Leaving Jack

A few posts back, someone asked how I felt about leaving Jack and going to work. The short answer is that it has been really hard. It kills me to think that I'm missing out on the things he's doing at this time when every day brings something new for him. I worry that this may be my last chance to enjoy a baby--my baby.

When the big boys were babies, I was ready to go back to work. My maternity leave ended before they were even home from the hospital, so I took the 12 week extended (non-payed) leave to be with them when they came home. When that time was up, well, I couldn't wait to get back to work.

Sad, right?

It's just that everything about that time, and I do mean everything was so hard. My stress level was through the roof. I was depressed. I was grieving. I was in shock. I had PTSD.

There were doctor appointments and surgeries and therapies. The non-stop worry, not to mention the uncertainty, made me on edge all.the.time.

Work was a relief. It was an escape. I could almost call it a holiday. Even the trauma of being at a place that was shell shocked from a shooting was FAR less stressful than being at home.

I feel a bit guilty about admitting that, but it is what it is. Sigh.

I feel really guilty about wanting to stay home with Jack (and the big boys now too--they are at such a fun age!) when I couldn't get away from the big boys fast enough.

But oh how I wish I could stay home now.

I am seriously at awe at how easy it is to have this baby who rarely cries, eats fine, sleeps great, and doesn't have a trail of doctors following around after him. At any given time, he is meeting the expected milestones for his age and is even advanced in some areas.

Shockingly, I can just relax and enjoy.

Ah, it is so nice to relax and enjoy. That alone is so foreign to me that I have to fight finding things to worry about when it comes to him. (Confession time here: I had to buy an Angelcare Monitor because I just knew he'd stop breathing. When he first came home, I could NOT sleep unless he was right next to me. I'd wake every few minutes to make sure he was alive. There wasn't anything else to worry about, and that is the worst that I could think would happen. I became freaked about it. I still have a panic attack if I see he's been asleep and the monitor isn't on for some reason. Old habits die hard. Either that or I've truly lost my grip.)

My longing to stay home has darkened the beginning weeks of school. I'm having trouble getting back into teaching because my heart is someplace else.

I imagine (hope) that as time passes, it will get easier--the groove will return--maybe the desire will subside some.

Or maybe we'll hit a jackpot and I could be one of those lucky urban myths. You know the ones. They get pregnant with just plain ole sex. Now that would be amazing.

A Few Follow Up Questions on the Previous Post

There were a few more questions that came up from yesterday's post. note: I am not a doctor, but I did do a lot of research when I was pregnant with the boys. What I am writing here is my take on what I found out...

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From what I understand, choroid plexus cysts are actually fluid filled pockets of space within the part of the brain, the choroid plexus, that makes cerebrospinal fluid for the brain. They usually appear in the second trimester (most people find them during their 18 week scans) and are often gone by the third trimester. These cysts are found on anywhere from 1-3% of all babies and do not affect the baby's brain's function or the baby's personality.

There is quite the debate over these cysts. For some time, these cysts were associated with a higher than average risk of Trisomy 18 (I think the highest I saw was an increased risk of 1:300, although that was from dated data). But, with no other abnormalities to indicate Trisomy 18, many doctors now believe that the risk of miscarriage from an amnio is higher than the risk of a genetic disease. Often, the only recourse needed is to do a thorough ultrasound to check all major organs, etc. and wait/watch. An amnio would come in to play if the detailed ultrasound showed some other abnormality.

I believe that Dr. Doom was under the old school belief that the risk was elevated for Trisomy 18. Then when he couldn't rule out the clubbed foot problem for one of the babies, and I was nearing the 35 age mark, he pushed the amnios.

Had Is.aac and I been the patients we are today (and more prone to research the hell out of EVERYTHING before we agree to a doctor's suggestion), we would have came home and likely not had the amnios done. Besides, by the time we went back for the next ultrasound, the cysts were gone, so the point would have been a non issue then anyway.

As for the guilt, I don't know why I continue to hold on to that. I guess it is my attempt to have a reason...a cause...something...anything to blame the whole clusterfuck that was that pregnancy. Yes, I know the doctor recommended the amnios. Yes, he did tell us the risks. Yes, he was the one in the know and we do have to trust the doctor's expertise to some extent. But, we ultimately made the decision to do it. I end up blaming myself because...at least there is a reason then.

