Thursday, May 31, 2007

Peace People!



As promised, here is my ultrasound photo. I think it is so funny that they are directly across from each other. The negative space behind them sort of makes a peace sign, too. Too cool!

We have dubbed the babies "Lucy and Ethel" so we don't have to call them A and B. We realize that these are both girls' names, but I like the way it sounds so that is what we are going to call them.

My husband took my first belly shot last night. I still have quite the bloat from all of the IVF stuff (or maybe it's all that food?), so I don't know if it is from the meds or the babies exactly. Surely something that is only 7-9mm couldn't make me that big, right? Even if it is times two? It should be interesting to see how I grow as I get further along. Wow. That sounds so strange as I write it. All this is still a little surreal...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Twice As Nice!

WooHoo! We're having twins! Those two fluttering heartbeats are the most beautiful thing I have seen in a really long time. Both heartbeats are strong and look healthy. The funny thing is that the sacs are across from each other with one on each side of my uterus, and they are like a little mirror image of each other. It was like they planned it that way! I'll post the picture tomorrow. The RE said they measured just where they should and all looked good in there.

I had secretly hoped for twins (well, maybe not so secretly), but I didn't really think it would happen. I am in complete and total shock! And I am totally in love...

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

TTC History

TTC History:


  • 12/29/10 - Consult with RE. Plan for laparoscopy and hysteroscopy as soon as possible. Now in the big wait until that is finished. (You can check out the whole conversation here.)

  • 1/26/10 - Fucking universe. BFN.

  • 12/27/09 - FET #2 begins. Started del.estrogen and waiting for transfer on 1/14/10. The universe better behave this time.

  • 11/24/09 - Sit out cycle because estrogen was too high to begin del.estrogen. Had three monitoring appointments to try to "chase the numbers down" but ultimately we decided to cancel the cycle.

  • 10/13/00 - FET #1 take 2. Transferred two beautiful blasts. Negative. WTF?

  • 9/20/09 - Begin FET #1. FET cancelled on 9/28 because I ovulated while on del.estrogen. Lucky me.

  • 8/9/09 - Second ultrasound shows no heartbeat at 7w2d. Take misoprostol to force miscarry. Had the week from hell. Finally miscarried 8/14/09.

  • 8/6/09 - No heartbeat. 30% chance of viability. Recheck on 8/9/09. Not feeling good about this. :-(
  • Sh.awn has another shunt revision. Spotting begins. No cramping. Told not to worry, spotting is normal...

  • 7/17/09 BFP!

  • 7/8/09 - Transferred 2 grade A blasts

  • 7/3/09 - Retrieved 11 eggs! 100% Fertilization. Whoot!

  • 06/09 - Start stims for IVF #4

  • Feb.-Mar. 09 - Plan to revisit the RE. Sigh.

  • 1/09 - Sh.awn needs a revision to his hernia surgery. Back to the hospital for him.

  • 08/08 - Began actively trying for #3. Of course, we haven't been on birth control at all since the boys were born.

  • 3/08 - 5/08 - Sh.awn has a series of 8 surgeries and 1 major infection over an 8 week period. "The very dark days" is what this time is referred to around here. 3/28/08 - My father passed away as a result of a car accident.

  • 2/3/08 - Ja.son comes home after 100 days in the NICU. Finally together after the longest weeks of our lives.

  • 1/25/08 - Sh.awn comes home after 90 days in the NICU. Ja.son in NICU receiving antibiotics for infection (found the day he was supposed to have been discharged).

  • 11/07 - My cruel body decides it doesn't want to allow me to pump for the babies, and for added shits and giggles, let's give her a period again. After all, it has been exactly 4 weeks since she gave birth. She must be ready. Ha!

  • 10/27/07 - Sh.awn and Ja.son are born at 28 weeks 3 days gestation.

  • 10/07 - Twin A (Ja.son) ruptured at 26 weeks. Placed on antibiotics.

  • 8/07 - Placed on bed rest at 20 weeks due to shortened cervix (1.2 cm). Seems those contractions may not have been BH after all.

  • 7/07 - Had amnios done. Two healthy babies! Both boys. Cervix measured 4.0+cm. Started having what was deemed BH contractions (never confirmed by ultrasound)

  • 5/07 - Repeat blood work shows that Protein S levels are low normal. Remain on blood thinners anyway.

  • 5/07 - It's twins! EDD is 1/16/08.

  • 4/07 - IVF #3. 10 eggs retrieved. 8 fertilize. Transfer 6 (yes, I know. Crazy.) BFP!!!!

  • 3/07 - Blood work shows compound MTHFR and Protein S deficiency. Will need to be on blood thinners during pregnancy, starting at positive test.

  • 3/07 - MC #2 at 5.5 weeks.

  • 2/07 - IVF #2. 8 eggs retrieved. 6 fertilize. Transfer 4. BFP!!!!

  • 1/07 - MC at 5.5 weeks.

  • 12/06 - IVF #1. 6 eggs retrieved. All fertilize!!! Transfer 2 and have 1 frosty. BFP!!!

  • 11/06 - Cysts. Sit out cycle.

