Friday Night Leftovers

Santa brought me some eye shadow primer in my stocking. I had heard about it for the first time a few weeks ago and thought what the heck. My eye shadow goes AWOL after an hour or so, why not try this?

People, I put some of this stuff on and still had on eye shadow the next morning! Mind blown. Why did it take this lon for me to learn about this stuff?!

~~

Santa also brought everyone undies and toothbrushes in their stockings. My boys thought me getting undies was the funniest thing on the earth. Apparently only boys wear undies or something? I don't know. It cracked me up to hear them laugh at the idea.

~~~

What is it about a toy belong to someone else that makes it all that more appealing to another child? I swear there have been epic fights about who gets to play with what. My boys have decided that sharing is for suckers. Sigh.

~~~

Sh.awn looked and acted better yesterday, but has been more lethargic today. Thankfully the vomiting is gone. He's still resting a lot. His appetite is limited. Poor guy.

~~~

Jack made a funny noise last night while he was in bed, so I went in to see what was going on. I found him like this...

He is lying across the short end of his crib--yes, he's still in the crib. He may be in it forever if I can swing it. The boy needs to be contained!--with his toys piled under his head as a makeshift pillow. Cracks me up!

Speaking of noises, this one has joined the ranks of the family's night talkers. He's started these random screaming episodes. When I run in there to check, he is passed out cold. I imagine the sleep walking and/or night terrors are going to follow for him, too. Bummer.

~~~

For more Leftovers, stop by Danifred's.

Throwback Thursday - A Little Then and Now

Their first Christmas...

Our first family picture and the first time I got to hold them together.

Jason left, Shawn right
So itty bitty here. I think they were nearing 3.5 pounds.

And their 6th Christmas...

Shawn left, Jason right

It's mind blowing to see how big they are now! Sometimes I really need that reality check to remember just how far they've come. :)

Merry Christmas!

It has been a day here. Jeez. One boy throwing up and sick. Another made an unexpected escape through a not completely closed door. I finally found him across the street. (Scared the shit out of me! 3 minutes of pure terror, that's for sure. It did not help that as I walked out the door there was a car slowly drivig down the street. Thought the boy had just been kidnapped!) The third boy thought the day was fantastic until he fell and cut his ear on, of all things, a cardboard box. Sigh.

Still, we managed to have a good day overall, even Sh.awn, our sickie. Sh.awn has a few presents left to open tomorrow, which will extend the fun a little longer. Both Ja.son and Jack had a blast playing with their new toys. Is.aac and I have found a truce for right now, which is a most welcome reprieve from the bickering (and fighting). In a word, right now we are okay. That definitely makes me feel a lot better about things in general...funny how good days do that for you.

Anyway, from our house to yours,

Merry Christmas!

The big boys loved Santa this year!
I love this picture. It managed to capture
both their personalities perfectly!

Jack was torn. Santa's great from afar.
He's not as great when you're sitting on his lap
according to Jack. lol

Leftovers

Vacation is here. Vacation is here. I am so excited vacation is here! I go back to work on the 6th.

~~~

For the last day of school I got the crazy idea to do a craft with my students. (I consider it a momentary lapse of judgment.) Most of my students don't normally get the chance to do things like this, so I went for it.

Not the least bit challenging, right?

I had everything counted out and put in snack baggies. I told the kids to leave the beads in the bags until they were going to use them because I was not going to give them more if they lost them. We were set.

First period went well. The kids were all over the ornament we made. Of course, the 10 minute craft ended up taking the entire 53 minutes to complete, but it was a success.

Then I got cocky. I had the supplies. Why not just do the project with all my students? Easy peasy.

Second period was not as smooth, but we managed. The kids needed a LOT of individual attention to get through, but I had a student aide in that class who was able to help me help the others.

Third period broke me. Oh man. I swear I had several out of body moments where I watched in shock and horror at how totally NOT smooth things went. At one point I sent Isaac a text asking him to kill me and put me out of my misery. Lol. Thank God I finally ran out of supplies so I didn't have to do the project with the other classes.

But just when I thought I was never going to do this kind of thing ever again, three boys came in after school asking me to help them finish their snowmen. They were so stinking proud of themselves. A fourth boy came to ask if I had any extra supplies so he could make one for his grandma. Sigh.

~~~

Ja.son (and Is.aac) went to his little friend's house this evening. She invited him over so he could sing carols with her family. He had a blast until the girl's little brother bit Ja.son's hand. The drama.

~~~

I have discovered  that Sh.awn is a crafting fool when I can do things one on one with him. I feel badly that I don't do things with him individually as often as I should. He thrives when he has the individual attention. He makes me crazy when I try to have them all do crafts at the same time.

~~~

Jack stole a piece of broccoli off my plate this evening and ran off yelling "Christmas tree!!! Christmas tree!!!" Now I can't find where he put it the stupid thing. The thought of molding broccoli hidden somewhere in my house may drive me to drink. I bet I'll be smelling it in my dreams tonight!

~~~

Things between Is.aac and I are strained. The weekend has been rough. I think we've pretty much fought after every conversation we've had. Fights about the big things. Fights about the small things (because really, a couple needs to fight about what to take over to someone's house for a potluck, right?). We can't even ask the other what he/she is doing without a fight. He's clearly stressed. I'm stressed about his work and trying to finish everything Christmas. (How is it that he never has to stress about Christmas shit?) Trying to be merry when you're not really feeling it is exhausting.

Fun times.

~~~

I dreamt last night that my cat bit off her own tongue and left it on my pillow. Only instead of it being a small, rough cat tongue, it was a big fat tongue from a cow. What the fuck does something like that mean?

~~~

We're going to try to go see Santa tomorrow. Wish us luck!

~~~

For more Leftovers, stop by Danifred's.

Sigh

Yesterday was December 19; the day I imagine I would have delivered my miracle baby. As much as I try not to allow days like this to take their hold on me, this one was hard to shake. Oh to be snuggling a newborn, inhaling that new baby scent.

Today was December 20; the day Is.aac learned he will be officially laid off from his job of thirteen years as of December 31. I am beyond angry about all of it, as there were promises that this wouldn't happen. "Your job is secure until the end of 2014," they said earlier this month. Lies, all lies.

I think some would say that I should be grateful that I don't have a newborn baby to consider in the middle of all of this mess, that his layoff would be twice as devastating if we had to deal with me on maternity leave and him being out of work at the same time. They'd tell me that miscarrying that very wanted baby was part of a supreme being's plan...a blessing in disguise even.

