Happy Easter!

This has been a whirlwind weekend, what with Jack's birthday yesterday and Easter today. I swear I feel like I haven't slept for days.

First of all, I hope you all had a wonderful Easter! Ours was the kind of quiet wonderful I love--there was just enough chaos to make things interesting but not enough to make me stress. Perfect.

(The pictures are cross posted with the boys' blog.)

The boys' Easter baskets

Checking out their baskets this morning

They loved their books, matchbox cars, and Octonauts toys the Easter Bunny left. Sh.awn was pretty excited about his chocolate eggs, too. (Ja.son and Jack - not so much. Somehow they were not blessed? cursed with my chocolate loving genes.)

It was raining outside, so we had an indoor Easter egg hunt with the basket of eggs the Easter Bunny left. (The Easter Bunny doesn't hide them, he leaves a basket of eggs for us to hide later in the day.)

Easter egg hunt! Ja.son was a egg hunting madman!

Jack focused all of his energy on two eggs, which he
promptly destroyed with his teeth. Ha! He's loving his yellow egg here.
 

Sh.awn loved opening his eggs to see what was inside.
Whoa! I found three dollars!

 After a short nap, we headed over to my mom's house for Easter dinner.

Daddy and Jack playing before we ate.
Jack is in a full on "I love daddy" phase.
It really is sweet to see them together.

Shawn, on the other hand, is in a full on "I want ONLY mommy"
phase which is completely sweet and totally maddening at the same time.
I'm sorry, but daddy can wipe your butt, too, kid.

My mom also gave the boys Easter baskets filled with goodies. (It was funny how close the baskets she created was to the ones I created. I think it would be wise to talk about what we're adding to baskets next year.)

Ja.son playing with his Easter toys.

We headed home and the boys fell quickly to sleep. That gave Is.aac and I a chance to finally have some quiet time ourselves. I think it was the first moment of downtime we've had since Thursday night.

Look how happy we are!

All in all, this was a pretty fantastic day (and weekend!) for us. :)

I hope you had a very Happy Easter!

Almost Two!

In just under two hours, our little big guy will be TWO! We're so glad he's ours!

Mostly Wordless Wednesday

It fascinates me to see him moving along the world the way he does. I swear sometimes he even seems to defy gravity. He thinks about what he wants to do and then goes...just like that. It's mind boggling.

More than that, it's pretty damn amazing to me.

I don't think watching him explore is ever going to get old.

He loved playing with the lemon tree.
He can even reach the low ones!

 

 

Three more sleeps until the big TWO for our big one.

Homesick

Welcome
Home
Mom & Dad

I burst into tears when I saw the sign on the door as we walked up our front steps. "Welcome Home Mom & Dad," five of the most meaningful and longed for words of my life. Oh how I had waited for this moment. Finally, I was given the chance to bring one of my babies home from the hospital. I was so excited for the chance to actually parent my own child.

I can only describe that moment, holding Sh.awn in my arms, as feeling like I was almost there. When we walked through the door with Ja.son ten days later, my world was complete. We were all home. Together.

We had worked so hard to get me pregnant. We had tried so hard to keep me pregnant. We had watched hopelessly while our boys raged their own fights for their lives. All of that time I missed home--that place where I felt safe, protected, and calm. I hadn't had those feelings for months. I was home, but I wasn't really home until the boys were there with us.

I was homesick without ever going anywhere.

This sign, which like the one on the front door was placed by my mom that day, still hangs on our garage door after all of this time. I've seen it every day for a little over 5 years. Every day it still makes me catch my breath and remember just how lucky we are to be together.

~~~

My mom told me much later that she had put the signs up several times before but had to rush over at the last minute to remove them when the boys were not discharged as expected. She's pretty amazing, if I do say so myself.

~~~

Thanks to Ellen for this week's writing prompt, and to Tracey for inspiring me to write. :)

Friday Night Leftovers

It seems I have myself another night owl in the family. Jack is in there right now happily singing, laughing, and PLAYING a full 45 minutes hour and ten minutes after I put him in bed. He's also taken his pants off twice three times. Actually, I know he's just taken off his pants off again because he is doing his happy song. (Yep. He did take them off.) The boy definitely likes his naked time. Sigh.