  • 10/06 - Injectible IUI. 5 follies. Lining even better. BFN

  • 9/06 - 2 cysts. Sit month out.

  • 8/06 - Injectible IUI. 4 follies. Lining good. BFN

  • 7/06 - Clomid IUI. Thin lining. 3 follies. BFN

  • 7/06 - Went to RE. Had day 3 blood work done. FSH is 13. WTF?

  • 4/06 - Repeat sperm analysis showed infection cleared. Sperm count is so-so.

  • 2/06 - Sperm analysis shows a high white blood cell count. Went on antibiotics.

  • 12/05 - New OB. Went for HSG and blood work. All seemed fine.

  • 10/05 - Went to OB. Told to "relax" (yes, by a doctor-beotch) and give it a few more months.

  • 11/04 - Finally talked husband into giving this ttc stuff a shot. Stopped BCPs. Thought for sure we'd get pregnant right away. HA!

  • 08/02 - We got married!

  • 06/89 - Started dating my husband. We had just finished our junior year in high school.

Monday, May 28, 2007

2 More Days and Other Thoughts

Two more days until the ultrasound. I am getting anxious. I have a kind of nervous energy that doesn't entirely go away no matter how much I try to distract myself. It leaves me to do a lot of thinking...and that isn't always a good thing!

I've never been a big eater. I'll eat when I am hungry, but I have never really thought about food as anything more than something I need to eat to survive. Lately, though, I can't get enough of it. I can be eating and still be hungry thinking about my next meal. It's crazy. Today I have had 2 bananas, 1 avocado (it was there so I thought why not?), 4 carrots, 2 BLT sandwiches, an instant breakfast in a glass of whole milk (whole milk is the way to go now), a half a loaf of banana nut bread--well probably closer to a full loaf now, 2 containers of yogurt, and dh is off getting me a western bacon cheeseburger and fries. I feel like I am always eating! So not like me.

I think there is a conspiracy here at my house. Not only does my husband continue to snore most nights, but my cat has taken it up too. That is pretty darn sad, isn't it? I can't get away from it! Now, admittedly, good ole dh snores quite a bit louder than the cat, but still.

Dh has been occupied lately with a bee problem we have discovered. It looks like we have a hive in our chimney. Call the exterminator, I suggest. No, we'll just smoke them out, he replies. Well, five fires and three days later, I found yet another bee in the house. He still won't admit defeat, but I do have him close to calling someone. Maybe tomorrow will be the day. Who knows?

I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow. I haven't quite gotten over my cold and my head feels best when it's on a pillow. Plus, I try not to eat in front of the kids, so it is going to be interesting trying to get all the food in while the kids are there. The good news is that I have only 18 more days until the end of school. Woohoo! I can't wait for summer!

Saturday, May 26, 2007

4 Days To Go

Four days left until the big ultrasound. I can't wait until I get to see that heartbeat. I pray all is well in here and we'll have a heartbeat or two to see. I am still petrified that something could go wrong and I'll miscarry again.

I have had a horrible head cold/sinus infection this week. It started with a headache and rapidly moved to congestion and sore throat. I was afraid to take anything, so I didn't...just suffered through it and slept a lot. I can finally swallow without pain today. You don't think I hurt the little one(s) because I was sick do you? (It's just another thing to worry about now.)

Eight Things That I Am

I've been thinking about what I could write here about myself. I found this post really hard for some reason. I read on another blog (I can't remember whose) that someone had combined the I Am and the 8 Things About Me posts, so I am going to try to do both at the same time. Here it goes...

1) I Am picky and eat only one food at a time. It drives my husband crazy, but I will eat all of something on my plate before I move to the next item. I have done it ever since I was a little girl. Every now and then I catch dh doing it, too, now. HEE HEE...

2) I Am happy with the same thing for lunch every day.

3) I Am a HUGE I Love Lucy fan. My husband will turn it to the show and let me see the screen for a couple of seconds. He'll quiz me on which show it was, and I am usually right. I think I identify with her relationship with Ricky (she's white and he's Hispanic).

4) I Am very interested in meteorology. In fact, if I wasn't a teacher I would love to be a weather person. It might even be something I pursue after I retire. Who knows? People turn to me when they want to know what the weather will be at any given time.

5) I Am the first of all my friends to learn to drive (including dh). It wasn't that I was the oldest, it was just that I was the most motivated one at that point. Plus, my mom told me she wasn't going to take me anyplace anymore so I had to learn. I taught them all how to drive a stick shift in my red little Mazda while we were in high school.

6) I Am one of the few Californians who doesn't like the beach. I live less than five minutes away, and I can count how often I have been there over the last ten years on one hand! (It's too cold!)

7) I Am a jacket hoarder. Some people buy lots of shoes or accessories. Me, I buy jackets. Funny thing is that I rarely wear them once I get them. I tend to stick to a few favorites and leave the others in my closet.

