Friday Night Leftovers - Saturday Edition

• I feel like time is slipping away from me, but I lack the motivation to do much about it. What is up with that?
• I have definitely decided this will be my last week of work. It is getting harder and harder to make it through the day without being completely wiped at the end of it. It is also really hard to keep up with my water during the work day as I just can't run off to the bathroom when the urge hits. That has led to a few nights of some dehydration contractions. Not fun.
• I'll ask for my letter on the 9th. That is the day of my fetal cardiologist appointment and an OB appointment. It is going to be a long day.
• The cousin I've been telling you about had her baby on Thursday. She was 5 pounds 7 ounces. She ultimately had to have an emergency c-section and is having a tough recovery. I don't have much info because she had lost a lot of blood and has been out of it, but I do know she had to have at least 2 pints of blood. I think the baby is doing well.
• We got news last night that Is.aac's brother and sil are adopting a baby in June. I am incredibly excited for them. They have done several ART procedures, including IVF, without a single bfp. On top of that, they've been married for 20 years this June and have never used birth control. They had reached the point of living with the fact that they'd likely never have a child of their own. This adoption just sort of fell into their laps and it seems like a perfect fit. :-) I so hope everything continues to go well and they really do get to have the baby they always wanted!
• I am feeling a bit off today--tired and blah. Ugh.
• "The Sick" is still hanging around. Is.aac finally succumbed to its power and now has the runny nose and cough. Sigh. At least he gets to take Nyquil. Won't be long until it makes its rounds again.
• Got our taxes back! Wooooowhooooo! It looks so pretty in our bank account...
  
• Here is a question for you. Do any of you have a blog designer you'd recommend. I like Pink Armchair Designs (who did this blog), but I am thinking of something different for the boys' blog, and what I am imagining doesn't exactly fit in with that designer's style. I am thinking I'd like it to continue with the whole sports/boys will be boys kind of theme that it has had all along. I want to change the name from 2 to 3 for te.am l.o.p.e.z. and maybe have some characteratures or cutsie figures of the boys and the baby (fingers crossed) with something boyish like trains or cars or...something. Ideas?

On This Day...

Today is an anniversary of sorts. It is the day that everything in my world was turned upside down. It ranks on the top ten list of the scariest days in my life, and with the way my life has gone this past year, that is saying something.

On this day last year, my water broke.

As is the case on anniversaries, the memories have flooded back. Many of them are not so great. I have been weepy and the dreams have made yet another appearance. Maybe, though, this will take me one step closer to coming to terms with that time, a hill I have to climb to take me just a little farther from the pain of all of that. Maybe this will help me heal.

I sure hope so.

I think I am ready to focus on the tomorrows and not be continually sucked back to the yesterdays.

Maya had a beautiful post this week about her feelings from a year ago when she went into preterm labor. Our pregnancies were similar in so many ways--we got pregnant at roughly the same time, our betas were almost the same, we were pregnant with twins, we both went into preterm labor the same week, and we ultimately delivered early, although she was able to hold on for two precious weeks longer than I did.

So, because we have so much in common, I am borrowing this idea of hers (I hope you don't mind, Maya).

On this day a year ago...

...I was exactly 26 weeks pregnant.

...I had been on complete bed rest for 6 weeks. And when I say complete, I really do mean complete--up only to go to the bathroom and shower for ten minutes every other day.

...I had stayed up late, unable to sleep. The babies were playing soccer, or whatever it was they did in there, every time I tried to close my eyes.

...I woke up at 9:00 am with the urge to go to the bathroom.

...I didn't make it the ten steps to the bathroom before my sweats were wet.

...I called Isaac at work, crying hysterically, because I knew something was wrong, and it was much too early for something like this to happen.

...I called my doctor to say that I had either lost control of my bladder or my water had broken. He told me to head to labor and delivery right then.

...I waited for Isaac to come home from work so we could make the scary ride to the hospital. I told myself over and over that it was too early, it was too early. I pleaded with God that this was just me peeing my pants and nothing more.

...I walked to the labor delivery ward, leaking the entire way. We weren't ever really sure where to go. We hadn't had the hospital tour yet and I had never been there before.

...I listened to the OB and the perinatologist disagree about whether my membranes had ruptured. The OB thought yes; the perinatologist, who was mister doom and gloom for most of my pregnancy, thought no.

