Life Goes On...

Ah yes. When life goes on, in my life it does so with a vengeance. We're lucky that way.

This past weekend didn't exactly go as planned. We did not get to go to the zoo as a way of remembering/celebrating my father. Instead, my mom, Ja.son, Is.aac, and I came down with whatever started earlier in the week with Sh.awn. Poor Ja.son got to experience round two of the germ fest.

Fortunately, everyone is feeling better now. Well, everyone except Ja.son, who has continued to decline. I'm pretty sure now he has managed to wind up with bronchitis or something. He's taken to wheezing off and on today. Sigh.

So, we're off to the pedi tomorrow for some sort of diagnosis.

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My suicidal student is back at school again. When she left after the incident, her parents had said they'd keep her home for the rest of the year and home school her. Imagine our surprise when she showed up on our doorstep ready to come back to school last week. They were sent away and told we would not accept her until she had a doctor's note stating it was okay to come back to school.

Her teachers think that this unscheduled return may be because mom works and there is no one at home to watch her during the day. Anyway, the suicide attempt has been chalked up to a side effect from the antidepressant she was given after she went to the hospital for cutting. Apparently suicidal tendencies is a pretty common side effect for teenagers on that drug. (would have been nice to know that) The good news, according to her mother, is that the doctors have now changed the girl's meds to something that is much better--the same med (and dosage) her mother takes.

Yesterday, back she came with the note.

Her return does, of course, bring up some interesting liability issues that we, her teachers, are trying to iron out with the administration. What would happen, for instance, if she asked to go to the restroom and decided to harm herself? No clear answers are available yet. The suggestion of having her go to the bathroom with a buddy was nixed by us immediately. (what kind of solution is that anyway?) There are other scenarios we are waiting to have addressed as well.

The positives are that the kids have welcomed her back with open arms. It doesn't seem that there are any major residuals from the incident by the students at all. That alone makes all the technical stuff we are dealing with behind the scenes a lot more manageable in my opinion.

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I am slightly freaking out about Friday's RE appointment. Not sure why. Ha. What a lie. I know why, but come on. It isn't like I am new to all of this crap.

I am a lot scared of my fsh numbers and what he'll say about my wonky tubes, etc.

We shall see how it goes.

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3 MORE DAYS UNTIL SPRING BREAK!!! I get two whole weeks off. I can't wait!

I don't like it when I feel needy. Ugh. It makes me so uncomfortable. In my warped little mind, I like to pretend that I can handle the big, bad world all on my own. But, I am learning that it is nice to sit back and let others carry me for a while. I don't have to do everything on my own.

So, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Thank you for carrying me through the last couple of days. Your nice words really did make things a little bit better than they would have been otherwise.

I let myself really feel the emotions that came up this weekend, for frankly the first time since my dad died. Allowing myself that one little concession, which really wasn't that little, made a huge difference. I am exhausted, but oddly, I feel better.

That's all I could ask for right now.

Thanks for the support everyone.

I made it through yet another tough day. Last night was the worst for me, as we are pretty confident the accident was at 10:19 pm on the 27th. (He had a diagnostic chip in the car that stopped recording at that time.) Because his car wound up so far away from the actual freeway, and he had lost his battery sometime during the accident, the rescue vehicles couldn't find him until daybreak the next morning, which is why his death certificate says the 28th. (They say his death was instant. I am going with that thought--the alternative makes me want to throw up.)

So, there it is.

Somehow a year has passed.

A year of holidays and milestones. A year of many happy moments among the sad. A year that shook me to my core in more ways than I could have ever imagined. A year I wish I could have shared with my dad.

It seems like forever ago I last saw him. I miss him.

I love you, Dad.

Could we just fast forward through the next few days? Please?

Please?

It was fairly quiet at work today, except for the fire at the park after school (tracked to a smoking high school student). Maybe I should modify that previous statement to it was quiet at school today during school hours. Hey, I'll take what I can get!