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Speaking of the boy, he turns 2 in nine days. I'm hyperventilating here. It's going too fast!

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I swear this week was the week that would not end. By Tuesday afternoon I was exhausted. That is never a good sign. It didn't get any better from there.

My new boss just might drive me to drink, and that's saying something considering I don't drink.

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I read in the newspaper that the principal of the school my boys are (hopefully) attending was put on paid leave for the rest of the year because of...get this...Bullying. This doesn't exactly give me the warm fuzzies about sending the big boys off to school in the fall. :(

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I am planning on playing hookie from work on Thursday. Two girlfriends of mine and I are going to head to someplace fun for the afternoon. I. Can't. Wait!

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Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Therapy Fatigued

My boys have been in therapy for five years now. Do I think it has been worth our energy and time? In some ways. Maybe? Do I think that the gains made by the boys over those years would have been made otherwise without going to therapy? I'm torn. Physical therapy is beneficial. Occupational therapy is...frustrating. I think I do more targeted work on their fine motor skills than their therapists do. So why do we continue to do it? Sigh. I guess it is because I can't really say if it is or isn't truly helping them. 

What I can say is that I have a strong love/hate relationship with it.

I can also say that we've all officially hit the wall.

My spring vacation starts on the 29th. I have cancelled all therapy appointments during the two weeks I'll be off, so we can just be.

I am almost giddy with the excitement about us having this time off. Although I'll admit to feeling a whole lot of guilt about it, too. The boys are looking forward to doing fun things with mommy and staying up late to watch Bubble Guppies. (It's the little things that make them happy. lol) The excitement is enough to tell me that this is the right move and will be good for us.

PAIL Theme of the Month: High Standards (Edited)

This post is in response to PAIL's monthly theme on High Standards.

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How has infertility affected you as a parent now?

Sometimes I wonder which one has affected me more as a parent -- the length of time it took us to finally have our children or the prematurity. My guess is that while there are some lingering confidence issues from the infertility (it's hard to have confidence in your ability as a woman when you can't do something that is so very womanly), it is the trauma of the prematurity that has had the most impact on how I parent.

Did having more time to think and plan (due to infertility) make you a more ‘researched’ parent? If so, do you feel it has paid off?

Before the boys were born, I had actually done very little as far as research on parenting. I researched how to actually get pregnant relentlessly. Once I got pregnant, I read one baby book. I was so early when things went south on the pregnancy, and researching parenting during that time seemed too confident about the what the outcome would be. After the boys were born, I was given a book on parenting a premature baby (of which I read one chapter and cried so hard I had to put it down). My focus of the research I did while they were in the hospital centered on medical procedures. When the boys came home, I became the google queen on all things to do with prematurity/medical implications of their condition/therapy.

I will admit to succumbing to an informational overload about two years in, or right about when they were diagnosed with CP, and have relaxed some about constant research. Now I just do what I call a "problem" search. If I have a question on what I can do to solve a problem, I look it up.

Even with all that research, I still have no idea what I am doing. I've come to realize that none of us know what we are doing and every child is different even if someone did know. What works for them very likely won't work for us. And that's okay.

Do you feel the time you spent trying to become a parent means you should know more than the ‘average’ parent?

Believe it or not, this is not an area I beat myself up over. (As you could tell from the above answer.) We all do the best we can. Just because it took us longer to establish our family doesn't mean I should know more than everyone else.

Do you hold yourself up to a higher standard? What specific parenting standards do you have for yourself? (Are they about feeding, sleep, education, etc.)

Yes about certain things.

I very desperately want to do a good job and enjoy parenting my trio. When it takes years to finally reach what you've longed for, it feels downright ungrateful to not at least enjoy it.

The problem is that my kids are like all other kids. They push my buttons. They are not always well behaved. They challenge me and my parenting skills. They wake me up all night. They are kids.

I don't always respond to their behavior in the "best" way. I sometimes yell. I get frustrated. I go hide in the bathroom on occasion, so I can catch my breath. At those moments I don't enjoy parenting...

and I feel an immense amount of guilt over my weakness to be a better parent in those moments.

I love my boys with everything I've got, and dude, I don't think anyone can honestly say she enjoys when her child starts screaming and tantruming for who knows what at what always seems like the most inopportune time.