...I saw my two sweet little men on the ultrasound monitor, acting as if nothing was amiss.

...I had the test that did show traces of amniotic fluid.

...I learned that Jason's sac (baby A) had ruptured, probably up high, which meant a slow consistent leak.

...I had our first scary discussion with the neonatologists about what birth at 26 weeks would mean to my babies. It didn't look good for the boys.

...I was told that girls are often stronger than boys when it comes to premature births.

...I was told that each day I was able to stay pregnant would increase their chance of survival 5%.

...I was told that most people who had their membranes rupture prematurely usually delivered within a week.

...I had the first of the two steroid shots given to help the babies' lungs mature; we prayed that they would wait for at least the 24 hours needed for the steroids to have an effect before they were born.

...I had my first shot of terbutaline to stop the contractions that I didn't feel but were, according to the monitors, two minutes apart.

...I felt the side effects of that drug for the first time. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it would not be the last.

...I started what would end up being a month of mega doses of antibiotics to try and ward off infection and keep the babies as healthy as possible. (We managed to get sick, and two of us nearly died, from an infection anyway.)

...I spent my first night ever in a hospital attached to two monitors for the babies, a third monitor for contractions, a blood pressure cuff, an IV for fluids and antibiotics, and a heart rate monitor for me.

...I was the most frightened I had ever been in my life up to that point.

...we began the countdown to the boys' birth.

In 17 days the boys turn 1.

May the healing begin.

He is finally home. We are now complete.

I don't really know what to do with myself yet. I am torn between smiling like a fool and crying like a baby. I am trying to be cool about all of this, but I am filled with such raw emotion...

I am so happy that I think I am going to burst.

It amazes me that something so sweet and tiny can, a lot of the time, smell so absolutely FOUL! Clear the room foul. Make your eyes water foul. Gag me foul. (and I have a pretty tough gag reflex, too)

It wouldn't be quite so bad if it was only every once and awhile. But, no. There is a continuous stream of gas coming from the rear end of this boy at all times of the day. Thankfully, there are brief moments when the air clears and I can nuzzle his little head and smell that soft baby scent. Otherwise, I don't know how I would cope!

All I know for sure is that he didn't get it from me! :-)

My Poor Fur Babies

A blended family always needs to go through an adjustment period while each member figures out where he or she falls in the family hirearchy. We are going through such an adjustment now.

My cats have been my babies for several years now. I love them and consider them a valuable and irreplaceable part of the family. So, of course I worried about how the addition of two little babies would affect them. Would I be able to give them enough attention and time to ensure that they stay happy and not feel like they have been replaced by Shawn and Jason?

When I first brought Shawn home, the cats were less than impressed with this loud bundle of joy. He would cry (scream might be a more accurate word) and the cats would go scrambling for the garage or my bedroom, whichever point would get them the furthest from the baby. They were skittish and unhappy about the whole thing. Gracie, who only has eyes for me, took all of this especially hard. She had even taken to throwing up a few times a day while she dealt with this new stress.

I did what I could to comfort them and make them feel like all was well. When I would nap while Isaac had Shawn, I would take them with me to the bedroom so they could get some undivided snuggle time with mama. Slowly but surely, the cats would come closer and closer to Shawn to smell him and get to know him. It took quite a while, and it was painful sometimes to watch, but they were aclimating to the new situation.

Fast forward a few days, and I am happy to report that everyone seems to be settling in to a new routine. Now, instead of running from his cries, the cats will follow me around while I try to console Shawn. Often, they will cry, too, in a show of support for Shawn's distress. While they still don't want to get too close to the baby, they will now stay in the same room with him and don't freak out when he moves suddenly or makes a new noise. Gracie has stopped getting sick and throwing up all over the place. Not too bad for only one week, I think!

Now I wonder what it will be like when Jason comes home. I hope the cats don't unite in protest and do something to me in my sleep! :-)



And I can't get spell check to work for some reason. If you catch an error, overlook it and attribute it to a mind numb from little sleep. Thanks...

How Are Things Going?

How are things going? I am having so much fun! And to top it off, if Jason continues doing as well as he is, he is schedule for release on SUNDAY!!! YIPPEE!!

Shawn has said screw you to the schedule the NICU placed him on--he would eat every three hours there and often had to be woke up to eat. Here, he has decided to want to eat every two hours. The delima is that he will eat no more than two and half ounces no matter how long he waits between feeds. That means that I have to feed him more often so he'll get all the calories he needs for the day! That leaves me like this...

