FET #2...Or Is It #3 -- Whatever

The scan didn't go so well today. I have a rather sizeable cyst, well actually two on my right ovary. The big one is measuring 40x30 while the smaller one is only about 18x20. I was pretty certain that the cycle was doomed right then and there, but I did my blood work anyway. You know me, always the glutton for more punishment.

Imagine my surprise when I got the call today that we are on!! Whoot!! My E2 was only 28.3, which means that the cysts are not producing estrogen so I can start the cycle.

Jeez. My adrenaline is flowing man. I hate it when the clinic calls late...it never means good news. Whew.

Anyway, I start delestrogen tonight and Thursday. I go back on Sunday for my next scan and blood work.

We are on, Baby. 2010 is going to be the year!

Maybe this should replace my Perfect Monday Moment! (check below for a cute video of Sh.awn)

Update on the FET

Well, here it is. My traditional belly shot. :-)

So, we made it. We actually had something to transfer today! The embryologist thawed three blastocysts. All three made it through the thaw just fine. (I am so proud!)

Here we have our grade A hatching blast. We're calling her Lucy.

Here are the other two blasts. We transferred the grade B expanding blast as well--aka Ethel. (marked #2) They did AH on her just to make things a little easier for her to implant. Ahem. The third blast will be refrozen if it makes it through the night and begins to expand.

The kicker is that the embryologist gave us a 40-50% chance of pregnancy based on our history and the quality of the blasts we transferred.

40% to 50%, people!

And there are still two more snowbabies for the future!

I don't know how I got so lucky. :-)

Progesterone and estrogen check is on 11/13.

Beta is on the 16th. It will technically be 16dpo. 16 seems to be the number of the hour.

The countdown is on...do you think I can make it 10 days to the beta without testing?

Me neither. I figure that Monday is as good of a day to start peeing on sticks as any other!

Whew

Well, I called the clinic and confessed my sin. I was hoping they'd let me skip the scan. I figured it was just a formality. Of course, the whole "we won't thaw your blasts until we have this scan" line sobered me up some. They were nice about it and let me come in today. They even worked with the 93 minute time frame I had available as well--it is a 30 minute drive (if I drive like a bat out of hell and there is no traffic), which left a maximum of 33 minutes I could spend in their office. I checked in, was scanned, talked to a nurse, AND was back in my car in a total of 17 minutes. That never happens. Whew.

There's no problem with the med dosage mix-up either.

My lining was 11H. The old ute was clear of...well, whatever they were checking for. I did have an 18mm follie on my left side that appeared on my "suppressed" ovaries, but that doesn't matter either.

So, we are all set! I am tentatively scheduled for 9:15 on Friday.

The next hurdle is the Big Thaw. Then it is time to party!

Fingers crossed that my little snow babies survive and don't leave me hanging at the party all by myself.

Mild Freak Out

So today I missed my final monitoring scan for the FET. I thought it was tomorrow, but it was today according to my paperwork I finally found. There was no call from the clinic asking where I was, though, so that is strange. Not only that, but I reversed how I was supposed to take my PIO and did 2ccs on Sunday and 1cc last night. Apparently it was supposed to be the opposite.

Why the hell am I fucking everything up?

What is wrong with me?

I guess (hope) they'll probably just reschedule my scan for tomorrow or Thursday. We still have time before the big thaw to cancel things should there be a problem with my lining--which is 13H at the last scan, still not that wanted triple stripe I used to have. WTF is up with that? I want my triple stripe back. But really, I don't think there will be a problem with my lining. Right? (say right, okay)

Now the med issue makes me a little more worried. I suppose in the long run, if I correct the error and just do 2ccs from here on out it will be okay, but...

this is totally not like me.

I can't believe I let this happen.

As an aside, my MIL had knee replacement surgery today. We knew it was coming sometime soon, but we didn't know exactly when it would happen. (Don't get me started on that--like I've said before, she lives less than 5 miles away from us and we hardly ever hear from her or see her. The two of them have an "interesting" relationship. That is the nicest way I can put it.) Anyway, that has Is.aac in a panic of sorts because he gets strange about all things dealing with his mother.