Still, it's hard to not feel like I should love every single second I've been blessed to have these boys in my life. I'm pretty sure these feelings are directly related to our battle with infertility.

Edited to add - You guys get that I do enjoy parenting my boys, right? I love being their mom and I love being with them -- 99.5% of the day. Yes, that 0.5% of the time can be challenging and rough and make me want to scream, but I still wouldn't trade my life or my kids for anything. I definitely don't want it to sound like I don't really like being a mom. Nothing is farther from the truth!

Is trying to be ‘succesful’ at parenting one of the ways you cope with having struggled with infertility?

I'm not sure my wanting to be "successful" at parenting has as much to do with my coping with our struggle with infertility as it does with me wanting to do everything in my power to give my boys the tools they need to be the best people they can be. I want them to see me try to do my best at being their mom, admit when I make mistakes, and apply the lessons I've learned as I go.

Friday Night Leftovers

Yea! Another Friday Night Leftovers on a Friday!

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It's been yet another crazy week. You'd think I'd be used to it by now. Apparently not.

~~~

There is a nun, dressed in a full on habit no less, who drives the same route as I do in the mornings. (I still haven't figured out where she is going, but she is there every day.) If I see her little tan Camry coming down the road, I try my darnedest to get in front of her. Usually I can, and all is well. Every single time she manages to turn onto the road in front of me, I cringe. She drives exactly the speed limit the entire way, and when I find myself behind her car, I can't bring myself to pass her.

Yes, I know. I am a nut, especially seeing that I am not Catholic, so it really shouldn't matter that she is a nun or that I pass her so long as I do so safely.

Right? Right!

Then why do I feel like passing her is like spotlighting that this girl here is some sort of wicked sinner?!

Because I am crazy, that's why. Leave it to me to be guilted by a religion I am not even practicing.

~~~

My neck is still a bit still, but it is so much better than it was on Monday. Today I even managed to sit in the chiropractor's torture massage chair for the entire 15 minutes without feeling like it was trying to kill me. (Seriously, I swear it felt like this thing was trying to bore holes through my body. I am a wuss when it comes to massage--the lighter the touch, the better.) Yea for progress.

The eye, on the other hand, has turned a brilliant shade of purple surrounded by a mellow lime green. I am gorgeous.

And yes, K. I have had a lot of black eyes from these kids Sh.awn. He's given me the black eyes, and he's also the one who hit my chin and ruptured my ear drum. That kid owes me. Just saying. :)

~~~

There has been a lot of noise about Google Reader being discontinued. I'm pretty sure this doesn't directly affect me as I've only read through Google Reader on rare occasions while I've been at work.

Or does it?

If I read through the Blogger dashboard, will that be affected, too?

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New's Flash: According to a new Duke University study, women get grumpier than men when they are sleep deprived.

Really?

We had to spend money and countless hours studying this kind of thing? Seems like it is common sense that people would be grumpy if they don't get enough sleep.

~~~

Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.

Fun Times - Or Not

When you've have a child who struggles developmentally or physically, you end up going to a lot of doctor appointments. Often they are exams that spotlight yet another weakness or concern. (Even so called follow-up appointments have been eventful.) You just never know what the appointment will hold until you are there, which is annoyingly difficult to deal with for a planner like me; it's no surprise, then, that I've learned to really, really dread doctor appointments. I end up stressing about them for days beforehand. It's not exactly the healthiest way to deal with things, but my default behavior is to expect the worst and walk away surprise when nothing new is addressed.

Today was Jack's 2 year checkup. I have been a mess for days over it. I have worried myself into a state of freaking out over what might happen. What? I had no idea, but I figure it would be something. He doesn't talk enough. He doesn't walk/run/climb enough. He doesn't eat well enough. He's too big. He doesn't do something enough. Ugh. The possibilities were endless. Sigh.

As much as I don't actually live my day to day life as such, it is hard to shake that feeling of impending doom when it comes to all things medical.

Thankfully, it went well. He did have enough words. He walks/runs/climbs appropriately for a two year old. Picky is normal. Yes, he is the size of an average FOUR year old (can you freaking believe that?), but he's following his own growth curve and is fine. He was deemed fine, which my heart knew even if my brain has a form of doctor PTSD and believe it.

