formula and stomach acid slips back up into his esophagus. It burns, and it is painful--hence the fussing.

The problem is that the nurses don't always have the time (or patience) to work Shawn through his entire bottle. Once he starts to fuss, the nurses tend to go for his feeding tube to gavage the rest of his food. So, on paper, Shawn doesn't finish a lot of his bottles. He can (and does when Isaac and I are there to feed him), but he doesn't because when he starts to fuss, they give up on him. It is a vicious cycle. (I do want to say that not all of the nurses are like this, but there are enough of them.)

I have talked to the doctor about this issue, and he doesn't think that his acid reflux is any worse than that of other babies. I beg to differ, but I can't seem to get them to agree. There is medication to help Shawn deal with this, but again, the doctors are leery of giving it to him.

I finally got them to remove Shawn's feeding tube late yesterday. I am hoping that this will end the temptation to give up while the nurses are feeding him. I don't want to jinx anything, but Isaac had a good night with him last night (with only minor fussing), so maybe things are resolving themselves slowly but surely. There is a catch, though. When Shawn bottles his entire feeding, he burns more calories. This translates into weight loss. He lost an ounce last night. This wasn't unexpected, but he definitely can't come home if he continues to lose weight. And for someone (me) who never had to give calories a second thought, all of this calorie/weight stuff is challenging (and depressing). Sigh.

They placed Jason's IV line in his head. Thankfully, they didn't shave his head before they put the IV in, which would have made me blow a gasket. He doesn't have that much hair to begin with and he already is bald on the back of his head from his surgery, so shaving his head would have killed me. I do have to say that it is odd to see him with the IV there. He doesn't seem to mind, so I guess that is all that matters. It does tether him back to the IV pole, which is sad. We had just got him disconnected from the major monitor only to add that. It will be extremely nice to hold the babies without a bunch of wires connected to them!

Isaac pushed the doctor into doing the same tests on Shawn that were done on Jason. Hopefully they won't find anything, but if they do, we want to get it treated now and not wait until he is ready to go home. Neither Isaac or I want to go through the same situation with Shawn that we went through with Jason. You better bet that the next time they say I can take one of the boys home, there will be a baby in the car before they know what hit them.

I am still not in a good place, but I am doing what needs to be done. It isn't like I can't. Somehow, we all have to find a way to go forward and get things done, even when we would rather dig a hole and bury ourselves in it. The light is at the end of the tunnel (although I swear it is on a major dimmer switch right now), so I am trying to focus on that and not on my misery at the moment. Ten days. I can do ten days. Now we are at 9 days. See things are already a little better than they were yesterday. (believe that?)

My resilience is almost at its end, though. I am finding it harder and harder to pick myself up to move on to the next hurdle. There have just been so many without any breaks. It has gone on for so long. I am tired.

I also have to admit that it is VERY hard for me to go to the hospital, and I have to resist the urge to turn around at every corner. But once I am there, it is usually okay. Hard, but okay. I have never been especially fond of hospitals in the first place. My experiences while I was there didn't help matters much. Add to that all of the mess at the other hospital and the delays and setbacks we get from this one, and it equals some pretty strong emotions. Again, I am trying to push that stuff to the side for now and focus on getting the boys home. To say it has been rough is the understatement of the year.

Thank you for listening to me vent about all of this stuff. I realize that it must be hard to read. I have been negative and fearful, but you stayed by me. Your kindness and support have got me through many tough days and nights, and for that I will be forever grateful.

I can't wait to be complaining about the sweetness of sleepless nights and spit-up. I can't wait to post pictures of my beautiful babies at home, smiling at the camera. I can't wait for it. I know it will come. It will. It is just hard to remember that sometimes. Thanks again for sticking with me, hopefully until I can do all of this stuff and more.

Hmm...with the two blogs combined, this is my 200th post. At my 100th post, I was dealing with the other hospital. Now with the 200th post, I am dealing with a delay to the boys' homecoming. I sure hope the 300th post brings much brighter news!