He is still having trouble eating, too. That leaves me like this...

In case you can't tell, I have purple sweat pants on, a blue t-shirt, a grey sweatshirt, and blue slippers. This was all I had left after Shawn projectiled (thankfully only once) onto my last clean pair of good sweats. My hair is in disarray and hadn't been combed yet--at 3:00 pm.

And you know what? I LOVE IT!!! I still can't wait for Jason to come home!

Good news. Jason is off of his oxygen and feeding tube (again). He is back up to taking his feeds on demand again, too. Yeah. They have taken him off of all of his medications except his antibiotic for his bladder infection (gento.mycin) and his anti-seizure medication (kepp.ra). He has now gone two days without an apnea (A's) or bradycardia (B's) alarm. Double yeah.

Tomorrow is day seven of the stupid antibiotics for his bladder infection. His course of antibiotics will take from 7-14 days, with the expectation of around 10 days being enough. That puts us to Friday for the repeat urine culture.

The apnea/brady alarms will probably mean around another 5 days from today, assuming he has no other alarms. He has to be alarm free for a week. They have said that the A's and B's were directly related to the medication he had been given and wasn't something that he would do had he not had all of that. I am not sure if that makes a difference. That would mean we would have to wait until Saturday. Sigh.

At that point, they will again evaluate whether he can come home. All clear urine culture + no A's and B's may mean homecoming on Saturday/Sunday.

Keep everything crossed that this week goes by smoothly and very quickly.

Here are a few pictures to commemorate Shawn's big day...

Putting on his going home outfit.

Proud daddy and his little boy.

Mommy, daddy, and Shawn.

Mommy (notice that I am already tired here--it was a long night and morning) and Shawn.

Here we are again...Shawn was tired of the pictures at this point.

Putting on his jacket...almost done!

Shawn saying "See ya, suckers! Let's get outta here!"

We are having so much fun. Things are going well so far--I hope I didn't just jinx myself with that. I think we could spend hours just looking at him (our own little Shawn-o-vision).

We can't wait for Jason to join us!

Jason update:

Things are looking better and better today for Jason. He is back to bottle feedings, to his delight. He is having some apnea episodes, but the doctor feels this is just his body dealing with the anti-seizure medication (which can take anywhere from 40-200 hours to leave his system) and the sedation medication he was given.

It is challenging going to see him, though, because Shawn cannot go back in the NICU. Isaac and I are taking turns staying with Shawn and visiting Jason. I really can't complain, though, as long as he continues to improve and progress toward his own homecoming!

He's home. Shawn is home. I am sitting here staring at my beautiful little boy. It is bittersweet that Jason isn't here and is sick, but he will get here, too.

Sigh. I am in love.

The call we got this morning was scary. I know the nurse who called was scared. It was clear in her voice while we talked. Both of us were preparing ourselves for whatever was ahead of us. It sounded bad.

We got to the hospital at about 8:00. By that time, Jason had already taken it upon himself to expedite his extubation and pulled it out himself. His breathing had improved, so they left him off of the ventilator and put him on an oxygen cannula instead. He is still being supported by cannula right now, and I suspect that he will be for a few more days.

Jason had a head ultrasound, a complete blood work-up, an EEG, and various other tests to try to figure out what happened. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately, not sure which yet), they haven't found anything that may have caused him to have seizures.

The theory right now is that Jason was traumatized by several things late yesterday, that led to his body reacting in this way.

Here is a run down of what is thought to have led to the seizures.

• Jason is on an IV for his antibiotics. I told you that the line was placed in his head. Well, the IV had to be replaced yesterday because it was no longer allowing his antibiotics through it. They sedated him with a drug (a slightly higher dose than he has had before) so they could start a new IV. The seizures started about an hour after this drug was given.
• He had started to "twitch", so they gave him another drug, ati.van, to help him calm the twitches. This caused him to twitch even more. I informed the doctor that Jason has already had a reaction to ati.van after his hernia surgery. (not sure why this was news to them. will ask the nurse that had him the day of the surgery if she recorded the twitches on his chart.)
• They tried to re-insert an IV in his head, which didn't work. They moved to his arm, which didn't work, and ended placing an IV in his foot. He was repeatedly poked, of course, and lost blood from each of these IV locations. He had also lost some blood from his original IV in his head. In total, he lost enough blood to lower his hemoglobin level to 6. The NICU doesn't want the number below 10.
• He is also on an antibiotic that I had a severe reaction to.
• His immune system is still developing and fragile, and was dealing with his bladder infection.
• He is at a higher risk of seizures because of the shunt itself. (hmm...struggling with this being included here because I feel like this shouldn't have happened in the first place, and it irritates me that they like to include the shunt in their list of possibilities. but, they included this in their theory, so I'll include it too)

The thought is that all of these factors led to a sort of overload for him.