Next up on the doctor list are some big appointments for the big boys: neurology (another one I dread), orthopedic, orthotics for new AFO's, and an eval for water therapy. The worrying has already begun.

~~~

I woke up on Monday morning unable to turn my head. It took three Advils and a heating pad on my neck before I could even manage to get out of bed. It was awful.

I ended up having to go to the chiropractor that day, today, and will go back on Friday. I am hoping that will be enough to get me back to as normal as possible.

~~~

While I was lying on the couch, nursing my newly adjusted, yet still sore neck, Sh.awn took it upon himself to build a parking lot around me. He was about five cars into it when he torpedo threw a car. (This kid has a freakishly strong arm for throwing.) My sore neck prevented me from bobbing and weaving like normal. Before I even knew what happened, the metal die cast car hit me in the eye just under my brow bone.

OMG, you guys. My eye instantly swelled up and turned black and blue. The car actually cut me and made me bleed. Each day the bruise is getting bigger. (Now it is down the side of my eye and slightly under it.) It's still swollen and majorly sore even two days later.

Fun times.

Or not.

Parents of Preemies Day

Today is Parents of Preemies Day.

Times two!

Nothing has rocked our world as much as prematurity has. I don't say those words lightly either, because we have had a lot of shaking in our lives--Infertility, RPL, Difficult pregnancy, Multiples, Loss, and now Cerebral Palsy.

It is prematurity, though, that has single-handedly altered the journey we thought we'd take and put our family on the path it's on today.

To be honest, I'm not comfortable with the focus of that time being on me or us. My husband and I did what we had to do...what I believe most people would do in the face of a crisis. But while the boys (with the help of doctors and nurses) did the hard work of kicking NICU butt, I need to remind myself there is something to be said about our role in making them into the happy, healthy boys they are today.

So today I'm taking just a few moments to reflect on our experience during the 100 days our boys spent in the NICU.

I am recognizing the courage and commitment it took to for us to stay strong and resilient when our world was turned upside down by the boys' arrival into our family twelve weeks early.

We did it.

While I am fiercely proud of my boys, I am damn proud of us, too.

I am proud of all of the parents who fight for their kids when they are in the hospital and continue to fight for their kids for the rest of their lives.

So to everyone out there who has had a child or family member in the NICU, today is your day to be acknowledged. Happy Parents of Preemies Day!

Twenty Questions

This is a Pail questions post. See other responses here. :)

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What was the last thing you threw in the garbage/recycling?

A Pepsi can. Oh I do love me some Pepsi. Before that, it was a cat food can. lol

What’s the #1 most played song on your iPod?

I've been listening to I Heart Radio on my iPhone. Favorite bands at the moment are Fun and Maroon 5. I like "Girl On Fire" by Alicia Keys, too.

What is your favorite quote?

"Things turn out the best for those who make the best out of the way things turn out." -- Art Linkletter

That pretty much says it all.

What chore do you absolutely hate doing?

While I am never one to be excited about chores, most don't bother me all that much. But cleaning the bathroom toilets is the worst. Gag me.

What is your favorite form of exercise?

I am not an exercise person exactly. I stay active and do lots of walking/child chasing. I don't have any type of favorite thing I would do to get exercise, though.

What is your favorite time of day/day of the week/month of the year?

Time of day- night. I am a night owl by nature. That, of course, makes getting up in the morning not very much fun.
Day of the week- Thursday (work) and Saturday (family). We go out to eat lunch every Thursday at work. I love getting the chance to unwind away from campus during the day. Saturday is a fav because we try to do something fun with the boys.
Month of the year- July. It is my one full month of being a stay at home mom. :)

What is on your bedside table?

A bottle of Advil, lotion creme, a box of kleenex, a matchbox car, a phone, my iPad, and a lamp.

What is your favorite body part?

On me? Um...I like the color of my eyes. I appreciate straight teeth and nice smiles on others.

Would you use the power of invisibility for good or evil? Elaborate.

Hm. As much as I would love to honestly say I'd use the power for good, the possibilities for evil are a bit exciting, so I can't know for sure that I'd be able to behave myself all the time. Let's face it, there are plenty of conversations to listen in on, practical jokes to play, and even frustrations to act out. Ahem. There are also quite a few nice things I'd like to do without the receiver knowing who was doing them. :)

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

I think 30 was a pretty good age for me. I was no longer so young looking that I got carded everywhere I went, but I wasn't old enough to have to worry about my health. I was fairly established in my career at that point, just got married, and had just bought our house.