I can't say those things though. I don't think I ever could say those things. To me, the timing of our due date and his lay off doesn't mean that not having one makes the other easier to digest. To the contrary, all they've done has made this week even shittier than it would have been otherwise.

~~~

It is the really big events like these that point out how different Is.aac and I process and deal with things. It is hard for me to understand where he goes in that head of his. He says little and shares his thoughts and emotions even less. It's isolating for me and ends up magnifying my stress tenfold. I need immediate action, even if that means simply processing (aloud so I'm included would be nice). He sits and reflects, quietly turning possibilities over in his mind all while I lose my own because he just. won't. talk.

~~~

I'm trying to put on a happy face for the boys. They are SO into the whole Christmas thing this year, loving it all--every discussion of Santa, crafts we've done, singing carols, finding that damn elf each morning, everything. Their anticipation is palpable, and I am enjoying watching them enjoy this season.

~~~

Sigh. I keep trying to tell myself that things will be okay. I went right to work calculating money scenarios. With unemployment, it will definitely be tighter, but it won't break us. It will, however, affect my mom (she is our childcare and we pay her), and that has me more than a little stressed. She does rely on watching the boys.

I'm also trying to remember that this is the push he needed to actually find a job that will pay him what he's worth. He was underpaid in his current job. His loyalty to them made him unwilling to really fight to be paid what he was worth. As unsettling as this is, I hope it will be a good thing once we are on the other side.

But right now, things suck quite a bit. Merry Christmas, right?

Friday Night Leftovers on Saturday Again

I think this is the longest stretch I've gone without posting. I started a post last weekend, but it never made it out of my drafts folder. Sigh. Three more days until vacation. Hoping that gives me back a bit of my sanity, and I can get back into the swing of things.

~~~

After weeks (months?) of Sh.awn doing well in school, they called us on Thursday to pick him up before the end of the school day. His regular aide was not there that day and there was apparently not an aide to replace her. (Don't get me started.)

Anyway, he had a woman they found off the street periodically helping him, but she had a heavy accent, was hard to understand, and didn't stay with him the entire time. Poor Sh.awn lost his shit. A second person they brought in to try to help him calm down was unsuccessful. So was his teacher. They called us to get him about an hour before the end of the day.

To say I was disheartened was an understatement. My poor boy. I felt so bad that he was so frustrated to the extreme that he was. :(

The teacher and I emailed back and forth and came up with a plan for the next day should his aide be out again. Is.aac also had gone in earlier than normal so he could go over some things with a replacement aide if there was one. (It's hard, because we don't know his aide will be gone until they arrive in the morning.) His teacher sent me this yesterday afternoon:

Shawn had a fantastic day today. (His aide) was out again, but we have done some problem solving on site to help with a change in aides. It was so helpful to have another site aide come into the room to give the sub aide a run down of how things worked. As a result, I was able to really focus on where Sh.awn needed to be and what academics he needed to work on with us. It's interesting because I'd say yesterday was one of the worst days, but today was one of his best!

Man, I am so thankful for this teacher. She is pretty amazing.

~~~

Academically, the boys are doing so well! Sh.awn is right where he should be and is sounding out words and reading simple books. He's understanding and doing well on the concepts they are working on in class. I am so proud of him!

Ja.son just about blew me away when he read Little Blue Truck to me Thursday night. I only helped him with a handful of words (words like "neigh" and "couldn't") as he read. Other than that, he rocked that book. Plus, he's decided that he must be the one to read me his homework directions for each page. He reads it all with little to no help, understands it, and applies what he's read. It has been awesome to see! When I told the teacher about Ja.son's reading the directions, I had to laugh at her response:

It is exciting news to hear Ja.son is reading directions. Just so you know, I often change the directions on our math work, so I'm taking this news as a warning that Ja.son will soon be working according to the directions, or he will be calling me out on the differences. Either way, it's a huge milestone, and I look forward to him figuring out the change!!!

Ha! It made me laugh. I can totally picture Ja.son telling her that she isn't doing the work "right."
~~~

I am slowly plugging away at my Christmas shopping. I think I have the boys mostly covered. Jack still needs a gift from Santa and the big boys need a shirt a piece. I think other than that, they are done.

I am struggling with what to get for Is.aac. If he doesn't figure out something different soon, he's going to get the old standby of clothes. It's not very exciting, but at least it's something, I guess.

~~~

We are in the middle of yet another round of Sick. This one seems to be on the milder side, thankfully, but I am freaking tired of all of this. I hate that they are constantly sick. Besides, I know it is just a matter of time before I succumb to the germs myself.

Blah.

~~~

I sent in my post for the Crème de la Crème. Yeah! Any guesses as to which one I sent?

~~~

Three more days of school until vacation. Then I am free until the 6th. I. can't. wait!

~~~

I finally got our Christmas cards! I love them! Now if they would only address and put themselves in envelopes, I would be in business.

~~~
Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Sunday Leftovers

So here we are in December. I swear it seems like time is flying.

~~~

We had a nice Thanksgiving. It was quiet and full of wonderful family and food.

Then I promptly got sick Friday night. I am only just feeling better this evening. I hope that I contained the germs as much as possible. The thought of the crew getting sick, too, makes me want to cry.

~~~

13 work day until my winter break. I cannot wait.

~~~

Sigh. It hit me that in some alternate universe I could be having a baby this month--the 19th would have been the exact gestation I was with Jack when I had him. I wanted so badly for it to be a different reality for us right now. :(

Stupid body.

~~~

Right after my miscarriage, one of the adult aides I work with told me she was pregnant and due the exact day I was due. (I think I mentioned it at the time?) It has been challenging to watch in real life time, mind you, a person's body changing the way you wanted to see your own body changing, but I managed the best I could. I thought I was doing okay with it even.

The facade lifted when she told me she was going out on maternity leave. I was (and am) SO relieved to not have to continue to watch the pregnancy progress any longer.

That is awful to admit, and I do feel guilty about it.

Still, it felt like salt being poured into my wounds every time I was around her.

~~~

I was issued an iPad through work. The idea is for the teachers to have a chance to become acquainted with them before they roll iPads out to the students sometime next year. (Still on the fence about this topic.)

My boys are in hog heaven. Now they BOTH can play with the iPads at the same time. It has been so nice. (Only educational games and only for 10-15 minutes a day if they earn it.)

I'm not sure that is what work had in mind when they issued them, though.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers! (I'll link when I get back to my computer.)