8) I Am very afraid of spiders. My brothers used to torture me with them when I was a kid. My brain understands that they can't hurt me and that I am bigger than they are. I still can't be anywhere near one without freaking. Brothers are so fun sometimes.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Plugging Along

The sleep thing is not getting any better, but I have found that if I can stay up just a little later at night, I can sleep in until it starts to get light out in the morning. That makes me feel better. It just seems wrong to be that awake when it's dark outside. 6:00am has been my rising hour for the past two days. I'll wake up several times before that, but now I am able to go back to sleep after a little while (and a quick pee). While it isn't ideal, I can handle that time.

A new problem I have recently discovered is my husband's snoring. OMG that man can wake the dead. I guess I haven't really noticed it before, but now it is all I can think about while lying there next to him. It has created some tension on my end, and I must admit that I have some not very nice thoughts while listening to him. This morning I even contemplated how long it would take for a pillow over his head to shut him up! (Hormones, right?)

You might wonder why I don't just tell him to stop his snoring. Tried. Impossible. I will shove him over (I am beyond the nice pat on the shoulder to get him to stop) and he will stop snoring. I then try to fall back asleep as soon as possible so I don't hear him when he starts up again. He always beats me. Before too long, I am back to the pillow fantasies! Today I invested in some breathe right strips for his nose. Hope that helps some.

I am having a few symptoms now:

- sore bbs every now and then

- feel a little "yucky" after dinner and for the rest of the night. I don't feel any sickness in the mornings or during the day, and I haven't thrown-up.

- having strange pains in my groin and abdomen. I don't know how to explain them, because they don't really hurt and they're not really cramps. Maybe it is like an ache. From what I've read, it is too early for round ligament pains, so I have no idea what they are. They last for a few minutes and then stop.

- hunger is VERY intense. When I am hungry, I must eat right that minute. I get kind of light headed if I don't eat fast enough.

- sleep problems

- I fluctuate between constipation or diarrhea. Presently, I am back to the constipation.

- and I have a sore butt. While I realize this isn't a symptom, it is directly related to me being pregnant, so I have it here.

Only 8 more days until the big ultrasound! I can't wait...

P.S. Thanks to TOPCAT for tagging me. I really appreciate it! It was a pleasant surprise, and gave me lots to do while I tried to keep myself busy in the mornings!

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Sleep


My internal clock seems to be all flipped around. I can't stay awake past ten at the very latest and I have been up at the crack of dawn every morning since Monday. I have taken naps every day after work this week, too. It is so not like me. I am a night owl by nature. I love staying up late and having a quiet house to myself. After midnight has always been my favorite time of the day. Of course, I always have a hard time getting up in the mornings and stay in bed for as long as possible. I usually get to work at exactly fifteen minutes before school begins--just like my contract states. I never could understand people who get up at 5:00am and get to work by 7:00. I hate getting up in the cold mornings. I prefer to stay in my nice, warm bed with my eyes tightly shut for as long as possible! In fact, the one time I got to school really early, I had about fifteen people stop by my room to ask if everything was okay. I think they thought I was ill or something!

Once again I am up much too early. The first time it was 4:13am. Tried to go back to sleep for a long while and finally managed it. Then I was up again at 5:38am. Can you believe it was still dark? Geez. At that point, I gave up. I've been wandering around cyberspace since trying to keep myself occupied, while dh over here saws logs. I miss sleeping in. I love sleeping in. I am mad at dh for sleeping in. Sigh. I guess I'll try again tomorrow.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Ramblings About Different Things

Thank goodness it is Friday! I can hardly wait until I get the chance to sleep in tomorrow. The kids at school are in rare form and are doing everything in their power to get themselves into trouble. I think there was something like 55 referrals to the office today for a wide variety of offenses. My kids are fairly nonthreatening (when you take out the psychotic student who doesn't take meds because he doesn't want to, the handful of students who are regularly visited by social services, the 3-4 on probation, and the one that has just returned from suspension for bringing a knife to school), but they have been chatty and overactive all week long. It could be that I don't have my usual energy to deal with such things, but it could be that something is in the air. Sometimes that happens...some adult resistant scent floats through the campus and all the students go crazy at the same time--like some kind of scent version of a full moon. I hope whatever it is has changed by Monday! We have a little under 5 weeks left. We can all feel it and we can hardly wait! (Someday when I have some time, I'll tell you some stories about school. Some of them will make you laugh, a lot will make you cry.)

I am sore just about everywhere now. My butt is killing me; so much so, I can hardly sit or walk today. I hope it is because dh shot a little low last night. I also finished my eighth shot of lovenox today. I think I have mastered the shot and am now able to reduce the bruising to just over the size of a pencil eraser. My belly is sore all across the front, although it is not as bad as my butt. Yikes. How many more weeks of this do I have to do? I know it is all for a good cause, but ouch!

We're having trouble with our insurance company over the lovenox. When dh went to get the prescription, the $50 copay he expected to pay somehow blossomed to $331.00. This is for 10 shots. WTF? Apparently the insurance company would only authorize 10 shots every 30 days. I'm not sure how the insurance company thought 10 daily shots would last thirty days, but that is what they said. After some telephone tag I found that I needed some authorization form sent to them before they would approve it. How was I supposed to know that? Of course the person at my clinic that deals with such stuff was gone for the day, so it will have to wait until Monday. The good thing is that the pharmacy is willing to work with us. They let us take the meds (for the $331.00) but said when the insurance issue is fixed, they will reimburse us the money and charge the insurance company. That is probably not the most legal thing to do, but I do appreciate it. And I thought $150.00 a month was expensive!