So that means he's freaked, too.

That does not create a happy situation at the old homestead.

Sigh.

I'll keep you updated. Fingers crossed that I haven't fucked things up beyond repair.

I don't normally use the word fuck. I must be stressed.

Breathe, Stac. Just breathe.

I was so excited to dress the boys up for Halloween and take them out to a few houses. I carefully planned their costumes. They were perfect. I couldn't WAIT to see them all dressed up! All was going well until about 4:30 when Is.aac brought home a sub sandwich for a late lunch. I had tuna. He had some chicken something-or-other.

About a half an hour after I finished eating, I felt light headed. I went to go lay down for a few minutes before we got everyone dressed. I woke up an hour later feeling even worse. The night went downhill from there.

Needless to say, I did not go trick or treating with the boys. Actually, no one went. Is.aac was pretty worried about how quickly (and violently) I got sick.

Now today, I feel sad that I missed out on celebrating such a fun day with the boys. I know they don't care. I know they won't remember. But still, it just hurts me to let even this one silly holiday slip by without going all out. We've worked so hard to get the chance to celebrate anything at all! I still can't shake the feeling that I have to go make the most of these types of things and celebrate while we can.

I still want to dress the boys up and take loads of pictures. At least that is something, right?

---

Tonight is my first PIO shot. There's no turning back now. Friday is on its way.

The Sweetest Sound...

...is when your baby grabs your hands and says, "Walk!" and then you do--four different times!

Oh, and in case you are wondering, I'm talking about SH.AWN!!!!!!!!

Whoot!

It isn't perfect, but damn it, he is motivated and working on it! :-)

---

Had u/s and blood work yesterday. All is a go. Transfer is on November 6! Fingers crossed that this leads to a sticky and healthy pregnancy!

Thursday

Each visit to the hospital leaves a mark on me, even when it's just merely for a follow-up appointment, and even when we leave with good news. For me it is impossible to walk along the hallways and not be touched by what I see--IV clad children being pulled in wagons down the hall toward M.c.Don.alds by overly cheerful parents, kids with shiny heads clinging to the chest of dad, and severely disabled children pushed in wheelchairs. I see them and my heart skips a beat. Everywhere I turn there are noises and sights that bring tears to my eyes.

I understand these families. I feel for them in a way that breaks my heart. I know exactly what it is like to have a child who is sick. I may not know what ailment their particular child may have, but I know that uncertainty. I know that fear. I know the despair of seeing my child so fragile and vulnerable. I know what it is like to know that your child could die and to wonder if he will make it to tomorrow.

We were one of those families. I hate that we were, but we were. Fortunately, we are all healthy now. Still, the threat is there. It is only a matter of time until we are one of those families again. I hate that even more.

---

A couple walked by us while we sat waiting for our scans. They were alone without a child, not a good sign at a children's hospital. They had the look. That look that says things are bad. Very bad. They were holding hands, although they were each in their own world. Together but not. I wish I was a better person and was able to do something, anything to help them. But I wasn't. I had to look away. Their torment scared me. I pray that their child is okay. I fear that he or she is not.

---

I was nervous (as my stomach continues to remind me today) about the prospect of running into the asshole neurosurgeon. I just knew I was going to lose it if/when I saw him. We made it the entire day without the anticipated confrontation. I began to relax once we finished our appointment with our neurosurgeon, relieved that the asshole wasn't in the office. All we had left to do was to get us some lunch and head home. I figured he wouldn't be at M.c.Don.alds, and I knew he wasn't going to be in the parking lot, so I thought we were safe. The neurosurgeon's office was on the 10th floor, so we all piled into the elevator to head on our way.

Can you guess who was waiting by himself right outside the elevator when it opened on the first floor?

Yep. The asshole.

