The Human Pillow Has Escaped

I have had someone laying on me pretty much 24/7 since Friday morning. Thankfully, I have finally escaped from being Sh.awn's personal pillow. (Or Jack's. Or Sh.awn's AND Jack's together.) It's a good thing, too, because I was not so slowly losing my mind.

Sh.awn is still what can only be described as fragile. Oh man is he a grumpy boy. His eyes still bother him from the stitches. (He keeps hollering at me to stop poking him in his eyes. Why am I the one he thinks is poking him in the eyes?) Plus we have to put drops in his eyes 3 times a day. The drop scenes are pretty intense--shrieks of terror and pain leave us all exhausted after them. But I do have to say that my boy has some of the strongest freaking eyelids I have ever encountered! Good grief.

As if that wasn't enough on my plate, today my stomach has been rebelling from the stress of Friday. Fun times. Not.

Sigh.

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B and SIL had their first visit to L&D yesterday. The birth mom was contracting at 7 minutes apart. They were there for several hours to see if things progressed. They were ultimately sent home.

She's due June 10th.

Glad That's Over With

(reposted from the family blog. I am what you can call BEAT right now)

Shawn had his strabismus surgery today, and boy has it been a long day. Shawn had to check in at 6:30 am for his 7:30 surgery. Unfortunately, we had to wait for quite some time before they finally took him back just before 9:00.



Here he is in his hospital gown. Up until he put that thing on, he was in good spirits. Once he was in his gown, he knew something was up.

After the procedure, they called me back to recovery where poor Mr. Shawn was a mess. He was screaming and flailing around. His eyes were bleeding pretty badly, too. (totally normal after this surgery but definitely an alarming sight to say the least) He kept saying his eyes hurt and screamed. Poor baby. Ugh.





We got home just before noon-- a lot later than i had anticipated. :-(

Shawn's had a rough afternoon, but I think he is finally starting to feel better now. He has been attached to my side all day and has just recently let me move away from him a bit. He was able to eat a little something (the anesthesia made him sick earlier so he didn't want anything for quite a while) and is no longer complaining constantly that his eyes hurt. All good signs.

Right now he is snuggled in mommy and daddy's bed trying to finally get some much deserved rest.

I hereby declare that this needs to be our family's LAST surgery.

Sigh.

I am typing this on my phone, so ignore the typos. ;-) I am not feeling up to proofreading right now!

One More For The Books

Well, actually two for the books.

• Tomorrow (Friday) Sh.awn will have yet another surgery--bilateral strabismus surgery. While this is a relatively "minor" surgery, I am having difficulty dealing with it. He'll be sedated and vented, which to any NICU survivor is never good.
• It's just that he's been through so much already. For once it would be nice if he could catch a break on something...anything. Apparently, this isn't the thing.
• It totally sucks having to replay his medical history over and over again. I think this is surgery number 13 for Sh.awn.
• The fact that 13 is often UNLUCKY didn't escape my notice.
• I'd have to look at my notes/files to be sure if that is the correct number, but frankly I'd prefer not to right now.
• Because, dude. The thought of reliving some of that crap makes me sick to my stomach.

• I officially started AF yesterday. This time I made it exactly 8 weeks ppd, which is a lot better than the measly 28 days I went after I delivered the boys.
• Do I need to tell you what CD1 did to me?
• Damn if the ttc thoughts are front and center in my head.
• The booming of my biological clock does.not.help.at.all.
• In my head I've already begun to fantasize a bfp without a room full of white coats...

P.S. I've been trying to write comments throughout the day today, but I can't seem to get blogger to let me do it. Anyone else having that problem?

Three Years

Three years ago...

...today, Sh.awn had just had another surgery to repair a shunt malfunction. It was evident only shortly after his arrival in recovery that things were still not right with Sh.awn. His eyes were off. His fontanel was still firm. He started fisting his right hand.

Yet the doctors tried to tell us that they knew all was well.

Three years ago...

...tonight, my dad died in a violent car crash. At just about the exact same time, I was standing in a hospital waiting area, looking out a window telling God that I can't take any more.

If only I had known what was ahead for us. Sigh.

Three years ago...

I vividly remember staring out that window sobbing the tears I'd held in all day long.