I have some fun things planned this weekend, aside from sleep. First I am going to a colleague's wedding. I am so happy for her. She is one of those really sweet people and I am happy that things are finally going her way. Her best friend is six months pregnant (where I would be if I hadn't mc #1) and I was dreading going to the wedding because I didn't really want to see the friend. I guess that problem is not so much a problem now. It still hurts to think about the what ifs, but at least I have the NOW to help me feel better!

On Sunday we are going to the local Strawberry Festival. I live in a semi-agricultural area that is known for its strawberry fields. (It is more city than agricultural, and only about 60 miles from Los Angeles, but there are a number of fields throughout the area.) Every year they put together this huge festival where you can get anything strawberry: shortcake, strawberry beer, strawberry pizza, and all kinds of other goodies. They also sell arts and crafts type things. People come from all over to go to the festival. I am looking forward to it.

Well, I suppose I should go make dinner. Yuck. I hate cooking. I much prefer baking...if only we could eat desserts all the time. Sigh. I can dream, can't I? Take care all!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Superstitious

I haven't posted in a few days. I have attempted to several times over that time, but every time I would open the post, I would end up closing it and erasing what I wrote. I couldn't figure out what my problem was. Why wasn't I able to write my thoughts and feelings?

I think a part of me--a large part--is afraid that by talking about being pregnant, I might somehow jinx it and lose the pregnancy. I am not an overly superstitious person on most days. I will avoid walking under ladders, but my concern is more about something falling on me instead of it causing bad luck. I have broken more than my fair share of mirrors in my life without even once worrying that I am doomed. But talking about being pregnant? That is a touchy subject! I really don't want to jeopardize this...

I am forcing myself to get it over with and jump right in here. I am not even really sure what I am rambling on and on about right now. My fingers are just typing without me really thinking about it.

Deep breath. Okay, here it goes...

I have only told two people what is going on right now. One person was there when the nurse called to give me my first beta results. There was no way she'd let me go anywhere without explaining what all of that was about. She swore to strict confidentiality, though, and has kept her end of the deal. The other person I told is my student teacher. I figured I owed her an explanation of why my emotions were all over the place. By nature I tend to be a calm, tolerant person. Over the last week, I have become an unpredictable monster. She laughed and said that me being pregnant explained a lot...hmmm, what do you think that meant? Anyway, I am still lying to my mom and dad about what is happening. I have decided not to say anything to them until the ultrasound. That is fourteen long days away! My mom has asked several times when I will start the next cycle. My response has been when I start my period. That is sort of true. (Can I get off on a technicality?) Well, she can pretty much guess that my period "should" be here in the not too distant future. Then what? I am trying not to think about it.

Today I am 5 weeks. Wow, I said it out loud. Nothing happened because I said it. Breathe. Nothing will, right?

I am still on the blood thinner and inject it once a day into my belly. I have some pretty black and blue bruises from the shots, but they are fairly small so far. I am sure that the bruising will increase the longer I am on the shots. I do find that if anyone even looks at me wrong, I get another bruise. That is pretty unfortunate for me as I tend to be a little on the 'accident prone' side of the pendulum. If there is a wall somewhere, I will find a way to walk into it. That has always been my problem, so I guess there is no changing it now! I am also still on the progesterone shots. I think these shots are the cruelest form of torture. You want to really break someone? Just give them progesterone shots in the rear for a month. They'll do anything you want just to stop them! My butt is so sore, it hurts when I walk. It is awful. (But worth it!)

I think I have created a groove in my toilet seat from the constant running to the bathroom I am doing. I swear that I am in there more often than not anymore. (Warning, too much info is coming up.) I am having a lot more discharge lately. I know that this is normal, but every time I feel "wet" I have a sinking feeling in my heart and just know that my period has started and I miscarried again. I run to the bathroom, pull down my pants fully expecting to see blood, and breathe a sigh of relief to find nothing there. I do this many times a day (no way will I admit how often) and I am driving myself and poor husband crazy. I can't help it, though. It is an obsession! I never really thought of myself as OCD before, but apparently I am!

Another interesting development in my body over the last week has been the increase in gas. I have never been one to be gassy in the past. Now, I can clear a room without really even trying. "Oh, it's not that bad," you might think. Well it is. When your cats get up off your lap and walk away, you know that you are causing quite a toxic hazard. I mean, cats have pretty high tolerance for this type of thing. I guess I am okay until they start to try and bury me, right? I won't admit that one to you if it happens, either!

I don't really have any concrete symptoms to prove to myself that I am really pregnant. I have a reason for everything I feel. I am tired--progesterone shots or stress at work. I am hungry--I eat too much/just being a pig. I have horrendous gas--dh makes me eat too much broccoli (he really does). I am bloated--side effect from the meds and again maybe the broccoli. Sore bbs (which started back up again today)--now this one makes me feel a little more confident, but not that much more and is probably progesterone, too. Cramps--pending af...only being held off by progesterone. I am annoyed by everything--hormones out of whack from meds/stress at work/no caffeine/tired/people are just stupid.