Do I carry that guilt with me at a conscious level on a day to day basis? No.

Do I wish that everything went a completely different way and I had the voice to say no to that amnio that I wish I had? Yes.

Does the guilt still shows up on occasion to say hello? Yes.

I KNOW that I made the best decisions I could make at the time. I really do.

I KNOW I tried everything in my power to keep those boys in me as long as possible.

My heart still struggles there, though. Sigh.

I suppose it is a way to continue to punish myself for my heart's belief that my body failed.

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There hasn't been any conclusive reason to why my membranes ruptured. There are a couple of possibilities: 1) incompetent cervix in itself runs the risk of premature rupture, 2) the emergent cerclage also had the risk of premature rupture (infection was also a possibility, and we were all sick at the end. Don't know if the infection was there to begin with.), and 3) contractions that I didn't feel (I didn't really ever feel them even at the end before I delivered) that led to the rupture. Like I said, I had to have terb several times over that first day I was in the hospital for the rupture. Whether the rupture or the contractions came first is up in the air.

My OB was equally confused as to why Doom was saying to send me home. It makes me think all over again that he had really written that pregnancy off as unsaveable.

Sadly, I would have went home, too, had the OB not fought to keep me there. Thank goodness for him...he saved the boys with that call. I believe that with all of my heart.

This time, I will have the first course of steroids at 24 weeks as a precaution, with another series later in the pregnancy.

We're pulling out all the stops.

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I have a hard time with the memory of Doom's continued comments on whether the boys were genetically normal. I do think it directly affected how he dealt with my pregnancy the entire time. I strongly believe that he would not have "helped" us had one of the boys been genetically abnormal. Is.aac feels that way, too.

I don't get that feeling from him this time, though...his office hasn't even bothered to call me about the results from the screenings. I have to ask. It's almost like they don't even care what the results are now. (although I am sure that the results are there for them to check before we speak to anyone) It's strange. It doesn't make me trust him any more than I would have otherwise, though.

I feel he is one of those "fair weather friends" who is wonderful as long as all is going well. As soon as a complication starts to brew, I am sure he will be completely different. Sigh.

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Thank you for asking the questions. This really helps me clarify some things in my own mind, too.

The "punishing myself" part was an eye-opener...maybe just realizing that will help me combat those thoughts?

The Recap of the Boys' Pregnancy for Those Interested

or alternately titled "Why I Am So Damn Paranoid This Time Around..."

I had a question about my last pregnancy in the comments of my last post. I started to address the question there, but it turned out to be a lot longer than I expected! I figured it deserved a post all its own. (plus it gives me something to write about tonight) I hope when I write it all out, it will actually make sense.

Here is the comment from Roccie:

Hey Stacie. I want to ask you some questions that might be painful to relive. Can you help me understand what the challenges were for the twins that started at 20 wks? Was it the level II ultrasound?Are there posts you can direct me to so I can build an understanding?If I am overstepping my bounds, please let me know. I just think we are so alike,that sharing the information might feel like healing. When I can offer my experiences with severe genetic anomalies, it helps.

You are by no means overstepping any bounds here. Actually it is a good question. I am sure there a lot of people who have no idea why I am so freaked out by things this time.

Here is the drama in a nutshell:

I was referred to Dr. Doom, the perinatologist, by my RE because I was on the cusp of AMA and a twin pregnancy. My first scan with Doom was at 12 weeks. At that point, other than thinking the guy was incredibly strange it went okay. (As an aside, Doom had crazy hair. You know the kind--hair that doesn't seem controlled and sticks out all over the place. It's the kind of hair you see on the mass murderers mug shots on television. I told Is.aac that Doom's crazy hair made me worry about him. I should pay attention to those kinds of feelings! I could have saved myself from a bunch of worry.)