Weekend Leftovers

It's been a while since I've done some Leftovers! I didn't get to it on Friday, so my goal was to finish this post by the end of the weekend. Here we are at 9 pm on Sunday night. Mission complete! ;)

~~~

The boys have this week off for their fall break. I, however, have to work for the next two and a half days. Boo.

The good news is that for the last week I have managed to stay caught up in my grading. As of right now, I have absolutely nothing left to grade, and I have nothing planned that will require grading before my break. It feels glorious.

~~~

My work has undergone yet another change. My really good friend was sent on assignment to another school for the remainder of this year and next year. She was the one sane element to an insane administration, so having her leave has hit me on a multitude of levels. I am happy for her; she needed to get out of the toxic situation she was in and this will be so much healthier for her. But man, I'm sad for myself. :(

~~~

Is.aac's company was bought out and taken over this last week. It was not unexpected, though the details were kept very limited. To say he's been stressed would be the understatement of the year.

I don't know exactly how this will affect him and his job in the long run. I am hopeful that we'll not really see any major changes, but you just never know with this kind of thing. As much as I am trying to stay zen over it all, I am worried.

~~~

Being stressed sucks big fat donkey balls.

~~~

I started Christmas shopping. Let it be know that I started before Thanksgiving this year, which is a huge achievement when it happens. Go me!

~~~

Late last week we finally got an email about the questions I had over the IEPs. As I suspected, the school psych I sent my email to had no idea how to respond to my issues because no one has ever questioned their IEP in this way. (That's sad.) She sent my email off to the district office to ask. Of course, I've already dealt with the person at the district office and wasn't all that impressed by her, either. We shall see. If I don't like how they respond, I have the name and number of an advocate. That should make things interesting.

~~~

My boys have been full of the cute lately. Seriously. There's some attitude there, too, but it has mostly been cute. I like it. I hope it lasts!

~~~
Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Our First Parent Conferences

We had the boys' parent conferences on Thursday. I walked away loving their teacher even more than I did before.

Ja.son is proficient in all areas. She said he would be advanced, but the testing the are using at this stage of the game only measures minimum expectations. The next trimester's testing will include more advanced skills. The plan is to show mastery on the kinder sight words before winter break. She'll give me the first grade words/skills expectations then and we'll go from there. She fully expects Ja.son to even exceed the first grade skills at this rate. Whoa.

Sh.awn is basic (progressing toward proficiency) in about half the areas and proficient in the other half. For Sh.awn, it isn't exactly that he isn't "proficient" in all areas, but she's having a hard time formally evaluating him. He bores of the testing rather quickly, so that has made things a bit more challenging to assess. We agree that Sh.awn's academic skills are more along the average range, so I'm not at all worried about the "basic" results at this point. Our focus with Sh.awn will be to continue to acclimate him to the school setting so he'll be ready for the demands of first grade (he tires out about 30 minutes before the end of the half day at school and he still has some minimal behavior quirks we're working on), We both agree he is well on his way toward mastering the kinder skills he'll need to learn this year. Plus, I'll be working on the first grade skills with him when she sends the info home for Ja.son. But most importantly, she believes in Sh.awn and knows he is smart. I am happy with the plan for him, too.

It is obvious that she cares for my boys and wants to help them.

Just before the end of the conference, we got to talking about non conference things. She shared that she had difficult pregnancies herself. After losing her first pregnancy at 18 weeks, she went into preterm labor with her second pregnancy at 23 weeks. She came close to delivering several other times and went on 17 weeks of bed rest. Although she did ultimately deliver at term, she knows what it is like to have the neos come in to tell her the grim statistics for her baby if he were to be born early. For her third pregnancy, she had appointment after appointment with Dr. Doom, also. She had a cerclage at 18 weeks, more pre-term labor, and more bed rest. She delivered that boy at 39 weeks only to have him still end in up respiratory distress and need NICU time.

She gets it.

She's fighting so hard for my boys because she sees in my boys what life could have very well have been for her own boys.

I am so very grateful the universe put this woman in our path. It was just on the off chance that someone mentioned we could move schools to be closer to the therapy unit the boys attend. We found out by accident when it was time to complete the paperwork to move. Then the boys were first put into first grade classes, which meant the straight kinder classes were full and they only had space in this teacher's class. There was so much drama just trying to get them into kinder, and yet, it was like everything aligned for her to be the boys' teacher.

This woman who continues to send me updates like this:

Good Morning,
Before I forget...

1. We went to explore the computer lab yesterday. BOTH boys put on headphones to practice using the computer. We will be going regularly after break so I'm optimistic this will be an exciting time.

2. Layla and Ja.son have made plans to meet for Christmas caroling. At the end of the day yesterday, they had quite the conversation about missing each other and things of that nature. He then thanked her for the invitation to her house. Too cute!

3. Sh.awn helped me pass out Friday work! He called the kids' names for me. It ranks high on the list for times he has connected so completely with us. The kids enjoyed having him call their names and waited patiently for their turn. Again, too cute!

has been a godsend. I know not many teachers will commit and follow through with this kind of communication to a parent. For weeks, she sent me daily emails about the boys. While she doesn't need to email daily anymore, she still sends me updates about successes (or trials on those occasions) at least once a week.

So thank you, universe, for giving us this lucky break. Thank you for knowing we needed it even though we didn't know we needed it. I know our reality right now would be so different than what it is had she not been their teacher.

Now, what do I do for her for Christmas?!

Kindergarten Drama

For once, it's the innocent kind.

At drop off today, the boys' teacher told Is.aac she had to have a talk with the class about not kissing at school. The new directive is that "we only kiss our family." 

Why you ask?

Because Layla, a little girl who seems to be Ja.son's biggest fan (his words, not mine), was kissing on my boy at recess, of course.

I'm dying here! Lol!

Apparently it was all very innocent, and Layla was heartbroken that she had "broken" a school rule.

Ja.son, on the other hand, had no idea why the teacher talked to them at all. I asked him if anyone was kissing at school. "Mom, that's silly." was his reply. He's such a clueless boy!

"Do we kiss anyone at school, Jay?"

"We only kiss family."

Lol. I suppose it will be interesting when my boys start kissing each other. Hey, they're family, so it's allowed! I bet the teacher hadn't considered that one.

~~~

I had to laugh when Is.aac sent me a text later in the day bemoaning the fact that he had passed on his school boy curse to his children. He had a rough time in elementary school himself because all the little girls would stake their claim and harass him. "You know, Stac, those little girls can't resist the (our last name) looks and charm." LOL.
 

All the Time

Someone on a message board I frequent asked the other day if we ever wondered how our kids would be had they not been born prematurely. Three words immediately ran through my mind.

All. The. Time.

Lately, I've been thinking about it all the time. How can I not when we deal with the lasting effects of their prematurity every single day?

