Microblog Monday

While researching something unrelated, I stumbled across information on ADHD. I read the symptoms, and I swear I could check every single indicator off for one of my boys.

Every single one.

My mind was blown. After even more research I am kind of kicking myself for not seeing the signs sooner than this.

• Preemies have a higher instance of ADD/ADHD than the general population.
• Kids who have had anesthesia have a higher instance of ADD/ADHD.
• ADD/ADHD is more common for kids with Cerebral Palsy than it is for the general population.

So I took him to the pediatrician. And then I took him to the child psych. And now he is on medication.

What he is taking is an extremely low dose at the moment, but although we are already seeing a huge change so far, I expect we will likely need to up the dose within the next few weeks.

He needs this medication; I know he does, and if I had any doubts, they would have been erased after watching him since he started his meds. Yet, while I believe firmly that this is the right thing to do for him, I have to admit that it still feels crappy to have to do it.

As it is, he doesn't really know what is going on. I can sprinkle his meds on a bite of food, so he truly has no idea that he is actually taking something. Ethically, I know he has the right to know on a level appropriate for his 6 year old mind that he is taking medication, and I do plan on telling him that he's taking something and why. I'm not sure of when that will be though. I'm in the watch and wait mode right now.

It's hard not to second guess yourself as a parent when you are making these life altering decisions for your kids. I am trying to remind myself that I can only do my best, but man. This parenting gig is not for the faint of heart.

Microblog Monday

It's been a week (or ten) of more fighting with the insurance company. Seriously, I am at the point that I am over HMOs, especially this one. (It rhymes with "miser" if you're curious.) I have had more issues with this insurance company in the last two months than I have EVER had with insurance, and that means a lot when you consider how often we've dealt with doctors and insurance. Sigh.

For several nights this weekend I repeatedly dreamt I was locked in a hospital. Sometimes the boys were with me. Sometimes I was alone. Doctors, nurses, and even patients were everywhere, but when I asked for help I was ignored by them all. I tried whatever I could -- I screamed. I begged. No one would help me. I had to resort to whatever I could to escape...

although I always did escape. That's the thing I'm holding on to from this. I may have taken a few people down in my passing, but I made it out of that dream hospital every time.

Got to love the beauty of thinly veiled reflections on current struggles. I shall take it as a sign that I will prevail in real life, too. (It should be noted that I am prevailing, I guess. It is just taking a whole lot more energy and time than it should and the process is stressing me out something fierce.)

I am even STRESS eating! I never stress eat. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your slant), my digestive tract is majorly rebelling to said stress eating.

Despite my usual coping strategy of keeping October "medically light", it sure has turned in to anything but light. Dealing this doctor/insurance drama is triggering memories of hospitals and medical struggles, which compounds the emotional struggle I'm already experiencing just because it's October. Plus, while rehashing pregnancy complications sucks any time, to actually be able to say to a doctor that "I was 26 weeks when my membranes ruptured on this very day seven years ago" is like an extra scrape of memory sandpaper to an already weeping wound.

Sigh.

Oh this month with its complicated mix of joy, grief, and fear.

I'm putting my head down and pushing through. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

~~~

More of this week's #Microblog Monday posts here.

Microblog Monday

Sometimes I swear it feels like we're being tested, like the universe throws roadblock after roadblock before us until we get to the point of questioning whether we'll make it through.

It has been weeks of constant fighting for what we need. There are now issues with the boys' teacher, a person I have come to detest more than 6 weeks of school should warrant. Arguments and protocol stupidity (and run around) with the insurance company.

Generally obstacles make me angry. I take a deep breath and push through the frustration. My mentality has always been that I won't let things beat me.

I'm feeling beaten down.

Exhausted.

We're in October now; I imagine that has everything to do with why I am feeling so low. It's a hard month, one filled with a lot of difficult memories.

I forget that my body remembers even if my head does not.