I am now officially off until Monday. Whew. I am glad about that. I do hate having to make lesson plans for guest teachers, but I was lucky enough to get a rather experienced sub for the days I'll be out. It is a good thing, too, because she'll get to have the fun of a lock down practice drill (with police checking our rooms and securing the campus and everything) and a rally. Darn it that I'll miss all the fun. (yes, that was sarcasm)

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I think my cat is going through an identity crisis. Mainly, I think she thinks she is a dog. Seriously.

As you can imagine, mealtime with the dynamic duo has become quite the food throwing match--you know, in the vein of if I don't want it, I'll throw it at my brother kind of way. With teething and not feeling good, there has apparently been plenty of opportunities to not like things lately, leaving Is.aac and I dodging food at every meal.

Anyway, the cat has decided that the best place to be during said mealtimes is under the boys' chairs, which is decidedly dog like. This is not to eat any of the proteins that are flung across the room. Oh no. I would understand that. Instead she chooses to eat the peas, green beans, carrots, rice, and, if you can believe this, avocados. She thinks its a veggie smorgasbord! She eats to her heart's content, usually cleaning up most of the food, but she'll leave all/any meats on the floor.

That is just not normal cat behavior if you ask me. Cats are not supposed to be vegetarians. Cats like meat.

Now it's not that I mind her cleaning the floors and all, but this is just weird.

Add to that the fact that she also growls at people who come up to knock on our door. I'm talking a low, long lasting growl accompanied by charging at the door!

And she snores. Dude. WTF?

I tell you she is one confused animal.

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I am on blog #65 from the ICLW list! Whoot! I am so going to be an Iron Commenter this month!

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If you have a minute, would you please stop by and give Cathy a hug. She's had a really rough time lately, and she could use some bloggy love. :-)

Let's Do the Math

broken fever + runny nose = huge exhale (you probably heard it, right?)

loads of snot + germy toys = sickness for Ja.son, too (why not? it gets boring when things happen to only one)

sick children + constant desire to be held = insane mother (that would be me)

one mother + two sick children = wrestling matches over who gets to be king of the mountain (I am the mountain)

congestion + feeling crappy = no sleep for anyone :-(

all of the above = fun times

But I am so thankful for it all. Well, I am not thankful for the lack of sleep. That I could do without, but you get the idea. :-)

My appointment is April 3 at 12:30 pm. I'm not out of school for spring break yet, so I'll have to take a half day off. I asked if there was another time for the week after (when I'll be out of school), but the next available time would be in May. So, April 3 it is. I am quite proud of myself for calling, thank you very much. The timing couldn't be better. I should start my period on the 4th-5th. Maybe we'll get geared up to start another round of whatever we're going to do.

Shawn has had a 101.6 degree fever since around 10:30 last night. His temp has gone down to somewhere around 99 degrees with the aide of Tylen.ol, so he has had regular doses since then. It is clear that he doesn't feel good. Poor baby. The only thing that held me back from the edge of freaking out was the fact that his nose started running. Shunt infections don't include runny noses. Thank God.

Note to self: I vow to not treat him any differently because I am worried about his head. I can't put that pressure of him or me. I'm trying, but the timing of this little sickness is not helping in the least.

Another This and That Post

I've been quiet again, and I am sorry about that. It seems now that we have reached the starting anniversary of "the very dark days," I am not sure what to write about and everything is so jumbled in my head that I'm not even sure I'd be able to write a coherent thought anyway. I am afraid of thinking about anything too long because everything from that time is woven together in a box locked somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain--the hospital stays, my dad's death, and even the shooting, which happened four weeks earlier than the dark days but managed to get wrapped up along with everything else. If I think too long, the box might open and all hell would break loose in my world. Who has time for that?

Not I, said the chicken.

Did I mention that Easter falls on my dad's birthday this year? I am dreading it like nothing else. Fun times.

Bleh. On to other topics...

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Glad you like the new look!

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Ja.son had a helmet check on Thursday. For those of you counting, this month made SIX FREAKING MONTHS IN THE FREAKING HELMET. When the helmet guy (I have no idea what his official title is which is totally rude) asked how Ja.son was tolerating it, I looked him dead in the eyes and told him that we were all at our end. He promptly replied that it looked like this was the last month of the helmet. Funny how that worked out...ha ha ha. So, on April 17th, the day before my 37th birthday, we are going to be throwing a virtual party to celebrate the end of the helmet. I need a catchy name for this party, though. Any ideas?