~~~

Maybe this issue is so prominent on my mind right now because I feel the enormous weight of trying to be the best advocate I can for the boys. I owe it to them, not just because I am their mom and I love them with all my being, but because it is the least I can do for them.

I haven't signed the boys' IEPs yet. They are here, sitting on our kitchen table. All they need is the stroke of a pen, but I can't bring myself to actually write my name on the indicated line.

I am generally okay with the services they are offering for the boys. Right now it's a fine line between providing adequate services while not detracting from their educational school day.

 

I am, however, still uncomfortable with one of the report summaries and the testing results for Sh.awn. I strongly feel that the results are wildly inaccurate, and I am very uncomfortable allowing that report to become a part of his permanent record. I also feel that there was a gross misunderstanding of Sh.awn's hydrocephalus diagnosis reflected in her summary. I know full well that our decisions will lay their educational foundation for many years to come.

 

So I called the person out on it. I wrote her a letter detailing our (mostly my but Is.aac is definitely supporting my thoughts) concerns. 

 

There has not yet been a reply.

 

My gut is telling me that we need to be very cautious about what information we allow into Sh.awn and Ja.son's educational records. 

 

So I guess it's no surprise I can't shake the thought of just how different things would be for them if they hadn't been born 12 weeks too early.

~~~

How would things be different for my boys? How would we be different as a family? How would I be different? I know there isn't really any answer to those questions. I also know my mind has romanticized how wonderfully "normal" life would be for us had things gone perfectly.

On the message board, person after person commented that they often think about how life would be different had their families not been affected by prematurity. It was comforting for me to read.

Proud

I have more to say on this topic, but I am trying to finish my grades (I hate grading!) and time is limited tonight. I did still want to commemorate the day, though. I decided it was better to cross post than to wait until tomorrow.

It's no secret that I feel strongly about prematurity and its lasting effects for my family. For as much as their early birth has altered the reality we envisioned we'd live as parents, I am so unbelievably proud of my boys...of us for surviving.

For thriving.

I guess the one good thing prematurity has brought to us is tangible proof of just how strong and determined my crew can be.

Boy are we determined. ;)

~~~

November 17 is World Prematurity Day.

It's a day to think about the global issue of prematurity and the one in eight children born too soon.

For me, it's a day to marvel at my two preemie miracles.

Ja.son (left) and Sh.awn (right)

A time to think of how far they've come since their very early arrival.

Ja.son (twin B)

Sh.awn (twin A)

A time to imagine just how much further they will go.

Showing some love on their birthday.

Look out world. These boys are going to take you by storm. I know that much!

If you're interested, here's last year's post for World Prematurity Day that was posted on the boys' blog. I have to say it has some really sweet pictures of our two little heroes. :)

Trying to Get Over It

Each day I let myself stay in the quiet, it gets harder to speak. I get comfortable with the uncomfortable feeling of holding things in. Eventually, it feels like I really have nothing to say anyway.

I forget that the bottleneck of emotion is eased when I allow myself the outlet. Sigh.

It's been over two weeks since I've written anything here. I've tried, too. It's time to make myself get over it.

~~~

I have a lot on my plate right now, and I'm not sure I am handling things as well as I could--as maybe I should.

~~~

I got a compliment about my parenting the other day. Sadly, all I could think about was how the person didn't really know all that I'm not doing. Sure, it looks like I've got a handle on that particular area, but what about all of the other areas? I am the master at beating myself up for my own lack of perfection, even though I know full well that perfection isn't possible.

~~~

We got our pictures back today.

I think they came out pretty nice. It's damn hard to get three boys to look at the camera and smile all at the same time, especially when Jack wasn't interested in the whole picture scene at all. I'm relieved we got some good ones after all. :)

~~~

We are now the owners of two disabled parking placards. My mom uses one to pick up the boys from school every day. I couldn't bring myself to use the other one until this last weekend.

Um, yeah.

I'm still not sure how I feel about all of that.

When We Do Things, We Go All Out

So how many people do you need at a kindergarten IEP meeting times two? Let's see...

1) Kinder teacher (for S and J)
2) principal (for S)
3) vice principal (for S and J)
4) psych (for S and J)
5) OT (for S and J)
6) PT (I have dubbed her Bitch 2. Ahem. for S and J)
7) Speech (for S)
8) Vision specialist (ended up being worthless - for S)
9) Resource Teacher (who will take over as case manager - for S and J)
10) Behavior Specialist (for S)
11) Behavior specialist's administrator (to write the behavior goal - which he's already met, but we're leaving for the year just in case - for S)
12) nurse (Behold Bitch 1. Double Ahem - for S and J)
13) district special ed coordinator (for S and J)
14) OI specialist (from district level - for S and J)
15) some other lady who I can't even remember and I'm too tired to go look - she was district level, though. Not sure how. The district was totally out of compliance in a big way, so she was making sure they stayed in compliance now. (for S and J)
16) my husband
17) me

It was INSANE.

INSANE.

Total meeting time for both was 3.5 hours. Sh.awn's was at least 2.5 hours. Maybe more. Ja.son's was under an hour, I know for sure.

I tell you, when we do things, we go all out. There's no half-assing it around these parts, no sir.

Sigh.

There was so much info, and while I'd say overall it was okay I guess, there were some things that are bugging me and I'll need to address. Some of the assessments were done when Sh.awn was struggling so much and are basically invalid (and wrong in some cases) in my opinion. I still have to figure out how I want to handle that.

 

I think they are well intentioned for the most part. The principal redeemed herself somewhat. They are going to make actual modifications to the kinder room (new faucet and adaptor for the toilet) to allow Ja.son to be completely independent. Two, the nurse and PT, did piss me off, however, so they are in my watch list. I asked Is.aac if he got the same vibe from them, and he agreed that they were just plain bitchy. I may have got a bit sarcastic and said that perhaps his father and I have a better understanding of our own child than they did and to back the fuck off. You know, minus the fuck part because I know how to be civil.

 

The thing that upsets me most is that he was assessed at the start of the school year when he was having all kinds of behavior issues. That reflected in him not cooperating in some of the big testing (IQ for one). Sigh. He is a different kid in school now, so they'd get a totally different picture of what he is capable of doing if they did the testing now. In fact, they had to rewrite just about every goal they came prepared to offer because he'd already reached them or was just about to all on his own just since school started. (which...um, underestimate my boy much?)
 

We didn't sign anything yet. (They practically crapped their pants when I told them we'd not sign and were taking it home to discuss in private. lol) We'll get our copies tomorrow (they had computer issues and the program kept freezing). Is.aac and I will take the weekend to talk it out with each other and see if there is anything we'd like to tweak.

