8 Days to Go - Starting to Wonder If I'll Make It!

Last night was pretty horrible. My back started really bothering me at about 9:30 pm. It started as a constant pain in my lower back and would radiate out toward my sides.

Then the contractions started up again. 4 an hour. Nothing consistent that I could tell.

Needless to say, I slept like crap.

This morning, Baby Lo was quiet, I was still contracting about 4 times an hour, and my back was still killing me. I called the OB and went in for a NST.

Baby looked fine. I had 4 contractions in the hour. Again, nothing consistent as far as the timing went-as close as 6 minutes together and then as far apart as 25. Sigh.

My internal exam (ouch) let us know that my cervix was still long and closed (go cervix) and the stitch was still holding, but the OB did find a bit of spotting. Whether he caused that mucking around in there or it was already there is the question.

So, I got a shot of terbutaline and was sent home. If I get to more than 4 an hour OR the pain gets worse, I go back. The OB mentioned something about just having the baby today...

cough, sputter. Cue freak out.

Thankfully, the contractions have stopped. I am spotting a bit (which I wasn't before the exam) but nothing major or worrisome.

Baby is still moving.

I go in for my pre-op appointment tomorrow. I'll have another internal and NST to see where things stand.

Yikes.

Right now, I am going to lay down and try to get some rest. I am exhausted. Plus, terb is the devil's drug and I am all jittery.

I'll be sure to update again if anything changes. :-)

36 Weeks and 1 Day

How far along: 36 weeks, 1 day

Total weight gain: 25 pounds.

Stretch marks: nope

Sleep: I am now to the point of having trouble sleeping. I am up several times a night and have trouble falling back asleep once I am done. 4:00 am seems to be the witching hour for me around here.

Best moment this week: There are three this week:

1) Getting the all clear about BabyLo's heart!

2)This was the week of the baby showers. My coworkers threw me one on Friday. Almost everyone on staff came! It made me feel a bit strange because while my staff is fairly close, most of the social kind of things are hit and miss. People that never come to events were there! Whoa.

3)Yesterday, my two sisters (very good friends) threw me a small, intimate shower for some of my closer friends. They brought food and gifts and it was so much fun.

I am truly blessed by the people in my life!

Belly button in or out?: Officially flat.

Cravings: Taco Bell taco supremes (weird because I don't like sour creme usually), chocolate donuts with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles, apples (again not a normal like), more chocolate, and instant breakfast.

Dr. appointments?: I had an OB appointment on Wednesday. All went well. We again discussed whether I need zo.loft this time. He is leaning that I won't, but he will give me the script if I truly want it. He did ask to see if someone will be with me to watch for signs if I don't take the script. (Is.aac is pretty set on me having that script ready to go just in case.) We also discussed the cerclage. I still have it. He would remove it, but he didn't think there is a need at this point. He suggested we leave it in until the c-section. Not sure how I feel about that right now either. I suppose I think on it and bring it back up at the next appointment this week.

I did the fetal cardiologist appointment, discussed here. The next Doom appointment (with the high risk doctor) is this week.

What I am looking forward to/celebrating:

• 17 days until my c-section.
• I am officially off of work until June as of Friday! Whoot! We are still planning on sending the boys to my mom's during the day so I can rest/do things.
• Getting a chance to set up the baby's room and finish (okay start) getting ready for the baby.
• Seeing how big this boy is at the Doom appointment this week.
• Watching Is.aac pour over the baby name book in a quest to come up with a name BEFORE the baby is born.
• Meeting this boy 17 days from now.

Holy shit!

***36 week picture to go up tomorrow.

He Shall Always Be Dr. Doom...

Sigh.

The good:

Gestation - 32 weeks, 3 days

Cervix had no change. It was still 3.0 cm. No funneling. Cerclage is doing its thing. The baby's head was right there, so every time she pushed on my stomach, his head would thump my cervix. Odd sensation to say the least.

BPP either wasn't done? or I just missed the results.

Fluid was somewhere between 7-8 cm, which is down from last appointment but still in the normal range. It makes sense. I spent last night throwing up (either from extra iron or maybe some sort of food poisoning?), so I know I am on the dehydrated side.

