Not Me Monday

I have no idea where the "Not Me Monday" thing started, so forgive me if I don't give credit where credit is due...

1) I certainly didn't start putting out Christmas decorations yesterday only to have a late night discussion with Is.aac about having his family come over on Saturday to visit the boys. ("Didn't I tell you earlier in the week?" he said.) There's no way I'd then spend much of today after work picking up and repacking all of said decorations, because of course Is.aac's family does not celebrate Christmas thanks to the whole Jehovah's Witnesses thing. If it was me who did all of that, though, I would definitely deserve a medal for Wife of the Year for not strangling my husband when he came home and wondered out loud why I still wasn't finished yet. Ahem.

2) While were at it, it couldn't possibly be me who accidentally said something inappropriate at school today while teaching - without even realizing it because I thought I said something else which means my students and student teacher have all gone crazy - that may have rhymed with the word plucked and apparently was coupled with words that ended up as a sort of sexual innuendo. It also wasn't me who spent nearly five minutes trying to figure out what the heck they were talking about because no one was brave enough to tell me. And then, once I did understand what they thought I had said, it wasn't me who turned ten shades of red and got a little flustered. (But if it did happen to me, I was so grateful that it happened at the end of the class period because I had totally lost the class after that and just threw my hands up in the air and let them laugh at me and my red face. Eighth graders all have dirty minds it seems.)

Sigh.

Nope. None of that could have happened to me.

But, it is me who is feeling better. And for that I am thankful. :-)

One of Those Days

Today has been one of those days. It is so hard to be optimistic and hopeful. The all consuming emotions of trying to cycle have completely overwhelmed me. I am just so, so tired of it all.

I've been waiting all day for the results of today's blood draw. I went in at 9 am this morning, but didn't get the results until I called a little bit ago. It is so frustrating. E2 was 155 today-lower, but not low enough to start. (Does anyone else see the irony here? I have to have my levels low, yet all they are going to do is put me back on fucking estrogen to increase my levels. It is all so stupid.) And now, after all this hurry up and wait, I have to go back on Monday for a scan and more blood work while we try to chase the estrogen levels down low enough before we start increasing them again.

It is getting hard to justify all the time I am missing from work. It is getting harder and harder to come up with vague reasons for all the time I'm gone. I am feeling guilty about it, but I can't figure out what else to do.

Maybe all of this is a sign that this is not the right month. Maybe this is telling me to stop and breathe. Maybe when it is the right time to cycle, it shouldn't be this...hard.

So, I called the clinic back and told them I am pulling out this month. I clarified with them about what I'll be able to do or not do in December, and it seems that I should be able to do blood work and scans (even if the blood work is somewhere else if need be), I just won't be able to get to the embryos until after January 5th. That is fine. I wouldn't be ready to transfer before that time anyway.

Theoretically I'll be able to get a few scans/blood draws done while I am on my two week break. I won't have to miss work for them. I can make Is.aac meet me in the parking lot to watch the boys while I go in. No lying. No guilt. No harm. No foul.

It is neat little package, right?

Too bad my heart can't see that.

Today I am sad about all of this. This is the song that I heard going to the clinic today. It's been on my mind ever since.

The Climb by: Alexander, J; Mabe, J

"I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
'You'll never reach it'

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't It's about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa"

Tomorrow I'll pick myself up and move on. Tonight I'm just going to sing my song and be sad.


.

Okay, Universe. This Is Getting Old.

Scan went well; lining looks great. There is enough time to cycle, and my FET (what the hell, what is the worst that can happen with a FET?) would be the week of the 15th.

So why the title?

E2 was at 265, too high to start today. I go back in on Friday for another attempt, but well, I am not holding my breath. The nurse said that if the numbers were what they were looking for, and what those magic numbers are I don't know, then we'd start the cycle then. I know if I get my hopes up, things will most certainly not work in my favor. That is just how things roll around here. So, I am focusing on it not working and giving myself the chance to be pleasantly surprised. Or something.

---

I took the boys to their pediatrician to get their h1n1 vaccinations after the RE appointment. (That was surprising because they said they weren't going to get them and had referred me to the county's public health agency for them.) Anyway, the boys got their shots, but they wouldn't vaccinate me. The nurse practitioner kept saying they only had a specific number of doses with no extras. Blah blah blah. Coincidentally, there was a public health h1n1 clinic happening today not far from the pediatrician's office anyway, so I and picked up my mom before heading over there. An hour and a half later, we were vaccinated. It only bothers me slightly--or more than slightly--that Is.aac got his vaccination in just under 10 minutes a little bit ago, but whatever. We at least are able to check that threat off the list.

