17 Days...

On this day, five years ago, Baby A's (Sh.awn's) sack ruptured. I was exactly 26 weeks pregnant.

The countdown to the boys' birth is on...

I'd be lying if I said that wasn't one of the scariest times in my life - a time filled with fear and stress. And while the date doesn't have the same emotional hold on me, I guess it says something that the day itself still stands out on the calendar. I know it's coming, and I most certainly know it's here.

Now, rather than focus on the feelings from then, I focus on the joy those two little men sleeping in the next room bring to our lives.

I marvel in how much they've accomplished in their lives, things that some might have said would never happen.

I revel in pride.

Today I focus on my amazing boys. We may not know what the future holds, but we do know we're going to face it with strength and determination!

In 17 days, my big boys are going to be 5.

Wow.

~~~

Last night, on Parenthood, there was a scene where the entire family was at the baseball field watching one of the boys play ball. The boy sat most of the game in the dugout until the grandfather went to the coach and demanded the boy get to play. The coach relented, allowing the boy to finally be called up to the plate. On the boy's third pitch, he hit the ball and ultimately scored a home run while the entire family cheered him on.

Oh how I cried.

We did baseball when I was a kid. (I was even on a Little League team for first and second grade. That's how into baseball my family was.) My older brothers played until they aged out of the league, my dad was an umpire for the league, and my mom managed the concession stand, so we spent many hours at the field as a family.

I guess that was how I pictured my life would be when I had kids. We'd live at the field during baseball season like my family did when I was little. I'd sit in the stands and cheer my boys on as they raced around the bases. We'd head to the local pizza joint to celebrate with the team after a hard fought win.

Last night, it struck me that we'd not have those kind of family memories.

My heart ached with a crushing intensity, and I cried like a little baby over a silly little dream.

Sigh.

I think I have it all under control (maybe I mostly do?), but there are days when the scab over the loss of what I expected our lives to be is ripped off. It takes a bit of bleeding before I can build the scab up again, I suppose.

~~~

I was still feeling pretty raw when I went to pick up the boys for therapy. There's nothing quite like the assault of reality on already fragile emotions, right?

Imagine my surprise when I discovered the therapists had created a mini baseball game for the boys to play today.

It was all I could do to hold myself together as I watched them hit a ball off a tee and run around the bases.

I still get emotional thinking about it now.

Unknowingly, the boys' therapists gave me the salve for my bleeding heart.

I so needed a reminder that while things may not be the way I pictured them, they are still pretty damn amazing.

I really do have so MUCH to be thankful for in my life.

Grey

I count today as the first day of my summer, and I did what I would normally do when I have a break.

I did laundry. Thrilling stuff, I tell you. So much for my exciting life. But, I could put it off no longer as the pile of dirty clothes was embarrassingly high and I had only my "quitter" undies to wear. (And by "quitter," I mean the elastic is so worn they hardly stay up around my waist. These suckers have been driving me crazy all flipping day.)

While 70% 80% Ok 90% most of the clothes I own was washed, dried, and folded/hung in the closet, one thing became alarmingly clear. A lot of it is grey. There's black. There's white. But, most is grey.

I have very little that isn't one of those three colors. Even as I type this, I am wearing grey.

Once upon a time, in my younger years, my closet was filled with the colors of the rainbow. I wore lots of reds, blues, and greens.


I'm not even sure where those clothes went or when they disappeared. I do know it shocked me to see they're gone.

Is that what I am now? Am I some sort of grey force surrounded by vibrant beauty I'm not allowed to enjoy?

Someone who's become nothing more than neutral?

What a sad thought.

I'm happy. I know I am. But...

I don't dream like I once did.

I rein in my hopes.

I don't expect things to be sunshine and roses.

I don't have that feeling that things will only happen to someone else.

I have trouble not waiting for that other shoe to fall.

I don't think these thoughts intentionally, but they are there nonetheless. Slowly, in my effort to protect myself from the pain and turmoil that so easily finds my life, I've pushed away any chance for things that can bring in light and joy. I'm happy, sure, but my happiness is tempered with restrictions on what I allow myself to think and feel. When you look at things like that, maybe I am not as happy as I could be.


Some might question if I am really happy at all.


They say your wardrobe reflects you personality. Honestly, if I've made sure to keep my emotions even and not too far out on either extreme, it's no wonder that color is no longer a part of what I wear.


I have become grey.

~~~

This weekend I did something just for me. I read a whole book. I've haven't allowed myself the pleasure of tuning out the world and reading in what seems like a million years.

I can't tell you how jazzed it made me!

For so long I've put everyone and everything before myself. (Let's face it with everything thrown our way, to some extent I had no choice. You don't really think about doing things for yourself when keeping your head millimeters above water is your main focus.)

It was like a light was ignited.

To bring back my color, I need to remember me. It isn't very profound, but it's so important nonetheless.

Hello me. I look forward to getting to know you again.

It's been far too long.