Sigh.

I'm exhausted. My brain has been fried.

 

Oh, I am not proofing this, so forgive whatever errors you see.

IEP Tomorrow

Our IEP meeting is tomorrow.

I'm overthinking it, I know, but duuuuudddeee. No one wants to go into a meeting to hear about her children's shortcomings. It just plain sucks.

I want to go in there and be pleasantly surprised about how supportive everyone is. I want to hear how they think my kids are awesome and how they can't wait to get started helping them achieve and thrive at school.

I suspect that it won't go that way. I'm 85% certain that I'll have to fight. I'm not feeling like I am at the top of my game so having a fight ahead of me is just overwhelming.

I'll just have to see how it all plays out.

I hate not knowing. Sigh.

Is.aac and I have talked; the plan is set. We'll go in with me being bad cop, and him as good cop. (He's the one who will have more contact with them with drop off, etc.) We have a signal to let the other know our thoughts without saying.

Sometimes I wish I drank alcohol. This would be one of those times when I could use it.

They're SIX!

Today my boys turn six years old. It's unbelievable, really. It seems like just yesterday they were born.

~~~

Goodbye to FIVE, the year of:

• Starting school
• the never ending Sick
• 5 lost teeth and visits from the Tooth Fairy
• playing in the mud, dirt, and sand
• swimming therapy
• learning to read and write
• crafts
• trips to Disney, Sea World, hotels, and the zoo
• big boy beds
• finally putting those pull-ups behind us
• disabled parking placards
• hugs and kisses,
• and so much more!

Five, oh five...this has been a magical year.

 

 

Happy Birthday, Shawn and Jason!

I can't wait to see what year six has in store for you ... and us!

Friday Night Leftovers

Still feeling like I am just seconds away from drowning, but I'm hanging in there.

~~~

The big boys' birthday is Sunday.

Holy shit.

How could they be so close to six years old?

~~~

School is still chugging along for the boys. I think I have a major crush on the boys' teacher. How could I not when she emails me paragraphs every single night? This is part of tonight's email:

"Sh.awn also had a great day. He sat with me for a couple math assessments and was pulled for a vision test (successful & done!). One assessment was writing his numbers 1-10. He said the numbers but wasn't really trying for form of any kind. I'm hopeful we can gain writing support or ideas from the IEP. We continue to see progress so new goals arise and the bar is raised yet again. Now that work is a common occurrence, we will work on improving quality and neatness. If there is any phrasing you use at home to prime him with this in mind, let me know. We can use the same wording since that will make it easier for him. (FYI: We have been aware for some time that he rushes through things to get the reward. I expect some immediate improvements in neatness once we address this.)"

Emails she sends are both updates and problem solving requests, and I really feel like she is going above and beyond to try to help Sh.awn be successful. The big problem now has become his fine motor skills. He can and does write at home with my support (basically I weight his pencil down and make him do the work of forming letters), but now they have moved on to having him form the letters/numbers on his own without the extra "weight" at school because we know he can do it. He's not buying into that idea, though.

~~~

Speaking of IEPs, it's Tuesday. I'm sort of freaking out. I haven't been given any reports or anything about what will be brought up at the meeting, either. I don't exactly like the idea of not knowing what I'm heading into.

I was told by our therapists that the district PT is going to try to say that her providing therapy to the boys while they are at school is a duplication of services and deny it. There's one fight I've got ahead of me.

~~~


I burned my arm on my hair straightener last week. It was really bad, probably the worst burn I've had. Ouch.

~~~

The boys are getting over yet another round of Sick. This one has been especially fun as it had a bit of every bodily malfunction all rolled into one.

I'm totally traumatized. Let me just say diarrhea for a nearly 6 year old child who has difficulty getting on the toilet without help is NOT FUN...for either of us.

For the sake of oversharing, you're welcome, I had to sanitize floors, tub, toilet, clothes and throw away undies because there was no way I'd be able to put them on the boys ever again. Then I daydreamed about bathing in a tub of bleach, only it couldn't be our tub because I don't think I could ever be okay with our tub ever again after what I witnessed in that thing--sanitized or not!

Did I say traumatized? Duuuuudddeee.

Apparently crap like that is my Achilles heel.

Plus, all I could think about while I was cleaning up never ending shit was all of my hangnails and the burn on my arm that I had just left uncovered. My overactive imagination was having a field day with the idea of impending infection.

~~~

I ran out of deodorant this morning. I had to use Is.aac's because there was no way I could make it through the day sans odor control. I can't decide if I am repulsed by having to use someone else's speed stick, or if it is really no big deal. I think the best bet is to not think about it...and get to the store.

~~~

Look at my tough boy with his brother's Dora the Explorer undies on his head.

What you lookin' at?

God, I love that boy.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

October

Dare I say that things are settling?

In a good way even.

Both the boys are finally doing well in school. My own classes have found their rhythm and are plugging along in a way that makes me feel good. If it weren't for yet another round of the SICK--seriously this is like the 9th cold they've had since school started, and I'd even say that this might be the worst one yet--I'd say that things are going smoothly at home, too.

I should have been starting to relax now that things have found their grooves. For some reason, though, I was in an even higher state of alert than I was at the end of summer.

I didn't want to write. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to be by myself, and it is taking a LOT of self talk to get out and do what needs to be done. While I am an introvert by nature, I never really had trouble doing things when something came up, so this was different. The way I've been feeling has been really off; I just couldn't understand what my problem was.

Then yesterday, it hit me.

This is the month. I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner.

~~~

Six years ago yesterday, I was admitted to the hospital where I'd spend the next 8 days desperately clinging to the hope I would remain pregnant for a long time to come.

Never once did I think about the calendar or the dates this year. The countdown to the boys' birth, which was always upfront in my mind in past years, never even occurred to me.

Interestingly, although my mind tried to "forget" that time, my body knew. I had a very visceral physical reaction, one that makes me wonder if I'll be okay this time of year ever again.

Will I ever really be able to avoid the punch to the gut this time of year brings? 

Sigh.