To help keep him stable, the doctor will keep him on the anti seizure medication for 3-4 months before slowly weaning him off of it. This will let his system stabilize more and prevent anything else like this from happening while he continues to get bigger and stronger.

What does this mean? Well, it means that we just progress as we have been doing. First was to stop the cycle that had started with the seizures by giving him the medication. Second, he will have a blood transfussion to bring up his hemo levels. Third is to continue to fight the bladder infection with antibiotics. Fourth, is to get him stable and strong enough to come home. Potentially, even with all that has happened, he could still come home when his course of antibiotics is done.

When we left the hospital a little while ago, we were feeling much better about how he was doing. He wasn't as pale as he had been, the seizing had stopped, and they were going to start him back on formula (which will make him VERY happy).

He is definitely our little healer/warrior.

I think I lost 10 - 15 years off of my life with this little scare!

Both of us are off to take a nap now. We are beyond exhausted, as you can probably understand. I'll update with more information as it comes in...

In other news, Shawn will come home today. I signed him out already, but they are holding the paperwork so we could come home and get some rest before we bring him home. They offered to keep him one more day, but I don't want to tempt fate. Wonder why it would make me nervous for him to stay one extra day?

Updated at the bottom...

Ahh, what would life be without yet another twist? Jason's picc line stopped working (why is still unclear) so they had to put in another IV. They sedated him so they could start working on a new IV, and Jason starting twitching. They gave him another sedative (ati.van) to see if that would stop the twitching and it didn't. So...

The thought was that this was a seizure. So they gave him an anti-seizure medication. An EEG is scheduled for tomorrow and they ordered a complete blood work-up.

He has no fever, no fussiness, no indications of illness (except the bladder infection that caused no symptoms).

The doctor called me a little while ago to tell me what happened. I asked if the sedative could have been the cause of the twitching.

The answer is yes it could and that is what he thought at first, but usually ati.van stops the twitching if that was the cause. I told him that Jason had already had "ati.van twitching" after his hernia surgery. When he learned that Jason has already had a reaction to ati.van, he said that would explain why it didn't help when he gave it to him. (duh) He said the info I provided made him lean a little more toward this being a reaction to the medication.

They are still proceeding with the further testing to reassure everyone that it isn't actually seizures, but a reaction to the sedation drugs instead.

This may be naive of me, but I don't think that we'll find this was a seizure. Maybe my radar is just overloaded and not working properly. It just doesn't feel like it to me. It is not like I have a medical degree or anything, but I just think this was a reaction to the sedatives.

Hopefully we'll know more tomorrow.

On another note, Shawn may come home tomorrow. Again, I'll believe it when there is a baby in the car, but I suppose it is a possibility.

Update:

After seeing Jason, I don't know what to think. Whatever he is doing (twitching or seizing) continued for awhile after the doctor called me. They gave him the anti seizure meds while I was there, and it did stop whatever he was doing and sedated him. I have several theories that I am pushing on the doctor, of which all are plausible.

1. Reaction to the antibiotic. This is the same antibiotic that I had a severe reaction to while I was in the hospital. (the one that made me so sick that they quarantined my room and assigned the infectious diseases doctor to me only to later find that I am allergic to this stuff) A side effect of said drug is muscle twitching. Dr. seems to think that if he was having a reaction to the antibiotic, he would have reacted yesterday, right after his first dose. Of course, I countered that with the fact that it took me two weeks before I reacted to it, and I was getting doses of it every 6 hours. So, this theory remains for me.
2. Reaction to sedation medication. Also known side effect is muscle twitching/seizures (according to the med journal the charge nurse looked the med up in tonight)
3. Ati.van - the second sedation medication given to stop the twitching that started after first sedation meds. We already know that he had pretty severe twitching after the use of this drug.
4. A combo of both sedation medications worked a number on his poor system.
5. The picc line in Jason's head was no longer working, so they were replacing it. The first picc line bled, of course. I am told quite a bit. So, they had played with his head, and he lost blood. They tried to reinsert the picc line two more times (back in his head--don't get me started on this one because it just boils me and makes me get ugly) each being unsuccessful and causing further blood loss from his head. They ultimately put a regular IV in his foot, so that was the third IV attempt at the time. In other words, they traumatized him.
6. Any/all combination of the above working together.