I remember feeling so tiny and helpless, like the suffering my family endured mattered to no one. In my head, I received confirmation to that fact the next day when the highway patrol finally found my dad.

But mostly, I remember the Anger. There was so much Anger at that time. I hated the world with an intensity I had never known before.

I hated myself even more.

---

This morning...

...I awoke to the calls of my little guy. "Hey, Mom! It's me! Where are you?"

I pulled my boy into our bed and "nuggled" with him. He's come so far.

We've come so far.

This boy who knows his alphabet and sounds...who can count to 30...who is sensitive and loving...who has a determination that will blow you away...who will drive you crazy with his demands to walk (by holding your hands) 24 hours a day...

He is amazing.

Today I realize that I am not helpless or tiny. Our journey does matter.

Most importantly, I realize that I don't have to hate myself as some sort of punishment for something out of my control.

This morning...

...I held my belly and told my little boy to hang tight for a little longer--just three more days.

I asked him to please not come today or tomorrow. I told him it would be hard for mommy to associate the joy of his birth with such horrible other memories.

He kicked and wiggled as if to tell me he was listening.

I hope he was, but I think if he wasn't listening, it will be okay anyway.

Today I know I can't see into the future. But, if things can change so much in three short years, I really believe that as long as he arrives safely, it will all be okay.

A Last Goodbye, More Surgery in Our Future, and A Name or Two

So long, farewell...

...to doctor Doom! I had my final appointment with him yesterday. I can't even begin to describe how freeing it is to know I don't have to go back there. (maybe ever? or maybe at least for a few months? um...we'll open that can of worms later.)

BabyLo looks good. He is all about the chunk at this point and looks quite cramped in there. His weight is measuring between 7 pounds 10 ounces to 7 pounds 14 ounces (she measured several times). The tech said she'd expect him to be somewhere between 8.5 and 9ish pounds if he stays put until my c-section.

Jeez. That makes me somewhat more relieved about the c-section. Having something that big come out of my vagina makes me want to squeeze my legs shut and never open them again. Lol.

There was no sign of the PACs on the u/s. Yay!

Kidney looked better and was smaller than it has been. Yay!

If you can believe it, my cervix still looked long and closed. Yay!

Whew. Maybe, just maybe this guy will be alright when he gets here. (oh, please!)

---

Right after Doom, I had to go get Sh.awn for his opthamologist appointment. After all we've tried, it looks like Sh.awn is headed for strabismus surgery in the near future. We had thought that it was only his right eye turning in on occasion, but after the examination it was clear that both eyes turn in. The eye that turns in essentially shuts off so his vision doesn't blur when he looks at things, so it is important to get this fixed.

The good news is that his sight does not seem to be affected at this point. (He was so cute when the dr was covering his eyes and looking into them. The dr would hold up a cover to one eye so he could exam the other and Sh.awn would yell out, "It's dark in here, mommy! Turn on the lights!" Made me laugh so hard.)

I know what this surgery is like because we've already been through it with Ja.son. The worst part was recovering from the anesthesia. (Ja.son became a demon child!)

Not excited about this in the least.

I am so over surgeries, especially for little Sh.awn.

Blah. I don't even want to count what number of surgery this would make for us.

---

Nothing decided on for names (actually not even close), but here are some contenders:

Ja.ckson
Ja.xson
Re.ese
Fe.stus (Is.aac has taken to calling him this. Over my dead body is all I have to say.)

Still a lot of negotiation in our future...

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I did add a 36 week photo to the BabyLo page in case you're curious.

More Than You'd Ever Want To Know About My Innards

Thursday was my post op consultation with my RE.


He started by telling me that approximately 80-85% of the time, he finds pretty much exactly what he was expecting to see during surgery. About 5-10% of the time, he won't see anything, even though the patient presents with incredible pain and/or symptoms. Then there are the times when he performs a surgery and is blown away by what he finds.

Any guesses which category he said I was in? I dare to be original far too often. Sigh. I apparently had way more issues than he ever expected.

I know.

I am a lucky girl.

Let's break this down into the good and the bad: ***Warning. Blood and guts ahead***

The Good:

1) Not a lick of endo was found, although he expected it. He said he looked for it extensively.

