I feel like I am drowning--I can't seem to get enough air. I can't take much more before I break. Who am I kidding? I am already broken.

My world keeps crumbling away.

He died a little before 1 am. At about that time, I was in the hospital with Shawn, pleading for God to help him, pleading for this to work for him. I was angry. I was screaming in my head that this was so unfair and that I couldn't take it.

Little did I know.

I am so sad that my dad only got to see Shawn sick. He is a different baby already. He isn't smiling yet, but the hint is there. It will come.

But my dad won't see that.

There is still a chance that Shawn will develop more scar tissue and block the holes that were created to help his shunt work. I pray that it doesn't happen and that I get to keep my little boy as he is. I couldn't bare to lose him again. I can't lose someone else.

My mom is struggling. My brothers are struggling. I feel like I am left holding the bag. I have had to do it all so far, and it looks like I will have to continue to make arrangements and settle his estate with little help from them. I understand my mom. They had been married since she was 17. He was all she knew. She is heart broken. I know she will find her way through this at some point, but now she is over come with grief. But my older brothers? I just can't understand why they get to grieve without contributing. Why does everything always seem to fall into my lap?

I haven't been able to really cry. A few tears have managed to escape, especially when I see my mom in tears, but the really big cry that has to happen is nowhere in sight. I suppose it will come when I get the chance to step back a little. I don't see that happening for some time to come.

I am so angry. Why is this happening to the people I love? Why would God do this, especially now. That saying that we only get what we can handle...is crap. I can't handle any of this. I don't want to handle any of this.

I have to anyway.

And it sucks.