Well, it is official. I am losing it big time. Not in the general, bouncing off the wall, padded room sense. I am losing it with the boys.
I have been literally paralyzed with fear four times today. Each time has driven me into a fit of hysterical tears and panic. Every one of the four times had something to do with the boys.
It started when we found out that we would not get results from the CT scans today. The thought of having to wait the entire weekend and not know what is going on with them was more than I could take. Try as I might to not hear warning bells every time I do ANYTHING with the boys, they are there. I am constantly questioning everything from what they look like to what and how they eat. Is his head a fraction of a centimeter bigger than it was the last time I look at him? Did his eyes just slide to the left (this was what Shawn started to do before one of his surgeries)? Is he crying because he is sick? It is exhausting and scary and sapping all the joy from my time with them.
The last one happened because Shawn spit up again today. I don't even want to get into my reaction from that, although it seems that he is only spitting up when I feed him. Hmmm...maybe I make him tense, too.
I finally had to leave the boys with Isaac and go lay down. I slept for a few hours, but still woke up feeling exhausted.
Isaac says I am not sleeping. Apparently I wake him up whimpering several times a night. I did it again during my nap this afternoon. I do have to say that I am dreaming about brain dissection (what the insurance authorization called Shawn's last procedure) and medical examiner's tables. I am sure that couldn't be very restful for even the toughest of people.
And let's face it, tough, I am not.
It is scaring me. It scares me to see the way Isaac has started to look at me when I have a melt down. How I am acting is so outside of my "normal" self that neither one of us knows what to do about it. Surely this will stop once things settle down some, right?
Anyone else go through anything like this? This is all from stress, right? I am not going crazy, am I?
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1 day ago
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oh stacie- I would def feel like everything that you are doing is normal. Your dad just died, your son just had surgery. You have the right to break down. But only by breaking down, can you come back up again. You have a right to grieve- even though you are supermom.
It's not uncommon for NICU/preemie moms to have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You've been dealing with so much lately and losing your dad could have been the thing to tip the scales.
Unfortunately, it's not something I know a lot about, so I can't make any great suggestions or point you in any specific direction, other than to suggest that it might be time to talk to someone. I wish there was more I could do. I'm sure there are excellent resources out there if you just look. Maybe your OB or the nurses/docs at the NICU could suggest someone who has expertise in this area.
Just a thought. I hope things turn around for you soon, even if it's just a little bit. Hang in there.
Oh sweetie.. I don't think you are going crazy. You have SO much on your plate to think and to worry about.
All I have is a suggestions which doesn't help much, but I will throw it out there.. because I care. I have never been where you are.. but maybe talking to a counselor a couple of times a week would help. Sometimes, talking about the stress gets the noise out of your head and you can let it go and maybe sleep better. Maybe I am full of shit. I don't know.
I am just concerned about you and your stress level and want to see you feel more like you. I wish I was closer to come help you out some....
Hugs to you and the boys...
I think you are going through so much and it's too much at once. You should be enjoying your little boys... I'm sorry for all you are going through. I hope you will get good results and can at least enjoy your boys while you grieve for you dad. Sending Hugs.
You sound too normal.
I think you will have shell shock for a while. Maybe even after the results come back normal.
Why wouldn't you ? Thus far the things in question have all resulted in problems. Your eyes, ears and thoughts are on OVER DRIVE.
You don't want to relax too much because you are afraid if you do you'll miss something.
As they get bigger and start hitting milestones....I'm sure that a lot of your fears will be put to rest...but I don't think as a mother you ever "relax". I'm CONSTANTLY on edge and in question of the things that I'm faced with, and I haven't had to deal with any of these life changing issues that you have had to.
Trust yourself. Trust that those AMAZING maternal instincts that you have had will kick in when they need to. Believe that there is happiness for your family and then try and enjoy it again.
If you lose sight of that....look at those beautiful smiles.
I've been out of the blog loop this past week...just had a few moments to check in on you. Crap... what a week you are having. I am so sorry about your Dad.
Hang in there... big hugs to you & your family during these tough, tough times.
I can't diagnose you but does it feel to you like you are dealing with post traumatic stress syndrom? I can tell you that I absolutely dealt with that after my mom's sudden and unexpected death. She died of a heart attack in her sleep and after her death I would wake up going through what felt like a heart attack each and every night for weeks/months before I got help. It was in fact,panic attacks and high anxiety.