All of these scenarios piss me off because I truly believe none of this would have happened had I taken him home on Sunday. They redid his blood work, and wouldn't you know that Jason has absolutely zero signs of having any infections. zero. Granted, they did not do a culture on his urine again, but he was in mid range for his cbc readings.

Yes, my friends, I think they erred on the side of caution and then made him sick. I do believe that because literally, this happened within a few minutes. He was fine, and then they wanted to start his antibiotic and do his picc line, and then he was sick. It is not a coincidence that this picc line and the medications are in the center of everything.

I am surprisingly calm about all of this. Angry and on fire, but calm. I made my points with all involved. Thankfully, whatever he was doing had stopped, and I pray it doesn't return, so now we are left with figuring out what happened. He will still have his EEG done in the morning, but I will bet that it shows no seizure activity.

I am working on questions that I'll talk to the Dr about tomorrow. If you have any suggestions, please let me know.

And Shawn just might come home tomorrow. I know I already said that, but I think it needs repeating. He gained weight, and that was the condition fav. doctor gave me on the phone tonight. Even asked specifically about a certain amount of weight, and he said just a gain--said he'd do better at gaining at home anyway (oh really?). So, I still will believe it when I see it, but it could happen.

Updated at 6:29 am 1/25/08 - Jason is back on the ventilator. Don't know what is going on. Still waiting for tests and results to be finished. Has what appears to be another seizure at 5:19 in which he was "close" to coding. Scared shitless. Pray for him.

You're probably wondering about Shawn. I really have no idea when they'll release Shawn. The only hurdle he has is his bottle feedings. It is a struggle to get him to eat by bottle, and he fusses a lot of the time, especially in the beginning. He will take it, and he wants it, but you must have patience and persistence to get him to finish. I attribute this difficulty to acid reflux. When he eats, a little of the formula and stomach acid slips back up into his esophagus. It burns, and it is painful--hence the fussing.

The problem is that the nurses don't always have the time (or patience) to work Shawn through his entire bottle. Once he starts to fuss, the nurses tend to go for his feeding tube to gavage the rest of his food. So, on paper, Shawn doesn't finish a lot of his bottles. He can (and does when Isaac and I are there to feed him), but he doesn't because when he starts to fuss, they give up on him. It is a vicious cycle. (I do want to say that not all of the nurses are like this, but there are enough of them.)

I have talked to the doctor about this issue, and he doesn't think that his acid reflux is any worse than that of other babies. I beg to differ, but I can't seem to get them to agree. There is medication to help Shawn deal with this, but again, the doctors are leery of giving it to him.

I finally got them to remove Shawn's feeding tube late yesterday. I am hoping that this will end the temptation to give up while the nurses are feeding him. I don't want to jinx anything, but Isaac had a good night with him last night (with only minor fussing), so maybe things are resolving themselves slowly but surely. There is a catch, though. When Shawn bottles his entire feeding, he burns more calories. This translates into weight loss. He lost an ounce last night. This wasn't unexpected, but he definitely can't come home if he continues to lose weight. And for someone (me) who never had to give calories a second thought, all of this calorie/weight stuff is challenging (and depressing). Sigh.

They placed Jason's IV line in his head. Thankfully, they didn't shave his head before they put the IV in, which would have made me blow a gasket. He doesn't have that much hair to begin with and he already is bald on the back of his head from his surgery, so shaving his head would have killed me. I do have to say that it is odd to see him with the IV there. He doesn't seem to mind, so I guess that is all that matters. It does tether him back to the IV pole, which is sad. We had just got him disconnected from the major monitor only to add that. It will be extremely nice to hold the babies without a bunch of wires connected to them!

Isaac pushed the doctor into doing the same tests on Shawn that were done on Jason. Hopefully they won't find anything, but if they do, we want to get it treated now and not wait until he is ready to go home. Neither Isaac or I want to go through the same situation with Shawn that we went through with Jason. You better bet that the next time they say I can take one of the boys home, there will be a baby in the car before they know what hit them.