Weight was estimated at 5 pounds 1 ounce.

The bad:

Mild pyelectasis was still noted in the right kidney. The size of his kidneys were unchanged. It sure would be nice if this would just resolve itself already.

I started having contractions this week. The most I've had was 4 in an hour. It isn't changing my cervix, so I am just to monitor them and call if I get more than 4 in a single hour. My mind is all freaked out, though, because I worry that I am having some that I don't feel.

The ugly:

They spotted premature atrial contractions (PACs) on today's u/s.

The most common cause of an irregular heart rhythm is when the top part of the heart beats too early (premature atrial contraction, or PAC). Sometimes this premature beat is transmitted to the bottom part of the heart; other times the communication between the top and bottom part of the heart is blocked after a premature beat.

An early beat that is transmitted or blocked will cause an irregularity in the heart's rhythm. These premature atrial contractions are very common in the second half of pregnancy and usually don't cause any problems. They may persist after the baby is born, but usually go away by one month of life. Medication is typically not necessary.

His heart rate was still around 144 beats per minute. The irregularity was only about every 10ish beats or so--just one wonky beat every so often.

Doom said that it would likely be fine. Don't worry he said.

The information I've found online has said it will likely be fine.

I guess this isn't as ugly as it could have been, but damn if it would be nice to not have to think about it AT ALL.

It makes me feel like they look so hard for problems, they aren't satisfied until they find something. Anything.

And cause worry.

And make me mildly freak out.

I go back in two weeks for more monitoring.

All's Well...

Gestation - 30 weeks, 2 days

Cervix was 3.0 cm. No funneling. Not dynamic when pressure is applied.

BPP was 8 out of 8. He was breathing!

Fluid was 12.95 cm.

Weight was estimated at 4 pounds 1 ounce (yes, you read that right-according to the bump, he should be between 2.5-3.8 pounds at this point.)

Mild pyelectasis was noted in the right kidney. We will continue to watch for resolution until delivery. If it has not resolved by delivery, follow up may be needed. Only an issue upon birth for 5-10% of those diagnosed in utero. (Um, you all know how I feel about us and odds...won't be surprised if a nephrologist is in our future. Not overly freaked or anything, though.)

I am taking this as a good appointment, but damn I am exhausted. I work myself up to such a frenzy before I see him that I think it takes all I've got just to make it through the stupid appointment.

Sigh.

---

And for those of you who don't have any idea what I am talking about when it comes to cervix length, here is the down and dirty on the subject. (as I have come to understand them at least)


Cervix length is often well above 4.0 cm in the first trimester. At about 24 weeks, the average cervical length is about 3.5 -4.0 cm. Normally, in the late second and early third trimester the cervical length measures anywhere between 3 cm to 3.5 cm.

Several studies have suggested that a shorter cervical length (one that starts normally and shortens to below average) is correlated to an increased risk of preterm delivery. It is thought that a cervical length of 2.5–3.0 before 32 weeks gestation increases that preterm risk.

Rescue cerclages (like what I had at 20 weeks with the boys) are performed if a woman's cervix shortens to below 1.5 cm before 24 weeks gestation. A cervix that short, my friends, is bad, bad, bad. Mine was 1.2 cm.

Another study found that when the cervical length measures 1.5 cm or less, the risk of spontaneous preterm birth is almost 50 percent. (Source: American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology; June 2000; Volume 182 6 :1458-1467)

(The OB now tells me they were hoping to get me to viability at that time. They weren't expecting to...)

Anything under 2.0 cm would mean you get to partake in complete bed rest.

From 2.0-2.5 cm, would mean you would go on modified bed rest.

My cervical length is still not considered average at 3.0 cm for 30 weeks, but the cut off was 2.5 cm to continue to be "normal." Anything below 2.5 cm would mean I would go on disability immediately and at the minimum be placed on modified bed rest.

If you want to read more, go here.

28 Weeks

...tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'll be 28 weeks, a short 4 days away from the exact gestation that I was when I gave birth to the boys.

It's surreal really. The fact that I am still pregnant...

The fact that I am still working...

The fact that I am not on bed on strict bed rest...

I am so grateful.