See? I am hopeless!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

I Can't Believe It!


I am shaking as I type this. I guess I am still in a state of disbelief. My beta doubled! Can you fricken believe it? I am so excited that I can hardly stand it!

Beta #2 is 590! 590...such a lovely number. I think it is the best number in the entire world, my new favorite number if nothing else. 590. Wow! This might actually mean I am pregnant! I am crying again...

I have my ultrasound scheduled for May 30. So soon and so far away at the same time.

Two milestones down, a million more to come. I can't wait to mark each and every one off with a big, fat check mark. I am utterly shocked that this happened! Do you get that sense?

I might be a mom! This year is going to be a very Happy Mother's Day for me and my family!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Yeah!

Drum roll please.....beta was 282!!!!! I am very happy! I did my first shot of lovenox (blood thinner--OUCH!!!) and will be on it until either I deliver or the retest x 3 comes back with a normal value some time next week. Keep your fingers crossed that this time it's sticky! I'll post some more later...when I come back down from my cloud! :-)

Curious

You all have me wondering...how many do you think stuck? I transferred 6! Crazy, huh?

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Thursday, May 10, 2007

A Roller Coaster of Emotions.

Okay. I am feeling better now. This morning I was having a pity party for myself. Yesterday's hpt made me nervous. Plus, I woke up again after dreaming I was bleeding. There was no blood, but I couldn't sleep after that. I am still not quite convinced that I will end up staying pregnant, and yesterday's test just fueled the uncertainty fire. I'm up, then I'm down. The hills and valleys in this emotional roller coaster are never ending!

I was feeling a little yucky today at work. Not nauseous, but yucky. I started to think that this might be a good thing, so I got some more tests on the way home (I had sworn them off yesterday). I got an instant line and it is very dark today, so I am feeling a little better. This definitely caused the upward trend in my attitude.

I go in tomorrow for the beta around 1:30. I don't have an actual appointment. The nurse said to come in whenever I could get down there (it is the least they can do at this point) and they'll draw my beta and give me my prescription and first shot of the blood thinner. Should be interesting.

Here are the latest pictures...


I still haven't told anyone about all of this. I even lied to my mom and told her I wasn't cycling because they found a cyst, which was sort of true because I did have a cyst. No guilt there, right? For my other two cycles, I was an open book and told everyone I knew practically. I also told them I was pregnant. Then I had to go back and tell them I wasn't. This time I'm not saying anything until I see a heartbeat. Shoot, maybe I won't say anything until I have a baby in my arms!

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Sigh...Why Does It Always Have To Be Difficult?

Well, the lab apparently lost my blood and that is why the results are not in yet. The clinic has some of my blood frozen and will send it out to get it tested. It better not be to the same idiots (lab) that screwed up the last two times. I can't do this test while pregnant, so it is a good thing they had blood on ice. I am still so frustrated that it really makes me boil. They are playing with my life. All I am getting is the run around. I hate it.



I will start lovenox on Friday. They are not making me wait for the retest...we will error on the side of caution. In my heart of hearts, I think the results will still be positive and confirm the first test. When they told me about the Protein S deficiency, it just felt right. I can't explain it more than that. Maybe it's woman's intuition?



So, I am keeping my fingers crossed until Friday that my bean(s) stick like crazy. I am on all of the extra folic acid and b vitamin and I must admit that I do feel different from the last time...so...I am praying my hardest.



I hpt'ed today, but the results for 13dpo look a lot like 12 dpo. That makes me a little nervous. I wanted to see a darker line! I hope it is because I didn't hold my urine long enough and diluted my hcg. It still says I am pregnant, so I guess I should be happy with that and not worry about anything else.



Shouldn't this be the happiest time in my life? Shouldn't I be able to enjoy getting a positive hpt like everyone else? I know it is because I've been through too much. I know too much. Why does it always have to be so difficult?

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I Am Sick, I Know It!

The obsession continues. I know. I am a freak. Can't help it. Here is today's test...



I am glad it is getting darker. Thankful is a more accurate word. Blessed is an even better one. One hurdle down...the bigger one to go.



I don't know if I told you my history, but this is my third ivf after two mcs. I have success with the first part of ivf only to later fail at the pregnancy part. It has been very hard emotionally, but I keep trying to pick myself up and work toward the goal of a baby.



After miscarriage #2 in March 2007, I finally convinced my RE to do a recurrent miscarriage panel. He kept saying that he thought it was bad luck, which to me was interpreted as "you've got old eggs, honey." Anyway, they found that I am compound heterozygous MTHFR and I have a Protein S deficiency. Basically, I don't process folic acid and the b vitamins AND my blood doesn't have enough protein in it to stop it from clotting. (I have the womb o' death for an embie is what I think a lot of the time.) Still I have tried to be positive (for the most part) and believe that all will be okay. We found a problem that we can solve--that has to be something, right?