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Holy shit. 37 years old. Yikes.

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I am convinced that the remote control has magical powers. So far, it has been a life savor in motivating Sh.awn to crawl. He will crawl for incredible distances to get a hold of the stupid remote. Ja.son has also succumbed to the power of the remote and is finally crawling on all fours! Of course, I have to stand in front of him with the remote held out in order for him to do it, but he does it. In the textbook technique, too. (It's just as I suspected all along--he could do it but just didn't see the need. Lazy, lazy, lazy.)

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I am taking two days off of work next week (just in case the neatly packed box opens at an inopportune time), so my mom and I decided to take the boys to the zoo on Friday afternoon. I am hoping we can make it into as enjoyable of a time as possible. Maybe this will become a little tradition? Sort of our way of celebrating my dad? I don't know.

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For some reason, I still haven't been able to get myself to call the RE. I hear what must be my biological clock screaming in my ears that time is running out, especially due to that old higher than you want FSH issue, but I still haven't called. Maybe Thursday? Friday? I really have no idea what I am holding out for, either. The hope I might get pregnant on my own? Reality check. I have had 16 periods since the boys were born. We have never used birth control. Plus, we have been actively timing sex each and every month since June. All we have is a whole lot of money spent on tampons to show for it. Sigh. I just need to put on my big girl panties and call them on Monday. It's obvious that this isn't going to happen without medical intervention.

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Did you notice the "Celebrations" title on my sidebar? I am going to start publishing things that I want to celebrate in my life and in yours! I'm already working on what to post there first. I welcome suggestions from your lives, too, so keep watch for things to celebrate!

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Lastly, I just wanted to give a shout out to all of you here via ICLW! I love this time of the month!

Ch...Ch...Changes!

It's done, it's done! So what do you all think?

Thanks to Jenny from Pink Armchair Designs. I really do like my new look, and she was so pleasant to work with on this!

(contented sigh) It was definitely time for a change. :-)

Show and Tell -- Me Being an Activist!

This past Friday I picketed at our county's government center along with teachers from throughout our county. My guess is that there were close to a thousand people there, lined up on both sides of the street, for well over five blocks.

We were there taking a stand against the budget cuts to education in California, which in turn has led districts across the state to issue over 26,000 lay off notices, or pink slips, to teachers before the March 15th State Educational Code deadline. This issue hits home for me because my district will be laying off just under 10% of its certificated work force, including teachers, counselors, and nurses. While my job may be safe, there are far too many excellent teachers who will be released at the end of this year due to lack of funding.

And it makes me just sick to think about. Losing these teachers will not help students. Class sizes will increase. There is talk of a minimum of 36 students per class at my school, up at least 8 students per class from the standard size we have now. Counselors will not be available to help our students deal with the very heavy life issues that seem to be multiplying year to year. Oh, and let's hope no one gets injured or is sick because there will be no nurses around to offer first aide or medical attention.

So, I picketed as a way to stand with my fellow colleagues and let others know that this is not the answer to the budget woes...sort of my own version of Norma Rae.

Here I am with one of the signs I carried. It took me a little bit to figure out that the horns honking at me were a good thing.

A sticker on some one's shirt.

2 signs carried by some students from a high school in our county.

These four were my attempt to record the crowds of people and the traffic.

Me on my way toward the demonstration.

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I couldn't get over how loud it was there. I took a video just to record the noise. (I have no idea who is yelling in the background.)

Click here to see what everyone else is sharing!

My computer was released from prison, but not before I was told they would need an extra hundred dollars to replace my hard drive. Sigh. Now, I am spending my time trying to add everything I had installed on my other hard drive to the new one. Let me just say that this is a pain in the freaking rear end.

The bad part is that I lost all of my bookmarks! I think I transferred all of the public blogs over the other night, but I didn't transfer the private blogs. If you've gone private, would you please send me an email with the link to your blog? Meme, Julie, Cathy, Jess, Crystal, and everyone else?