You've had many stressors with your boys graduating from being preemies, surgeries and now the death of your dad. Keep talking about things, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Enjoy your boys right now and soak up all the unconditional love you can from them. That and some help from my doctor got me through some very rough times in the past few months.
I'm here for you if you ever want to talk, I don't think you are going crazy at all!
Jennifer
mom to 25 6/7 week girl twins (who are almost 6.5 years old now!) and an 8 year old son
email.... ingmankidsmomATgmail.com
replace the AT with the @ symbol.
hugs and prayers to you!
stacie, you are NOT going crazy. you are going through an EXTREMELY stressful time and anyone in your shoes would have a similar reaction. i hope you are able to get some peaceful sleep because i think it will make a world of difference. you are such a good mommy and you love your family so much. sending you big hugs.
No, you are not going crazy. You are under stress I can't even imagine. I think after a while it won't be as bad. It would have helped considerably if you'd had reassuring news about Shawn and Jason. You are their mother, every little thing does matter and until they can tell you what's wrong (if anything) you have been conditioned to expect the worse, unfortunately. I think you are completely normal; it is your circumstances that are crazy, for lack of a better word.
If Isaac is getting up with the boys at night and you aren't sleeping well, try a Tylenol PM. I find they really help. I saw a piece on 60 Minutes recently about sleep deprivation that discussed lack of deep sleep and how it affects us. If that doesn't help, talk to your doctor about something that could help you get good sleep. I think you are still under a lot of stress, so it won't work magic, just help you get more productive rest.
Stacie-
This is definately ALL from stress and lack of good sleep. NO, you are not going crazy. Yes, I have sort of experienced something similar to what you are going through. Your body needs good sleep and a break from the babies-try to do whatever possible to get both. You are in my thoughts and prayers........
When I had my 4 freaked out days after Jim was born I was doing the dreaming thing... I was waking Bo up saying crazy things about the baby.
I was also totally irrational about a lot of things. I went so far as to try to protect the baby from my hubby and my Mom. No idea why, I just did.
I think being super-stressed leads us to do things outside of normal, for sure.
Stacie! You are reacting in the most normal way.
You have been to hell and back and no one would expect you to be handling things well.
My advice to you, and I REALLY hopt you take it, is to talk to your doc and ask for lexapro. Just do it. Your anxiety level is through the roof and there is no reason for you to just deal with it. Just get some help. Unfortunately lexapro takes a good 4 weeks to really get into your system and for you to start feeling better so in the mean time you could take some ativan (sp?).
Also, before bed take melatonin. it's a natural sleep aid that your body is supposed to produce. Even if you're not having a problem falling asleep the melatonin can help you get in a deeper sleep and may be able to supress your nightmares. But it doesn't drug you out at all so if you need to get up with the boys in the middle of the night you can.
I started at 10mg of lexapro last august and in february upped it to 15. It has made a HUGE difference and I haven't had to take an ativan for a spot anxiety attack.
Yes, you are reacting to MAJOR stresses in your life but you are also post partum. My kids were 5 months last august when I out of nowhere became suicidal. I found out later that around 4, 5, 6 months PP your body has a major hormonal surge so that could be what is going on with you of course on top of all your dealing with.
Please talk to your doctor, don't be afraid to sugar coat things to him/her because then they won't treat you immediately like you need to be. The sooner you get on it the sooner you will feel better.
UGH, I wish I could help you out.
You can even call the on call doc at your ob's office tomorrow. I don't think I'd wait til monday if I were you. They know all about PPD and if you stress to them how bad off you are they will call something in for you (ativan) for now.
Keep us posted as usual. HUGS!!!
Yes this normal. No, you won't be like this forever. It is from stress, Stacie .... most likely the biggest, mountainous pile of stress you are ever likely to encounter, all at once. Look at the year you're had already, and it's only April.
You will be ok. You ARE ok. I actually think you are more stronger than what you think you think you are.
Over my years with Dave, (Mr TC), I have had numerous, messy meltdowns in front of him. I'm sure there will be a few more. It freaks him out. But hey - shit happens. I always feel renewed after .... eventually. It's better then pretending everything is fine.
Be gentle on yourself, lovely one.
xoxo
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