At my 16 week scan, Doom found that both boys each had two choroid plexus cysts on their brains, each boy had one in each hemisphere. The cysts were rather large, and let's face it, no one wants to see big black holes in what you know is your babies' brains. He led us to believe that this is a huge marker for Downs (although I have since found that it is a soft marker that is greatly disputed). One of the babies (Ja.son) also had what was believed to be at least one clubbed foot. It wasn't clear because of how he was holding his foot, though. While we went into that appointment with no desire to do any genetic testing outside of the normal screens (which came back normal at first tri), we were scared enough to have amnios done on both babies. Afterward, I started having what I considered to be Braxton Hicks contractions fairly often--nothing regular and they did not hurt, but I had them often enough to make me call Doom. He said it was BH and he'd check me at my next scan in 4 weeks.

Fast forward to 20 weeks, my cervix had shortened from over 4.0+ to 1.2 and had funneled. Sh.awn's foot was kicking at my cervix. With each kick, my cervix moved. That was bad news. Doom contacted my regular OB, scheduled my rescue cerclage for the next day, told me he hoped we'd make it to 24 weeks (but did say that I didn't have great odds at that), and generally traumatized us both. He did give me P17 shots, but said he didn't think it would make much difference to the outcome. The good news was that the cysts were gone, but I felt like all of this started because of an amnio I never really needed... I knew in my heart the boys would be fine, but I allowed myself to be frightened into doing a procedure I didn't really want. (cue guilt)

Had cerclage done by my regular OB and went home to strict bed rest--up only to pee and shower for 10 minutes or less every other day.

Every week we went back to Doom who still predicted dire results...we were just waiting until I delivered any day in his eyes. (at least it felt that way)

26 weeks exactly saw my membranes rupture. I knew what it was immediately. There was no possible way I could have had that much fluid in my bladder. No way at all. When you add in that one side of my abdomen had deflated and I was clearly lopsided when I looked down, it was pretty clear in my mind. I called Is.aac, and we headed off to L&D.

Doom had a tech meet us there to do an ultrasound. Fluid was lower around Baby A, but still on the low end of normal. Doom came in later to check me, but said that I did not rupture my membranes and I should go home.

My OB, on the other hand, actually did an internal and confirmed that he found ferning (a pattern that can be seen with a microscope when estrogen and amniotic fluid mix together and cause salt crystallization). He's the one who gave me the steroid shots and admitted me into the hospital to make sure I had the entire series. During that first night, I was given shots of terbutaline to stop contractions I never felt.

The contractions stopped so I was sent home with heavy duty antibiotics to ward off infection. I was scheduled for another Doom visit at the end of that week.

At 27 weeks, 3 days, I went back to Doom for another ultrasound. There he found that Baby A indeed had lower fluid (duh) and confirmed that I likely ruptured the last week (duh) and sent me back to the hospital to be admitted.

There I sat...well, lay in bed for another week before I delivered the boys. We all were pretty sick from some sort of infection that had set in after my membranes ruptured.

So that is pretty much the story. I don't trust Doom, as I am sure you can see why. Unfortunately, he is the ONLY peri within an hour of us.

I don't exactly trust my body either, again I'm sure you can see why.

As for the dates of the posts that refers to all of this stuff, the posts are between August 2007 to October 2007.

**Updated - I made Is.aac read this to make sure I got the details right. He said I pretty much did, but I didn't convey the fear that we lived in constantly during that time. He's right. I didn't. Doom was so, so negative every single time we saw him. It was a really hard time. Blah.

He also reminded me that I left out that Doom asked the tech every single appointment if the boys were genetically normal. We always had the impression that the only reason Doom gave a damn (if you can call it that) was because both of them were genetically normal. Had one or both not been...well, I don't think we would have gotten much help from him at all. Makes me sad to think about that.

Inquiring Minds Part 3

Here's the last installment of "Inquiring Minds." Hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoying answering. You can find Part 1 and Part 2 here and here.

OK. I need to know: 1) Have you been to Legoland? 2) What's your favourite thing about Cali.fornia? 3) Can you still remember any cheers? Eden

Ok, E. Here it goes...

1) I have never been to Legoland. I have driven by it countless times, but have never actually stopped. It didn't open in California until I was well into my twenties, so there wasn't much interest there. The boys are not quite old enough to make the visit worthwhile yet, either. I have, however, gone to Magic Mountain a lot, especially when I was a kid, Disneyland which is a bit further away so I average once every few years, Knott's Berry Farm a few times, Sea World every few years, and Universal Studios every few years.

