This morning, as I walked through the garage to the washer and dryer to do yet another load of the boys' laundry, I glanced around and became incredibly sad. Much like my mind, the garage has been living in a place of waiting. Everywhere were remnants of babydom...

You see, over these last two years, I had carefully placed the boys' things out there...like little ghosts, covered and waiting until I'd get the chance to use them again. I haven't been able to get rid of much because there was always the hope that sometime soon I'd need it again. Swings and bouncers, car seats and extra bases, exersaucers and clothing--I kept it all.

I had tucked things as far out of the way as I could, but you can imagine the amount of gear that had amassed. Add to that tons of empty boxes (man, kid toys come in far too much packaging) that needed to be cut down for recycling and other such random things, and well, it was getting bad.

Today was the time to purge and hopefully quiet some of that anticipation. I cried a little while I worked, finally releasing some of the frustrated tears that have been pent up this week. It is so sad and makes me so angry that the stuff needed to be packed rather than brought into the house. But, it's been over a year that we've been trying for number three now, so this need to be done.

In the end, boxes and bags of things I couldn't/didn't want to part with were placed high up in the rafters. I have piles to send to my girlfriend who just had a baby and to the good will. When/if (please let it be "if") the time comes, the stuff will still be there ready to use after a little cleaning. Until then, it feels good to know that those reminders are no longer there to haunt me.

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Tomorrow (Monday) is my beta. I'll be skipping my lunch and prep period to head down to the clinic at 12:30, so I don't expect to hear the confirmation until 3 or 4. Hopefully, the RE will call tomorrow night like he usually does, and I can ask him what he thinks about the next cycle. Then I just get to wait for AF.

Fun.

14 dpo - negative

No more testing. I am calling this cycle a fail--a big, fat, miserable fail. I am just waiting it out until my beta. Now I suck at every part of this shit.

My ass sure wishes I'd just stop everything now. I actually cried with last night's shot, it hurt so much. I made him take the first attempt out and start again for it to hurt just as bad with the second stick. I almost can't even sit today.

I guess I have to decide if I want to try this FET thing again with my other two frosties (or three if they refroze the one I didn't use this cycle) or just go with a fresh cycle. Well, that and I have to figure out where the money is going to come from, too.

Sigh.

Maybe **Updated

13dpo - negative with fmu

But...if I turn the stupid thing just right...

maybe there is the faintest of somethings.

And maybe there was the faintest of somethings there last night, too.

Or maybe my mind wants to see it...

and is making it show up in just the right place,

making me see the tiniest of shadow lines.

But, it makes me feel a whole lot better that Is.aac maybe saw it also.

Today is my P4 and E2 check.

Maybe hope has reentered the building. :-)

***edited to add

P4 - 71 (they want it > than30)
E2 - 1234 (they want it > 700)

I was told that things were looking great and to keep on trucking.

And no, they wouldn't do a beta. Bleh. (unless they do it secretly and didn't tell, which is just plain cruel if you ask me. if that is the case then they should just say, "hey stacie, we drew your beta and it looks like it is positive/negative and you should just continue/stop the PIO because I know they hurt your pansy ass every night" or something.)

.

Torture

I struggle with how incredibly cruel my body is. At this moment I am feeling pains that are a lot like the round ligament pains I had when I was first pregnant with the boys. It's a burning sensation that comes and goes in the crease where my leg meets my groin area, just above my pubic bone. It has been fairly consistent throughout the day...like it was when I was pregnant with them.

I have uterine cramping, too. I know that can be attributed to the progesterone I am on, but why oh why does that shit only start after the transfer? Why was I on progesterone injections for a full 5 days with not even a twinge, but the moment they put two microscopic clusters of cells in there and all hell breaks loose?

Then there are my boobs. They're sore, which is again can be due to the progesterone, I know. It is simultaneously exciting and heartbreaking. There is that chance for a maybe. Maybe it is because I am pregnant. But I think of that missing line, and I'm scared of what that will mean. I just dread cycling again. I dread having to be evasive and missing work. I don't want to have to go through all of that again.

I want there to still be a chance. I need there to be a chance.

Maybe it's still too early...

It's sadistic to allow a person to feel like this--to give a person this crazy mixture of hope and anxiety. My body does just that, though. It continues its game of mockery. It lets me have everything look good at the transfer, for it all fall apart in the end. Ha. I thought the thaw would be the hurdle to jump through. That's what worried me.

I am sure this is all my own fault. I got too cocky. I've done 4 ivf's. I've been pregnant from each one. I expected to get pregnant this time, too. I thought I could at least do that part right. Positives were something I thought I had down. Sure, it took a room full of people, thousands of dollars, daily shots, surgical procedure, bypassing my tubes, and placing embryos straight into my uterus to get those positives, but the fact that I could get them was my thing. The thing that made me like everyone else, made me like a fertile. Of course we know how much I suck at the sticking part, but whatever.

Take away the positives, and I'm left with yet another way my body has failed.

I am left with nothing except total failure.

Sigh.

5 days until beta. Why does it feel like I am waiting for the executioner?

11dpo (5dp6dt) - negative with fmu

It is getting harder and harder to keep the faith here...

8 dpo (Sunday) - negative

9 dpo (Monday) - negative

10 dpo (today) - negative

It isn't looking good. I thought I'd see something...anything...

I wish I never heard "40-50%" chance. It seems like I alwasy fall on the wrong side of the odds.

I swear there is so much action going on in the ole ute that you'd think I'd have something to show for it by now. But, no. Nothing but white is all I see. No matter how many times I go back to check the stupid things, they stay that same discouraging white.

It is still early, right?

It doesn't matter that I have always had early positives in my other pregnancies, right?

I still have a freaking chance, right?

Right?

Please...

Yeah, right.

Oh, hell. I am already done waiting and it has only been two days. I may lose my mind this time around--well, what is left of my mind at least.

Where is that crystal ball when you need it?