---

Ja.son had an appointment with an othotist today also. He'll most likely be getting orthotics to correct his rather pronounced pronation. The expectation is that with these he'll be able to master the balance issues preventing him from walking unassisted. The problem is that the freaking things cost $1300! Insurance may cover the cost, but it isn't guaranteed because he has no official "label." I am hoping my wit and charm will work their magic on the poor unsuspecting insurance person and this is a non issue.

What? I can be nice when I want to be. Ahem.

---

So that is today in a nut shell.

The FET is on hold until better estrogen numbers hopefully on Friday.

The boys, my mom, Is.aac, and I are all vaccinated against the h1n1 virus.

Ja.son will get yet another device to wear. Bleh.

Oh, and I am trying to keep singing my song as loud as I can. Even if the worst happens and I don't cycle this month (or next), it's all gonna be be okay. Every little thing gonna be okay...

"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right." Still singing...still hoping.

Scan and day 2 blood work tomorrow at 9:30. We shall see.

Still alive, just feeling quiet and unsettled. I hate that feeling.

There's a possibility that AF is on her way either tomorrow or Tuesday as I started spotting today. It is about time, but I am not sure if that will give me enough time to cycle this month because of the stupid lab closure. (still finding it hard to be sympathetic about that!) If not, I should start my next period right in the middle of the lab being closed so I don't know if a cycle is possible in December either. I'm trying not to worry about it until I can find out more details. Trying is the key word there--trying but not necessarily succeeding.

To help, I have made this my theme song for the next couple of days...



Bob Marley — Three Little Birds

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

I am alive, but I have to say that I've been better. Monday was crappy because of the BFN. Tuesday was hell at home and work (the day was topped with a call to CPS about one of my students for added shits and giggles). Today? Today I had a verbal blowout with a colleague because I was just tired of her negativity and bitching. I am still angry, even though I know that what I say will not change this person, and there are so many other things that I should be focusing on instead of her. The fact that she got to me this badly irritates me to no end. I hate it when I give people that kind of power over me. She is SO not worth it.

Oh, and there the tiny little issue of not hearing from the RE which making me pissy, too.

Tonight I think I am just going to wallow in it and feel sorry for myself.

National Prematurity Awareness Day

Today is National Prematurity Awareness Day.

There's never a day that goes by when we don't remember how incredibly blessed we are that our MIRACLES, born too early and so tiny, are alive and thriving! They amaze us every single day with their strength and determination. We are so very proud of our little men.

Please take a moment to support the March of Dimes and contribute to the fight against prematurity. Do it to celebrate our boys...do it for all babies.

Together let's work to eliminate prematurity!

Click here to help!

Shawn on the day he was born, 10/27/07.

2 pounds 14.5 ounces

Shawn on his 2nd birthday, 10/27/09.

A whole lot heavier! (my guess is close to 29 pounds)

Jason on the day he was born, 10/27/07.

2 pounds 14.5 ounces

Jason on his 2nd birthday, 10/27/09.

A whole lot heavier! (my guess is close to 30 pounds)

The March of Dimes helped make these moments possible.

We are FOREVER thankful!

No Surprise

Negative.

Blah. In true die hard ttc'er fashion, I asked the nurse if I can start cycling again when AF arrives. I don't even care how it happens--fresh or frozen. How sad is that? I just want to see an end to all of this shit (with a real, live baby at the end of course).

I am waiting for the RE to call to talk about options. At the very least I'll call them should my AF arrive before he contacts me. After my two first miscarriages, I bled approximately 4 days after I stopped PIO. Hopefully, this time around will be the same, although the nurse said it could take anywhere from 2 to 12 days with progesterone levels as high as mine are. It would be nice if AF arrived on Friday so I can go in for scans and blood work on the weekend and not miss work, but I won't be picky.

You know what? That's crap. I am going to be picky.

I declare AF to be here on Friday. Hear that universe? **shakes fist at the sky**

I also hope that my "great" estrogen levels drop quickly as well. (anyone know how quickly that happens? my levels were over 1200) If my estrogen isn't low enough on day 2/3, they'll want to put me on the pill or make me wait.