~~~

While a lot of that time has slipped into the recesses of my mind (thankfully), there are some things that are still fresh in my memory. I can't tell you any more who the nurses were, but I can tell you what the soap smells like and that it burned my raw and cracked hands every time I used it. I can't tell you about much of the other things I did daily for those 100 days, but I know the exact number of tile squares there are from the hospital door to the first elevator (238). I look at some pictures from that time and don't remember taking them, have no clue the context around what is shown, but it's been six years and I still have occasional moments when I'm haunted by flashes of fear and confusion that time held.

~~~

A week from today the boys will be six. They've been counting down for months; their excitement is almost uncontainable at this point. We have a quiet family celebration planned on Saturday. We're going to the zoo on their actual day. It will be a good weekend, I'm sure.

They're good.

I'm even good...mostly.


There's so much good on which to focus. Really there is. That's what I intend to start doing.

A Blog Award Part 1

I started this two days before the boys started school. Sigh. It's been crazy.

Several days months ago, I received the Leibster Award from a fellow preemie blogger, Handpicked Miracle. Thank you so much, P. I can honestly say it has been years since I've received a blogging award. :) If you haven't read P's blog, you should. She writes about life with her amazing micro preemie. Her posts are always thoughtful and so heartfelt!

The Leibster Award is for bloggers with less than 200 followers.

Nominees are supposed to:

1. answer the questions set for us and link back to P‘s blog

2. share 11 random facts about themselves

3. nominate 5-11 other blogs

4. create 11 questions for them to answer

5. tell them they’ve been nominated.

 

It all seems easy enough, so I thought tonight is a great chance to take my mind off of things.

~~~P's questions for me:

1. What is one place other than where you live now that you would love to live?

I really love living in California. The weather is great, and it is so beautiful. If I couldn't live where I currently live, I think I would just move down the coast to San Diego. I go there fairly regularly for meetings and just love it there.

 

2. What is your favorite quote?

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are." ~Aurelius Augustine; St. Augustine of Hippo (13 November 354 – 20 August 430)

 

3. What is your favorite/most profound lesson that your preemie(s) have taught you?

This one is hard for me as I continue to learn lessons from my guys. I think at the moment, it has to be that you must be your own (or your children's as the case may be) advocate to ensure you get the medical/therapeutic/educational care you deserve.

I was not one to make waves in my pre-children life. I had definite ideas, but I wouldn't necessarily contradict (verbally at least) what someone else said. I guess I never really felt there was a need to speak my mind in that way. With these guys, though, I've found that I will fight you until I can fight no more should the need arise. I can be a pretty formidable foe when I have to be.

There's a power in knowing you can do what needs to be done, as exhausting and exasperating (to deal with people) as it can be. It's my one way of taking control in something that is so uncontrollable.

 

4. If you could only eat one vegetable for the rest of your life what would it be?

Broccoli. I love it. Of course, those around me don't always love my love for broccoli. Ahem. lol.

 

5. What was your most favorite vacation to date?

I think to date, my favorite vacation would be our latest trip to Disneyland with the boys. It really was great to have us all together and having fun. My favorite non-child trip would be the cruise Is.aac and I took to the Bahamas approximately 10 years ago. It was such a beautiful place and so, so relaxing.

 

6. If any animal could be domesticated safely, what would you want as a pet?

With my allergies acting the way they are, I think I am safer just looking at pictures. I'd be a sneezy, hivy mess if it had fur. I'd be creeped out if it didn't have hair. It would be a no win situation.

 

7. What book can you read over and over without getting tired of it?

One of the first books I fell in love with was Where the Red Fern Grows. My teacher read it to us every day after lunch my fourth grade year. I loved the book, and I loved the way she read it to us. (I can vividly remember the entire room, students and teacher alike, crying at one point.) It now holds a pretty high place on my favorite books ever list, so much so that I try to convince all of my eighth graders to read it.

 

8. What was the last movie you saw in the theater?

Good grief. I almost can't remember the last time we went to the movies. I think it was one of the Harry Potter movies-maybe number 4? I don't know. That's pretty sad, isn't it?

 

9. How would you describe your fashion style?

I am a comfortable/casual kind of girl. I live my life in my jeans, t-shirts, and sweatshirts. For work, you can find me in Dockers and dressier t-shirts. I do own a dress or two, but I don't really get the opportunity to wear them. Thankfully, I'm okay with that!

 

10. What sound irritates you?

I can handle pretty much any sound until it is repeated. The same sound over and over again will drive me insane. It really doesn't matter what the sound is, either.

 

11. What is your favorite holiday?

I love Christmas. I love the anticipation and the decoration and the gift giving. I love thinking about what people would like to have as gifts and buying for others. Receiving thoughtful presents isn't all that bad either. ;)

 

~~~11 random facts about me

1. I have had dark brown hair for months now, but I still sometimes startle myself when I look in the mirror. I am waffling back and forth on whether I want to just go back to blond. We take family pictures in just over two weeks. I need to decide which way I want to go before then.
2. I am not very organized. I just do a good job making it seem like I am.
3. I love my bed. I could stay in bed all day long and be perfectly happy.
4. I am great at starting things. I am not so great at finishing them. Just look at the kitchen remodel we started while I was pregnant with the big boys. The major stuff is completed, it's just all of the little finishes that I can't bring myself to do.
5. I love corn on the cob, but I never eat it. I hate the way it feels when the kernels get stuck in my teeth. I've tried cutting the corn off the cob, but it just isn't the same.
6. My legs are longer than Is.aac's, but he is several inches taller than I am. For some reason, that fascinates me.
7. If I had it to do over again, I think I'd rather teach math instead of what I do.
8. If I had to choose another career all together, I think I'd go into nursing. I think I'd like to be a NICU nurse.
9. I am a horrible procrastinator. Seriously. Horrible. I think too much if I do things early. Waiting until the last moment solves that problem.
10. I think I'm one of the few adults around here that does not drink coffee. I don't like the way it tastes. Even at places like Starbucks or Coffee Bean, I drink the non coffee blended drinks or hot chocolate. I am guilty of drinking Pepsi for my caffeine fix.
11. I can use my toes to pinch, pick up things, and even turn things off/push buttons. It freaks my husband out. lol. Is.aac just about had a cow when he saw Jack can do it, too. I suspect that the big boys would have also had the same ability.

 ~~~Blog Nominations

It seems I am a little (or a lot) behind the times here. Many of the blogs I would have nominated have already received this award or don't qualify because they have too many readers.

1. KJ
2. Tracey
3. Amber
4. Carrie
5. Cathy
6. And you there. Yes, you there. If you are here and you haven't received this award yet, consider yourself nominated. Shoot, I would even love it if you answered some of my questions in the comment section, I'd love to read your answers. (hint, hint)

~~~11 Questions

1. What is one of your hidden talents?
2. If you could do anything you wanted, what would that thing be?
3. What is one thing you wouldn't be caught dead without?
4. How long have you been blogging? Why did you start?
5. If you could change an aspect of your life or self, would you? Why or why not?
6. You found a $100 bill and can do anything you want with it. What would you do?
7. What is your favorite television show?
8. What do you like to do in your free time (assuming you have some)?
9. What do you splurge on for yourself?
10. What are your "can't miss" blogs to read?
11. What is one thing you really love about yourself?

Weekend Leftovers

We went to the pumpkin patch today. We had a lot of fun finding pumpkins and playing in the dirt. Ja.son did an amazing job and even used only his walker as his mode of transportation while we were there. That is pretty huge for him!