2) My uterus is "beautiful." This is what the inside of a uterus looks like:

Another view. Apparently the "flaking" is normal. It reminds me of some strange sort of spider webbing. Creepy.


Lastly, he checked the tubal openings to check that they are open and clear. I received an A+ for that too.


3) The scarring he found was likely due to the c-section as opposed to some sort of venereal disease. (Duh!) Apparently, if you have a VD, it often causes scarring on the liver. My liver was squeaky clean. :-)

Not sure what the yellow organ is. He told me, but I have to admit that I focused on the no VD part and lost a lot of the other info about this picture.

4) I stim very well even taking my fsh into consideration. Apparently, I stim like a younger woman...well, a younger older woman. ?? You get the point. I have a history of 10-12 eggs with 75-100% fertilization.

5) I have managed to get pregnant four times. I will be on Lovenox for at least the first trimester of any subsequent pregnancies. (It worked once, so we'll go back to do the tried and true.)

6) The internal ultrasound on Thursday felt...different. Better. Let's just say that he didn't have to root all around in there to find what he was looking for. (and sex was also different--in a good way)

The Bad:

1) The left tube is gone. It was definitely capable of hindering implantation and was not salvageable.

Notice the bulging just below and left of the surgical tool. (It is blue because it is filled with dye.) That is not normal. Clearly there is a blockage.

Did you know your ovaries are bright white? Yep. Didn't know that either.

Here's what my tube looks like now. I have dubbed her "stubby."


2) The right tube is still there, but she is not exactly in her best form. I have dubbed her "wonky." This is a diagram of what she looked like originally. Notice that she leads to NOWHERE. Ahem.


This is what the right tube looked like before the RE straightened it out.

He said that he tried his best to place it where it belongs, but he can only do so much. His best guess is that if I am going to get pregnant with it naturally, I would do it within the next 3-6 months. After that, he thinks there is a strong possibility of more scar tissue forming.

I also would need an early ultrasound to check for ectopic should I get pregnant naturally. (He actually said for me to call them immediately...)

Even with all of this going against it, I am glad that Is.aac decided to have him leave it. With it there, there is at least a chance. Sure it is slight, but at least it is there.

3) My uterus had many adhesions and was fused to my abdominal wall--somehow my belly button was involved. I think he said that the scar tissue ran from my uterus to my abdominal wall above my belly button. He also said that my uterus was much, much higher than it should have been.

To do the lap, he initially made three incisions: one in the middle of my c-section scar, an inch long one on my right side about level with my hip bone, and one through my belly button which needed 4-5 stitches. Those incisions should have made it possible for him to be above my uterus. Unfortunately, once he was in there, he realized that rather than being above my uterus, he was below it...by a lot. At that point, he made a fourth incision on my left side about two inches higher than my hip bone level. It's about 1/4" wide and an inch long. (Ugh. This incision got infected. It is going to leave a mother of a scar.)

The RE checked things out, broke scrub to go talk to Is.aac about the mess he found, and then went back in to clean things up.

Here are some pictures of the ole ute:

Notice the bands of adhesions on the uterus...


This one is of him starting to cut through the bands to release my uterus and let it "drop" back to where it belongs...

4) You already saw the hives. I swear I reacted to just about everything I could from this procedure. This is a picture of my belly button reaction to the stupid stitches.

That sucker itched like crazy! It had already started to subside a bit by the time I took this shot, too. I still have a bit of redness, but it is mostly gone at this point.

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So, there you have it. My lady bits are all nice and pretty now. Here's hoping they do their job and start working.

Not How? But When?

Today I am feeling human again. I have been up and have showered. My pain is relatively minimal at this point. I am still sore around my belly button and have bruising at all my incision sites, but I am definitely on the mend.

I have to admit that I am back to thinking about "the plan." Only now, I am not exactly sure of what the plan is.

Not true.

I know what the plan is--ivf. That is the plan. Sigh. I was hoping that it would be something else...something easier...something cheaper. But alas, that is not the case. Yes, I still have one tube, but the RE didn't sound all that optimistic about its success chances. (I just broke out into a sweat when I thought about how close I was to losing that tube, too. How great can it really be when he was contemplating removing it? In the end, I think he only really left it because it wouldn't hurt me if he left it.)

Boo.