Damn it, I am tired of waiting! **shakes fist at the sky again!**

Oh, and let's not forget the wrinkle that the lab will be closed the week before and week after Christmas. Ahem. I am all for vacations for people who work hard and all, but I lose a little sympathy when it interferes with my ever present planning.

I'm a bitch, what can I say?

But, should the universe listen and bring AF on Friday, AND make sure my estrogen is nice and low by the blood work day, AND let's throw in make sure that I have no cysts for scan day, then I have PLENTY of time to cycle before the lab closes.

Crisis solved.

A girl's gotta have a plan, or she'll go crazy.

---

I am mostly okay about the negative. I am sad and angry, but I expected this. Yesterday really helped me, I think. Thank you for all your kind words. They really mean so much.

This morning, as I walked through the garage to the washer and dryer to do yet another load of the boys' laundry, I glanced around and became incredibly sad. Much like my mind, the garage has been living in a place of waiting. Everywhere were remnants of babydom...

You see, over these last two years, I had carefully placed the boys' things out there...like little ghosts, covered and waiting until I'd get the chance to use them again. I haven't been able to get rid of much because there was always the hope that sometime soon I'd need it again. Swings and bouncers, car seats and extra bases, exersaucers and clothing--I kept it all.

I had tucked things as far out of the way as I could, but you can imagine the amount of gear that had amassed. Add to that tons of empty boxes (man, kid toys come in far too much packaging) that needed to be cut down for recycling and other such random things, and well, it was getting bad.

Today was the time to purge and hopefully quiet some of that anticipation. I cried a little while I worked, finally releasing some of the frustrated tears that have been pent up this week. It is so sad and makes me so angry that the stuff needed to be packed rather than brought into the house. But, it's been over a year that we've been trying for number three now, so this need to be done.

In the end, boxes and bags of things I couldn't/didn't want to part with were placed high up in the rafters. I have piles to send to my girlfriend who just had a baby and to the good will. When/if (please let it be "if") the time comes, the stuff will still be there ready to use after a little cleaning. Until then, it feels good to know that those reminders are no longer there to haunt me.

---

Tomorrow (Monday) is my beta. I'll be skipping my lunch and prep period to head down to the clinic at 12:30, so I don't expect to hear the confirmation until 3 or 4. Hopefully, the RE will call tomorrow night like he usually does, and I can ask him what he thinks about the next cycle. Then I just get to wait for AF.

Fun.

14 dpo - negative

No more testing. I am calling this cycle a fail--a big, fat, miserable fail. I am just waiting it out until my beta. Now I suck at every part of this shit.

My ass sure wishes I'd just stop everything now. I actually cried with last night's shot, it hurt so much. I made him take the first attempt out and start again for it to hurt just as bad with the second stick. I almost can't even sit today.

I guess I have to decide if I want to try this FET thing again with my other two frosties (or three if they refroze the one I didn't use this cycle) or just go with a fresh cycle. Well, that and I have to figure out where the money is going to come from, too.

Sigh.

Maybe **Updated

13dpo - negative with fmu

But...if I turn the stupid thing just right...

maybe there is the faintest of somethings.

And maybe there was the faintest of somethings there last night, too.

Or maybe my mind wants to see it...

and is making it show up in just the right place,

making me see the tiniest of shadow lines.

But, it makes me feel a whole lot better that Is.aac maybe saw it also.

Today is my P4 and E2 check.

Maybe hope has reentered the building. :-)

***edited to add

P4 - 71 (they want it > than30)
E2 - 1234 (they want it > 700)

I was told that things were looking great and to keep on trucking.

And no, they wouldn't do a beta. Bleh. (unless they do it secretly and didn't tell, which is just plain cruel if you ask me. if that is the case then they should just say, "hey stacie, we drew your beta and it looks like it is positive/negative and you should just continue/stop the PIO because I know they hurt your pansy ass every night" or something.)

.

Torture

I struggle with how incredibly cruel my body is. At this moment I am feeling pains that are a lot like the round ligament pains I had when I was first pregnant with the boys. It's a burning sensation that comes and goes in the crease where my leg meets my groin area, just above my pubic bone. It has been fairly consistent throughout the day...like it was when I was pregnant with them.