~~~

Apparently Ja.son missed two "low tones" on the hearing screen they did at school.  I do question the results, simply because the boy can hear an airplane flying overhead before anyone else can, is able to hear garbage trucks collecting garbage a good 5-10 minutes before they arrive on our street to collect our trash, and knows exactly when the dryer buzzer dings even though it is located in the garage. I guess my point is that his hearing is very sensitive in what seems to be varied ranges. So... I suppose this means yet another doctor appointment to get the all clear. (Of course, they tested him on a day of Santa Ana's, which meant he did have some allergy issues that day.)

~~~

As if that wasn't fun enough, Sh.awn tried to bite his aide on Friday. they painted fall trees at school that day. They were using green for the grass and red/yellow/orange for the leaves. Sh.awn became upset when his aide told him green was only for the grass. He tried to bite her arm. She told him that was not okay, and he proceeded to hit her 2 or 3 times. Fun times and just when things were going so much better.

For the record, Sh.awn hasn't ever had a problem with biting. Why now? Sigh.

~~~

I decided to keep the boys' school pictures. They've grown on me. The only thing I wish we could change is that those pictures are the ones they'll use for the boys' class picture, too. I'll have to see if they'll let us retake the pictures for that even if we don't turn in the original pictures.

That means I needed to find something else to do for Christmas card pictures. I booked us a photography shoot the first weekend of November. Now I have to figure out something for us all to wear.

~~~

I ordered the boys' costumes. We'll have a firefighter, a doctor, and a robot. They should look so cute!

~~~

Pink concert this weekend. I'm getting excited!

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

You Just Have to Laugh

Sh.awn had another great day. Let's keep marking those days off...only 8 more months to go.

~~~

(Cross posted with the boys' blog because how could I not share this here?)

Remember our picture day escapades? The ones in which attempt number one was a flop and day two, while successful in that pictures were actually taken, was not a whole lot better?

Well, we got the pictures today. I was so excited to see them; I could barely contain myself.

I rushed home after work, pulled out the pictures and saw Sh.awn.

He's got that side eyed look of someone not too sure of who he's looking at. His right eyebrow is slightly raised as if to punctuate the whole "Who the heck are you?" question. I don't know. Maybe the question is "What am I doing here?" Either way, he looks a tad bit confused about the whole thing. While my original assessment was that it wasn't the best picture of Sh.awn (by any stretch of the word), it was at least understandable once you consider the story behind it.

I chuckled to myself as I put his packet aside and pulled out Ja.son's packet.

I was rewarded with this gem. I laughed out loud again because, well, look at it.

The poor guy--his look is a cross between a half attempt at a nervous smile and the terrified, wide-eyed look of a guy with a demented creature knocking at his door. Ja.son's own words were, "What's wrong with me?" I told him I didn't know. We spent the next five minutes trying to get him to mimic that lip curl he's got going there. Of course HE COULDN'T DO IT!

Is.aac kept walking around saying that Ja.son's picture reminds him of someone. He finally figured out who a few minutes ago. You ready for this? He thinks Ja.son looks a lot like Debbie Downer. OMG. I nearly died.

Sigh. These kids of mine are quite the pair.

I'm torn on whether I should tempt fate for a third time (although it is supposed to be a charm) and try to get a better shot of each or just call it a day and go with these.

What do you think? ;-)

Friday Night Leftovers on Saturday Again

For the third year in a row, I stamped the boys' handprints. There is just something about their hands that fascinates me.


Shawn, Jason, and Jack (left to right)
September 28, 2013

Can you believe how big Jack's hands are?

~~~

We celebrated my mom's and Is.aac's birthdays today. We had a nice dinner and had cake and ice cream. It was really nice.

I got Is.aac a beef jerky of the month membership. You'd have thought I gave him a million dollars. I think he liked it.

My mom got him a food dehydrator so he can also make his own beef jerky. He's in the kitchen cutting up and marinating meat so he can make it tomorrow. I think the man may have a beef jerky problem. lol

~~~

October is going to be pretty fun. I'm not usually a big planner, but this month I've got a Pink concert, a run or dye 5k, and the boys' birthday. Exciting stuff!

~~~

Both big boys woke up with runny noses today. Jason complained his throat was bothering him tonight.

Le sigh.

~~~

Oh, I have to record this gem somewhere. This afternoon, Sh.awn peed his pants. (I don't know why. Maybe because he's sick?) Anyway, I was angry and yelled at him. "Why did you pee in  your pants, Sh.awn?"

His reply?

He said, "It's my day off!"

WTF? It's his day off so he can pee wherever he wants? Sigh. I told him that he doesn't get "a day off" from peeing in the toilet.

I swear it's moments like that that make me think they are trying to drive me crazy!

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Could It Be?

He finished the week with glowing reports every single day. I am wildly proud of him. He has tried so HARD every day and is giving school all he's got. They're finally seeing it.

Dare I hope?

It has been a long six weeks, you guys.

I'm relieved and anxious and happy and afraid all rolled into one. What if this is only a temporary thing? We are not to the point that I can let down my guard, but maybe I'll get to that point soon.

Hopefully?

This weekend we are going to focus on celebrating the successful week. Sh.awn, and the rest of us for that matter, has earned it.

 

SO Hard to Be This Helpless

I can not tell you how incredibly hard it is to know so solidly in your heart that your child is smart and amazing while watching people at his school scramble.

To know what they are likely thinking.

To feel so helpless to do anything about it except continue to fight until they see what I see...what I know.

He is capable. He just isn't showing them he can do it at school. I can't blame him. It's easier not to, right? Plus he's always been so astute at reading people. He knows when people don't expect much from him.

I am not exaggerating when I say every adult in the school knows about my boy. I don't fool myself into believing that is because he's so damn cute.

The boys' teacher emails me updates every day. We've been going back and forth with ideas on how to best help Sh.awn figure out this new world of school for weeks now.

That's translated to the teacher (and aide #4) tweaking things daily, trying to see what works and what doesn't.

We had a break through on Monday, his teacher and I. She put it into action on Tuesday.

That has brought two amazing days in a row for Sh.awn. He's done more work in school in the last two days than he's done the entire school year thus far.

Now they finally see what I've been telling them all along.

Dare I hope that we have turned the corner?

Oh please let it be so.

Noise

I'm here.

There are things I could discuss, I guess, but I swear my life now revolves around the boys' school and my work.

I just don't want to talk about all of that.

Things are a bit better in some ways. They're not in a lot of ways. It's all become a slow, tedious process that may just drive me insane.

That translates to a constant, never-ending nagging of frustrations and worries that I am struggling to escape. At the same time, I can't bring myself to put the thoughts into actual words, even when I know that would likely calm the roar of my brain.

There's just too much noise. Sigh.

Friday Night Leftovers on Saturday

School, oh school.

I have such a love/hate relationship with it right now. Sigh.

Monday morning I sent an email to the principal discussing what her conversation implied to me. She responded immediately and apologized profusely. No, no, that wasn't what she meant, she actually loved the student she compared Sh.awn to, but after some reflection on the conversation, she agreed that it would be easy to misconstrue what she meant. Whatever. I needed her to understand that it wasn't okay with me, which she knows. I have record of what happened. She apologized. I have to put it all behind me or I will go crazy.

Last weekend was spent emailing the boys' teacher. That went better than I anticipated after her first email, and in the end, really helped Sh.awn in a few key ways. Score. He had a stellar day on Monday and an even better day on Tuesday. We were on a roll! I was so excited. It all came to a screeching halt on Wednesday when both he and Ja.son got sick complete with fevers and vomiting/diarrhea. Then Jack got sick. Fun times. Ja.son was out Wednesday and Thursday. Sh.awn missed the rest of the week. Now I fear we'll have to start back at the beginning.