Had a Dr. Doom visit today. Cervix holding. Baby Lo looks good. He is measuring (by the conservative tech's measurements) the same as the boys did at birth. Has long arms and legs, just like them. "You grow them big!" the tech said.

Yes, I guess I do.

Sometimes I wonder how different the lives of my boys would have been had they been carried one at a time rather than at the same time.

How big would they have grown if they have cooked longer?

What would I have looked like? How big would the belly have been?

Would they be running and driving me crazy by now?

It is a tad bit painful for me that I am hopefully going to get the chance to experience those what ifs with this pregnancy.

This pregnancy? It doesn't change anything for them.

It doesn't erase the fact that they had to endure so much when they were so tiny. It doesn't erase the pain or the surgeries or the CP.

For them...it all will stay the same.

But, is it horrible that this pregnancy is healing me? Day by day and week by week, the longer I get to be "normal" and pregnant...

I am getting stronger. I am beginning to realize that I am not a failure--that doing all the right things and having things turn out wrong anyway doesn't make me a failure. It means we had rotten luck that time.

It wasn't me.

I have to admit that I am not as careful with this pregnancy...not as anal about my prenatals. Still haven't picked up the iron supplements the OB wants me to start taking. I drink caffeine on occasion. I've taken cold medications. I've even had a cold cut or two...

I am not doing it all perfectly...

because short of deliberately hurting myself and the baby, I don't have that power...

and things are still maybe going to be okay.

Maybe I am really starting to believe that they will.*




*Universe, I'd appreciate it if you didn't make me eat my words.

Thank you very much.

Doom Visit (PG Update)

I had another Dr. Doom visit today, only the "funny" part is that Doom is on vacation, so I just met with the tech and the u/s wand. (The wand and I are old buddies at this point. Sigh.) You wouldn't believe how much more relaxed that office is with Doom gone. Talk about a night and day experience. Apparently I am not the only one who gets this not so pleasant feeling from him.

I do have to admit that I was again very nervous to go today. I haven't had the chance to rest as much as I had been. The holidays have been crazy, and I was torn between the desire to make the holidays as great as possible for the boys and making sure I was taking care of Baby Lo. It was hard for me to balance. (Um, a sign of what's to come no doubt.)

Plus, I had been having these strange, though infrequent, pains. I couldn't exactly pinpoint where the pain was coming from except that it was in the area that could be my cervix. Each one would set off a panic. Ugh.

I just knew that my time of freedom would be long gone after this visit.

Thankfully, there was NO CHANGE in my cervix from the last appointment to this one! Can we all cheer now?!!? Maybe my body is actually going to do its thing and keep Baby Lo in for the long haul. Dare I hope? Whoa. Still focused on 32 weeks as goal #1, though.

Anyway, Baby Lo was looking good. He's measuring at 2 pounds 2 ounces, which is still following his big growth curve. (Here is a cool growth average chart. For reference, I am 25 weeks and 2 days. The boys were 2 lbs 15 ounces at 28 weeks 3 days.) Amniotic fluid looks great. His right kidney is still a bit enlarged, but not alarmingly so. They still just think it is likely no issue. Boys just sometimes do this kind of thing.

Whatever. They're not concerned, so I won't be on this point. (Who said that? Me not worry about something. Go figure! Lol.)

I don't go back for 3 weeks. Which.Will.Put.Me.At.28!Weeks!5!Days!

In other words, if all goes as planned I will make it beyond the point I delivered the boys (28w3d) with NO "official" BED REST! (knock knock, spit, throw salt, etc. I don't want to jinx myself!)

Holla!

I didn't get any great shots of Baby Lo (still no name, I'm not holding out on you) this appointment. I did however get an awesome shot of him at the last appointment. Without further ado, meet little Baby Lo...

Isn't he just awesome! :-) I am not sure which of the boys he looks more like.

Shawn:

Jason trying to make off with Shawn's nose:

I am just so happy right now I can pop!

900

This is blog post 900. Wow. Three and a half years of my life summed up in those 900 little entries.

So many posts.

Such a wild ride. The highest of highs...the lowest of lows are not so neatly wrapped together with the bow of this blog.

It's mind boggling, really.

This little blog has been a lifesaver for me, and so have all of you. Thank you for reading and supporting me through all that life has been over these last few years!