I am still not in a good place, but I am doing what needs to be done. It isn't like I can't. Somehow, we all have to find a way to go forward and get things done, even when we would rather dig a hole and bury ourselves in it. The light is at the end of the tunnel (although I swear it is on a major dimmer switch right now), so I am trying to focus on that and not on my misery at the moment. Ten days. I can do ten days. Now we are at 9 days. See things are already a little better than they were yesterday. (believe that?)

My resilience is almost at its end, though. I am finding it harder and harder to pick myself up to move on to the next hurdle. There have just been so many without any breaks. It has gone on for so long. I am tired.

I also have to admit that it is VERY hard for me to go to the hospital, and I have to resist the urge to turn around at every corner. But once I am there, it is usually okay. Hard, but okay. I have never been especially fond of hospitals in the first place. My experiences while I was there didn't help matters much. Add to that all of the mess at the other hospital and the delays and setbacks we get from this one, and it equals some pretty strong emotions. Again, I am trying to push that stuff to the side for now and focus on getting the boys home. To say it has been rough is the understatement of the year.

Thank you for listening to me vent about all of this stuff. I realize that it must be hard to read. I have been negative and fearful, but you stayed by me. Your kindness and support have got me through many tough days and nights, and for that I will be forever grateful.

I can't wait to be complaining about the sweetness of sleepless nights and spit-up. I can't wait to post pictures of my beautiful babies at home, smiling at the camera. I can't wait for it. I know it will come. It will. It is just hard to remember that sometimes. Thanks again for sticking with me, hopefully until I can do all of this stuff and more.

Hmm...with the two blogs combined, this is my 200th post. At my 100th post, I was dealing with the other hospital. Now with the 200th post, I am dealing with a delay to the boys' homecoming. I sure hope the 300th post brings much brighter news!

Bladder infection. 10 day course of IV antibiotics. When asked about oral antibiotics, was told that they are unreliable in treating a neonate. If he hadn't have had the high blood pressure reading, they would never have looked for it, and he would have been home already.

I don't see why we can't have something go our way for once. Is this what my life will be like from here on out?

I just needed to keep them in for two more weeks, and life would be so different for them. For us. They would have been home a long time ago. I would be a mom. Now, I am just a visitor. I hate it.

I am not in a good place right now.

It is hard to be optimistic about things when you get railroaded at every turn.

Please don't say that it is good that they found this now and not after they came home. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear that they will be home soon. It feels like they will never be home, and I am wallowing in my own self pity right now.

It's raining here today. The gloominess is perfect, reflecting my mood and the heaviness I feel. I am sad today. Sad, sad, sad.

Seek something long enough, hard enough, and you're bound to find it. I suspect that they weren't going to stop until the found something anyway. Well, they found traces of protein in Jason's urine analysis. Bladder infection is the thought. There is some chance that this was because it wasn't a clean collection, so they took another sample by catheter. (Why not? It isn't like Jason complains much.) We'll know tomorrow if he does have the suspected infection. If yes, that means 7-10 days of IV antibiotics. In the hospital. February at the earliest.

With the way things are going lately, I suspect the results will say that he has "something" and they'll treat him "to be safe." What is another 10 days to them? So what that a little piece of me crumbles away with the tick of each second.

The doctor said if they don't find an indication of infection in this test, then he can go home tomorrow. Again, not holding my breath. Our luck just hasn't been holding up that well.

He has no symptoms. Eats well. No fever. No indications of trouble. Except that stupid high blood pressure reading that one time.

I can't go there today. I can't. But I have to.

Another baby leaves tomorrow, and it won't be mine.

And it hurts.

He had a high blood pressure reading. One. Yesterday. Right before rounds. (great timing there) Not several in a row. One. That is what all the testing is about. Kidneys ultrasound. Heart ultrasound. Urine analysis. Blood work. Because of one bad reading.

Hasn't had another high reading since then. They haven't found anything. (duh. He was probably just upset or something.) Give me a freaking break already.

1-3 days because of one bad blood pressure reading. He should check mine. I KNOW mine would make him wince.

Afraid to hope favorite doctor will release him. Don't want to get hurt again. But come on...please. Crap. It is there. I just know I am setting myself up for more disappointment.