So, the plan is back to ivf. Theoretically, things should be easier now. I mean, with the girly parts all where they are supposed to be, things are optimal. Still freaking out a bit when I think about how things could have been had I managed to stay pregnant with a uterus where it apparently was. Shudder. There is no hydrosalpinx to possibly interfere with implantation. I keep reminding myself of the good news that my actual uterus looked fine on the inside. And hell, I even managed to actually get pregnant even when things looked so crappy on the inside. That has got to be something too.

No, the question is no longer how am I going to get pregnant. Now the question is when? I don't even have my post op consultation until next week, and here I am wondering about when I can start torturing my body again. I have no idea how long I am expected to heal before I head back into treatments.

I hate all of this waiting. Hurry, hurry, hurry and wait. Ugh. So annoying. I need to be doing something.

I am struggling with anger, too. I should have pushed for this earlier. Before the fresh cycle and the miscarriage. Before the two frozen cycles. The uncertainty of my left tube was always gnawing at me. I brought it up to the RE. I did tests. All looked okay. The RE thought all was okay. But it bugged me anyway.

Once again, I dismissed my gut and got fucked in the long run. Who knows how things could be...would be different right now had I fought for what I thought. I knew something was wrong.

Yet another time I wished I would have had a crystal ball.

Recovering Still...

Well today has not been the best of days. I am feeling pretty nauseous and it feels like a truck is sitting on my chest. Gas pains? Plus I started bleeding, which was not unexpected, but gross none the less. Can I just say that pads are disgusting? Ugh.

I thought for sure that the hives were back, but I guess they were just phantom itches all night long. I barely slept because everything itched!

I feel like all I've done today is sleep. I am sure it is needed, but still. It makes me feel like a wimp. I hate feeling like that.

I am taking tomorrow off of work, too. Then spring break starts, so yeah! Two weeks of no school!

Recovering

Thank you, everyone, for the kind words! I appreciate each and every one. You guys rock.

I am feeling a lot better today. I've had about 7 calls from various doctors/the one day clinic checking on me. I must have really freaked them out yesterday. My hives are almost completely gone. I still have a few remnants on my neck, but that is it. My doctor and I decided that I didn't need the steroid course because of how few I have now. I am glad about that.

I did learn a little more about what was actually done. My RE said today that my uterus was fused to my abdomen wall slightly above my belly button. No wonder I was having so much pain! He was able to remove the scar tissue and adhesions and now my uterus is back where it should be. He said it took him nearly an hour and a half to clean up just my uterus. The hysteroscopy showed that my uterus was "beautiful" on the inside, so that is great news.

Makes me wonder what kind of hell I'd be in if I actually did get pregnant before this!

I go in for my post op appointment with him next week. He said he'd draw me pictures to show me the odd placement of my right tube at that time. He again said he was very surprised about where and how it was fused to my intestines. He had never seen anything like it apparently. There I go again, being a medical marvel. Sigh.

I am sore around my belly button and on my right side, which makes sense because that was where most of the work was done. I can now get out of bed and get to the bathroom without too much pain, but I am still doubled over when I walk. I am sporting the new hunchbacked look. Jealous? I am contemplating taking another day off of work tomorrow to recover a little more. I haven't fully decided that yet. We shall see.

Another thought: The person who invented pain medication should be sainted, that's for damn sure.

Thanks again for the comments. I am slowly going through them and writing back to you to thank you in "person". It may take me a while but I'll get there. :-)

Yuck

A small idea of what my hives looked like.

Now picture them all over my trunk (both front and back), neck, arms, legs, palms, and soles of my feet.

Yuck. They are going away a bit at a time.

I almost forgot to mention that they took pictures of my hives before they'd let me leave. Imagine me in my bra and undies, doubled over in pain, and the stupid nurse sticking my name/identification sticker to various parts of my body and snapping shots! he even stuck the ID sticker to my belly button bandage at one point - um, ouch! I swear I can't make this shit up. No one would believe it!

Now, I need to get rid of this freaking pain. Ouch!

Done

Hoping this makes sense!

You know how nothing that I do is every "the easy way," right? Well today was no different. It has been a long 24 hours. I'm trying to convince myself that it can only get better. Because dude. Today sucked.