---

I wanted to post something really cool to commemorate the milestone. In the long run, I prevented myself from saying anything, because let's face it, I am far from cool. :-) But...

Speaking of milestones, we've reached viability, baby! Woooowhoooo! I am 24 weeks today and not on bed rest. Yeah! My cervix is "nice and long" and closed. The cerclage continues to do its job. Double yeah! The Baby Lo is healthy, kicking like crazy. Triple yeah! I am doing fairly well with holding all the negative thoughts and fears at bay, too.

All looks really good with this pregnancy so far. That is all I can ask for at the moment.

Doom Update

I think I am finally on the mend. I know I keep saying that, but dude. Crap keeps popping up out of nowhere.

Take, for instance, my little rendezvous with IBS Wednesday night. I was up all night long every 15 to 20 minutes. Seriously. It was all night long. Plus, for fun I added in the bonus of throwing up while I was at it. Ugh.

Anyway, I was a bit out of it yesterday. Today I am feeling almost back to myself. My stamina is shot, but I'll get that back soon enough. Yeah.

I had a Doom visit today. Again, I was a bit thrown by the fact that it went well. I told them about the kidney stone/IBS drama, so we were all prepared to see some noticeable shortening of my cervix with all of the pain and strain I've been under. Surprisingly, it had only shortened 0.1mm! Whoot. All still looks good with the cerclage.

Baby Lo looked great. He was actually facing up (rather than toward my spine) so we got some great 3D shots of his face. (I'll post a pic soon.) His heart and brain still look awesome. One of his kidneys was slightly enlarged, but I am told that for boys that is common and usually amounts to nothing to worry about--we'll just keep an eye on it for the time being.

He's weighing 1 pound 8 ounces! Um, I am only 23 weeks tomorrow. (He is a BIG boy!)

I go back to Doom on the 27th for another cervix check.

So far, so good! Someone pinch me! :-)

P.S. I did a Flashback Friday post on the boys' blog. I can't believe how big they are now compared to then. It still amazes me!

A Few Follow Up Questions on the Previous Post

There were a few more questions that came up from yesterday's post. note: I am not a doctor, but I did do a lot of research when I was pregnant with the boys. What I am writing here is my take on what I found out...

---

From what I understand, choroid plexus cysts are actually fluid filled pockets of space within the part of the brain, the choroid plexus, that makes cerebrospinal fluid for the brain. They usually appear in the second trimester (most people find them during their 18 week scans) and are often gone by the third trimester. These cysts are found on anywhere from 1-3% of all babies and do not affect the baby's brain's function or the baby's personality.

There is quite the debate over these cysts. For some time, these cysts were associated with a higher than average risk of Trisomy 18 (I think the highest I saw was an increased risk of 1:300, although that was from dated data). But, with no other abnormalities to indicate Trisomy 18, many doctors now believe that the risk of miscarriage from an amnio is higher than the risk of a genetic disease. Often, the only recourse needed is to do a thorough ultrasound to check all major organs, etc. and wait/watch. An amnio would come in to play if the detailed ultrasound showed some other abnormality.

I believe that Dr. Doom was under the old school belief that the risk was elevated for Trisomy 18. Then when he couldn't rule out the clubbed foot problem for one of the babies, and I was nearing the 35 age mark, he pushed the amnios.

Had Is.aac and I been the patients we are today (and more prone to research the hell out of EVERYTHING before we agree to a doctor's suggestion), we would have came home and likely not had the amnios done. Besides, by the time we went back for the next ultrasound, the cysts were gone, so the point would have been a non issue then anyway.

As for the guilt, I don't know why I continue to hold on to that. I guess it is my attempt to have a reason...a cause...something...anything to blame the whole clusterfuck that was that pregnancy. Yes, I know the doctor recommended the amnios. Yes, he did tell us the risks. Yes, he was the one in the know and we do have to trust the doctor's expertise to some extent. But, we ultimately made the decision to do it. I end up blaming myself because...at least there is a reason then.

Do I carry that guilt with me at a conscious level on a day to day basis? No.

Do I wish that everything went a completely different way and I had the voice to say no to that amnio that I wish I had? Yes.