Two words. Not today.

Nothing but "just want to make sure all is well before we send him home" for an explanation. They aren't finding anything, and it seems to me that they could have done all of this crap last week. Why would he say that he could come home and then change his mind over nothing? He gained over an ounce last night, and 10 grams the night before. Why isn't that enough?

1 - 3 days is what the doctor says now. My favorite doctor comes tomorrow. Maybe he'll have more of an explanation. Maybe he'll release him. Maybe not.

I'm fragile right now. It was especially hard to go to the hospital today. All I wanted to do was cry while I was there, and I did a few times. I don't cry in front of people. For me to cry there was big. Made me feel even worse.

I know it is only a few more days before I can take Jason home. What is another day? It just seems like each second is an eternity. It didn't feel quite this bad before. Homecoming was so close. We ALL thought he would go home yesterday. And to be told no like that broke me.

The nurses don't exactly know what to do with me, and I am continually hearing that they are sorry. That just makes me sadder. I hate it when people are nice to me when I am upset. It just makes me cry more.

I am so done.

Stages...

I have been thinking about things a lot lately. I must admit that all of the talk about whether I am depressed or not has been part of the reason. Am I depressed, or am I just reacting to a very stressful situation?

When the social worker at the hospital said that I should call my OB about post partum depression (added to the comments I was getting here), it scared me. I know that she was trying to look out for me, and ultimately give my another way to maybe get more maternity leave, but that request hurt me in a way that I didn't really understand. I don't know if it was because I had begun to feel better--stronger--than I had in weeks. It was like her comment somehow meant that I wasn't being strong enough to get through this. Then a fear that maybe the hospital would keep the babies even longer because I wasn't able to handle everything sneaked into my head. I know these thoughts aren't rational, but they were there. Briefly.

The fear that somehow the babies will be taken from me has nagged at me. I am sure it starts back at the beginning--it taking me so long to get pregnant in the first place, and then with them being so sick after they were born. I haven't ever really admitted how scared I was that they would die. Not to anyone. It can make me cry to think about those days and sometimes, I will. They were filled with pain and fear. And they have left a mark on me that I won't soon forget. I was ill, they were ill, nothing had gone the way I had envisioned it. My world fell apart in a flash the day they were born. I was torn between happiness and terror. The experience rocked the already shaky confidence I had in myself and my ability to be a good mother to the boys.

But to please the social worker (just in case) and to answer the question for myself, I did go to see my OB. I talked to him honestly about what I have been doing and feeling. I told him that I really don't think that I am depressed; I am dealing with a very stressful situation. I am not happy about it, but it is there. It is my life right now. I added that I do look back over the past 10 1/2 weeks and realize that I did have some bouts of depression, especially for the first weeks after the babies were born and during our stint at the other hospital. I might even go so far as to say that I was probably seriously depressed there for awhile. I wasn't myself, and I wasn't crazy about what I had become. I was a jumble of hormones and was under incredible amounts of stress, not a great combination. (I suppose the good thing about that experience is that it has allowed me to see that I am feeling better. I know what the dark days were like, and I know that I am not in the middle of them any more.)

Now, don't get me wrong. I still have bad days. But, I think that a person in my situation will (and probably should) have bad days. To not have these bad days would be my way of denying what is happening around me, my version of putting myself into a cocoon of non emotion. And that isn't me, either.

The doctor, whom I love, was kind and listened to me talk. He said that he would be more concerned about me at that moment if I said that I wasn't feeling all of the feelings I was going through. I had put through the wringer, so to speak, and I am reacting in a way that was to be expected. He asked me what I thought about the depression, and I told him. I truly am feeling better 98% of the time. Stressed? Yes. Overwhelmed at times? Yes. But better. More me.

I think what I am doing here is grieving--grieving the loss of enjoying pregnancy, the loss of taking home a newborn child (times two) to enjoy and learn about, the loss of all of my carefully planned expectations for how my life would be after I gave birth. I am working through the stages of grief, dealing with denial (could this be why I didn't do anything before the babies were born, not even name them?), anger (why is the happening to me? who in the universe did I piss off to have this happen?), bargaining (please let the babies be okay...I'll do whatever you want.), depression, and now acceptance. What is, is what it is. There really are no "what ifs" now. Maybe a part of me will always wonder, but that really has no benefit to it to but to bring me down. And I am not going to let it do that. My babies are here. I love them. I want the best for them, but I know we will be able to handle it if there are lasting effects from their prematurity.