I have uterine cramping, too. I know that can be attributed to the progesterone I am on, but why oh why does that shit only start after the transfer? Why was I on progesterone injections for a full 5 days with not even a twinge, but the moment they put two microscopic clusters of cells in there and all hell breaks loose?

Then there are my boobs. They're sore, which is again can be due to the progesterone, I know. It is simultaneously exciting and heartbreaking. There is that chance for a maybe. Maybe it is because I am pregnant. But I think of that missing line, and I'm scared of what that will mean. I just dread cycling again. I dread having to be evasive and missing work. I don't want to have to go through all of that again.

I want there to still be a chance. I need there to be a chance.

Maybe it's still too early...

It's sadistic to allow a person to feel like this--to give a person this crazy mixture of hope and anxiety. My body does just that, though. It continues its game of mockery. It lets me have everything look good at the transfer, for it all fall apart in the end. Ha. I thought the thaw would be the hurdle to jump through. That's what worried me.

I am sure this is all my own fault. I got too cocky. I've done 4 ivf's. I've been pregnant from each one. I expected to get pregnant this time, too. I thought I could at least do that part right. Positives were something I thought I had down. Sure, it took a room full of people, thousands of dollars, daily shots, surgical procedure, bypassing my tubes, and placing embryos straight into my uterus to get those positives, but the fact that I could get them was my thing. The thing that made me like everyone else, made me like a fertile. Of course we know how much I suck at the sticking part, but whatever.

Take away the positives, and I'm left with yet another way my body has failed.

I am left with nothing except total failure.

Sigh.

5 days until beta. Why does it feel like I am waiting for the executioner?

11dpo (5dp6dt) - negative with fmu

It is getting harder and harder to keep the faith here...

8 dpo (Sunday) - negative

9 dpo (Monday) - negative

10 dpo (today) - negative

It isn't looking good. I thought I'd see something...anything...

I wish I never heard "40-50%" chance. It seems like I alwasy fall on the wrong side of the odds.

I swear there is so much action going on in the ole ute that you'd think I'd have something to show for it by now. But, no. Nothing but white is all I see. No matter how many times I go back to check the stupid things, they stay that same discouraging white.

It is still early, right?

It doesn't matter that I have always had early positives in my other pregnancies, right?

I still have a freaking chance, right?

Right?

Please...

Yeah, right.

Oh, hell. I am already done waiting and it has only been two days. I may lose my mind this time around--well, what is left of my mind at least.

Where is that crystal ball when you need it?

Update on the FET

Well, here it is. My traditional belly shot. :-)

So, we made it. We actually had something to transfer today! The embryologist thawed three blastocysts. All three made it through the thaw just fine. (I am so proud!)

Here we have our grade A hatching blast. We're calling her Lucy.

Here are the other two blasts. We transferred the grade B expanding blast as well--aka Ethel. (marked #2) They did AH on her just to make things a little easier for her to implant. Ahem. The third blast will be refrozen if it makes it through the night and begins to expand.

The kicker is that the embryologist gave us a 40-50% chance of pregnancy based on our history and the quality of the blasts we transferred.

40% to 50%, people!

And there are still two more snowbabies for the future!

I don't know how I got so lucky. :-)

Progesterone and estrogen check is on 11/13.

Beta is on the 16th. It will technically be 16dpo. 16 seems to be the number of the hour.

The countdown is on...do you think I can make it 10 days to the beta without testing?

Me neither. I figure that Monday is as good of a day to start peeing on sticks as any other!

Show and Tell - Who Cares About the FET When I Get News Like This...

There is nothing to show, but there is a whole lot to tell.

So, as you know, we just had our EI evaluations. I was nervous wreck about them and walked away feeling like I am a miserable failure as a mother. Well, this week I finally got the completed evals back for my review. You know what?

My boys fucking R.O.C.K.

ROCK, I tell you!

Wanna know why?

I'll tell you why...

Sh.awn's eval:

actual age: 22 months 29 days
adjusted age: 19 months 29 days

cognition - 16 months (although we all agree this is on the low side of what it actually is. unfortunately, the tests for cognition use fine motor skills, one of his weaknesses, so it will likely be on the low side until he is either talking better or is no longer delayed in fine motor skills. the therapists and I informally agree that he is probably at his adjusted age or higher here.)
Gross motor - big delay (delay, we spit in your face. pa-tooey.)
Fine motor - delayed
Social emotional - 25 months!
Self-Help - adjusted age!
Language - adjusted age!