Does the guilt still shows up on occasion to say hello? Yes.

I KNOW that I made the best decisions I could make at the time. I really do.

I KNOW I tried everything in my power to keep those boys in me as long as possible.

My heart still struggles there, though. Sigh.

I suppose it is a way to continue to punish myself for my heart's belief that my body failed.

---

There hasn't been any conclusive reason to why my membranes ruptured. There are a couple of possibilities: 1) incompetent cervix in itself runs the risk of premature rupture, 2) the emergent cerclage also had the risk of premature rupture (infection was also a possibility, and we were all sick at the end. Don't know if the infection was there to begin with.), and 3) contractions that I didn't feel (I didn't really ever feel them even at the end before I delivered) that led to the rupture. Like I said, I had to have terb several times over that first day I was in the hospital for the rupture. Whether the rupture or the contractions came first is up in the air.

My OB was equally confused as to why Doom was saying to send me home. It makes me think all over again that he had really written that pregnancy off as unsaveable.

Sadly, I would have went home, too, had the OB not fought to keep me there. Thank goodness for him...he saved the boys with that call. I believe that with all of my heart.

This time, I will have the first course of steroids at 24 weeks as a precaution, with another series later in the pregnancy.

We're pulling out all the stops.

---

I have a hard time with the memory of Doom's continued comments on whether the boys were genetically normal. I do think it directly affected how he dealt with my pregnancy the entire time. I strongly believe that he would not have "helped" us had one of the boys been genetically abnormal. Is.aac feels that way, too.

I don't get that feeling from him this time, though...his office hasn't even bothered to call me about the results from the screenings. I have to ask. It's almost like they don't even care what the results are now. (although I am sure that the results are there for them to check before we speak to anyone) It's strange. It doesn't make me trust him any more than I would have otherwise, though.

I feel he is one of those "fair weather friends" who is wonderful as long as all is going well. As soon as a complication starts to brew, I am sure he will be completely different. Sigh.

---

Thank you for asking the questions. This really helps me clarify some things in my own mind, too.

The "punishing myself" part was an eye-opener...maybe just realizing that will help me combat those thoughts?

The Recap of the Boys' Pregnancy for Those Interested

or alternately titled "Why I Am So Damn Paranoid This Time Around..."

I had a question about my last pregnancy in the comments of my last post. I started to address the question there, but it turned out to be a lot longer than I expected! I figured it deserved a post all its own. (plus it gives me something to write about tonight) I hope when I write it all out, it will actually make sense.

Here is the comment from Roccie:

Hey Stacie. I want to ask you some questions that might be painful to relive. Can you help me understand what the challenges were for the twins that started at 20 wks? Was it the level II ultrasound?Are there posts you can direct me to so I can build an understanding?If I am overstepping my bounds, please let me know. I just think we are so alike,that sharing the information might feel like healing. When I can offer my experiences with severe genetic anomalies, it helps.

You are by no means overstepping any bounds here. Actually it is a good question. I am sure there a lot of people who have no idea why I am so freaked out by things this time.

Here is the drama in a nutshell:

I was referred to Dr. Doom, the perinatologist, by my RE because I was on the cusp of AMA and a twin pregnancy. My first scan with Doom was at 12 weeks. At that point, other than thinking the guy was incredibly strange it went okay. (As an aside, Doom had crazy hair. You know the kind--hair that doesn't seem controlled and sticks out all over the place. It's the kind of hair you see on the mass murderers mug shots on television. I told Is.aac that Doom's crazy hair made me worry about him. I should pay attention to those kinds of feelings! I could have saved myself from a bunch of worry.)

At my 16 week scan, Doom found that both boys each had two choroid plexus cysts on their brains, each boy had one in each hemisphere. The cysts were rather large, and let's face it, no one wants to see big black holes in what you know is your babies' brains. He led us to believe that this is a huge marker for Downs (although I have since found that it is a soft marker that is greatly disputed). One of the babies (Ja.son) also had what was believed to be at least one clubbed foot. It wasn't clear because of how he was holding his foot, though. While we went into that appointment with no desire to do any genetic testing outside of the normal screens (which came back normal at first tri), we were scared enough to have amnios done on both babies. Afterward, I started having what I considered to be Braxton Hicks contractions fairly often--nothing regular and they did not hurt, but I had them often enough to make me call Doom. He said it was BH and he'd check me at my next scan in 4 weeks.