The clinic wanted to retest this Protein S activity again (in case it was a false positive although my levels were really low), but for the second time, they say there are no results. The first time I went in for the retest, they did the wrong test, so the test had to be done again. I was assured the results from the second attempt at the retest would be in by retrieval. No. Then I was assured they would be in by transfer. No. Now I am told they will have to redraw my blood because the lab never got the specimen. This is the third attempt at a retest. Is God trying to keep me from knowing the answer here, or what?



Now I have tested postitive on my hpts. I am pregnant. Each time I test, I pray that the line will be darker. I get even more afraid every time it is. Let this one stick!



I would have to go on lovenox if the Protein S Deficiency is still positive...with no results, then what will happen? I am feeling like I have doomed 6 embies to the "womb o' death" because my clinic keeps screwing up. I am sitting here still trying to be positive, but I am failing miserably. Sniff. Sniff.



Dh has been on the phone all afternoon trying to clear this up (I have been teaching and proctoring the state testing, so I haven't been able to do it).



It is still up in the air as to what will happen. I pray that this will work out and that my little baby(ies) will have a chance this time.



There is always something to worry about...will it ever get easier?

Monday, May 7, 2007

All Consuming...

I have now entered a new phase of the ivf cycle. This is one of the ugly sides of ivf. Uglier than shooting yourself up wherever you can to make sure you take your meds during the right time "window." Uglier than the bruising said shots make on your pale stomach and even paler butt. Uglier than having so much blood drawn from your one good vein that you look like an addict. Uglier than being so comfortable getting wanded at the doctors office, that you practically drop your pants the second you enter the door to the clinic and really don't care who is doing the wanding.


This is the pee-on-a-stick-obsession stage. For me, this is the stage that proves I have gone over the edge (as if I wasn't before). I am truly a junkie now...a pee junkie. Now the obsession is to make sure the line on the stick keeps getting darker. Thicker. All that matters is that the line changes from one pee to the next. This is exhibit #1 (and I'll refrain from adding the other exhibits...trust me when I say there are more than a few):



The top is today's line, the bottom is yesterday's. It doesn't really show up here, but trust me when I say that the line is much darker today. It came up much quicker today, too. Yeah! Hallelujah!


Do non-ivfers go through this obsession? I am not sure, but my instincts tell me that they probably don't.


Sigh. I am also getting pretty worried about the success of this pregnancy. It has only been two days! I don't have the best track record when it comes to holding on to them. Plus, the retest for the Protein S Activity is not back yet. I was assured it would be here by the retrieval. Then I was assured it would be here by the transfer. Well, we are now at 7 days past transfer and still no results. I have put dh to the job of hounding the clinic until they get the results...I hope it isn't too late.


I really am a sane and rational person on most things. I even handle pressure well. You wouldn't know it during a cycle. I am, though. Really.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

I Did A Bad, Bad Thing...


I did it. I succumbed to the call of the stick. I could resist no longer--and it was the slightest, faintest bfp! Yeah! Now, I realize that this could still be some trigger left in my system because it has only been 12 days. Still, the trigger usually quickly leaves my system. Plus, I did get a bfp last cycle on 11dpo. So...

I am going with pregnant. Now, I pray this one sticks!


"It Is Certain!"

I am pregnant. So says the Magic 8 Ball, at least! Is it a little crazy that I take some comfort from this? I am still too chicken to do a hpt even though I have four of them calling my name every time I go to the restroom. Right now, I am trying to be content with the wisdom of the ball. It is certain. I like that. I also got a "Most Likely So" from the ball, but this leaves some room for doubt, so I don't like it as much. I had to laugh when my dh asked if we were pregnant with more than one. He got "It Remains to Be Seen" for his question. I think the ball lost all credibility in his eyes after that. (It answered me on that question...said "Yes!" Yikes. Shh, don't tell dh.)

I've been trying to do some visualization techniques my acupuncturist showed me. I've never been really good at visualization, and told her that, but she still thinks it is important that I try. Ok. In my mind's eye, I try to picture my six little embies as little mountain climbers. You know, the kind you would see on the Swiss Alps or something. Their little outfits include the khaki shorts, long white socks, crisp white shirts, and little suspenders. Oh, and they have on little green hats with white feathers. (Don't know why my mind went to this place with this get-up, but there it is.) They have little hand and toe picks trying to climb up my uterus to some comfy place. (The picks are causing the cramping that I still have. Some of the cramps are quite intense, so I envision that as a particularly good jab with one of the picks, like they had to reposition for a really good hold.) Did you hear that little sound just now? I think it sounded something like a yodel! Yodel-Leh-He-Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! (that is the echo/roll call) Ok, maybe that was just in my head. I guess this is why I don't visualize very often!

I went in for my progesterone and estrogen check today. My progesterone level was 34 (above 30 is what they want to see) and my estrogen was 400 (they look for above 150). "All looks good," said nurse Michelle. I am to stay on the same meds and wait for my beta next week. 6 days from now. A lifetime away.

I wonder if she would have let me come in earlier if she knew what the 8 Ball said...

Friday, May 4, 2007

What's Going On In There?