Why the universe thought it necessary to put him in front of OUR elevator (there were three available!) at the precise time the doors opened is beyond me. (The cosmic forces that had to have aligned to make that chance meeting happen are mind boggling. People, we had to wait over 2 hours to get scanned and 2 hours to see our neurosurgeon!) I made eye contact, muttered a few choice expletives that I hope and pray he could lip read, gave him my glare of death, and busied myself with getting the boys out of the elevator.

I KNOW he saw me.

Is.aac said he immediately got busy with his cell phone and wouldn't look up. He didn't say a word to us as we walked by him.

That, my friends, made me quite satisfied. Perhaps I have an effect on him, too. Hehe. I am such a bitch. :-)

---

Shot #4 was tonight. Scan on Wednesday. Still hoping things are going the way they should...

If you can believe it, there were no lead follicles today. In fact, I didn't have any measurable follies today (some around 7ish mm was all). Even little cystie poo was behaving and maintaining the same (possibly smaller) size it was last week. Estrogen and progesterone are good.

E2 - 249
P4 - .5

There is no hint that I'll ovulate any time soon.

Lining was 13H (homogeneous), which they were fine with.

I think I am in shock. I was so sure that this cycle was going to be a bust by this point.

They've upped my del.estrogen to .25 ccs for Wednesday and Saturday. My next scan and blood work check is next Wednesday. At that point we'll talk about when to schedule transfer.

Whoa.

A Jumble of Thoughts

I am in a strange place right now--afraid to be excited about this cycle while afraid to not be. In a way, no matter how I feel, it will end up being the wrong way.

Let's start with the obvious: I want to be excited. I want this to work, and I want to have a baby somewhere around nine months from now. But, I fear that if I get revved up about the possibilities of this cycle, something is going to happen to derail things. I almost expect for it to come, and I hate that I anticipate that other shoe to drop and crush me again. I hate that there always seems to be that other shoe there to drop.

In the beginning of us trying to conceive, three and a half years ago, I would just pick myself up, focus on the path ahead, and continue chugging along. I was always optimistic. I believed things would eventually work out for us. That belief was my fuel to keep me moving.

Then the boys came.

With them came incredible joy and so much uncertainty.

Even with something so wonderful as my little men, there is still that giant foot waiting to stomp on us at any moment.

When we decided to have more children, we knew that it probably wouldn't be easy. That isn't true. We hoped it would be easier. I hoped that we had found the magic combination to bring us a quick completion to the dream. Alas, that was not to be.

Our hope (and our hearts) was dashed again with the miscarriage. And again because my body didn't cooperate and suppress like it should have.

My fuel is depleted with each additional barrier we face. And damn it, there have been many. Lately, each new low is darker than the low before it, which scares me to no end. I am still able to pick myself up, but it takes longer; it's harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel; and my belief is waning. Now I question if there will be the point when I can't dig myself back out to rejoin the world. How much longer can I continue even if that means I don't reach the dream of adding to our family?

The emotional spiraling that happens after a bad cycle or heaven forbid, a loss, almost frightens me to the point of immobility.

I hate that fear can is dictating how I live. It rules with the boys a lot of the time. Now it rules here, too.

I want to be excited, but I just can't find it in me right now, which seems so......wrong.

Like now I am already failing this possible child to be.

Like now I am dooming us to not succeed.

Sigh.

Shot two was yesterday. My next scan is Tuesday. I suppose that will be the real test. I expect that I'll probably have another follie in bloom. It just sort of feels like there is too much activity in the ole abdomen for things to be going smoothly.

**Updated

Sigh.

The little follie that could even when it shouldn't is still around, only now he is a 12mm cystie that shouldn't.

It now all depends on my estrogen levels. If they are too high, then guess who gets to start birth control pills.

I am fucking tired of all of this. Why won't my body just work?

Double Sigh.