Together the doctor and I concluded that while I may be slightly depressed, I am no longer so depressed that I need drastic intervention. He did give me a prescription for zo.loft, letting me decide if I wanted to ultimately take it, but I don't think that I am. I am not opposed to taking them if I really thought that I needed them. They would take up to several weeks to take affect, and by that time I do believe that I will be pretty close to my "old" self. I will keep the prescription, though, in case I do think it will help me at some point in the near future.

What will help me most, I think, is to talk about everything more often. I have a tendency to keep the not so pretty feelings I have bottled up inside. I have the blog, where I can let some of my thoughts out, but I don't normally get too deep with anyone in real life. I will try my hardest to change that.

So that is where I am right now. I know you all may not agree with the path I am taking, but I am trying to do the things that I think will be the best for me. (and for once, I am trying to not think about what others might want me to do)

Yet Another Set Back...

Is this what I get for getting my hopes up? That hope thing really makes the set backs so much worse, too. Sigh.

Both boys have inguinal hernias and will need surgery. Here is a quick definition from babycenter.com (the page is linked below):

"During gestation, a boy's testicles develop inside his abdomen, and then, sometime before birth, they push through a tunnel in the tissue between the groin and the abdomen (called the inguinal canal) and descend into the scrotal sac.

In girls, the ovaries descend through the tunnel and into the pelvis.
At that point, the passage through the abdominal wall should close up.

In about 5 percent of babies (mostly boys, and especially those who were premature), the opening remains large enough to allow a loop of the intestine to poke down into the tunnel.

Inguinal hernias do not improve on their own."

Shawn's hernia is on his right side and is more severe. His catheter from his shunt has protruded into his scrotum with his intestine, causing him a lot of discomfort and pain. His hernia is easily felt today and was the tip-off to the doctors that they needed to be checked by the pediatric surgeon.

Jason, however, has hernias on both sides of his groin. While they don't seem to be causing him much, if any, discomfort, they still need to be repaired to ensure that they don't get to that point.

(They both also have umbilical hernias from all of the IV's they had placed in their cords right after they were born, but they will not need surgery for them. The expectation is that the umbilical hernias will clear on their own by the time they reach 2-4 years old.)

Surgery is scheduled for both boys on Tuesday at somepoint in the afternoon. I am told that this type of surgery is very common, lasts about 1/2 an hour per hernia, and that this pediatric surgeon is very good.

The only thing that really worries me, outside of them being sedated, is that the boys will need to be put back on a ventilator for the surgery. We just don't have the best track records when it comes to that stupid vent. Pray that they are able to be taken off their vents quickly.

For right now, that is all I know. I'll keep you updated as we find out more information.

Mush

I think I got my first real smiles from Jason! I had just finished feeding him, and he was sitting on my lap. He was looking at me and making some fussing noises. I asked him what he was doing, and he just lit up in the biggest grin! Not really believing this was the real thing (it had to be gas or something, right?), I asked him if he just grinned at me, and he did it again--looked right at me a grinned so much his cheeks hit his eyes. He smiled three times total...and my heart is one big pile of mush. :-) Don't know when I'll recover, either!

This has to be quick because I need to get back to the hospital for the next feeding. Forgive the bullets...

• Mylicon is my love now. It has helped Shawn tremendously! He is now up to two-thirds of a bottle a feed! Yippee! Jason now takes the entire bottle (2 1/4 ounces) regularly.
• Jason weighs 7 pounds 12 ounces and Shawn weighs 7 pounds 8.5 ounces!
• I got the first indication that discharge is on the way. I got my discharge checklist! I am going crazy with excitement. I go to the hospital for every other feeding so they can check me off! I am hoping that at least one will be home by the end of the weekend!
• I have been cleaning my house like a fiend, trying to get everything finished as much as I can. Now you would have thought that I would have been doing that all along, but no, I wasn't. I felt like I was in this strange holding pattern and got very little done.
• The social worker at the hospital made me call my OB to talk to him about post partum depression. I have an appointment tomorrow to talk to him further. I would have agreed that I was depressed a few weeks back, but I am really starting to feel a LOT better now. I figure it can't hurt to get a clean bill of health.
• Did I say that I got a discharge checklist? Hee Hee!