Fast forward to 20 weeks, my cervix had shortened from over 4.0+ to 1.2 and had funneled. Sh.awn's foot was kicking at my cervix. With each kick, my cervix moved. That was bad news. Doom contacted my regular OB, scheduled my rescue cerclage for the next day, told me he hoped we'd make it to 24 weeks (but did say that I didn't have great odds at that), and generally traumatized us both. He did give me P17 shots, but said he didn't think it would make much difference to the outcome. The good news was that the cysts were gone, but I felt like all of this started because of an amnio I never really needed... I knew in my heart the boys would be fine, but I allowed myself to be frightened into doing a procedure I didn't really want. (cue guilt)

Had cerclage done by my regular OB and went home to strict bed rest--up only to pee and shower for 10 minutes or less every other day.

Every week we went back to Doom who still predicted dire results...we were just waiting until I delivered any day in his eyes. (at least it felt that way)

26 weeks exactly saw my membranes rupture. I knew what it was immediately. There was no possible way I could have had that much fluid in my bladder. No way at all. When you add in that one side of my abdomen had deflated and I was clearly lopsided when I looked down, it was pretty clear in my mind. I called Is.aac, and we headed off to L&D.

Doom had a tech meet us there to do an ultrasound. Fluid was lower around Baby A, but still on the low end of normal. Doom came in later to check me, but said that I did not rupture my membranes and I should go home.

My OB, on the other hand, actually did an internal and confirmed that he found ferning (a pattern that can be seen with a microscope when estrogen and amniotic fluid mix together and cause salt crystallization). He's the one who gave me the steroid shots and admitted me into the hospital to make sure I had the entire series. During that first night, I was given shots of terbutaline to stop contractions I never felt.

The contractions stopped so I was sent home with heavy duty antibiotics to ward off infection. I was scheduled for another Doom visit at the end of that week.

At 27 weeks, 3 days, I went back to Doom for another ultrasound. There he found that Baby A indeed had lower fluid (duh) and confirmed that I likely ruptured the last week (duh) and sent me back to the hospital to be admitted.

There I sat...well, lay in bed for another week before I delivered the boys. We all were pretty sick from some sort of infection that had set in after my membranes ruptured.

So that is pretty much the story. I don't trust Doom, as I am sure you can see why. Unfortunately, he is the ONLY peri within an hour of us.

I don't exactly trust my body either, again I'm sure you can see why.

As for the dates of the posts that refers to all of this stuff, the posts are between August 2007 to October 2007.

**Updated - I made Is.aac read this to make sure I got the details right. He said I pretty much did, but I didn't convey the fear that we lived in constantly during that time. He's right. I didn't. Doom was so, so negative every single time we saw him. It was a really hard time. Blah.

He also reminded me that I left out that Doom asked the tech every single appointment if the boys were genetically normal. We always had the impression that the only reason Doom gave a damn (if you can call it that) was because both of them were genetically normal. Had one or both not been...well, I don't think we would have gotten much help from him at all. Makes me sad to think about that.

Did You Hear It?

That giant exhale at about 2:53 pm Pacific time?

It was me!

Dr. Doom's appointment went really well. (gasp!) Baby is looking really good. It seemed like he was trying to wave his penis in just about every shot we looked at today. He is quite the exhibitionist it seems. :-)

But the best news is that my cervix is long and closed! Cerclage is holding strong.

Everything went so well, that I go back in three weeks. It would have been longer, but he'll be out of town and he wanted me to get checked before he took his vacation.

Yay!!!

Dr. Doom was all positive and cheery. It made me feel a bit like I had stepped into some sort of body snatchers situation, though. I am not used to positive and cheery from him. I had to resist the urge to check if there was someone behind me that he was talking to instead.

Whew. I have officially made it past the scary mark. (I was 20 weeks exactly when all hell broke loose with the boys)

Maybe this will work out okay?

Am I Strong Enough?