It started last night. I had to vaginally insert two pills of misoprostal to help soften my cervix for the hysteroscopy today. I was mildly concerned, because I had used this medication before, and I had had terrible cramping. The RE assured me that this time would be different. I was only using half the dosage from before and there was nothing in my uterus that my body would try to dispel. Okay, I thought. And for the most part, he was right. I didn't have uterine cramping. Instead I had cramping from the onslaught of diarrhea and was up every hour on the hour all night long shitting my brains out. I suppose the silver lining to that would be that I had to have been nice and cleaned out for the actual procedure. But, man. It was BAD.

We headed for the hospital right on time, which was really good for me. (I have to tell you though. It was very odd to be up and moving around town when it is pitch dark outside.) Once we got there, we waited for 40 minutes before they actually took me back to the pre-op area.

Where I had to pee in a cup so they could give me a pregnancy test. Blah. Rub salt in the wound, people.

Anyway, I was finally taken back to the operating room and all went black. (got to love drugs)

That is when things got even more interesting...

They found lots of scar tissue from the c-section. My uterus was higher than it should have been and fused with scar tissue in place. He cut through all of that and my uterus "dropped" back into its proper place. Apparently there were lots of adhesions, which he removed. He did take my left tube and contemplated taking my right tube. Righty was fused to my intestines and was pointed up instead of down. He was was pretty surprised about that because my hsg (the dye test to see if tubes are open) didn't really reflect what he saw when he got in there. In the end he left the right tube and said there is a small chance that it could be workable.

He did say IVF was his recommendation. So much for actual sex to make a baby.

While in the operating room, I developed three hives. One on my neck and two on my arms. They gave me benadryl and put me under the warming blanket. That was probably the worst thing they could have done. By the time I had made it into recovery, I was completely covered in hives. They thought that it was a reaction to an antibiotic I was given. They were quite freaked about how I looked and kept checking my throat and breathing which stayed fine. But, they wouldn't give me pain meds because they were afraid of the reaction I was having.

For an hour and a half I had no pain meds. I was dying.

They finally gave me some and released me after a couple of doses of steroids which strict instructions to call 911 if my breathing was affected in any way. It was sometime around 3, I think.

We had fun with my pain medication at home, too. I took in the script last night and told them we'd pick it up this afternoon. The pharmacy's computers crashed, so they couldn't finish orders. Is.aac picked up the paper script and told them he was taking it to another pharmacy. Unfortunately, my insurance company denied the request because it thought I had already filled the prescription at pharmacy #1. They weren't going to give me pain meds until April 1st! Oh hell, no! Finally, I got home pain meds about a half an hour ago.

It has been a rough day, but I am feeling better now. I am super sore in my abdomen area and my throat hurts like hell (but I can breathe). The hives are starting to go down more and I'll start a short steroid cycle tomorrow to make sure they are gone for good.

Thank God for my mom. She's keeping the boys another night.

Off to play some bejewled blitz and veg. Be back tomorrow.

Pre-Op

I went in for my pre-op consultation today. It's a good thing I shaved my legs, because I got scanned, too. (As an aside, I hate, hate, hate being covered in goop after the scans. And it always seems like he initially aims high and hits my pubic bone, which is hell of a lot better than aiming LOW!, but I get that gunk everywhere. Ugh.) Then he explained further about what he'd be doing and was surprised when I didn't have many questions. (Thank you Dr. Google!)

The plan is to free my tubes from my intestines, put everything back in its optimal place, clean up any endo he finds, and check the old ute. There is concern about my left tube and the possible hydrosalpinx, but he'll only remove my tube if it looks like it is damaged beyond repair. Interestingly, he also said he'd take a lot of color pictures for me. Yeah? So, you all may get to be super familiar with my innards by this time next week. ;-)

So, all is still a go for Tuesday, barring some freak cold/viral infection or other act of God. Not that I will experience either, right? RIGHT? Ahem.

After the appointment with the RE, I went to pre-register at the hospital. That went fine until she recognized where I work and started in with the "Isn't that the place..." questions. I was very uncomfortable and tried to tell her that, but she just kept on and on. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

My mind is on overdrive. I am freaking out that he's going to get in there and find something sinister...something that will bring my world crashing down. There is really nothing to indicate that he should find something, but my poor heart is fearing the worst.