I won't comment much about the service itself, because it isn't my story to tell, other than to say that Heather, Mike, and their families are truly inspiring people. The service itself was beautiful, and the love that they have for their wonderful little girl is evident by the celebration of her life I witnessed today.
But, while I was there, amid my tears (oh boy, were there tears), I started to get very, very angry. At first, I couldn't pinpoint the exact reason behind the bubbling rage I was feeling. It wasn't directed at anything before me; there was nothing but love in the church today. Until it hit me that all of this was just incredibly unfair.
I am angry at the unfairness in this world. Children should not get sick; children most certainly shouldn't die!
I am angry because as little as a year ago, it very well could have been me sitting in Heather's place.
I am angry because at that time I thought that it WAS going to be me sitting in the front pew of a church at any moment.
I am angry because there came a point during the very dark days when I expected my son to die.
And these thoughts, which I had tried to bury deep in the recesses of my mind, hit me with full force today.
Afterward, I felt guilty, as if having these feelings somehow took away from the celebration before me in that church--because the people who could have and probably should have felt the anger and rage didn't seem to. Instead they choose to focus on the gifts their daughter brought to them rather than be angry that she was taken from them much too soon. What a beautiful way to live, to focus on the gifts.
With that realization, another small chunk of the past fell away. Another piece of the pain and heartache I carry from those days lifted. My wounded heart healed a little bit more. Another paradigm shift happened for me in that church. Focus on the gifts I have in my life...
I'm getting there, I think. I will get to the point where these feelings are released completely.
If Maddie's parents can do it, then surely I will be able to do it, too.
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7 comments:
Stacie,
Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I have hurt pushed down deep inside of me as well. When those feelings come to the serface it is trully hard. But it is part of the healing process. Your feelings are nothing to feel guilty about. It is hurt and pain that you had pushed down deep inside you making its way out so you can heal. You will get there and you are getting there. ((Super Hug)) It is hard to focus on the gifts and not the pain. You can do it!! I am praying for you :)
Jennifer
absolutely beautiful written.
My Mom taught me that we are all here on this earth for a reason. No one but God knows when it's our time. Some people are here for years and years and grow old, others return to Heaven sooner then we can comprehend.
But the reason they are taken from us is because their purpose in our lives have been met. We may not understand this and rage against the injustice of it, but their fate was destined before birth.
I can't begin to fathom what Maddie's purpose in life was because I am not personally close to the family, but if you look at the big picture she brought such awareness to March of Dimes. And if you look at you, Stacie, She taught you to let the past fears and anger go and to focus on the gifts you have today.
I'm glad you were able to attend. I was thinking about Maddie and her family all day yesterday. My heart aches for them.
That is a huge step to take. {{{Hugs}}}
A very tough day for all involved.
Life is unfair and children should always be protected.
How fun that you and Maya were able to meet. I too wish it were for different reasons.
Maybe next time it will be.
I'm so glad your past seems to be falling away and that you are able to work through these fears and memories.
Such great things came from one little girls life. She was even able to help you.
Oh Stacie! What a beautiful post. I'm so sorry you felt anger, but I am relieved you were able to heal. I can't wrap my mind around Maddie's death or Thalon's. I just can't.
The service sounds so peaceful. Her parents sound amazing. I hope I am as strong as they some day. Just so I can live my life being a strong woman.
that was a difficult day for me. i wish we met for diff reasons. we must celebrate maddie's life.
*what did you expect my voice to be like? :) *
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