I spent the day trying to distract myself from what was happening next door. I cleaned. And cleaned--and probably over did it. But I was never quite able to pull myself out of my head.

And I physically jumped every time the phone rang--my heart sinking with the feeling it was them.

They sent a text at about 10:00pm. He is still alive, but fading. She said that Noah was ready--that they were ready. I've been crying ever since.

---

It physically hurts me to see them--when they come home from the hospital or even when I see that their car is gone because I know where they must be. I get a familiar pang of sadness when I see their haunted expressions or hear the latest updates on the baby. Ugh. I can literally feel the emotions of our own experience almost as if I am living them right now.

My neighbor's pregnancy and birth/NICU experience has truly sent my PTSD issues into a tailspin. I suppose it was bound to happen, as you can only bury things for so long before they find their way to the surface. Yet, it surprised me that I was having this effect from watching their experience mirror my own.

I also have to admit that I am not prepared for dealing with these feelings. My impulse is to squash them and push them neatly back into the compartment of my brain from which they came.

Oh boy have I tried to squash them.

---

If it can happen to my neighbors, who is to say that something won't happen to us? So, I've been second guessing myself today--afraid of all the negative that can/might happen. Because they do happen, even when it isn't fair.

Should we have tried for another baby?

Should I have been more aggressive and pushed a transabdominal cerclage rather than a vaginal cerclage? What if this cerclage isn't enough?

Should I assign myself to bed rest, even if the dr. doom isn't yet worried about my cervix length?

What if my body fails...again?

Are my worries just fear of the "what can happen" or intuition that I am not fully paying attention to? How do I know the difference? How can I truly trust myself anyway?

Sigh.

I recently told someone who was worried about the risk of another pregnancy that "you just take all the precautions you can. As you know, there never is a guarantee. I suppose there is a lot of faith that goes into that part. But, I will admit that having faith that things will work for you is incredibly challenging when you are used to life shitting on your head."

My faith has been shaken. That familiar fear of being shit on yet again is back. It feels today like it is just a matter of time before my world will shatter apart.

Again.

I wonder if this time I'll be strong enough to pick up the pieces.

---

As miserable as I've been all day long, it is nothing compared to what my neighbors are living. Oh how I feel for them...

The Visit With Doom

Dr. Doom, that is.

Overall, it went well, which is not to say that it was outstanding.

Good points:

• First trimester screening results: Trisomy 21 - risk of 1 in 1900. Trisomy 18 - risk of 1 in 4100. Results = screen negative.
• Blood pressure normal. Heart rate normal.
• Weight up 3 pounds in 5 weeks.
• Baby looked great. Growing ahead up to a week and a half in most areas. Length measured in as 20 weeks! What can I say? We make 'em big.
• Heart had four chambers. All looked well.
• Brain/head looked properly formed. No choroid plexus cysts (brain cysts) this time around. Yay!
• Internal organs were where they were supposed to be.
• Stomach and kidneys looked great.
• Baby was sucking a thumb. (Awww...)
• Hands/feet had fingers and toes.
• Fluid levels and umbilical cord looked normal.
• I got and filled my script for P17.
• Cerclage was holding tight.

The doctor said everything looked great with the baby.

The bad:

• Cervix was 2.5-2.8cm and dynamic. Boo. Was told to rest whenever I can, but I was not put on any type of restrictions. (With the boys, I was already at 1.2cm at this gestation.)
• There might have been a slight triangular tip of funneling. BUT...that just might be how my cervix is now. The doctor wasn't too concerned about that at this point. (WTF??!! Not concerned!!??)
• I am now officially worried about IC yet again.
• I go back in two weeks. Can we all just pray that my cervix isn't any shorter? Please?
• Sigh.

We learned the gender! Any guesses?

Free Web poll for your Web site - freepolls.com

I'll give you the answer on Sunday! (I'm mean, I know!)

Failed

So.

I mentioned last week that the boys had their last therapy sessions with Early Intervention. I got their "evaluations" in the mail this week, and I have to say that I was disappointed. I always think they low ball the boys' abilities. Whatever. They. Are. Rock. Stars.

I know what my boys are capable of, and that is what matters at the moment.

Except it isn't. Sigh.

As much as I want to, I can't keep the boys in my protective bubble.