Pictures to come. I think I'm going to do a Show & Tell about it. :-)

I Was Pink

I picketed at our county's government center in my pink t-shirt today. For two hours I yelled, chanted, and became hoarse while surrounded by hundreds of others doing the exact same thing.

We. Totally. Rocked.

Pictures to come when my slutty puter is released from jail on Sunday.

**I am sure that this will seem horrible, but I had a really good time today.

My dad used to be the computer whiz around here. I used to take that for granted. If I had a problem with a computer, I took it to him and he would fix it without a second thought.

He didn't comment on my computer or my lack of knowledge, not even the time I swore the speaker on my laptop was broken because the sound kept coming in and out (apparently because I kept moving the volume dial on the side of the laptop without noticing-duh). He just fixed it and did what he could to make me happy, with a minimal amount of laughter, too.

So I suppose it isn't unexpected that my computer issues have brought up a steady stream of emotions and memories revolving around my dad. It doesn't help that the anniversary of his death is sixteen days away, either. I am missing him fiercely, more so than usual. Shoot, if I wasn't stopping myself this very moment, I would probably being crying.

Sigh.

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The geeks are fixing my computer. The head geek asked me if I had anything that I wanted to backup on my puter (because I have of course not done that) and I told him yeah, my pictures. He wanted to know if I had a lot of pictures, to which I replied yep.

Dude. I wasn't kidding. He said he thinks I have a record. 30GB of pictures isn't too awful for 16 months, is it? I do realize that if I continue at this rate, I might not have enough space in the 250 GB external drive I had to buy. But still, there are things that must be documented! Hmph.

After paying $390.00 (which included an external drive that I probably didn't have to buy, but thought I would just get it over with), I should see my computer again on Sunday. Good lord, what am I going to do without my computer until then! Jeez.

A very terrible thing has happened. My computer is sick. Well, sick might sort of be an understatement. Sick is what you would call a computer with one or two viruses. Maybe a handful. At our house, though, we don't do the usual. Oh, no. We go all out over here.

So what does all out mean?

It means 7 and 8. Together. Yes, my computer somehow managed to get (in a very short period of time I might add) 78 viruses.

Who the hell has a computer with 78 viruses? How does something like this happen?*

I have to admit that I feel somewhat dirty from all of my 'puter's little buggies. I am a nice, upstanding citizen in my Internet communities. I don't wander around needlessly or hang out in sleazy undesirable sites. I don't accept emails from skanky unknowns. I just sit here scratching my head (while wiping away a few tears) as to how this could happen.

I have concluded that my computer goes a little 'computer gone wild' as soon as I walk away (as it couldn't possibly be my fault alone), and if her medical condition is any indication, she is quite the slut, too. Bad computer! Thank G-d it won't end up pregnant like everyone else around me. That would truly send me over the edge.

Anyway, I may have trouble getting to your blogs until my sweet little puter is feeling better. I can access those of you on my favorites list when I get the chance, but I am not sure about any of the password protected blogs I visit. I will definitely catch up when I get my computer back and no longer have to use my husband's ancient, super slow model.

I think I am starting to experience withdrawals already. Sigh.


*Answer: Let your antivirus program expire a week ago, throw caution to the wind, and continue to use said computer. Viruses shmiruses. Ahem.

My Name

When I first heard it, I briefly thought that it sounded like my name.

The second time I heard it, I just tried to figure out what it was supposed to be.

The third time I heard it, he looked directly at me when he said it.

Then he said it again when I didn't move fast enough for his taste. He can be a demanding little shit when he wants to be. Yes that is said with love.

I know why my child has stopped calling me momma. He's decided to call me Stacie instead.

Great. Thanks, Ja.son. I didn't wait all these years to be someone's mommy for them to call me by my first name.

Now start calling me momma, please. (kudos on learning another word, though.)

A Whole Lot of Nothing Post

It's been a quiet day around here spent reflecting on how helpless I felt yesterday. I saw the missing track up ahead, but I just could quite stop the train from wrecking. In reality, we were doing everything we could for her on our end, but it still feels like we should have been able to something to keep her from spiraling downward at such a fast pace. Powerlessness is not an emotion I am good at dealing with nowadays. I need to do something in times like these. But sadly, there really isn't anything to do.