As you can see, southern California is an awesome vacation spot for a family such as yours. I'm just saying...

2) My favorite thing about California has got to be the weather. I love that the temperature is relatively consistent, and it is sunny ninety-five percent of the year. I also love that California has such a laid back feel. Jeans and t-shirts are the norm! It suits me perfectly! :-)

3) Oh hell yes..
*Disclaimer: It was late, I am wearing NO makeup, and I had to be quiet so I didn't wake the boys up. Oh, and I didn't stretch. Ahem.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

There should be a video here. If you don't see it, refresh your screen and it should show!)


Mwah! Don't laugh too hard! :-)

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Carrie asks: 1) How did you come up with names for the boys? 2) What chore do you put off because you hate it so much? 3) Favorite dessert you could eat every night?

1) Naming the boys was really difficult for us. If you can believe it, even with all of the problems I'd been having with the pregnancy, we did not have names for the boys before they were born. I don't even remember really even talking about names before the boys were born. (Can you say denial much?) It actually took us until they were three days old before we finally named them. If I am honest, I don't know how long we would have gone before naming them (I had gotten used to calling them baby A and baby B even!!) had the woman from the Social Security office not come in to say that if we didn't have names for the boys by the morning, she was going to send the forms off blank. She made it seem that we'd have loads of extra work to do to correct the paperwork later, so we we decided it was time. I also have to admit that it took me a bit before I stopped calling them A and B and started calling them their actual names! (I blame the drugs.)

So how did we get to Sh.awn and Ja.son?

I had two baby name books. I took one and Is.aac took the other. We sat next to each other and each poured through every single boy name listed in our book individually, writing down names that we thought were nice and had meanings that we liked.

Once the names were on paper, we shared our lists. We went through the names and left only the ones that both of us liked. (That shortened the list considerably!)



We settled on Sh.awn and Ja.son relatively quickly, I think mostly because we both liked the meanings. We struggled some with the middle names, though.

This last picture is the final sheet. How strange it is to see that we almost had a different middle name for Ja.son! I really didn't even remember that.

As to which baby got which name, that was pretty easy. We decided that baby B was going to be Ja.son because he was the sickest at the time. We needed him to heal himself and fight the fight so he could come home with us someday. Baby A, Sh.awn, was being his usual rock star self even back then and was just kicking preemie butt at that point. He truly was a gift.

It cracks me up that I had to write A and B next to their names. Like I'd forget or something! I am glad I did, though, because it is fun to look back and see how I was thinking back then. Plus, I was pretty sick myself, so I very well may have forgotten! (We found out they had to take two antibiotics that day, too, as you can see by the two bottom words on this sheet.)

Sh.awn (a gift from God) Ri.ley (valiant) and

Ja.son (healer) Ke.lly (warrior)

2) I talked about this in Part 1, but the chore I absolutely hate with a passion is toilet cleaning. Hate, hate, hate it. The mere thought of toilet cleaning makes me gag. I can do it when I have to, but man oh man do I hate it.

3) A favorite desert I could eat every single night is chocolate. It doesn't even matter what form the chocolate takes, it is all good. It is so yummy, that I hate having any chocolate in the house. I have a problem with it! I swear it calls to me in the middle of the night and MAKES me come and eat it. Right then.

I am not kidding.

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The last question is from the lovely Julie (she's PWP or I'd link): Who would you want to play YOU, Is.aac and your boys in the movie of you life?

This is a hard question! I've thought about this for a while, but haven't got many ideas. I suppose I could say Cameron Diaz could play me. She's tall and sort of goofy like I am. She isn't horrible to look at, but isn't exactly what you'd call pretty. She also has no boobs.

For Is.aac, I think I'd go for someone who acts more like him rather than look like him because there are not many Hispanic actors out there. I think I'd pick...um...Matt Damon. He's cute, but he also has that intelligent sense of humor that takes you off guard. Is that a strange choice?

For the boys, I am going to leave their choices open. I have to say that there isn't an actor out there who could do them justice. :-)

Okay everyone! That's it. I'll be back with my regularly scheduled programming soon...