Ja.son's eval:

actual age: 23 months 3 days
adjusted age: 20 months 3 days

cognition - adjusted age!
Gross motor - delayed (damn lack of walking)
Fine motor - delayed (I am not sure I agree with this--I think he wasn't interested in doing their testing. plus he doesn't exactly like his therapist. plus, his delay keeps him qualified for OT--a little too neat, isn't it?)
Social emotional - actual age!
Self-Help - adjusted age!
Language - adjusted age!

See?!!? My boys are rockstars. I am so proud. :-)

Go see what the rest of the class is showing!

Whew

Well, I called the clinic and confessed my sin. I was hoping they'd let me skip the scan. I figured it was just a formality. Of course, the whole "we won't thaw your blasts until we have this scan" line sobered me up some. They were nice about it and let me come in today. They even worked with the 93 minute time frame I had available as well--it is a 30 minute drive (if I drive like a bat out of hell and there is no traffic), which left a maximum of 33 minutes I could spend in their office. I checked in, was scanned, talked to a nurse, AND was back in my car in a total of 17 minutes. That never happens. Whew.

There's no problem with the med dosage mix-up either.

My lining was 11H. The old ute was clear of...well, whatever they were checking for. I did have an 18mm follie on my left side that appeared on my "suppressed" ovaries, but that doesn't matter either.

So, we are all set! I am tentatively scheduled for 9:15 on Friday.

The next hurdle is the Big Thaw. Then it is time to party!

Fingers crossed that my little snow babies survive and don't leave me hanging at the party all by myself.

Mild Freak Out

So today I missed my final monitoring scan for the FET. I thought it was tomorrow, but it was today according to my paperwork I finally found. There was no call from the clinic asking where I was, though, so that is strange. Not only that, but I reversed how I was supposed to take my PIO and did 2ccs on Sunday and 1cc last night. Apparently it was supposed to be the opposite.

Why the hell am I fucking everything up?

What is wrong with me?

I guess (hope) they'll probably just reschedule my scan for tomorrow or Thursday. We still have time before the big thaw to cancel things should there be a problem with my lining--which is 13H at the last scan, still not that wanted triple stripe I used to have. WTF is up with that? I want my triple stripe back. But really, I don't think there will be a problem with my lining. Right? (say right, okay)

Now the med issue makes me a little more worried. I suppose in the long run, if I correct the error and just do 2ccs from here on out it will be okay, but...

this is totally not like me.

I can't believe I let this happen.

As an aside, my MIL had knee replacement surgery today. We knew it was coming sometime soon, but we didn't know exactly when it would happen. (Don't get me started on that--like I've said before, she lives less than 5 miles away from us and we hardly ever hear from her or see her. The two of them have an "interesting" relationship. That is the nicest way I can put it.) Anyway, that has Is.aac in a panic of sorts because he gets strange about all things dealing with his mother.

So that means he's freaked, too.

That does not create a happy situation at the old homestead.

Sigh.

I'll keep you updated. Fingers crossed that I haven't fucked things up beyond repair.

I don't normally use the word fuck. I must be stressed.

Breathe, Stac. Just breathe.

I was so excited to dress the boys up for Halloween and take them out to a few houses. I carefully planned their costumes. They were perfect. I couldn't WAIT to see them all dressed up! All was going well until about 4:30 when Is.aac brought home a sub sandwich for a late lunch. I had tuna. He had some chicken something-or-other.

About a half an hour after I finished eating, I felt light headed. I went to go lay down for a few minutes before we got everyone dressed. I woke up an hour later feeling even worse. The night went downhill from there.

Needless to say, I did not go trick or treating with the boys. Actually, no one went. Is.aac was pretty worried about how quickly (and violently) I got sick.

Now today, I feel sad that I missed out on celebrating such a fun day with the boys. I know they don't care. I know they won't remember. But still, it just hurts me to let even this one silly holiday slip by without going all out. We've worked so hard to get the chance to celebrate anything at all! I still can't shake the feeling that I have to go make the most of these types of things and celebrate while we can.

I still want to dress the boys up and take loads of pictures. At least that is something, right?

---

Tonight is my first PIO shot. There's no turning back now. Friday is on its way.