So, I did what I could to take my mind off of things. I packed the boys up and headed off to Tar.get. We got some blocks to throw around the house practice putting in a cup and a few new books among other things. I still can't figure out how I manage to spend so much money in that place. I swear I can't get out of there without dropping a hundred dollars or more. WTF?

I've also spent the evening working on something else I can control. I've been updating my blog list (or followers list, or whatever it is called). I think I've managed to get everyone in except the password protected blogs. So, if you don't see me following you on your dashboard, please let me know. My brain isn't as good as it used to be, so I might have missed someone's blog inadvertently.

Overload

Remember this girl? The one who was cutting herself, but her mother sent her to school anyway? Well her parents removed her from the hospital she was in because they didn't think she needed to be there. And sent her to school.

Today she climbed a fence and made her way up to the roof of one of the school buildings. There she sat while she threatened to jump thirty feet or so to the ground. She's 12 years old and wanted to kill herself.

The school called the police who sent a dozen officers to try an coax her down. She was having none of it.

Meanwhile the teachers were trying to round up the 1100 students, get them into classrooms, and out of the way so we could lock down the campus. With all of the chaos, it took forever to finally get everyone inside a class.

Once in my classroom, four of my students sobbed uncontrollably because of all that was happening. The others sat in stunned silence. A few called home to talk to their parents. Most were friends with the girl. All of them knew her from one class or another.

For thirty minutes the rest of the school remained in lock down while they tried to get her down from the roof safely. At a little after 1:30, I finally watched them walk past my room--my silently crying student surrounded by the principal and four police officers.

I did what I could to teach the students in my classroom. I'm not even sure what I said or did now. I think I went to autopilot. Really, all I could do was comfort the students I had and try to go on with our day while reassuring them that their friend would ultimately be okay.

To get myself through, my fears and feelings were shoved into a tiny box and tucked away somewhere in my brain.

It was horrible.

After school, a few of us close to the girl and part of the bigger story behind what is going on talked a little bit. We laughed even. Not out of humor, but it was either laugh or cry.

Because there is so much to cry about now that my tiny little box has opened.

For no other reason than because I am very proud.

13 months adjusted, and there are many more than this for my guy Ja.son.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

While out at duty today (to supervise afternoon dismissal), another colleague and I noticed an unusual swell of kids going in the same direction. We weren't all that concerned because it didn't look like the kind of crowd a fight or some such nonsense would attract. It seemed harmless, and technically they were already off of school grounds. We walked a little closer to where they were going, but stopped just short of the campus boundary.

Shortly after, the principal zoomed by us walking at a pace that clearly meant business. Uh oh. That is never a good sign. We asked him if he needed backup, but he told us he didn't need it.

A police car began a patrol around the perimeter of the school and seemed to focus on the park adjacent to the school grounds.

My coworker and I couldn't figure out what was going on until we heard on the walkie talkie...

"All admin to the park, please. The ____ police just called to report a flasher in the vicinity."

Then it all made sense. Sadly, our kids weren't moving away from the park, either. Oh, no. Our kids want to see the freak so they head right to it. I'm sure tomorrow morning is going to be interesting when I get the play by play account of what they think was happening.

I swear I can't make this junk up. No one would believe me.

(and no they never caught anyone)

Even Stevens

Testing today...well...went. It wasn't the best of possible scenarios when we actually got to see the writing prompt, and it is NEVER a good thing when a third of your class finishes a timed essay in less than thirty minutes. The other two-thirds gave it their all, so hopefully I won't look like a total loser of a teacher. We shall see in August when we get the results back. (it's so stupid that it takes so long to get the freaking results)

Stacie - 0, State testing - 1

The rest of the day was okay until I was almost attacked on the way home from school.

I had just got the boys from my mom's and we were finally heading home. About two blocks from her house, I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye.

The adrenaline started pumping instantly. The biggest, fattest, hairiest spider I think I have ever seen dropped from my visor onto my dashboard. (I just looked for a picture of it to show, but I wigged myself out looking at all the spiders. You'll just have to take my word on the fact that it was big, fat, and hairy.) When it hit the dashboard, I kid you not, the sucker turned its hideous body around a bit until it faced me. Then it proceeded to stare. me. down.