Inquiring Minds Part 2

For our next installment of "You asked and I answered," I am going to focus on the whole IVF/having another baby questions. I am trying to be as honest as I can when I answer these questions. That may mean you get some TMI moments, so consider yourself warned. :-)

Part 1 is here:

Mrs. Spock asks: Do you ever worry about having 3-yr olds and a newborn? I ask this mostly for myself, because I worry about this all of the time- though that does not diminish my cravings!

I waffle back and forth on the answer to this question. A lot of the time I am certain that this is the right thing to do for our family. We both would love another child, and I feel comfortable that we are damn good parents (mostly). The boys seem happy. They are funny and bright. I figure if we sucked too badly at the whole parenthood thing, I wouldn't see that.

And then the fear sets in...because let's face it, I have a lot to fear now that I've seen the ugly side of life. My biggest fear is that I'll be tempting fate. Some of me wonders if all of the troubles we've encountered was the universe's way of saying I shouldn't have children. I am afraid that I may deliver another child prematurely. I fear what that might mean to this new little being in our lives. I fear that if it happens again, the outcome might be devastating to the happiness of the family we have now. I fear that if I have another preemie, I won't be able to forgive myself. I fear being pregnant and bed rest and cerclages and high risk doctors and infant death. I fear it all.

But.

But, I won't let fear be the dictator in my life.

I can't.

If I let fear control me, I might as well plant my ass on the couch and give up living. I can't give up on myself and our family. I won't give up on myself and our family. So, while I'll pay attention to the feelings behind my fear, I try to just keep my head up and move on to my dream.

We shall see if we ultimately get there.

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Jess wanted to know: When are you planning on doing IVF again, again? I think you said but I can't remember!! And when you do, how many embryos are you transferring this time? (You really don't have to answer this one if you don't want to share right now, btw!)

The plan was to get back onto the IVF train as soon as possible. The RE said that I could start cycling once I got my first post operative period, which was on May 1. Unfortunately, the timing of things have been crappy due to work. I couldn't figure out a way to take off of work for monitoring in May because that coincided with state testing at my school. Theoretically, I should start my next period on June 1ish, which would mean retrieval, etc, would coincide with the last few days of school. So, I had planned on doing my next IVF at the start of July.

But my insurance changes July 1.

Now insurance doesn't cover IVF at all. It does however cover ultrasounds, etc. if I should get pregnant. (Fingers crossed there.) Not sure how that will all work out.

As for how many we'll transfer, I am now AMA, so the standard is three. I'll probably go with three unless I have two outstanding front runners out of the embryos we create. It took six embryos from younger eggs to get the boys, so I don't expect that I'd get pregnant with triplets at this point.

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Anonymous asks (come out and say who you are anon!): You've said that you don't have insurance to cover your IVFs. HOW have you managed to pay for all of your cycles? (I totally understand if you don't want to answer.)

I can say that at this moment, we have paid off all of our IVF debt. Yeah us! That says a lot because we've had 3 iuis, 4 fresh cycles and 2.5 frozen cycles all without insurance.

In the beginning, we took out a second mortgage on our home to make improvements to our kitchen. I used some of that money to pay for our IUIs and 2 of the IVFs.

We didn't want to use our savings for the last two IVFs and the two frozen cycles. That meant we ended up saving less during this year than we had in the past. I also had to get creative.

The first thing I did was I found some 0% interest for a year credit cards. (I made sure to get cards that gave us "points" for using them.) The medication was all put on one card. The doctor fees were put on another. After the cycle was finished, I just did the math to make sure that I paid enough each month to settle the bill before the interest rate increased.

We also used our income tax refund money to pay off the last of the bills. (It seems when you pay outrageous amounts of money on medical stuff, you get a hefty refund back. Go figure.)

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Okay, that is it for today. The boys are starting to stir from their naps. Stay tuned for one last part to Inquiring Minds!

Inquiring Minds Part 1

You asked, and I answered...

(and thank you for asking!)

Lets see.....I know a lot about you already. Do I want to know something serious or funny? How about...If you HAD to, to pay for IVF :), would you be a stripper, clean toilets in a homeless shelter, clean meth houses out or become a Hollywood double for nude scenes only? K J and the Kids

Hm, this is actually an interesting question. Leave it to you to make me think about something I wouldn't normally think about! Okay, let's break it down one by one.