Well, my boobs are still sore. They're tender all the way out to my arm pits...and yes, I am still feeling myself up at every opportunity. I find it is a compulsion now. DH thinks I am losing my mind, because although they are too sore for him to touch, I can't keep my hands off myself. Each time I feel the pain, it is just a little more reassurance that things may have gone the way they are supposed to, and I just might be pregnant again.

The ute has been going through some transitions, too. The cramping that started on 6dpo has steadily increased. I have had several stabbing pains radiating from my belly today and the general feeling that AF is on her way. Once, the pain was intense enough to stop me mid sentence (try explaining that to a room full of 8th graders). So that of course meant that before coming here to write, I had to spend quite a bit of time on every search engine I could think of, researching ivf, cramping, and 8dpo. I found 794 posts, but none really answered my questions. Figures.

Anyone have any answers to these questions? The Internet has been of no help!

1) What causes the cramping during the two week wait? (Implantation? Progesterone in oil? Something else?)
2) If it is implantation, does that mean the more intense cramps equate stronger attempts at implantation? (I like this idea even though I am sure that there really isn't a way to prove it.)
3) If it is the progesterone in oil injections, why does it take so long for the cramping to start? Shouldn't the cramps start right after the first shot instead of taking six days to start?

These matters are the bane of my existence right now. It totally sucks. 2 days until my p4 and e2 check. 8 days left until beta...

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Symptoms or Not?

Today my boobs are sore...super sore actually. I jogged across the campus today and had to grab my chest because it hurt as I moved. This probably doesn't seem all that monumental to many of you, but for someone with a smaller sized chest (I'm a "nearly" A on a good day) it was big. I've had to watch myself because now I have the compulsive need to feel myself up at every opportunity just to make sure they are still sore. They are. Do you suppose all my groping is causing the pain? :-)

Is it a sign? Or, is it the stupid progesterone finally kicking in? If it is the progesterone, it seems strange that it would take seven days to finally make my boobs hurt. I am sure it isn't unheard of, but it still seems strange.

I've had some slight cramping yesterday and today. The action is even happening in the uterus area now, slightly below the belly button and on either side of my belly. They're just little twinges here and there, nothing earth shattering. Still it is something. I hope my embabies are digging in for a nice long stay.

Hmmm...if it is implantation, when should I start testing?

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

6DPO

Try as I might, I cannot help but analyze every single little thing I feel today. I am sure this will continue throughout the two week wait ahead and I am not really looking forward to it. How I will manage to stay sane during this time is a mystery. If I feel even the slightest twinge somewhere near the vicinity of my uterus (and that could include anything, even the slight pain I had in my armpit for Pete's sake) I automatically think it has something to do with implantation. I want it to be implantation...I pray that it is implantation. This causes some serious head trips if you've never been there!

I've been thinking about the differences between this cycle and my previous two. This time I told two people what we are doing. I didn't even tell my mom and dad (had to lie because she asked me directly if I was cycling). I think I am trying to save everyone from the disappointment if I miscarry again. Maybe I am trying to save myself from the pain of having to go back and tell people that I am not pregnant. Who knows what the reason is, I just know that it feels different.

I went back to work today. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, although I wasn't opposed to the idea either. I do feel guilty about missing work, and I left my poor student teacher alone to fend for herself. I had called to check on her Monday evening and all seemed well. Yesterday apparently wasn't a very good day. She had a freaky, noneffective sub to help her (who told her about how he doesn't know how he became a sub because he really didn't want to teach, his friend's disappearance and ultimate murder, and several other off the wall things--a real top of the gene pool selection here--and how do these topics come up in a conversation anyway!?). I think because of that, it was the day the students decided to have a mutiny. (I am so sorry I wasn't there, Christie!) Maybe they missed me? Maybe they are just tired of all the work we are doing getting prepared for the state testing? Who knows what the reason was, it happened and it was ugly. The student teacher, Christie, took the whole thing to heart and somehow felt like she was responsible. She wasn't, these things just happen some times!

I had to go in today and be the disapproving mom. I told them how disappointed I was that they were not able to behave, blah, blah, blah. I made them write an explanation of what happened (of which they were brutally honest--named names and pointed fingers left and right), tell how they will respond differently the next time I have to be gone, and then write an apology to the student teacher. The responses were pretty heart felt. They knew they took advantage and seemed sorry about it. I gave the letters to the student teacher and she seemed to feel a little better about it all. I just wanted to tell her that she had finally arrived...she was an official teacher!

I guess that is all for now. Time to get back to analyzing my body again.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Scary Research

Okay, with nothing better to do, I thought I would research the issues I think are causing my miscarriages. The two problems (that we've found at least) are MTHFR mutations and Protein S Deficiency. Maybe this can help someone else diagnosed with these. This stuff scares the crap out of me! Here it goes...