What is the first thing you would do if you won the lottery?

I think I'd love to take a nice family trip somewhere first. Then I'd make sure all of our bills were paid. I'd set up some sort of fund for the boys and both of our mothers. Then I'd invest.

What is your biggest pet peeve?

I get so annoyed at people who complain about how horrible things are fail to do anything to change their situation. If you don't want to do the work to try to make things better, then I don't want to waste my energy hearing you talk about it.

If you could know the answer to any question, what would it be?

What does life have in store for the boys? It's a double edged sword to get the answer, but I think I would like to know.

At what age did you become an adult?

Thirty-five. The big boys were born. Prematurity. NICU. Death of my dad. It was the year I truly felt all encompassing fear for the first time. It was also at that point that I really understood what it meant to love something more than you love yourself.

Recommend a book, movie, or television show in three sentences or less.

My new guilty pleasure is Double Divas. Oh, man that show makes me laugh!

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

I stayed out all night with Is.aac when we were 17. We were parked at the bowling alley talking (just talking even!) and we fell asleep. My mom was frantic by the time I came home at 5 am.

What was the first album you bought with your own money?

a-ha - Hunting High and Low. I bought it when I was 12 with some money I got for my birthday that year.

If someone wrote a book about you, what would be the title?

"Too Little, Too Much, Not Enough"

What story do you wish your family would stop telling about you?

There aren't really any stories they tell about me. There is the one that Is.aac likes to tell about putting a grape up my nose. (The man is obsessed with my "tiny" nose. When he found a small grape, he hypothesized that even that small grape was larger than my nostril. It wasn't.)

True or false: The unicorn is the greatest mythical creature. State your case.

False. Unicorns are beautiful and magical for sure, but the greatest mythical creature is most certainly a Phoenix. A Phoenix rises from the ashes to be reborn. How can you go wrong with that?

Weekend Leftovers

Jack has had an explosion of words as of late. I'd guess he's still probably "behind" as far as his number of words go, but the boy has started saying three word phrases and clearly expresses his wants/needs. It is so exciting to watch.

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Ja.son was unusually quiet Friday afternoon. Said his throat hurt. By the evening, he was using me as a human pillow. He was out of it all Saturday. Poor guy.

Last night, my throat started to hurt. I was out of it much of today.

This morning both Sh.awn and Jack are stuffy. Tomorrow is going to be fun, I'm sure.

Fingers crossed that this is fast moving.

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I'm looking for quick, fun reads for my IPad. I've shied away from serious drama for a while now. Does anyone have a recommendation of something?

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We have a series of doctor appointments coming up for the boys--neurology, orthopedic, orthotics for new AFO's, and an evaluation for water therapy. Ugh. I hate this time of year.

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I had been waking up every morning with a sore neck and hurt back. Last Sunday I had Is.aac go get us a new mattress topper. Oh my have I been in heaven. My bed feels so good. Now if I could only stop my brain at night, I'd really be doing good.

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I put this on the boys' blog, but it totally cracks me up: This is the conversation we woke up to this morning, which they had in our bedroom doorway.

Shawn: You want to go with me to talk to mommy and daddy?
Jason: Yeah
Shawn: Well, come on! Let's go!

Isaac: SHHHHH...

(Quiet for a minute or so...)

Jason: Let's go. Shhhh.
Shawn: Ok. You go first.
Jason: No, you be the leader. I'll be the behind-er.
Shawn: Ok.

(He enters the room)

Shawn: Excuse me, daddy...are you up yet?

(Meanwhile Jason had hightailed it out of there and was in the safety of the living room.)

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I got my tax refund and my paycheck last week. Yippee! I also get a cost of living "bonus" from work this week. Yippee! I'm saving this to add to my class size stipend I'll get at the end of the school year. (The only benefit to having class sizes of 37, 37, 36, 39!, and 32 is that we are paid extra money for every student we have over an average of 28 students per class.) Maybe just maybe we'll get to do a Disney trip again. ;)

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Stop by Danifred's for more Leftovers.