I have a rather strong feeling that I will not pass go this time. I am going to see about changing this into a natural cycle. The bad part is that my regular doctor is out at some conference, so I am not exactly sure who is in charge of my case. The doctor that scanned me is the far more conservative doctor. He was the one that wanted to cancel me on the last scan before my last retrieval. Anyway, it seems to me that it shouldn't matter if I have a cyst to natural cycle, but I suppose I could be wrong about that, too. Why not, right?

I'll update when I get the call on the results.

**Update:

E2 was 44. I dodged the bullet by 6. They wanted it below 50 or I was taking bcps. I even have the perscription. (how is that for optimism on their part?) I start del.estro.gen tonight. Same dosage as before 0.2ml. Pray that my body behaves this time!

Guess what arrived right on time?

I go in for CD2 blood work and scan tomorrow.

This time, we're going to do this thing right. 'Nuff said.

P.S. I am taking the day off tomorrow. I figure it is time for a little break from things. :-)

Fuck. I just have to get this out so I don't explode.

I have had the tiniest bit of ache or cramp or something on the lower right side of my abdomen this evening.

It could be a cyst, but it is on the low side. I'm talking about the area about 3-4 inches from my belly button.

Maybe some endo pains? (although all I have officially heard about endo is that I had some on my ovary at this last retrieval)

I am trying with all I have to not get my hopes up. Everything I have.

Let's recap:

LH surge on CD 10. (last Monday)

Definite ovulation signs through to Wednesday - CD 12

Today is CD 18.

I technically have around another 8 days before I should see even the slightest hint of af.



I need to stop thinking about this. Sigh.

I'll most likely be kicking myself in the morning for even thinking this way.

Sucker Punched

Remember my guess that the boys' therapist had a miscarriage back in August, right around the same time as mine? It turns out that I was right. I had never really had the chance to talk to her about it because school had started and therapy was at my mom's house rather than at mine. (I still haven't told my mom all the stuff that has happened, and I have not confessed that we are doing treatments again. I haven't told anyone but the therapist actually. Not even really sure why I told her? Maybe because she happened to be there that day when I got the beta results? I don't know.)

Anyway, today we had a few minutes alone, so she took the opportunity to ask me about being pregnant. I am sure she knew that I wasn't because let's face it, it would be hard to hide a fifteen week pregnancy on me, but she asked anyway. I briefly told her what happened to me after she confirmed that she had miscarried, too.

What I wasn't prepared for was hearing that she is now 8 weeks pregnant. She was able to get pregnant again a mere two weeks after her miscarriage.

Hearing that news was yet another punch in the gut, made even worse by the fact that I am once again waiting for my stupid period. A period I wish would never come. A period that I know will.

It just pisses** me off all over again.

**I can't quite pinpoint a word or phrase that accurately relates my emotion about the unfairness of it all. "Pisses" just seems too benign, too common to really express what I am feeling.

---

I still haven't heard from the RE, which is a bit uncharacteristic of him. He always calls. I guess I am going to have to break down and call there. I just don't want to until I have something I can act on--you know, like a period. This sitting around waiting is not easy for me to deal with lately.

---

Work has been...hard. I am officially overwhelmed. The five preps, the late nights, coordinating and planning, and several students with some serious behavior issues (who are all in the same class, and if I hear that I am the only one who can handle them one more time I am going to explode!) are starting to take their toll on me. The sad thing is that it's only been six weeks since school started! I am in trouble.

Cancelled

That says it all.

They ran my blood work an extra time to make sure that my levels were correct. (the huge snaffu in the lab was that they got results that they weren't expecting and not something bigger like the front desk implied. there was less than a half a percent change between the two tests) As it stands, I am surging right now. My LH level is at 90.4, so my nice, big, fat follie is ready to pop. Gani.relix won't stop it; I'd just be wasting the $94.00 + on shots. Of course, the follie is on the side with the wonky tube, but we'll try the old fashion way anyway. You never know...

Ha!

Now, I wait the two weeks to start my period and give it another go.