1) I am not opposed to stripping, per say, but I have to say that I don't think I'd make a whole lot of money in this field which would be a problem if I was working purely for tips. I think I would make myself a masked character, so that would take care of the little problem of my students' fathers recognizing me at the other job. My vote - a possibility, but only after some sort of breast enhancement surgery to increase my stripping tips.

2) Now cleaning toilets is the most disgusting jobs on the face of the earth. Frankly, I don't even clean the toilet that Is.aac uses on a regular basis - I make him do it! Considering that he takes at least one shower a day and I know for the most part where his ass has been and I still won't even clean HIS toilet, cleaning the toilets used by many people I don't even know would be out of the question. My vote - no way.

3) Cleaning meth houses is also something I'm not sure I could stomach. Literally. From what I understand, contaminants remaining in meth labs may pose health threats to whomever is exposed to them. It would be my luck (and we all know how "lucky" I am) that said contaminants would find their way to my rapidly diminishing egg supply and mutate/destroy the few good eggs I've got left. In the end, I'd have the money for IVF but mutated eggs, which we all know is a combo that does not for a good IVF make. My vote - no way.

4) Now this last option seems doable. I think I could become a Hollywood double for nude scenes only. Really. Hear me out on this one. If I was the double for a Hollywood star, all you would see in the movie would be my body, no face. That would prevent unwanted attention from my work because no one would have to know I had a second job. Also, my body would be matched to the starring actress! Pay me for being naked, but blame all my problem areas on her. As I see it, this could be a win - win situation. My vote - the winner!

These next four questions are from The Captain's Wife:

What order do you shower? I love taking super hot showers. A lot of the time I do some of my best thinking in the shower. No one is demanding my attention. It is nice to be able to focus on myself for those ten to fifteen precious minutes! When I am in there, I always wash in this order: shampoo and rinse my hair, condition hair, wash face, rinse hair, put clippy in hair to get it out of the way while I wash the rest of my body (which is funny because I don't have that much hair!), wash arms, chest, and back, shave armpits, wash legs, butt and lady parts, and finally I wash my feet. If I am going to shave my legs (a big IF nowadays), I then add a little more soap to my legs and shave them last. Hm. That was far too detailed, wasn't it? I have no shame.

When folding laundry, and items are inside out do you correct them or fold them while inside out? For my own clothes, I don't care if most things are inside out or not when I fold them. I do make sure my socks are right side out, though. For the boys' clothes, I always make sure they are right side out when I fold them, and I have a certain way they HAVE to be folded. The long sleeve shirts are folded with the sleeves folded in and the shirt folded one time in half. The short sleeve shirts are folded like you find in a department store. I have no idea why I do it that way, but I do. I get royally ticked at Is.aac if he doesn't fold them that way, too!

Do you have any OCD tendencies? Um, yes. See the question above as an example. :-) Well, actually, I like to say I am particular about certain things.

What is your all time favorite movie, one that you can watch over and over and begin it and end it at any point. I have a few movies that I will watch over and over again. I am sort of embarrassed to admit what they are, though. I watch "Fifty First Dates," "Never Been Kissed," "Love Actually," and "Legally Blonde" every time they are on television.

What would your dream vacation be? (Money is no object! Work is not a problem!) Cathy

This was actually a hard question for me to answer. I don't think I ever really let myself think like this. It is almost like I've told myself that it won't happen, so why spend time thinking about something that I'll never get.

When I was younger, I used to always say that I wanted to go to Europe and see all of the beautiful sights. I wanted to do the touristy things and go to the touristy places and just enjoy. I thought it would be so cool to say that I had the chance to do what everyone else did.

Now that I am older, my perspective has changed. I no longer crave to be just like everyone else and do what everyone else has done. I'd love to take a month and tour some of the less visited places throughout Europe. While I would still like to see the big cities like Paris and the like, I would stay away from most of the main tourist spots.

I'd also like to go to Hawaii, Australia, and Ireland.

Okay, that is all for now. I'll be back with Part 2 tomorrow! This is fun!