~~~

Somehow I managed to forget to pay bills last month. Stressed much? Who me?

~~~

I had to complete U.S. Census Bureau questionnaire this evening. I don't know why our family always gets selected for these stupid things, but I am so over it. Lost a half an hour to clicking on buttons and telling the government more than I want them to know about my life. Gives me the willies.

~~~

The blahs are hanging around. Still struggling getting out of my head. I open my laptop to write and stare at a blank screen. It doesn't take long before I just give up. :(

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Makes Me Sick to My Stomach

More school woes.

Our transition to kinder this year has been far from smooth, and frankly, this just takes the cake for completely inappropriate behavior. I am insanely angry about something that was said to my mom by the principal one day during pick-up this week.

Sh.awn is having a hard time in kinder. He's been acting out and overwhelmed with what is happening at school. To be fair to him, he's had 4 aides over the last 12 days* (two days of which he missed because he was sick). Adding that to the whole new situation of school, and it is no wonder he is struggling.

Anyway, during pick-up, the principal walked over to my mom and told her that she had a former student who looks just like Sh.awn. She wanted to show my mom the boy's picture. My mom was trying to get my boys in a fairly chaotic hallway and sort of mumbled a reply. The principal left and came back with a picture of a boy who was maybe 10 or 11 years old who had Down's Syndrome. The principal then went on and on about how much the two looked alike. My mom felt the only resemblance the two had was maybe their dark hair.

The only conclusion I can come up with as a reason she would show my mom such a picture is if the principal feels Sh.awn is mentally disabled. While we may find learning disabilities, he is by no means mentally disabled. I am majorly upset and highly insulted that this principal would say something like this.

I wrote her a letter because I think it is important that I let her know that this was by no means okay. Plus, I wanted documentation that the event occurred. It was hard, but I even think I succeeded in taking out most of the anger.

But still. Seriously? Why would anyone think something like that was okay to say or do?

Sigh. I just don't know what I am going to do about our school situation. It is bad and just doesn't seem to be getting better. The whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach.

*The school district had not hired an aide for Sh.awn until the first day of school. When school started, they had a temporary aide who was working with him and a few other kids at the same time for the first two or three days. The principal "helped" out with Sh.awn while that aide was with the other students. Then he was assigned a temporary full time aide. He was given a third aide who was ineffective. Now we have an aide who I assume will be here for the long haul. She's been with Shawn for three days. It has been a nightmare.

 

It's On

We got our first email from the teacher today.

On a Saturday afternoon. Yeah.

Saturday letters are not a good sign.

They're well thought out and filled with carefully chosen words asking about how he behaves at home and if we think school is too over stimulating for him.

My response was well thought out, too. It was also filled with carefully chosen words about my thoughts on the matter. I have plenty of thoughts, oh yes I do.

Sigh.

I've done my crying over it. (for the time being at least) Now I'm just plain angry.

As much as it pisses me off that I have to do this, I am rolling up my sleeves.

Bring it, school.

It's on.

Le Sigh

Friday night, I tested. My boobs were sore, and it struck me that the last time my boobs were sore, I was pregnant.

I got the faintest of faint lines. It got a little darker the rest of the weekend. Hope crept back in.

I didn't test yesterday...everyone is sick, so I didn't really have a chance. I had run out of tests anyway.

I don't know if you can see it here, but there
were definite lines. This one was from Saturday.

 

Today I started bleeding while I was in the middle of class. Oh, that was all kinds of fun.

 

Sigh.

 

~~~

 

For what it's worth, the meeting went fine at the boys' school today. We initiated testing for the boys. (Ja.son just OT/PT. Sh.awn is getting the whole shebang as far as testing goes. It feels awful to see all those boxes detailing the different areas to be tested checked, let me just say.) We'll have IEP's in place for both within 60 days.

 

It's been a day.

The Blahs

You know how when you get overwhelmed with life and you just can't seem to come up with the words to purge your brain of all the insanity? I'm in one of those phases right now. There's so much to talk about, but I'm just struggling to actually write it all out. Clearly I'm having the blahs.

School for Sh.awn is better in some ways, not better in others. It is obvious that the school is completely unprepared to deal with kids in walkers/with different needs in the regular classroom. That makes me very nervous.

We have an SST meeting with everyone on Tuesday. I have this feeling I'm going to have to take out my claws and start fighting. Again.

I'm so tired of fighting all the time.

~~~

Here's a sweet story the teacher told Is.aac on Friday. Ja.son asked if he could collect the papers from his table group in class. As he handed them all to his teacher, he very proudly said, "This is the best day ever!" and gave her a kiss on the arm. His teacher said it was one of the sweetest things that had happened to her in a long time.

Meanwhile, Mr. Sh.awn thinks school is for talking to people. He can't understand why the teacher won't answer all his (unending) questions. He thinks that his hand up in the air means he should have an immediate response from his teacher, and boy does it make him mad when he doesn't get that!