I asked what they'd do differently next time, and (according to the nurse) it looks like I'll have a higher dose of del.estrogen the next time around. The dosage they gave me should have been enough to trigger my brain to no longer make any follies of note, but I was an overachiever and managed to anyway. The higher dosage would hopefully correct that mistake.

There is talk of a natural cycle next time (and when the RE calls, I'll ask more about it) because I have such a clear surge. The only difference would be I'd go in on CD 8 for follie check and blood work, use OPKs, and then transfer 6 days after my surge.

**Slim chance of the RE allowing me to continue this cycle because it is so clear that I am/will ovulating. Technically, we know the count is on and we have the 6 days they could get things geared up in the lab. I won't know until he calls either today or tomorrow.

I am not counting on it, though. That would suck to get my hopes dashed yet again this month.

WTF?

Seriously trying not to freak here. Called the clinic to see what was going on because they haven't called me yet. Apparently, there was a lab error earlier, and they had to re-run a bunch of blood work. Wanna guess whose blood is in that bunch?

Nah. You don't need to because you already know that answer.

I swear the universe keeps fucking with me just to see me panic.

They said they'd call me today with results.

I'd wonder what else could go wrong, but I really don't want to know the answer to that question.

True To Form

In true Stacie fashion, because seriously would you expect no less?, I didn't exactly have a stellar appointment. Sigh.

We found a rather large follie. On CD10, I have a follie that is 21x18 mm. Yeppers. I nice, big, fat follie. Great. Even with the estrogen, which is supposed to prevent such things from happening, Mrs. Righty decided she'd get all busy and produce something.

My lining was 7H (homogeneous-not triple striped).

So we are left with a few options, of which the winner will be determined by the outcome of the blood work:

1) cancel because my lining is not optimal for a transfer this early

2) up my dosage of estrogen (which they'd do anyway) and continue

3) add in gani.relix to help ward off ovulation, up my dosage of estrogen, and continue -- of course the nurse said they rarely have to use this protocol. I told her that probably meant that I'd have to do it (if I don't get canceled) because I like to do stuff the hard way. Always an original and all...

I am not letting myself freak out about this yet. It will be what it will be, and there isn't much to do about it now (although if there is anyone with a magic wand out there I'd appreciate all the help I can get).

So back to the waiting for me. The nurses don't do their calling until after 11:30, so I don't know if I'll be back at work by the time they get to me. I'll update you with more when I find out myself.

What I've Been Up To This Week

This...

(the papers I need to grade this weekend)

+ grades due next week even though I am so far behind it is ridiculous

+ 5 different preps (classes to teach)

+ coordinating a major school program

+ organizing and planning the upcoming staff development day with my site team because I am said coordinator (it is going to be awesome!)

+ one student teacher (who is wonderful, but still)

+ back to school night

+ my mom's birthday on the 23rd

+ Is.aac's birthday on the 26th (holy shit, that's tomorrow and guess who doesn't have a gift!)

+ EI evaluations on Wednesday, today, and next Wednesday (I swear we just did this!)

+ 2 grumpy boys who have decided they won't nap and must express their feelings about this unwise decision on their poor, unsuspecting mother (oh, how I love the tantrums)

= 1 pooped Stacie

--------

On a different note, I took shot numero dos last night. So far, so good. Scan and blood work is on Monday. At least I already made my sub plans so I don't have to worry about that! :-)

The Universe Hates Me

or at least loves to screw with my head.

Yesterday, when I left the RE's, the nurse had faxed my prescription to the pharmacy right next door to the clinic. This particular pharmacy has higher prices, but there really wasn't time to go bargain hunting or have the meds shipped to me. For any other person, this probably would have been a non issue. However, true to form at my house, nothing goes as well as it could and should. (There always has to be some sort of mini drama around our lives because, well, I don't know why. Frankly, the consistency of all of the madness is getting kind of old.)