Boo.

After a series of problems with our Regional Center (Early Intervention) we finally got our referral to the local school district for preschool. On Thursday, we take the boys to an "observation" by two psychologists and a speech pathologist to assess whether the boys qualify for services.

I am beyond nervous and a lot freaked out about the whole experience. If I am honest, I'll admit to being teary about it.

My whole being is screaming with the...wrongness of it all.

I hate that there are people whose job it is to pick apart my superheroes and find all of their weaknesses.

They won't focus on what can be done, only on what can't.

Yes, I get that they'll look for where the boys need the most help so they can address those weaknesses.

Yes, I get that (gasp!) these people might actually be able to help the boys achieve even greater things than they might have otherwise.

But, ugh. It feels awful to know that they will once again be judged..set apart...seen as different.

It breaks my heart.

As much as the mind knows I did everything I could--do everything I can to give my boys the best life possible, my heart still questions. It is times like these when the guilt ignites.

When I feel like I have failed them.

---

My next appointment with Dr. Doom is Friday. It will be my first cervix check since the cerclage. Every little ache or strange sensation has me worried.

Please let my body be doing what it is supposed to do.

I don't know how I'll handle failing another baby.

So. What does one get when her children and husband all have the plague and the go around licking her (the children), coughing their germs everywhere (all of 'em), and snoring at her all. night. long?

Yep, you guessed it. I am a lucky lady and have now joined the germ fest--with a nice little low grade fever for added giggles.

Fortunately, it is all in my head at this point (literally, not figuratively), but if my progression follows the same path of the others I'll be coughing up crap soon enough. Boo.

Especially because my husband has been doping himself up with Ny.quil every night in order to sleep, and well...as we all know, Ny.quil is not an option for me at the moment.

Sigh.

I still haven't quite figured out why the world must end the moment he feels an inkling that he might possibly be sick someday in the near future. I mean dude. You don't even have congestion and you are already in your sick bed? Come on already.

Let's not forget that while the world ends for him during his Ny.quil induced coma, it doesn't so much for the lone female in the family. Again. I need to say that not only does it not end, but it gets to go on without drugs! For relief!

Frankly that translates to total suckage if you ask me. (Not that I am complaining or anything...

...much. Ahem.)

---

Anyway, the OB appointment went well. I have had "nice growth" since he last saw me. I guess that is good? He said it with a kind of surprised voice, so who knows. The nurse had had me undress from the waist down because he would likely want to check the cerclage. I didn't exactly like that idea and was going to tell him. He actually came in and said he didn't want to "muck around in there" if he didn't have to, so we passed on it. I'll have it checked on the 5th at my ultrasound with Dr. Doom.

Heart beat was 150. Baby was kicking the Doppler while the OB was trying to get the reading. It was kind of funny really.

tmi alert: I did tell him that I have a bit of a new discharge since the cerclage. I did last time, too, so I wasn't surprised. (my body is trying to rid itself of the foreign element, the stitch, and is creating a lot my cm to do the job) Anyway, I got the confirmation that it was normal. I don't have an infection. He gave me a prescription for a creme to use, but I don't necessarily need to. I think for right now I'll hold off of it.

I go back in 4 weeks to my OB.

Peri appointment on 11/5.

Updating Through the Anesthesia Haze...

It's official. I am stitched and closed up tight. They did do general anesthesia, which was a relief to me. I wasn't' looking forward to the long stretch of lying flat and the headaches.

I was quite the star at the surgery center. They remembered me...and my hives. Luckily, there were no hives today. :)

The only blip in the experience was when they had trouble finding the heart beat after surgery. They tried three different times (and man it was hard to not let my panic overtake me by that point) before they finally called my OB in to look for it. He tried and couldn't find it either. (cue freak out) He asked if I had to pee and sent me off to the bathroom.

Thankfully, they found it right away after my bladder was emptied. Whew.

There is no discomfort really. I am still spotting every time I use the restroom. That should end within the next 24 hours. I have no cramping to speak of, but I do know that people have visited my nether region. Strange feeling.

Now I am off to go take yet another nap. Or eat. Hm. Both possibilities sound great.

Thanks for all the good vibes. I think they helped!