~~~

Am I the only one to lose herself in this journey toward parenthood or in life in general?

~~~

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

~Mark Victor Hansen

Acceptance

"Acceptance is a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit." (Wikipedia)

This.

Acceptance.

I need to learn it.

Embrace it.

It is against my nature, though.

I don't accept. I fight. I always have.

I learn about something until I can conquer it...

make it the way I want it to be.

Sigh.

But I can't conquer everything.

I suppose I shouldn't even be able to...

but damn I want to.

Most days I am better at faking it.

You know what they say, "Fake it 'till you make it." I try to, I really do.

On those days, I feel so close to accepting...

Still, something inevitably shakes me out of the game of pretend--reminds me that I am only playing make believe.

The facade may look the same; the frame is intact.

The foundation, though? It cracks a bit more each time.

Tiny, hairline cracks, probably barely noticeable to anyone else.

Only I know they're there, because with each new line, I feel weaker.

Less in control.

Less secure.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I want to BELIEVE that all will be okay - tonotquestioneveryfuckingthingsimplybecauseIdon'thavealltheanswers.

To TRUST in the process.

To learn to ACCEPT what I cannot change.

Zipped!

I haven't been the adventurous sort as of late. Shoot, I call my day wild when I make it out to Target with the crew in tow. So, it was actually pretty surprising that I signed up to go zip lining with my sista friends.

It is a good thing I didn't really know what I was getting myself into, I think. I mean, yeah I knew I would zip through the air on a thin cable, but I had NO IDEA I'd be doing it 10 times. It hadn't occurred to me that I'd be zipping across 1500 feet of tree tops and hard rocks 300 feet below!

Frankly, the outfit they make you wear should have been my first clue that I could possibly be in for it. Our guides Josh and April strapped us into approximately 10 pounds worth of gear and an annoying little hard hat. (Which was red, I found out later, so that can easily identify us should we happen to FALL. Ahem.)

Don't I look stylish?

Part of the gear was this handlebar doohickey. My handlebar behaved itself and stayed out of the way. My friend, Martha's, however, didn't play nice and liked to stand out at attention. I can't tell you how much my inner 12 year old laughed every time I looked over at her and saw that sucker (HA!) sticking out like that. I am so destined to forever be a junior high kid.

Bwahahahaha...

After we suited up, they led us out to this little baby for the ten minute trek up to 7200 feet and the first part of our adventure.

This thing really needed some windows.
It's not very good at keeping the dust out.

We got off of the truck a hiked about a mile uphill through the beautiful trees. We saw cute little Bubonic Plague flea carrying squirrels and saw lots of bear tracks. Charming, no?

I apparently have issues with nature.

And they teased me for wearing my jeans. Silly people. Who was the only one to not freak out every thirty seconds when some bug or another would bite her legs? Yeppers. Me! heh heh

We finally made it to our first platform and our 200 foot long practice zip. I saw. I zipped. I conquered!

They called this first trek a "short hike." Liars.

The view from the top of a platform.

I can see for miles from here!

Another looksy around...

Holy shit this is high!

We also hiked over 4 suspended sky bridges like this one. (It's in the bottom right hand corner of the picture.)

It's still high, but I am starting to get used to it.

Each platform was higher than the previous, and the zips got progressively longer for the most part. The longest zip, the 1500 feet line, took approximately 40 seconds to make it across from one platform to the other.

It was pretty awesome.

I wish I would have taken out my camera and took a few pictures while I was flying through the air...

but I was more than content to hold on for dear life. :-)

These last shots were taken by their staff photographer. I had no idea she was there. Had I known, I might have smiled. As it was, I was more than a little worried about ingesting a bug or two, so my lips stayed firmly closed.

Whee!

On this one, my right hand was dragging on the bottom wire--otherwise known as applying the brakes. It sounds harder than it was.

Braaaaakkkkkkeeeee...

My feet are reaching for the platform here. Yet another time it payed to have long legs. Everyone else had trouble making it all the way to the platform.

Whew. I made it!

The photographer just scared the crap out of me.

Ack! Please don't let me have a bug in my teeth.

Oh, God. She keeps clicking pictures...

Get me away from her!

After that last zip, we had the last of the suspended bridges to cross. I kind of liked this part. For everyone else, the bridge walking was their least favorite.

I had to fight the urge to rock the bridge.
I think my friend in front of me would have crapped her pants.

Cheese!

The adventure ended with the last of the 3 rappelling experiences we had. They weren't repelling like you'd think, though. Mostly they were pushing yourself over the edge of the platform and sitting kind of experiences. You didn't even have to hold on to a rope.

I went down first. This is my friend, Martha, again.

All in all, it was about a 4 hour tour (with no pee break!). I had lots of fun, but dude was I worn out at the end!

Shockingly, we're already making plans for our next zip lining adventure...

I'm Back!

I had the BEST time, but man am I tired.

My mom still has the boys for a bit, so I think I am going to take a quick power nap before I go pick them up. Story to come soon!

I was the smart one in jeans...everyone else had to deal with biting bugs! Ha!