Anyway, the pharmacy is approximately forty-five minutes away from where I work, so me going down there and picking the up meds and returning to work on time to teach was out of the question. Instead, Is.aac agreed to pick up my meds from the pharmacy. This little schedule change should have been my first red flag.

The rest of this story was given to me play by play via text messages and phone calls.

When he got to the pharmacy, he learned that they did not have the delest.rogen in stock. It was ordered, although it wouldn't be in until tomorrow. (Insert the start of a total freak out here.)

That little set back is huge.

I had to start the injections today, ideally would have started them yesterday, to continue with the cycle this month. No injection today = no FET until next cycle. (Cue hyperventilation.)

Well fuck.

Is.aac headed over to the clinic next door to tell them of this little predicament. He finally talked to the nurse and explained what happened. She wasn't helping much--he was lucky enough to get my least favorite nurse--so Is.aac finally asked if they had any delest.rogen there that he could buy.

The nurse left to go see if that was possible. (Cue tears brimming just under the surface. The kids must have thought I'd lost my mind!) Finally it was decided that yes they could give us some meds to hold us until the prescription could be filled, but they wanted to have us pay for it. Okay. Fine. Just give us the meds. The great part was that no one there knew how much to charge for it. He ended up paying $20.00 for a preloaded syringe of 0.2 ml. That upsets me more than it should I think. It is just that I think they totally overcharged us, but there is nothing we can do about it, because technically they helped us out.

Ugh. I just checked out pricing on line and it is approximately $100 for 5 ml. We were gypped! At that rate, the same amount you can buy on line for $100 would be $500 at the clinic. I need to stop thinking about it. All that matters is that he got the stupid stuff.

Once he was finally armed with the delest.rogen, Is.aac headed back to the pharmacy to pick up the rest of my prescription.

Whew. We think the crisis was averted. We're such silly fools. Haven't we learned that things are never that easy for us? This should have been red flag number two.

Sigh.

Come to find out, not even the rest of the prescription was right. The nurse ordered the wrong kind of progesterone. I use progesterone in ethyl oleate because I react to the progesterone in oil. Of course we bought 4 vials of progesterone in sesame oil instead of what we should have received.

So tomorrow I get to try to take the PIO back and exchange it.

Bleh.

Whatever.

I am not going to let this get me down.

I got my shot, which means that my cycle has officially started! So what if I lose a bit of money or have to buy more progesterone.

All that matters is it is on, baby. :-)

Imma gonna get pregnant.

Hear that universe?

I AM GOING TO GET AND STAY PREGNANT!

And......We're Off!

blood work - check

scan - check

results - check

protocol - check

Stacie a happy camper - check!

---

Thankfully, today's scan showed that all the pesky cysts I had when I miscarried are now all gone. My beta was negative (whew), and my estrogen was nice and low. Tomorrow, I start twice weekly injections of Delest.rogen. I go back for my next scan on Monday.

0.2 ml of Delest.rogen injections twice a week (Monday and Thursday) to continue for several weeks into pregnancy (I am thinking positively)

Scans are on Mondays (9/28 and 10/5)

Progesterone injections will start somewhere around 10/5 (date to be confirmed) and will continue throughout the first trimester. Once heartbeat is detected, the RE will consider allowing me to switch to suppositories. (His reasoning is that we know the PIO works for me and he doesn't want to tinker with the known before that date. I am okay with that.)

Transfer will be somewhere around cd 19, or 10/7.

So, that is all I know so far. Please, if you can find it in you to think good thoughts about this cycle, I would GREATLY appreciate it!

I am getting excited now!

Hm. I might be the tiniest bit nervous.

It's 1:00 am, and I am wide awake.

For some reason having to do the beta is freaking me out.

It shouldn't be a big deal. The period I am having is pretty intense. I am clearly not pregnant (I'd be 12 weeks now). Plus, I am certain I ovulated two weeks ago. Still...I hate that there is the possibility that I could still be in limbo.

I am afraid of the stupid odds. I suck at the odds game.

Bleh. I just want to get all of this over with.