MTHFR (Methylene-Tetra-Hydro-Folate-Reductase) mutations- it is important that you find out which category of this mutation you fall under. This mutation could be either:

a) heterozygous (there are two parts to this gene, and each part has two parts, so there is a possiblity of 4 places for mutations. Heterozygous means you have one mutation on one part of the gene. This is the most common and impacts you the least),

b) compound heterozygous (this would be one mutation on each part for a total of two mutations. This would be a little more serious, but still fixable), and

c) homozygous (this is when you have both mutations on one part. This is the most serious of the mutations)

I did some more research and found an interesting site (which I lifted this info from).

"First, with MTHFR, there are two different kinds of mutations, as you've said, and it's possible to be "heterozygous," "compound heterozygous," or "homozygous."

The most severe MTHFR problems occur with homozygous C677T, meaning two copies of the "C" mutation. Next most serious is compound hetero, which means one copy of the "A" mutation and one copy of the "C" mutation. (LUCKY ME!) Next most serious is one "C" mutation. After that, it's two "A" mutations. The least serious is a single "A" mutation.

Any and all of these mutations can affect homocysteine levels, but there is much dispute as to whether elevated homocysteine levels are actually needed in order for MTHFR to cause trouble. Many other MTHFR patients have normal homocysteine levels, yet have had implantation problems and/or m/c's due to clotting problems. So it is important to find out your homocysteine levels (although again, normal doesn't necessarily mean all is well). This is a serious field and MTHFR is a serious condition, so consulting an expert is wise.

http://www3.fertilethoughts.com/forums/showthread.php?t=351238

Heterozygous MTHFR is fairly common in caucasion populations and is the "lesser" of the mutations. Compound heterozygous and homozygous MTHFR have definitely been linked to implantation failure, late term miscarriages and overall vascular health and also anything dealing with birth defects that lack of folic acid can cause. Which ever type of MTHFR you have, it should not be discounted.

Essentially what this means is that the genes that instruct MTHFR to convert homocysteine to Methionine are mutated and may not be capable of doing this important function. MTHFR is an enzyme that converts homocysteine to an essential amino acid (methionine). When the genes are mutated you may be lacking this enzyme. Your homocysteine levels can possibly climb making the blood clot. Some doctors don't check for the MTHFR mutations and rely only on homocysteine levels. This isn't as reliable as testing for the mutations because homocystein levels fluctuate (if you catch your level on a normal day, you may go undiagnosed).

Many doctors prescribe folgard which is high levels of folic acid, b12 and b6. These vitamins are what the body essentially needs to convert homocyteine to methionine. To put this into perspective, the average prenatal has 800mcgs of folic acid (200% of the normal daily value). I am compound heterozygous, and I am required to take 5mgs of folic acid/b vitamins (6 times more than the prenatals have in them plus the prenatal!) --compiled by "Sparkle"

Protein S is a vitamin K–dependent anticoagulant protein. It is apparently quite rare to have this deficiency (lucky me!). According to my protein s activity test, my levels are at 29% with the normal range above 60%.

Protein S deficiency also is associated with fetal loss in women, in the absence of VTE (venous thromboembolism which occurs when red blood cells, fibrin, and to a lesser extent platelets and leukocytes form a mass, clot, within an intact cardiovascular system). Some authors suggest that as many as 40% of women with obstetric complications other than VTE may carry some form of thrombophilia. Protein S deficiency is one of these factors along with several other more common genetic thrombophilic states.

Protein S deficiency was also associated with a 7-fold increase in fetal loss.

Many experts recommend that women with protein S deficiency and a history of fetal loss, and severe or recurrent eclampsia, receive low-dose aspirin and prophylactic dose LMW heparin during pregnancy, and the LMW heparin should extent for 6 weeks postpartum.

For women with heterozygous protein S deficiency some recommend prophylaxis for the entire pregnancy and 6 weeks postpartum.

For women with no prior history of VTE and protein S deficiency plus any other thrombophilic defect, active prophylaxis with LMW heparin should be given during pregnancy and for 6 weeks postpartum.

I think that is it for now. Here is a link of where I found the protein s info http://www.emedicine.com/med/topic1924.htm

Just Sitting Here Incubating!

Well, I am lying here actually. It is 1:20 pm and I am still in bed. Don't get me wrong, I've been up and around the house, but I still find myself migrating back to the bed. Needless to say, I am bored silly.

It gives me too much time to think this way. Think and worry. Worry item number one is that we didn't get the Protein S results yesterday. I am a little annoyed by that. I was assured the results would be here by my transfer. When I asked, I was told to check back with them in three days. Sigh. These results are so important to me...I really feel like this is the reason for the miscarriages, but I can't do anything about it until I have those results. I want to be prepared (mentally) for giving myself the daily heparin injections. Plus, I want to start the heparin as soon as possible and give my little embies every chance possible!

Worry number two is that I transferred six embies! Good God, what will I do if they all implant? The realistic side of me really doesn't see that happening. The hormonal side is freaking out!

Worry number three is the age old question of "I transferred six, but what if none of them imlant?" That would throw me over the edge in a bad way. The implications of that is that my eggs truly are old...then what?

Worry number four is that I do get pregnant. What if I miscarry yet again? What would that do to my increasingly fragile emotional state!?!

The list of worries go on and on. There are really too many to name in my little blog.

I will try to not worry too much. Easier said than done!
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