I could almost hear its thoughts. I think they were something like, "What are you going to do, bitch?" I just about shit my pants.

Now, I REALLY don't like spiders, and I REALLY don't like spiders anywhere near me, especially when I can't escape. After briefly contemplating jumping in the back seat with the boys and taking our chances in traffic (for all I knew, the spider could have driven the car itself--it was certainly big enough), I searched in vain for something with which to kill it. I finally found a business card for Ja.son's helmet place. While not ideal, at least it was something.

My killing strategy is somewhat more of a spastic jab-flick motion in cases such as this. The problem with this strategy, though, is that often the body of said spider tends to disappear. In a house, that isn't so much of a problem. In a car, that is big time bad news.

Because you know, if there is no carcass, there was no kill.

And damn if I could find the carcass.

Which left me driving down the road no longer staring down a ten foot spider. Even worse, I was driving down the road no longer staring down a ten foot spider. Where the hell did it go?

My imagination again went into overdrive and I started to feel it crawling up my leg. "It must have fallen into my shoe," I thought. I patted down my foot and leg and brought it up to the seat just in case. Once that foot was safe, my other foot started tingling with those creepy crawly feelings. I furiously patted down my other leg to hopefully kill anything that might be trying to hide.

Thankfully, I finally turned down my street. I gunned it to my house and was out of the car before I could even turn it off. After a quick heebie jeebie dance in my driveway, I was able to grab the boys and take them inside.

Ug. I couldn't go back to my car to check for the spider guts. I kept envisioning it hiding on the moon roof waiting for me to come back so it could attack or maybe that it was lying in wait by the door so it could wrap its mutant spider web around my neck to strangle the life from me. (I tell you it was a big spider.) So, I sent Is.aac to do it instead. (What? I figured he could take it.) He returned a minute later proudly caring the balled up offender. Ha. I got it. Yes!

That's what it gets for messing with me.

Stacie - 1, Spider - 0

Can't beat a day when you make out even stevens. :-)

Pushing Through

I feel myself pulling in as some sort of attempt to guard myself from the world. I really have no idea why, either, especially why I am feeling it here at the place that has always offered me so much support. Things haven't been any more stressful than a normal day/week/month for me, but the desire to be quiet is strong and very hard to deny.

So what do I do? The same thing I always do...push myself through it. If I didn't, it would be too easy to just not do anything.

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On 3/13, I am going to get all political again and hit the picket line to protest the state budget cuts to education. Whoot! While things are slightly better than expected for my district (oooh, we get to keep a nurse that was on the chopping block), it is still pretty ugly. I am strangely looking forward to my act of civil disobedience. I think I'll have to take pictures to post here. :-)

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Ja.son's thirteenth tooth, a molar, finally broke through today. Good lord, that boy has been a bear to be around the last few weeks. It looks as if Sh.awn is being true to form and starting his teething round just as Ja.son seems to be finishing. Sometimes I wish they would just synchronize a little better and let us get it all over with at the same time. I've even tried talking to them about this kind of thing, but I think they are tuning me out.

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We have state testing tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. Blah.

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Why is it that my husband always wants to watch "The H.ills?" He's like a hundred years old. What can he possibly have in common with Whitney and her little group of friends. Of course, this is much better that the "Ha.nna Mo.ntana" phase we went through last year. His excuse was that it was "mind numbing." I don't know, but I am pretty sure that there are plenty of other shows out there that would be just as mind numbing.

I suppose I shouldn't complain. It isn't any worse (and may be better) than all of the poker he forces me to watch. Now talk about mind numbing...

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And thanks for making me feel a little better about not jumping for joy over my niece's baby. I am happy for her, but I just don't think I am up to having to coo about a brand new baby. While I can't get out of it for long, I think I will take the suggestion to feign a cold so I don't have to go see him.

Just because I am not over the moon about my niece's brand new baby doesn't make me a terrible person, right?

Right?

Even though I sort of feel like one anyway?

And I can't bring myself to go see him?

Maybe I'm not horrible.

Just sad.

I SO wanted to be pregnant before she gave birth. Thanks again body.

Sigh.